What can I do about this? I’m starting to lose patience!!

[Gym knickers]

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do here please!
I have 3 lovely DDs who on the whole are wonderful- sweet, funny and loving. My eldest is great with her sisters, she and dd2 mostly play well and she dotes on the baby. However, at night she is becoming increasingly more difficult in a deliberate way and I’m running out of ideas with her. She wakes up every night at least twice and has done for a year since we moved house- she used to sleep through. She says she needs the toilet and I have accepted the fact that she won’t go alone even with a nightlight etc. So I get up when she comes in and I take her, however when I put her back to bed with a cuddle and kiss she then comes in again and says she needs another one, she goes into the bathroom and coughs as loudly as she can, moans groans, slams things etc, as though she is desperate to wake her dad and sisters also despite me asking her so many times to be quiet. She’s a bright girl and knows exactly what she’s doing. She then comes in again and says her bum hurts or her foot itches or she wants a different teddy— anything she can think of to make sure we are all awake and stressed. I don’t know why she does this!!! We’ve tried reward charts, extra cuddles and being really nice telling her it’s ok etc, I’ve gotten cross, taken away treats etc like iPad time , I let her stay up later than her sisters for movies etc so she gets extra attention, we both read to her together when her sisters are asleep and she gets so many cuddles and kisses. She knows how much it upsets me when she tries to deliberately wake everyone- but it’s getting worse and I’m out of ideas!! I’ve asked her why and she doesn’t know. Already I’m up with the baby at night breastfeeding her once or twice and I’ve been back in work a few months so I’d desperately like this to stop as it can go on for So long! It makes me so mad as I know it is deliberate. She has a very happy life with a beautiful bedroom, lots of activities, friends over and family days out but this has been going on so long! Any ideas please!!!!

 

[lau86]

Sounds to me like she doesn't want to go back to bed/ is anxious (interesting that it started after you moved) and this is her way of trying to get everyone up. My oldest son is a bit like this and will struggle to go back to sleep if he has woken up but he doesn't wake up every night so it's fine. He didn't like the dark so we've put a night light in his room. Also I might lie in bed with him for a few minutes whilst he settles down. You might have tried those though so sorry if that's the case!

 

[Teri7489]

At 4 years old she is able to communicate fear/distress and things like that so for me, it's simply attention she is after. You getting up every night multiple times is simply feeding that attention she craves. I can be quite tough on my kids when I need to be (I try to wait for them to be ready for things) but will be really firm if I have to be. In this case, if it was me I would just put her back to bed each time. Explain why the first time and then give her no explanation after that. Might be a rough night for you all for the first 2 nights but she would get the message that you aren't tolerating what she is doing. after being put to bed with kisses and cuddles at her usual bedtime I wouldn't give her any more of that attention during the night. Just straight back to bed and that's it. In the morning make a big deal of talking to her and gIving her attention so she will be happy to sleep through till morning again.

 

[Gym knickers]

Sounds to me like she doesn't want to go back to bed/ is anxious (interesting that it started after you moved) and this is her way of trying to get everyone up. My oldest son is a bit like this and will struggle to go back to sleep if he has woken up but he doesn't wake up every night so it's fine. He didn't like the dark so we've put a night light in his room. Also I might lie in bed with him for a few minutes whilst he settles down. You might have tried those though so sorry if that's the case!

Thanks for your response.I think that’s definitely what she’s hoping for. She went through a stage of coming into bed a few months back when the baby was sleeping terribly and I was too tired to put her back. Only for a few nights. I dont mind if she’s ill or something has happened but I do feel now like she’s almost 5 and the house move and new sibling both happened almost a year ago so I really want her to settle now as it’s driving me mad every night! I feel like it could be anxiety but not sure why the deliberate waking of her sisters. I will try the suggestion below of no response and speaking to her when she gets up and if not maybe a few lie downs with her might settle her mind. Just not sure what the issue is!

 

[Gym knickers]

At 4 years old she is able to communicate fear/distress and things like that so for me, it's simply attention she is after. You getting up every night multiple times is simply feeding that attention she craves. I can be quite tough on my kids when I need to be (I try to wait for them to be ready for things) but will be really firm if I have to be. In this case, if it was me I would just put her back to bed each time. Explain why the first time and then give her no explanation after that. Might be a rough night for you all for the first 2 nights but she would get the message that you aren't tolerating what she is doing. after being put to bed with kisses and cuddles at her usual bedtime I wouldn't give her any more of that attention during the night. Just straight back to bed and that's it. In the morning make a big deal of talking to her and gIving her attention so she will be happy to sleep through till morning again.

Thanks for your response. I do feel the same and running out of patience so much now. I’m a teacher and am generally quite firm with the girls/ high expectations of behaviour and manners etc. They are generally really well behaved especially DD1 and shes really caring towards her sisters in the day time. I don’t ever really have to tell her off for anything major. This is why I feel so frustrated as she’s got me over a barrel in the night as I’m desperate not to wake the others. When we talk about it the next day she doesn’t seem bothered and changes the subject. I’ve tried so many things and she doesn’t seem to care about punishments or rewards. I will try not responding to her at all tonight and see if that makes any change.

 

[Zephram]

Have to agree that it sounds more like attention seeking than genuine distress. I would explain to her firmly that you all need to sleep too and that she doesn’t have the right to keep everyone up.

In the middle of the night I would say: “Mummy has to sleep too, it is time to go back to bed. You are going to go back to sleep now, I’ll see you in the morning”.

And repeat, taking her back to bed and saying the same thing every time. Don’t be drawn into a conversation and don’t give her behaviour any attention except to take her back to bed and tell her to go to sleep.

 

[adrie]

I've gotten really tired of my 4 year old trying to run the house. Finally come back round again and what I say goes. Bed time is bed time. My rules are the rules and I'm no longer negotiating or being pestered into anything with her because it never stops and her behaviour worsens as a result, as well as spoiling her. I'm referring to this point in our lives as the "Great Unspoiling of Valla" That's it. I'm done.

I'd say tough love time, mama. Your daughter is pushing boundaries and buttons left and right. She doesn't need bribery or charts, she needs discipline. I know because we are there right now. I would no longer accompany her to the bathroom, and I would give her a kiss and a hug from my bed or at most tuck her in one time. If she slams things, and is loud and/or disruptive whatsoever, there needs to be consequences. If she doesn't go back to her bed at 3am, also consequences. You just need to find what it is that will make her listen and go with that.

My daughter likes her bedroom door left open, so for her, the consequence is that the door is closed with bad behaviour, every time. She can come out to use the restroom any time of day or night, but bedtime is bedtime. Consistency is key. Once she knows you mean business, it's game over. Don't let her walk all over you.

 

[lau86]

The clue here though is that she is otherwise extremely well behaved. My children go through phases of attention seeking and it is certainly not just at night. She is unable to explain herself so she obviously doesn't know why she is doing it. Lots of the responses seem to think discipline will work though so maybe I'm being too soft! Also to add, if it is attention seeking 1) why? And 2)maybe some attention will help it go away quicker? Which is what you want at 3 in the morning.

 

[Gym knickers]

Thanks all and yes I am really confused and frustrated with her as she is so easygoing by day. I be honest I have really lost it with her a few times in recent weeks and shouted, sent her back to bed and tbh it seems to make her worse. I then also found she was crying at bedtime also the next day and saying her belly hurts etc. She’s a really tough one to crack with this! I’ve tried both approaches and softly softly nor the tough discipline approach seem to do anything at all. She’s still back to it the next night. Last night I tried looking at her then just rolling over and not answering her. I’m guessing she went back to bed because that’s all I can remember!! That’s not to say tonight will work the same but going to try again with this as it was the least time I’ve been up with her for a while!

 

[Zephram]

Thanks all and yes I am really confused and frustrated with her as she is so easygoing by day. I be honest I have really lost it with her a few times in recent weeks and shouted, sent her back to bed and tbh it seems to make her worse. I then also found she was crying at bedtime also the next day and saying her belly hurts etc. She’s a really tough one to crack with this! I’ve tried both approaches and softly softly nor the tough discipline approach seem to do anything at all. She’s still back to it the next night. Last night I tried looking at her then just rolling over and not answering her. I’m guessing she went back to bed because that’s all I can remember!! That’s not to say tonight will work the same but going to try again with this as it was the least time I’ve been up with her for a while!

Yay! Carry on doing that. It’s likely that after a couple of days she’ll be onto you and kick up a fuss, but stick to your guns!! Her making a fuss could last a few days, but she will get used to the new status quo if you’re consistent.

 

[Teri7489]

How's things going with your lo?

 

[Gym knickers]

Soooo, the ignoring lasted for one night, on the second night she screamed ‘MUMMY ARENT YOU GOING TO HELP ME???’ At the top of her lungs which ended the ignoring. I’ve now tried the other bit of advice and just given up and let her in bed for a bit or slept in with her for a bit. I’ve also pushed her bed against the wall as she’s in a double bed in a large bedroom and I thought this could make her feel not so cosy. She slept all night last night for the first night in months??!! So idk, I’m just giving up at the minute and letting her get her own way to see if it’s maybe something making her anxious. Tonight she went to bed late as we had friends over. At bedtime she got upset worrying about me forgetting to blow out all the candies and one causing a fire so I cuddled her to sleep. I think maybe she’s just sensitive and although she is dedubyeky attention seeking maybe it’s gkr different reasons than I thought.