Chris77
Mommy to PJ and Gavin
- Joined
- Jan 30, 2008
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WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 33 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in whi ch
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was Encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
Counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members.
Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda t old me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I wo uld beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition tea cher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 33 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in whi ch
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was Encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
Counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members.
Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda t old me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I wo uld beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition tea cher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
