What do you ladies think? Sorry, it's quite long......

[CookieDough23]

Hi ladies,

So I don't have a Mum. To be blunt. I come from a family of four. All of us have different fathers. Two of which are in care. My brother is with his Dad. I'm with my Dad. And none of us know each other

Bit of background info, my Mum is a drug addict, she also has stabbed her boyfriend (when I was there, when I was 6). I have had no contact with her since. So in conclusion, she has four children and knows none of them.

I worry this is a genetic thing. I can't say I particularly like kids.....but when I see babies I go all goey and broody, and I do say I can't wait until I have a family of my own. That being said, I do worry in case I do the same as her. I've never done drugs, nor am I a one for violence.

From what I can gather, my Mum and I are different. She has no qualifications, never had a job, had four kids with different blokes, got addicted to heroin, stabbed her boyfriend and carried on reproducing. Myself, I have qualifications, i'm about to go uni, and like i've already said, i'm not violent and I don't do drugs. That being said, though I can see the clear difference between us, I still can't shift the concern that i'll end up like her. I have too much of a conscience to have children and then abandon them, but still, I do worry.

So I guess my question to you ladies is, what do you think my chances are of being like her? Has anyone else ever been in my position? And if so, what was the outcome?

Oh and btw, I don't plan on trying for a baby for another like 10 years, when i've finished uni, got a job, partner etc. But this is something which has bugged me for a good couple of years.

Any opinions are appreciated!

 

[L_K_J_M]

i would say ur the total opposite of ur mum, you have made a life for yourself and done well and i think will continue to do well, dont worry about it when your time comes to being a mummy you will be a naturall.

ps my mums a complete and utter nasty bitch and i am not like her at all, i think i am a good mother and my partner has said it! so dont worry xx

 

[CharmedKirsty]

My Husband dad is an alcoholic woman beater. My Husband grew up watching he dad get drunk and hit his mum and had to call the police on his Dad. My husband in our 7 year relationship has never hit me and never been drunk and vows that when we have children he will be a better dad than his was.

 

[Celesse]

We are all a product of both nature and nurture. You are clearly already very different from your mother. You were brought up by your dad from an early age, so you were parented differently to your mother. Do you have a mother figure, such as step-mother?

You sound like you have ambition, wanting to go to uni and get a house and a job, so I very much doubt you will end up a heroin addict. What was your mother's up bringing like to cause her to live her life like this? You were removed from this situation from a young age. The parenting you received from you dad is likely to have a much greater impact on how you parent your own children than the parenting you received from your mum.

It does sound like you have a few issues in your past which you need to resolve. Have you tried getting hold of your records from social services? (my guess is you had a social worker when you were little). Or maybe accessing counselling through your GP? If you got you SS records it may tell you more about what happened when you were little, from an un-bias point of view (assuming you have been told about your mother from relatives).

But nothing you have written makes me think you would be anything other than a brilliant mum. Feel free to pm me if you feel you want a private chat with someone about any of this.

 

[xsophiexleax]

By the sounds of things you will NOT be like her. You are an accomplished person and if you've seen her disgusting behaviour first hand I doubt you'd want to inflict that on anybody else. You'll be nothing but a great mum and stronger for the experience

 

[wtt :)]

I agree with everyone here. You seem like you live life well and have realistic goals so I have no doubt you will be a wonderful mom one day!

 

[mummy3]

TBH your mum sounds a lot like mine I haven't been in contact with any of my family for years, so I do know very much what its like tp worry like this

So far so good, you just have to keep reminding yourself just how different you are, and try hard not to dwell on her

 

[Caroline:-)]

The fact that you're even asking these questions and have these concerns seems to suggest that you are far too aware of the issues and all the bad they've caused to ever let them affect you!!! You certainly sound to me like the complete opposite of your mother - you seem sensible, thoughtful, caring, ambitious, etc and I'm sure you'll make a wonderful mother when the time comes

 

[silverbell]

I would say that nobody ends up like their parents unless they choose to. You're your own person and if anything the way your mother behaved will have shown you how not to behave. I imagine you'll be a truly wonderful mother.

Enjoy your time waiting and try not to worry x

 

[CookieDough23]

Thanks very much for your opinion ladies!

 

[Rikki]

I would say that nobody ends up like their parents unless they choose to. You're your own person and if anything the way your mother behaved will have shown you how not to behave. I imagine you'll be a truly wonderful mother.

Enjoy your time waiting and try not to worry x

I would agree with this totally. My mum left my dad when I was 5 and left myself and my brother with my dad and I saw her about once a year. I would never ever leave my kids. If I had to leave a relationship I'd make sure my kids were with me, so if anything the experience has made sure I would do the opposite.

 

[Button#]

The fact you recognise the problems your mother has and are on the watch for them hopefully means you'll be able to spot any similar patterns of behaviour in yourself and react before they cause you problems. It sounds like you're far from affected by your childhood influences and you seem to be doing really well. Best of luck for the future x

 

[wanna-b-mummy]

My situation isn't the same, but I thought I'd share.

My parents are wonderful, but together, they were a nightmare. They were great at first, but then things went sour after about 10 years after my mum just said she couldn't take any more of my dad. My dad worked a lot and my mum worked part time to be at home with us, but my dad would never come out with us, ever, claiming to always be too tired, or busy. In fact, I don't have many memories of family days out with him, which is sad. Just us, and my mum, and we didn't have any less fun, but the fact my dad never wanted to go to school plays and never said I love you to her eventually wore my mum down - so much to a point that she did the dirty behind his back (not the ideal thing to do, but she was in an awful place) and they broke up.
We (as in the kids) then went through this huge pile of shit. My dad wanted to try and be a better man but it was just too late for her and she believed it too late for us. By this time, he'd missed a majority of those lovely childhood things. Saying this though, I never looked at him as a bad dad. He was lazy, but lovely and loving all the same.

When I was younger I used to worry about getting a boyfriend or getting married, because I thought "Because she's my mum, does that mean I will be walked over, or I'll get divorced, or I'll cheat" and then I'd worry about having children. "Will I put my children through what I went through because it's genes? Will I miss school sports days or recitals?".

The answer is no. I am actually a better person because of what happened. I am aware relationships take work and you must speak up and always be honest, so mine and OH's relationship is a happy one. I also know I would NEVER put up with OH not coming on days out with us, or to a school play. He is completely different to how my dad was anyway (and I say was because my dad bless him, has turned his life around) but if he dare start being lazy, I'd come down on him like a tonne of bricks! Lol.

What I'm trying to say is that just because your mum has made all of these mistakes and hurt her children, it does not mean you will. You're your own person, and you know even more now what it means to be a good mother because you'll want to give your children everything you didn't have! You'll be even more aware and focused on where you want your life to go (it seems you have already hun, so good on you) and you'll be adamant you want to be a good mum because you didn't have that.

So in short, no, how your mother acted and treated you has absolutely no reflection on what kind of mother you'll be and I'm sure you'll be a loving, awesome mother