What am I doing wrong?

[Brightxeyes]

Sorry if this is long. I'll try and keep it simple.

My son turned 2 on Sunday. He was the ideal golden baby, very happy, easy to please, slept through early on, generally awesome, I enjoyed being a mom.

I now don't enjoy it. A year ago he started with screaming, through frustration, impatience, for the fun of it. At times, it was very difficult. I tried many things to stop him doing it, ignoring him, telling him off etc but he eventually stopped as much.
Now hes tantrum central. Drops to the floor when we're out, I'm having to hold his hand so tight to stop him running off I'm scared im hurting his hand, tried reins and he seems to spend more time on the floor. I've seen younger children more well behaved in public than him. It's incredibly embarassing.

I know, kids have tantrums. I don't want to bribe him, and reward him with snacks, I don't want to have to tell him off (I try, I may as well be telling off a brick wall), he throws anything he can reach at people, his dummy, things off shop shelves.

I don't know what I have done to make him behave this way?!
Honestly. I was a good calm child apparently. My boyfriend was a bit more challenging as a child apparently. He has always had little attention span, I'm worried hes taking more after my boyfriend than me. He spends more time with me.

I work nights, and I help my boyfriend with his business in the day (I have told him I can't, as I need to give my son more playtime together and he's trying to struggle doin all his work by himself). I also am trying to start my own business up. I'm sleep deprived not because of my son, but because of being so stretched. The house is a mess most of the time too.

What am I doing wrong? Why am I seeing other two year olds, and younger children being more well behaved? Able to walk around a shop without having their hand held because they immediately run out the door?

In the summer I tried to get him out and about more by going to different parks and walking around. It still didn't help a lot.

I just don't get it.

I am worried that hes going to be a naughty kid. I tried socialising him with our friends girl, but shes a year older, and was incredibly rough with him (holding him and pulling him by his head, when she did this another time she slammed him into a table and i was worried she had done damage to the bones in his face, so I've literally banned her from coming round for a while, i dont want them playing together until she stops treating him like a rag doll, shes also a cheeky spoilt brat who even talks back to ME like shes allowed to talk to people in that way. i don't want my son picking up her bad habits basically. hes already capable of saying thank you by himself, and she has to be forced to be polite to people)

i have reunited with an old school friend who has a daughter only 6 months younger than my son, they got on really well, so im trying to arrange play dates every fortnight. and we are considering some kind of play group soon. i regret not doing anything like that when he was younger, but i have severe anxiety myself.
i'm almost worried that my social anxiety in being in busy places, or social groups like play groups and mommy groups has made my child behave this way too.

i just don't get why hes like this. he was so so happy as a baby. i don't want to keep telling him off. its seriously getting me down badly.

 

[smurff]

You ain't doing anything wrong he's just hit the terrible two's, your son sounds exactly like my son, he's been in the terrible two's for a while now, (he's 29mths). We couldn't go out on a day out with him at all, screams, throws thibgs, pulls his sister's hair, bites and scratches, wouldn't go on reins or catch hold hand, would try to run off, if we took him anywhere he'd want to do his own thing and if he was told no he would scream and cry the place down which was extremely embarrassing, would want his own way all the time. I to have terrible anxiety's and hated the thought of him going to play groups and things. In fact I'd break out in a cold sweat thinking of going to parent and toddler groups.
At his 2yr check his HV thought he may be slightly behind on his speech and recommended we go to toddler group, even then I was so against the I couldn't do it so we decided to send him to nursary 3 hrs a day 2 days a week. The improvement has been amazing , he releases all that pent up energy at nursary and hes now back to being my cheeky little man at home. He will now wear his reins but doesn't really need them as he walks along side me fine, when he has to cross the road he stops and catches hold my hand, he is alot calmer when we go out now, yes he still likes to get his own way and gets upset when told no but his tantrum is over before it's begun now, he loves his cuddles now, plays nicely with other children, is very thoughtful and helpful. Yes he still fights with his sister but there's nothing unusual in that and most of the time he loves to cuddle her.
Like I said it's nothing you've done , and most kids go through this stage. Obviously if your son is screaming and playing up all your gonna see is kids being good it always works like that, I bet those children have had there moments aswell. It may take a while but this stage will pass. Sounds like u need some relaxing time for yourself to, I know if I'm stressed or upset it upsets my children , perhaps he's picking up on yoyr stresses.

 

[lau86]

This is my second son! He was a golden baby and the age of two hit the terrible twos hard! It's just their personality. If it helps my son behaves really well at nursery he saves all his tantrums for me. You're not doing anything wrong sounds like you're doing brilliantly

 

[staralfur]

I think the only thing you're doing wrong is comparing your child with everyone else's.

I used to do that when my LO was a baby because she was high needs and I'd see everyone else's babies happily sleeping in their strollers or being held at a restaurant or being friendly with other people and mine was never like that. She just screamed. I hated that she wasn't like a "normal" baby and the more I thought about it the more stressed out I got.

The fact is that babies, toddlers, kids, and adults all have different temperaments. And especially in babies and toddlers it's hard to fit certain temperaments in with what everyone else would consider "normal" behaviour.

I think the best thing you can do is calmly acknowledge that he's upset and try to get to the root of the problem. Is he throwing a tantrum because he wants to be somewhere else? Because he's bored? Because he's tired? It's always easier to try to address those problems than it is to address the behaviour that results from them. Though when it comes to throwing things I'd definitely be clear about why that is dangerous/not very nice. So I'd say something like "I know you're frustrated/bored/whatever, but we can't throw things at people, it could really hurt or scare them and I know that you wouldn't want to do that." And then re-direct attention to something else. I'm not really familiar with the running but would it help if you brought a stroller with you to places you know he's especially likely to try to bolt? Maybe fill it up with some toys that he's interested in to keep his attention on something specific.

It also doesn't mean that he's going to be a naughty kid or even that this behaviour will last for a significant period of time. My LO had about six months as a toddler where she was practically the spawn of Satan but now at four and a half she's about as well-behaved as I could ever ask her to be.

Just try to take it one day at a time. You will not have to spend your whole life dealing with tantrums, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Try to understand why he gets upset and if you can't avoid it (which of course you can't always) then take a deep breath and try to approach it as calmly and rationally as possible.

 

[Talia12]

My son went through this phase. When he was younger than that too, and I used to get frustrated. Don't compare your son to other kids, just don't!! That way madness lies. You'll get through it. Trust me - every other toddler or kid you see being so well behaved has their tantrums too, or has already passed through that phase (or has yet to). Yes, some kids are generally calmer than others, but this is a personality issue not a behaviour one. As in, basically, there's nothing you can do (and nothing good/better that those parents did), it's just the way the child is.
The other day a girl around 2 on the bus was having a massive tantrum and my son (3) was just sitting there quietly. I felt sorry for the mum and felt like saying, I was in your shoes a year ago! Don't worry what other kids/parents are doing. You do you.
Oh and one last thing - it's sometimes okay to just shut them up (aka bribe them). If it's only every once in a while and you really need it to save your sanity (or avoid your kid getting an ASBO!)

 

[auntsas]

This is one reason I love this forum, your post reassures me that other parents are going through this too! I find this phase very difficult! I like to plan things we can do as a family on Saturdays, last few months my sons behavior has been so bad our putting gets cancelled and we have to come back home. Shopping is early importable for me right now(27 months)

 

[Twag]

My son was exactly the same the second he turned two BAM it was like a switch he is coming up to 3 and I have everything crossed that he stop and we do not end up with a threenager as I may have to lock myself in a cupboard

 

[Boomerslady]

My son was like this, he was stubborn, headstrong and to make it worse had a speech delay so could talk until 3.5, I know it's not going to help now but there is light at the end of the tunnel, I'd say around 4 he was much calmer, he still has the odd moment and yes u do have to tell him off/bribe etc but as long as I stuck to what I say he usually realises kicking off won't work. Some kids are well behaved, others are more feisty!

 

[Ooballoo]

This stage nearly ruined me. You are doing nothing wrong!! My daughter behaves beautifully most of the time that we are out-at home though she turns into the devil!! Have carefully planned repercussions for 'naughty behaviour' we use the naughty corner, and it has been implemented in nearly every shop where we live. Normally only once but it works! Sending her to nursery was a massive change-it gave me time off (much needed especially at this age!!!) and it taught her to interact in a much nicer way and to think through her actions. She's always really well behaved there and talks much more about how she feels at home. I found it helps to explain the a motions they're having: ie you're frustrated that that toy won't work, and that's ok but maybe when you feel like that lets try taking some deep breaths/playing with this calming toy etc? Two year olds are hard work; they're learning about the world around them and they just want to do EVERYTHING, RIGHT NOW!!! Regarding reins, have you tried getting a bag with a leash attachment? You can get all sorts of animals etc and they can carry something of their own (my LO wanted to carry a nappy!). Just keep going, remind yourself that none of us know what we're doing, and that those same angelically behaved children in public are probably absolute nightmares at home! And if all else fails; have some wine chilling in the fridge for when wee one goes to sleep at night!