Wanting to get pregnant, but no intimacy

[Hopeful_H]

Background on me, 32, no kids, married for almost 2 years but together for a whole lot longer.

I'm really down today and feel like I'm on the edge of depression. I am not trying to turn this into relationship advice but need someplace to vent. All my life when I looked into the future, I saw kids. I come from a big family and have been around them my whole life. I can't imagine my life without them and if I look at my future without them, it looks empty and lonely.

That being said, my H knows I want kids but really cant understand why I want them so bad. He sees all the ladies at his work and all they do is complain about their kids. He just sees them as a money pit (for lack of better words). However, he has, on several occasions told me he is ready. He even came home recently and not even me bringing the subject up says he saw a little girl today that pulled at his heart and made him realize he's ready and wants them. Then he'll turn around and make some excuse as to why not right now...not financially stable enough (we are very much stable), too much going on in life right now need to wait til things settle down, ok this year but no next year....just wishy washy. Literally it can be "im ready" one day, to "no" the next and I'm not talking, no pregnancy right now. He says no when I mention wanting to try in a few months.

Regardless of all of the ups and downs which are hard enough on my emotions, we have absolutely no intimacy....like going on about 4 months now. This hurts the worst and I'm so torn. I desire that intimacy so much and he doesn't get it. He thinks since he's fine without it, then it shouldn't be a big deal for me either. I want the intimacy first because I feel lonely and rejected and trust me I take care of myself. He's said so many times its not me. Secondly, obviously because it means we can have a child someday. What gets me so confused in my own thoughts is, what if he does have s with me one day just to have a kid and I get pregnant? Am I going to resent the kid and myself because it was conceived solely because I wanted one and not because it was a byproduct of two people loving each other?

I'm starting to go crazy. I see all the women, friends, all 3 of my sisters who are younger than me, my younger brother with his wife...everyone getting pregnant and it hurts, like cuts down deep, feel like my heart is breaking and my life is meaningless. I feel rejected because I know women whose husbands give them kids because they ask for them and mine says he loves me but can't see how much i'm hurting and wont even make the effort. I'm starting to lose sleep over it, waking up in the middle of the night and crying til I fall back asleep. I hurt I hurt I hurt and any time I try to show my emotions, he calls me psycho. Its affecting my life because honestly, what is the point of waking up and going to work everyday to bring home money to an empty house. I just dont know what to do anymore. Its like he can't see how much it hurts me, so I tell myself to try talking to him about it again and show him, but everytime I do, he gets mad and says when it happens it will happen (again, you have to DTD to get pregnant, right? or am I just behind the times here?) or he'll get mad and say that he's tired of hearing about it. So I keep it inside and it starts to bottle up and I get moody with him and start to feel resentment. He'll ask whats wrong and I'll say nothing (because he's tired of hearing about it, right?) or I'll tell him and its the same fight.

You can tell me I'm obsessing over this too much and I probably am, but its consuming my thoughts and my life. Was just hoping from a woman's heart, someone would understand with no judgment.

 

[hopeandpray]

I think it's best to focus first on the issue of lack of intimacy and then move on to talking about children. Has he always had a low sex drive or is this just a recent thing? He's being unfair expecting you to go without if it's something you need. You need to talk to him about why things have changed in this regard and whether you can come to a compromise. Could it be a medical issue causing his lack of interest? I think this is a big an difficult enough issue to cope with before you talk about conceiving.

 

[MKaykes]

I'm glad you let some of this out. I think its helpful to organize your thoughts and feelings. Do you have support people in your life you can talk to too?

I do agree with pp, dealing with the intimacy first is #1. In my experience, trying to get pregnant takes its own toll on intimacy (like us after 2 years I rarely want to DTD anymore after months of scheduled intercourse).

After so many years together, I would hope you would get support from your partner and not be told your psycho. You are entitled to sharing your emotions. Many couples go through dry spells, and i think it is important that it is acknowledged. I know couples who have gone a year and no one brings it up, which I think shows a real problem.

Could the lack of intimacy be related to his opposition to having a baby, like he thinks you would "trick" him into it in the heat of the moment or something? Did something happen 4 months ago that could have caused him to get depressed?

If you planned a romantic night away, do you think you two could get closer again?

 

[MindUtopia]

Have you considered counselling? Having a baby can cause A LOT of strain on your relationship and you want to be in the best place possible before you dump all the extra stress on top.

While it can be normal to have periods where you don't have much physical intimacy in a long term relationship (and especially after kids this will get much harder), it's not normal to not wish to do anything about it. Certainly after our daughter was born we didn't have sex for probably 7 months. We were just too tired and overwhelmed and it wasn't a priority and I would say there have been stretches of several months here and there since (when life, work, illness, teething, etc just meant we cared more about sleep). But I would say what isn't healthy is not wanting to do something about it. We certainly wanted things to be different and life to be less chaotic so we could spend that time together and we eventually found a way to make that happen.

But I'd say it's also not normal (as you know) to be so hot and cold, saying one thing and changing his mind, calling you psycho, withholding intimacy. It's just not healthy and you guys need to get yourselves in a solid place before you even start talking about babies. Life without kids is relatively easy and stress free. If you're struggling to communicate and connect now, it will only be 10,000 times harder once you are sleep deprived and have no time for each other. I would seriously consider requesting he go to counselling with you so you can work through these things if you thing it's going to be impossible for you to do them on your own.

A romantic weekend away or a longer trip together is also a great idea. Though we rarely get to do that now, the few times we have had a night away alone really helped.

 

[cutestuff]

Hi hopeful. I hope no one minds I jump on here as I am wtt 2 later this year. In a lot of ways your story hits close to home. I've been with my husband for 14 total years with 7 years married and we typically have intimacy any where from one to two times a week to once in two months though we always hold hands and kiss a lot and there are times in arguments where he will tell me I'm being crazy or call me psycho. I think there are two issues. The first is he can't commit to having kids and you want them which means you are possibly already emotional when you bring it up and he might perceive those emotions as uncalled for or want to pay you back for the mean things you might say to him ( I say fucked up shit at times but especially when I want hubby to do something and he doesn't. The other thing I see is maybe you already resent each other and may be struggling with whether or not to stay together or more directly this may have turned your husband against you especially if you never spoke about kids before and now it's constant nagging or conversations or even avoidance related to this issue he may not know how to deal. Counseling is good but even better would be to write a letter try to explain to yourself why it's so important now and what having kids mean. Try keeping your age out of it and focus on other things. The letter should ask and answer questions like what happens if kids aren't a part of your life. What about your marriage and go deep into it. I mean get honest and make sure you mean what you say. If it's just age tell your husband you want an open discussion about the idea of kids. Figure out what specifically he has to say about the topic. Maybe have him do the same thing with the writing but have him talk about your attitude and behavior too and then switch letters so both feelings are known and ask to go on a date a week later to talk about the letters. For the week you don't talk about anything the person said. Talk only about your day and plans for the week and really think long and hard about if you can handle what you wrote and what it means to or for each of you. This might help you calm down and both of you to understand the others position and maybe reach common ground