What do I do with my husband???

[saharablue02]

Hi everyone!

I am new here and this is the only site I've found that there are others who deal with the partner "not being ready" issue...I am completely open to any suggestions on dealing with my dilemma of sorts...

Super long story short-er:

My husband had a daughter from a HS relationship when he was 16...so he has a 10 year old and she doesn't live with us but comes to visit occasionally. Her mother is incarcerated for a few years (not going into details) and we went through a huge custody battle for her and ended up comprimising with the grandparents due to lack of finances and mainly due to them turning her against us. So I believe his daughter's birth was all negative memories. And that he thinks that it will be the same for us.

He alsways says he wants to be "ready." I keep telling him it's not going to be like a lightbulb switches on. Or is it??? How did your SO decide they were ready to try?

He now has a great job and we're finally able to start paying off some debt that we have. He wants to have this completely paid off (business line of credit), be "us" more, and have more "fun" before we try....

I am almost done with my masters in counseling (I am a high school teacher) and didn't want to try try until next year this time...but now he's saying he doesn't know if he will be ready that soon...

It's so frustrating though!!! He just doesn't feel the urge like I do. I don't want to be 30 and just getting pregnant with the first. And he told me when we first married (before all the baby mama drama lol) that he wanted to have them before he was 30-and I feel like he's changed all the sudden.

ANy thoughts??? Ideas/Advice???

 

[kintenda]

Ooh chicky, we understand!
Have you sat down & told him about how you feel about this? Truly? My OH didn't understand the urge until I had a proper sit down conversation with him! Aside from the fact that a LO takes 9m to cook, it might take a while to get pg in the first place....?!
In my experience (obviously not with all men!), I just eased in the conversations a bit more & more with random things & gradually OH realised that I wasn't telling him anything that he didn't want (if you see what I mean!)...
I think in your particular case, perhaps reassure him that you're there for the long term (although I'm sure that he knows that!) & that whilst you understand his fears, even if you started trying next summer then it would give you 2 years to pay off some/all of your debt! & you can have fun in the intervening months (even pg ladies can have fun, doesn't he know?!)
Good luck doll!
Katie x

 

[Amygdala]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Give him some time to do some of that paying off and having fun just now. You say you don't want to start trying for another year anyway. So give him 6 months or so and then have another talk. I found that bringing the topic up casually helps, things like "I know we're not ready just yet but won't it be nice in a while when we have a LO and can do ..." Just little situations and reminders that a baby actually enriches your life and doesn't make it stop. And pointing out cute babies, telling stories about other people's LOs. Obviously be careful to not OD on the baby stuff but I think this gradual approach is much better suited to the male mind.

And then in 6 months or so you can say "look, we're doing so well with the dept and everything, do you not think that there'll be space in our lives for a baby soon?".

Also I think a lot of men get cold feet, especially due to financial worries. I've seen this in every dad-to-be I know. I think sometimes we (as women) forget that it's a big responsibility for men as well, at least for the men worth keeping. Traditionally they're the ones responsible for "providing" for the family and I think that's still on their minds, even in families where both parents work. I think in a lot of men's heads it's still more of their job and still more their fault if things go wrong.

And as frustrating as it can be, I think it's way better to have a man who wants to be 100% sure that he's ready before having a LO instead of one who doesn't think it through properly and might find later on that it was too soon.

Bottom line: Don't worry too much, I'm sure he'll come around!

 

[kintenda]

Also I think a lot of men get cold feet, especially due to financial worries. I've seen this in every dad-to-be I know. I think sometimes we (as women) forget that it's a big responsibility for men as well, at least for the men worth keeping. Traditionally they're the ones responsible for "providing" for the family and I think that's still on their minds, even in families where both parents work. I think in a lot of men's heads it's still more of their job and still more their fault if things go wrong.

And as frustrating as it can be, I think it's way better to have a man who wants to be 100% sure that he's ready before having a LO instead of one who doesn't think it through properly and might find later on that it was too soon.

I gotta say that I agree with this & I've said it to my OH before. I think as you've said, it's important to introduce it over time & remind of the positives rather than the scary bits! Hopefully he will bring it up himself with you after thinking about it

 

[Vesta]

I'm in the same situation. I'm ready but hubby isn't. We just have to wait I'm afraid. Is isn't something we should try and change their mind about. We just have to wait until they feel the same way we do!

 

[Blob]

My OH didn't know he wanted children until our little girl arrived pretty much He honestly hadn't even contemplated having children, then when we got pregnant with Tabitha he came around and now he just wants lots of children I'm not sure many men are ever 'ready' but I'd agree with the others about sitting him down and really talking about it There are so many people in the same boat here hun