What do i do? Long message, please dont run!

[KiansMummy]

I'm so upset,, me and the babys dad split up when i was about 8 weeks, my mum n dad had never liked him, and i wish id listenined to them (im now 19 weeks), things hadnt been right for a while between us so i ended it, at one point he thought id been cheating and told me to get an abortion. He was hurt that i had finished it so when talkin to a friend of mine on msn not long after we had split he threatened to burn my house down and made other threats! :-/ for a while i also got threatening text messages, and was forever gettin missed calls off a blocked number, i made a stupid mistake and jsut deleted all these messages without showing anybody. When i confronted him i told him about the texts, and he swore they would stop and they did. He then said whatever happened he wanted to be involved in this babys life, so he came to the 12 wk scan, i also took my mum with me, whilst we were there, neither of us said a word to each other, my mum made conversation with him ( i hadnt told her about any of the messages or threats he had made ) when the baby came up on the scan screen he started filling up and got all emotional, my mum then said to me after the scan that he seemed prety genuine and honestly wanted to be a part of the babys life. Any way since then ive hardly spoke to him just occasionaly on msn or facebook tbh i cant stand him and he just makes my stomach turn when he speaks to me, in one conversation he said to me he had ordered a pram (i thought why, he could just use the one i will have), he then said he wants us to go shopping together to buy baby things, but thats not what i want, i cant stand the thought of spending time iwth him even if it is for the LO. I then said im going to give the baby my surname, and at this he kicked of saying thats its both our baby, so should have his surname, i then said id give it a double barrell surname and use both our surnames, just to make things easyier, but he then said hes taking me to court be cause of the surname thing and because im not letting him be involved, he said his family are laughing at me saying i wont cope as the baby will have 'Macrae' blood (his surname is Macrae, mines Hall). His family are a bit of the rough type, his dad owns a pub, and is always getting in to trouble,, my dad doesnt like him, said he is the wrong type for his grandchild to be around. And today FOB has been talking to my friend on msn, he told her how mad he is that i want to use my surname, that i had bought loads of things for the baby on my own, and that i dont want him at the birth. He then also said to her that somebody has told him that the baby might not be his. I know for a fact the baby is his, he was the first person i slept with, and at the times, i did love him. Ive got my 20 wk scan in 9 days, and hes said he is coming to that, but im dreading it when it should be a happy time. I just cant stop worrying, about what will happen once the baby is born, if he does take me to court etc etc, im worried now that i might not even love the baby once its born and i dont want it growing up to be like him. TBH i am scared of him! I really dont no what to do, and im so upset , sorry for the rant. x Hope that message makes sense.

 

[cabaretmum2b]

Awh hun, I'm sorry to hear that :/ Some men can be such a-holes!
There is no way in hell that ya court would uphold a decision in his favour - you two aren't married and therefore he has barely any rights at all, especially if him/his family have criminal records, and you have evidence of all the threats etc after he'd left. I don't think you should stress yourself out by worrying over it - I know it's difficult but you're going to be the one in the driver's seat no matter what, because legally he'll have nothing. There was a thread yesterday (I think) where someone else had gone to a solicitor to see what her rights were, it was a different situation but I think similar things would apply in that everything would be up to you.
I hope things sort out soon, and that you can get on with stuff without him!

 

[futuremommy91]

First off, there is no way the baby would have to have his surname unless YOU say it's okay. And tbh he seems very unstable- in case he decided to leave again you might want LO to have your name.

He sounds like a nutjob tbh. Does you mum know now about how he's acted? You'll need some support- people who are on your "side" iykwim. But he cannot be at the scans (pretty sure) or in the birthing room without your consent. Just know that.

And of course you'll love your LO! I know it's hard right now but once you meet him/her I'm sure you will fall head over heels in love with your bubs. And just because your bub has a nutty dad does NOT mean they will turn out like him at all. They will be their own person and you will be a great mummy

 

[Lizzieeeee x]

hey,

The baby might be both of yours but you are the one that has to carry it for 9 months. If you don't want him at the scan don't let him, it is a special time. And btw if he took you to court they would laugh at him.
And just a bit of advice if you are scared of him definetly put baby in your name because if he/she has FOBs last name he has more rights to it .
You will love your baby no matter who the father is.

I hope you feel better soon darling xxxxx

 

[Akira]

Try and ring your phone company and see if they can provide a transcript of the text messages from FOB.....that was if it comes to court, you have some proof of his abuse. Which to the courts, wont look good for him.

He cannot come to the scan if you do not want him there, YOU are the patient and therefore YOU decide on who comes. I would just send him a copy of the scan photo afterward, then it looks as though you still made an effort, and if the courts ask why you did not invite him you can use the phone transcript as proof of abuse, and therefore you feel unsafe around him.

Last name - he really has no say. It is totally up to you what you call your LO.

I would also suggest not putting him on the Birth Certificate

 

[JoJo16]

hey hun. i been/going through solicitors atm with my stupid fob! basically things are quie similar but not quite. i had the threatening text messages all through my pregnancy and an argument over the sirname and the name of the baby and the scans and the birth and just about everything lol. try and cut all contact if you can. nothing can be done untill baby is here so there is no point in getting stressed because it really doesnt help. my blood pressure was sky high and needed to be induced in the end and i no part the reason was stress from fob. i didnt allow him to the scan because i didnt wana see him after the way he treated me and i wantd to enjoy seeing my bubba on the screen and i new i wouldnt be able to with him there. its your choice if you dont want him there then thats that. just dont le him no when it is or what time and dont let mutual friends know either. at the birth he wont be aloud in without your consent and you can let the hospital know that aswell and they wont allow it.
i didnt tell fob i had gone into labour and i didnt tell him that alice was here untill i got home 5 days later. i couldnt be dealing with the stress whilst i was in hosp.
after bubba is here you dont even need to put him on the birth certificate, therefore you choose the name and you give baby your sirname. he will have to go to a solicitor first and if things arnt sorted you may be asked to go to mediation and if still nothing is sorted he can take you to court. this will cost him unless he isnt working and gets legal aid. all of this will take months and months. so i really wouldnt worry especially not now. try and enjoy your pregnancy and have as little contact as you can.

 

[KiansMummy]

hey hun. i been/going through solicitors atm with my stupid fob! basically things are quie similar but not quite. i had the threatening text messages all through my pregnancy and an argument over the sirname and the name of the baby and the scans and the birth and just about everything lol. try and cut all contact if you can. nothing can be done untill baby is here so there is no point in getting stressed because it really doesnt help. my blood pressure was sky high and needed to be induced in the end and i no part the reason was stress from fob. i didnt allow him to the scan because i didnt wana see him after the way he treated me and i wantd to enjoy seeing my bubba on the screen and i new i wouldnt be able to with him there. its your choice if you dont want him there then thats that. just dont le him no when it is or what time and dont let mutual friends know either. at the birth he wont be aloud in without your consent and you can let the hospital know that aswell and they wont allow it.
i didnt tell fob i had gone into labour and i didnt tell him that alice was here untill i got home 5 days later. i couldnt be dealing with the stress whilst i was in hosp.
after bubba is here you dont even need to put him on the birth certificate, therefore you choose the name and you give baby your sirname. he will have to go to a solicitor first and if things arnt sorted you may be asked to go to mediation and if still nothing is sorted he can take you to court. this will cost him unless he isnt working and gets legal aid. all of this will take months and months. so i really wouldnt worry especially not now. try and enjoy your pregnancy and have as little contact as you can.

Thankyou for that, its put my mind at rest a lot did his family have anything to say at all, if you dont mind me askiing? i have tried to limit contact, deleted him of facebook, and msn, and any msgs he send to my phone, not replying, but it doesnt help when he goes speaking to my friends, i wasnt happy at that, im trying not to stress, but hes doing all he can to get me upset and scare me xx

 

[JoJo16]

they didnt say anything much throughtout my pregnancy but when alice was here i had his mum ringing me and tecting me tellin me i should take alice round to there house as she has 2 sets of family and i said untill everything is sorted im not taking her anywer. i let his mum and sister come to my house to visit though. he came 3 times before she was a month old after threatening again to go to court bla bla bla. save your messages though incase it goes to court. i have (Y). i no its easier said than done not to stress because i did. my solicitor said while alice is so young contact is limited anyway. hes been offered half an hour twice a week. theres contact centres that can be used aswell. but you jsut gota wait untill baby is here because he might even find its too much effort and not bother

 

[KiansMummy]

they didnt say anything much throughtout my pregnancy but when alice was here i had his mum ringing me and tecting me tellin me i should take alice round to there house as she has 2 sets of family and i said untill everything is sorted im not taking her anywer. i let his mum and sister come to my house to visit though. he came 3 times before she was a month old after threatening again to go to court bla bla bla. save your messages though incase it goes to court. i have (Y). i no its easier said than done not to stress because i did. my solicitor said while alice is so young contact is limited anyway. hes been offered half an hour twice a week. theres contact centres that can be used aswell. but you jsut gota wait untill baby is here because he might even find its too much effort and not bother

Oh rights thanks very much for that x

 

[BunnyFace]

if he scares you and has threatened you, talk to the police. it's what i did with my ex. You can get an injunction against him so he cant come within so many metres of you and if he does he can get arrested etc. as for the surname thing, if you want to give your baby your surname, do it. he wont even get to court with that. you also dont have to put his name on the birth certificate. and if i were you, i certainly wouldnt. if you dont put him on the birth certificate, he has absolutly no rights whatsoever to your baby unless he takes you to court to get contact which will take months, and even that will be on your terms and you can insist of the visitation being supervised because he doesnt sound very nice tbh and it will give you more control and less to worry about. dont let him stop you enjoying your baby. And breastfeed, it'll make it harder for him to get contact, how on earth is he gunna be able to see bubs for long when he/she'll need feeding? x

 

[KiansMummy]

if he scares you and has threatened you, talk to the police. it's what i did with my ex. You can get an injunction against him so he cant come within so many metres of you and if he does he can get arrested etc. as for the surname thing, if you want to give your baby your surname, do it. he wont even get to court with that. you also dont have to put his name on the birth certificate. and if i were you, i certainly wouldnt. if you dont put him on the birth certificate, he has absolutly no rights whatsoever to your baby unless he takes you to court to get contact which will take months, and even that will be on your terms and you can insist of the visitation being supervised because he doesnt sound very nice tbh and it will give you more control and less to worry about. dont let him stop you enjoying your baby. And breastfeed, it'll make it harder for him to get contact, how on earth is he gunna be able to see bubs for long when he/she'll need feeding? x

Thankyou
x

 

[amandad192]

Hey. He can't make you give your LO his surname. It's your choice and whatever you decide he has to deal with. You've offered to double barrel. You compromised, so it's time he does too.
Someone said if LO has FOB's surname that he will have more rights, that's not true. Either parent can only have so much rights, and a surname won't make a difference as long as his name is on the birth certificate he will have parental rights.
And to be honest I think even if (s)he did have FOB's surname, if LO lives with you full time, then you have more rights.
It doesn't matter what blood is in anyone, your Dad could be a rapist and your mum a murderer, but as long as you are raised right to know how to respect other people and property, then you will be nothing like your parents. I'm sure you will do your best to teach your LO manners and respect so I doubt you will have issues with "Macrae Blood" taking over.

As for the shopping, just remember that whether or not you go shopping with him, let him buy things for your baby. Makes your life easier.