Desperate for another baby. Why can’t I let go?

[Laurabub84]

Before I write please don’t judge me with negative posts. Already feeling in a really bad place.

I turn 38 this year. I’m mum to 5 precious children already who I absolutely adore. My 4 eldest are girls and my youngest was our first boy. Now after having him I was convinced I’d feel complete as a family as he was very much longed for after 4 daughters. Once he turned 6 months the brooding kicked in again and now it’s completely taken over my life. It’s there from the second I wake in the morning to when I eventually manage to fall asleep at night. Dh has just turned 42 and feels he’s now too old to have another baby. I’ve felt so down for months and months now over this and I’m so desperate for one more that I don’t see how I can possibly just make my peace that I can’t have another. I just can’t do it. I’m breaking down most days now, I dread going to bed because my mind won’t shut off from it and once I am asleep by morning I just don’t even want to get out of bed. I know everyone’s thoughts will be that I have 5 healthy children already and that I should just focus and be be grateful for what I do have. I am. I know how lucky I am to have what I already have but it doesn’t mean I can just turn this off. I know dh is getting frustrated with me now. It’s been affecting our sex life because I can’t enjoy it. He chooses to pull out because we’ve never got on with condoms and I obviously don’t want to be on birth control. This is something that makes me feel so frustrated because he’s absolutely adamant that he won’t change his mind about having a baby but then he’s willing to take the risk of pulling out. He thinks I’m depressed and wants me to go to see the doctor for help.
I guess I’m just hoping for some advice from anyone who’s been in the same place. How did you get over it and move on. I have nobody I can talk to in person because I know they will all judge me and not understand. I just feel so alone I don’t know where to turn because I can’t carry on like this

 

[MrsKatie]

Hi beautiful first of all I have 5 and all I can think of is baby 6. There’s no shame and everyone here who’s worth listening to will understand. Huge hugs and I hope you and your DH can get on the same page. I’m a week away from 40 myself and DH is 41 in a month. I get it

 

[salamander91]

Hi hun. Absolutely no judgement here I have 3 children but I have been trying desperately for a 4th for nearly 3 years now. Its had a huge impact on my mental health and my family life but I just can't get the idea of a 4th out of my mind. It does sound like its really affecting you so maybe a word with your gp maybe a good idea especially if your husband isn't going to change his mind. I think he is being very inconsiderate of your feelings when he is risking a pregnancy every month.

 

[Laurabub84]

Thank you both for taking time to reply. Feel a little silly posting that now. Just feeling so down and frustrated, even more so that I’m now entering my fertile time in my cycle. It’s so frustrating when all I want so badly is a baby and knowing there’s nothing I can do about it. Just need somewhere to vent when I can’t talk to anybody about this.

 

[swedengirl]

Not quite there yet and hoping I don’t get there. But currently pregnant with number 3 and seriously mourning thst this will likely be my last pregnancy. My OH wants to get the snip after this one and is certain this is the last one. I’m trying to be grateful to have these 3 (all going well with this little one) but feel such sadness this is the last time. I cry almost daily. I’m hoping a feeling of completeness comes once they are here but feel like maybe I’ll never feel that, I love being pregnant (after week 15ish) and love newborns so feel I’ll always crave that. But also want to have the energy and mental space to give my kids already some of me. It’s so tough!

 

[Bevziibubble]

 

[Laurabub84]

Continuing in my old thread as I know the sites been messed up and probably won’t let me start a new one. I really hope I don’t cause any upset and I’m worried I’ll be judged for this but i really need to get this out somewhere and I have no one at all I can vent to in person.

I started this back in 2022 and after it all dh did agree to another baby. After a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks, my precious rainbow was born at 34+3 in November 2023. I was content all through my pregnancy about him being my last until he was born prematurely. We had a couple of weeks in hospital where he had to be peg fed, then after almost a week home was back in for another week, back on peg feeds and oxygen from rsv, so I ended up missing out on breastfeeding and bonding was hard because I wasn’t able to hold him most of the first month of his life. Unfortunately I’m now finding myself right back to how I was feeling in 2022. I am so desperately broody for one last baby and have been the past year. It started off bearable but now it’s out of control. I turn 41 on Monday 9th and I’ve been desperately wanting to try this past year but dh is absolutely dead against any more kids. Knowing my birthdays coming up in a few days I am in a constant state of panic because i know that clock is ticking by fast and my chances are now a lot lower to be able to conceive and it’s killing me with every month that passes knowing it’s another wasted chance and another precious egg going to waste. After getting to know my body through ttc I know when I’m ovulating and I’m an absolute mess around that time. Dh lays with his back to me snoring within seconds when we go to bed and I silently sob myself to sleep most nights now, but I promised I would never ask him again when he’s already given my 6 children. He knows tho how I’m feeling. I’ve cried so much over this. Part of me wishes he’d got a vasectomy while i was pregnant with Charlie because maybe I wouldn’t feel this bad knowing it would be impossible, but it’s knowing that I could have that chance if only he’d let me. I’m disgusted with myself to admit that some days, mostly nights when he’s peacefully asleep and I’m still laying awake until the early hours in a state, I can’t help but feel some resentment towards him because he’s the one stopping me from at least being able to try. I don’t know how to get over this. I can’t go on the way I am. I’m not sleeping because I’m obsessing so bad over it and constantly panicking that my times running out. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Dh told me the other day I need professional help. I know I probably should go to the doctors but I don’t see how antidepressants are going to change how I’m feeling. There not going to take away what my heart so desperately wants. I want it so much I can’t stand it. I can’t talk to anybody in my life about this because I’m constantly told I don’t need any more kids and have been told that if I had a baby at our ages now it would be really selfish to the baby and to my other children. I do worry about being older parents but I can’t help how I feel. The one friend I thought I could talk to about it just comments that if she wanted a baby her husband would let her have one just like that and that makes me feel horrible. My dh has never really been like that. I’ve really had to beg since our 3rd and it’s another thing that makes me feel awful, that he’s not in the same place as me and he’s already numerous times given in to make me happy. He wants to be done with this chapter of our life’s and move on from babies but I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when my kids are all old enough to not need me anymore. Even as a kid I’ve always wanted my own children. I know it has to end at some point but knowing I could possible have time to do this one last time i just can’t let go. It’s literally breaking my heart to know I can never have any more children now. I’m terrified this feeling will never go away. People have said I should get a job working with children or babies but I know I couldn’t do it because I would get too attached and it’s also not the same as having my own baby.

I don’t know why I’m writing this to be honest. I know I’m sounding unbelievably selfish when there are ladies out there struggling to conceive or have a baby at all and here’s me feeling sorry for myself when I’ve already been so lucky to have 6. And I know this site is so quiet now. I don’t even know what I’m expecting posting this as no one can help me. I guess I’m just looking for a safe place to let this all out as I’m having to hold it all in. The one person I want to offload on is dh but I know he doesn’t want to hear it.
I’m scared I’ve got something wrong with me. Why can’t I just let go of this part of my life. 6 kids is alot and yet I still want another. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m so tired. I’m putting a strain on my relationship with this because I can’t enjoy sex at all anymore. We’re constantly snapping at each other because I can’t snap out of this and I can’t explain to him how I’m feeling without him thinking I’m trying to guilt trip him in to giving in to me. So because we’re not talking about it he’s taking my moods the wrong way and it’s put such a wedge between us. We’ve always been so happy together but now things feel really strained between us. Dh mentioned getting a vasectomy but I was already broody by the time he brought it up and I told him I wouldn’t be able to handle him having it done because it would have shattered my heart so he agreed not to right now. We use pullout method which used to get my hopes up that I could possibly get pregnant every month but he has such good self control with it and it’s never happened before whenever we’ve used it so I know it won’t ever happen that way. I think that maybe messes with me a little when he’s adamant he doesn’t want another but he’s willing to take that small risk of using pull out. But I guess I’ve left him little choice when I can’t agree to him having the snip and I don’t want to go on any birth control and we both hate condoms. He could wear them but after a while he chose not to anymore. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do to stop this. I just want another baby so desperately it’s killing me. I just hope I don’t cause offence with this and maybe find someone who understands or who’s been where I am and can tell me this will get easier and how they got through it. I needed a safe place to get this all out because it’s eating me up

 

[NightFlower]

It's tough wanting another baby and your husband saying he's done having more. Have you thought of maybe going to see someone together to talk about it? Have you ever been on depression medication before? Definitely something to think about.

My OH will be 51 in a few months. We have been ttc our second baby for almost 4yrs now, in a few days. I'm in my mid 40s and we've decided to keep ttc till next year then call it quits as he told me he doesn't want to be a old dad. I agreed. It's rough at times thinking it might not happen by then. So I'm slowly excepting that. My heart aches at time too. My OH and I have had many heart to hearts about it.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time with wanting another baby.

 

[NDH]

Oh Laura my heart goes out to you. Even though I'm fully content with the six that I have (apart from a few twinges of longing) I can still empathize as I remember those years of desperate longing for a baby.

I k ow you say you don't want to see a Dr and go on antidepressants, but I do think seeing a therapist would be a lot of help working through your feelings and managing the hopelessness. Since it's affecting your sex life, it might be the territory for a sex therapist? Im not sure. But I do hope you are able to find a sense of peace and contentment.

 

[Laurabub84]

@NightFlower bless you. Thank you for taking time to reply to my thread. It must be frustrating to read me complaining when you’ve been trying for so long. I silently follow along and continuously pray for you that you’ll get that sticky bfp. My heart really goes out to you every month. I feel awful now for my post but in the moment I just had to get it out somewhere. I really wasn’t expecting anyone to reply honestly. It’s just with my birthday creeping up (it’s tomorrow now) it’s killing me being so desperate to try one last time and not being able to. I have booked 2 doctors appointments to go and speak to them about medication but then the day before I bottle it and cancel because I just feel so horrendous to complain when I already have been so fortunate to have 6 children. I don’t see how tablets will help how I feel. I feel like I’m grieving for the end of my fertility and the last of my baby/toddler days and not having a little one anymore. It’s got to end at some point and I just have to learn to accept that. Most days I’m just finding it so hard tho and it’s taking all my will power not to beg dh to let me try one last time. I swore to him I would never put that on him again but I’m getting full waves of panic about my time running out that it’s getting harder not to. I wish he could just give me a year just to see if it happens. But I just can’t do this to him again. I just don’t know how to get past this. I’m so scared I’m always gonna feel like this.

@NDH thank you also for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. I regret my post now really but I was having a really bad day at the time and I just really needing to get it out somewhere. I don’t think I really help myself by keep coming on to this site and following the ttc’ers but I just miss it so much. I’m so desperate to do it one last time. I think if dh had have gone through with a vasectomy while I was pregnant with Charlie or if Charlie hadn’t been premature and needed the hospital stay that took away my chance to breastfeed and enjoy those newborn days maybe I wouldn’t feel this bad, but it’s knowing I could still have that small chance for one last try that’s tormenting me. I was so hoping to end my baby days on a high, but it didn’t happen that way so I don’t know if that’s contributing to me being desperate to do it one last time. I know that sounds silly. Turning 41 tomorrow my chances are probably very low now anyway and even if I did have another it’s not guaranteed to go smoothly. I just need to learn to accept that’s my days are done and to close that door on it. I just wish I knew how and not feel this way

 

[NDH]

Happy birthday for tomorrow.

Don't feel bad for making a post. That's what the ttc boards are here for. Family size isn't one size fits all. For some, the longing never goes away (and that's why there are some women who keep having children until menopause)
Honestly I always thought I would be one of them. I knew my husband wanted to be done at 6, (in fact, he probably would have been done at 4 if we hadn't gotten twins, but he likes even numbers thankfully lol) and I spent many years of our marriage praying that we'd be in alignment (not specifically that DHs mind would be changed, though that was my hope) though instead it was my heart that was changed. If I hadn't had so many losses I might be having a harder time with the decision too, but I can't risk the heartbreak again.

I will pray for you to feel at peace. Knowing that all their first are our lasts is such a bittersweet thing, and having been robbed of so many of Charlie's firsts with him being premature , it isn't a surprise you're struggling extra hard.

 

[NightFlower]

I agree don't feel bad about posting how you're feeling. That's what we are here for to help each other if we can. Getting it out is a good thing. I understand. Maybe he'll change his mind and try to have one more. But if not then I hope you start to feel better mentally about it. Having anxiety about it is tough. Hang in there sweetheart.

Happy Birthday I hope you enjoy your special day tomorrow ❤

 

[elmum]

Hi @Laurabub84 I’m so sorry. I still long for one more baby but my husband probably secretly wishes that I won’t fall pregnant again: But, he still participates in TTC whenever I am in my fertile window. I hope you’re able to find a compromise with your DH. Also, I had my rainbow at 41. So there is still a chance.