What does/could your OH do to help at nighttime?

[AngelofTroy]

When our son was tiny I felt a huge amount of resentment towards my OH, because I was struggling so much from sleep deprivation and nine times out of ten he had a full night's sleep. I was breastfeeding - so he would say there was nothing he could do and go back to sleep. Our relationship really suffered as I would be up for hours on end settling Micah while OH snored away next to me.

We're currently TTC #2 and I have spoken to him about needing more help this time, but I fear it's going to be a repeat of the same. Last night our toddler woke with a tummy ache and it was all the safe excuses as when he was a baby! (he needs his mum, he doesn't want me...etc)

I'm looking for some real tangible tasks/reasons I can give him that will help us to be more of a team this time. I don't want him to be awake for the sake of it and I know it's better that one of us at least can sleep but I don't think I can handle the all-nighter-watching-hubby-slumber-peacefully again without getting murderous thoughts!!

Help please!

 

[whigfield]

When I was breastfeeding, he would wake up and change LO for me, and then go back to sleep while I nursed. It was just nice because I didn't have to get out of bed. I mean.. I could have just kept nappy changing stuff beside the bed, but it let me just have a minute before preparing for being up for a while.

When we switched to bottles he did the same routine except he made the bottle for me too. He said it was fine for him because he could go straight back to sleep and it was just a small thing so I didn't feel abandoned at night. At weekends he took over the night feeds, too. I really love him for it!

 

[MommyJogger]

I have rarely had a nighttime diaper change for either child-- DH always said if I had all the feeds, the least he could do was diapers since night diapers end so much sooner than night feeding. Since my second baby has a pacifier, if there's a sick baby that doesn't want milk but won't settle in bed with us, he takes some "stay up and rock/wear the baby" shifts and imo did a very fair share of putting a pinky finger in our first's mouth on those occasions, too. He works long hours and is very into doing lots of childcare when he finally gets to see his boys.
The "one of us should at least sleep" frame of mind really only flies if it means the sleeper is feeling good the next day so they can provide the night-shifter with a break or if they have a job that actually requires that kind of focus.

 

[NickyKB]

With DS1 my DH didn't do much at nighttime until 9/10 weeks when we introduced a bottle of ebm at 11 which he then did and did the settlling that went after this feed. It's not much but actually it did make a difference as even if I wasn't asleep by the end at east I was in bed relaxing. He moved into the spare room for a couple of weeks shortly after and actually I found this really helped as I didn't get hugely angry that I'd just spent ages getting a baby to sleep and was trying to lower him gently into the basket without waking him only for my DH to make a huge amount of noise turning over etc putting me back to square one.

WIth DS2 it's different he basically just took over toddler care at night-time. DS1 has been good at night for ages but after DS2 was born went through several weeks of waking in the night not hours in the night but enough to need someone to go in and reassure him. He alsostarted waking up horribly early. We decided fairly quickly that actually it would be better for me to be in 1 room with DS2 (who initially wanted to bed share and then we managed to move him into a side sleeper crib but it meant there wasn't much room for all of us) and he would be in the other room and get up with DS1 if needed during the night and in the morning. I'd forgotten that actually although you're up in the night a few times in that early stage you're often up later than normal as the baby may well start their day between 8-9am (or even occasionally later) by which time my DS1 would've been up for 2-3hrs and although my DH grumbled about the constant early start it made a huge difference to me. Also murderous thoughts wise (and I had them too) actually not seeing someone lying there next to me asleep helped reduce these!

 

[Cattia]

My DH doesn't do a thing at night time and never has so I can relate to your feeling of wanting to kill him! Personally I wouldn't trust him to stay up for long periods of time with a small baby, I'm too worried he would fall asleep and it not be safe. My DS was a terrible sleeper but I ended up co-sleeping as I felt that was the safest way.

I have BF all mine so I think that makes it harder, as there is only so much they can do at night. I figure once I'm awake I to feed I may as well do the changing as well. However he never wakes up when one of the older ones wakes. There have been times when I've woken him and booted him out of bed but then he's so grumpy and miserable about it that it's hardly worth it.

I think the only thing that is making it OK this time around is that I have a great little sleeper! She goes down at 8-9pm then doesn't wake until 5am, quick feed and then back down again. My DS was the complete opposite, up half the night, never settled, cried all the time, it was hellish for the first four months. Anyway, I haven't offered much advice, but with any luck you might get a baby that sleeps well for you this time around! I think the very least they can do is take on all the care of the older ones when they wake in the night, and then at least you only have baby to deal with.

 

[misspriss]

I would like him to get the diaper changes, since I have to nurse not one but two children during the night. He sleeps so soundly though and usually waking him for a diaper change ends up either waking the toddler or me being so fully awake by the time he even stirs I get angry at him.

Like last night, I woke him and asked him to change her diaper. He said yes, but nothing happened. Repeated the process two more times, both times he said yes and then nothing. By this point I am pissed, because I'm nursing her but I want him to change her diaper before she falls back asleep, then I discover her diaper has leaked on the bed and she really needs a change...and at this point I'm fully awake and pissed, and he claims he was talking in his sleep and can't be responsible for it.

 

[cjwn]

My husband didn't / couldn't do much at night time with either of our boys because I was breastfeeding and co-sleeping. They were both crap at sleeping as well and were up 4-5 times each night until weaned etc. However, if he was lying next to me snoring away then I would have wanted to murder him. The biggest help was having him sleep on the couch so I could just get on with it. This made it easier for him to take over toddler responsibility when #2 came along - he had the baby monitor and fielded any night wakings without disturbing me and the baby. When things got too much for me I asked him to have a shift with the baby as well but it wasn't very often.

I don't know if this is true for other dads but I know that my husband sometimes doesn't know how to help or when help is needed unless I specifically tell him, then he's happy to step in. I worked out that it was easier to just ask him to do something than hope he'd offer and resent him when he didn't.

 

[Larkspur]

In the first couple of weeks, while on paternity leave, he helped with changing nappies. But since I've always EBF, there was not much else he could do.

Only I could settle our first until he was about 18 months old. At that point he had stopped nursing to sleep, so OH started to do the last bit of bedtime (like, the very last bit of rubbing DS's back as he drifted off to sleep) and any night wakings (which DS resisted strongly for the first couple of days, but then became okay about).

Our second is a bit easier and OH can put her down to sleep if need be, though I still do all the night wakings for her as she still likes to nurse then (I usually cosleep in her room after midnight). OH gets up if DS wakes, but that might be once a week or less, and he usually goes back down really fast.

What OH does do is get up in the morning and take the baby so that I can get 20-30 minutes to lie in while he prepares breakfast. That's a big help, even though it's a small thing.

I would definitely get him onto sharing the responsibility of night-wakings for Micah. He's likely to have a sleep regression when baby arrives (sooooo common) and you will definitely NOT want to be getting up to both of them.

 

[zorak]

My husband was a massve help at night time. I breastfed so hed bring baby to me then change the diaper and resettle LO. It really minimized how long I had to be up for. At other times he would get up early with LO so I could get some sleep before he had togo to work.

With LO2 due any day we've talked about it and he plans on basically doing the same but will primarily be on duty for any of our toddlers night wakings (doesn't happen often). He will also get up early with both baby and toddler.

 

[Button#]

My OH has taken over my toddlers night wakings completely. He also does nappy changes and if she is having a bad night he will take a turn sitting up and holding her while I sleep.

 

[Beanonorder]

I would like him to get the diaper changes, since I have to nurse not one but two children during the night. He sleeps so soundly though and usually waking him for a diaper change ends up either waking the toddler or me being so fully awake by the time he even stirs I get angry at him.

Like last night, I woke him and asked him to change her diaper. He said yes, but nothing happened. Repeated the process two more times, both times he said yes and then nothing. By this point I am pissed, because I'm nursing her but I want him to change her diaper before she falls back asleep, then I discover her diaper has leaked on the bed and she really needs a change...and at this point I'm fully awake and pissed, and he claims he was talking in his sleep and can't be responsible for it.

My dh does this too! He claims he has no recollection of me asking anything so it doesn't count!

With dd I used to go to bed at around 9 and he'd keep her with him in the lounge until she was ready for a feed at around 12. Then I'd do the rest of the night. Waking him to do anything took so long it was a waste of time. This time we've been separated since before ds was born so I've been dealing with both of them on my own. We're kind of back together but I'm so used to doing it on my own it's hard to ask him for anything now.

 

[Kristalebear1]

When our son was tiny I felt a huge amount of resentment towards my OH, because I was struggling so much from sleep deprivation and nine times out of ten he had a full night's sleep. I was breastfeeding - so he would say there was nothing he could do and go back to sleep. Our relationship really suffered as I would be up for hours on end settling Micah while OH snored away next to me.

We're currently TTC #2 and I have spoken to him about needing more help this time, but I fear it's going to be a repeat of the same. Last night our toddler woke with a tummy ache and it was all the safe excuses as when he was a baby! (he needs his mum, he doesn't want me...etc)

I'm looking for some real tangible tasks/reasons I can give him that will help us to be more of a team this time. I don't want him to be awake for the sake of it and I know it's better that one of us at least can sleep but I don't think I can handle the all-nighter-watching-hubby-slumber-peacefully again without getting murderous thoughts!!

Help please!

I haven't read pp's, so this may be repeated. But my OH and I just had a baby girl a week and a half ago. He works really early hours (up between 3-6 a.m home by 2-6p.m) so he goes to sleep rather early some nights. I am breastfeeding but do pump so OH will give the occasional bottle (once at night, once during the day the rest of the time she breast feeds). However he gets me the diapers, wipes, diaper cream anytime she needs a change. I let him go back to sleep once he's handed me the diaper and I change her mainly because I know how much he needs sleep to work. But its sweet he gets up to help me in such a simple way so I don't have to get out of bed. He also runs to grab my hand pump (which I keep in the fridge after sterilizing it) whenever I need it, wash a pacifier if it falls, and sometimes just rock her when she cries so I can go pee. He grabs new clothes if she spits up, and burps her if I need him to.

So mainly I do most the night work, but he helps a tad. I choose to though, and he helps whenever needed. Oh he also hands the baby to me when I need to feed her as its not always so easy for me to get up and get her as I'm healing from a tear.

Perhaps have him do something for you instead of the baby? I get awfully hot when breastfeeding so I often send OH to grab a rag soaked in cold water for my forehead to keep cool, and a glass of water to drink, or a snack if I'm hungry etc.

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

DD was exclusively formula fed, so we split night feedings/diaper changes/cuddles so the other person could get a little more sleep. We also trade off on sleeping in on his days off still.

If you're planning to breastfeed again can you maybe pump some and have him do one of the feedings? I know having just that extra two or three hours most nights those first couple of weeks made such a huge difference!

 

[hiladun]

When I was breastfeeding, he would wake up and change LO for me, and then go back to sleep while I nursed. It was just nice because I didn't have to get out of bed. I mean.. I could have just kept nappy changing stuff beside the bed, but it let me just have a minute before preparing for being up for a while.

When we switched to bottles he did the same routine except he made the bottle for me too. He said it was fine for him because he could go straight back to sleep and it was just a small thing so I didn't feel abandoned at night. At weekends he took over the night feeds, too. I really love him for it!

Exactly the same minus the bottle parts, Especially when lo was quite little.
And later when we were trying to nightwean/reduce the wakings (lo is a very bad sleeper) he would
Go and try to settle lo.

I Just couldn't handle the sleep deprivation by around 17 months as had done pretty much every bedtime (taking 2-3 hours usually) and waking (frequent!) until then (albeit with oh doing as above when lo was little) so he just took over all bedtimes and most wakings for a few Months. I would still sometimes end up going in but oh was first line of defence and would stay there till I relived him! God love him.

Now we alternate bedtimes but he does 4 and me 3 a week usually. And lo is usually wet at his one waking/wake up so oh changes him then he comes in to me for a cuddle (if I win) or some boob (if lo wins lol).

Lo often gets up at 5 or earlier and 9 times out of 10 if I really can't get lo to sleep then oh takes him downstairs for an hour or two while I zzzzzz.

To be fair, my oh has said many times that he is fine on not much sleep. Think he regrets saying it now!

 

[lisaalove]

I see no point in him being up at night because he takes care of the kids during the day. Or at least that's what it's supposed to be.. somehow I still feel like I end up with both jobs. The sahm job and a regular one... (I work 6pm- 1am) get home bf lo and go to bed then am up again around 5 to feed him and then back to bed and ds1 is up by 7. So then I'm up again and fall asleep when DS2 takes his nap at 9 and back up at 11 when dh finally wakes up... and even then he still pretty much has me take care of DS2 and his excuse is always well he just wants the boob. He could do a lot for me simple things like nor coming into the bathroom with him as soon as I step out of the shower and say he wants you. (Can I have 5 minutes to brush my hair?!) Or let me eat dinner... instead he always just expects me to eat whenever I have baby calmed.

 

[HoneyBee144]

My DH has completely taken over DS1 bedtime and night waking's. Before DS2 was born we'd do DS1 bedtime together and then I'd deal with any night waking's (he didn't sleep through till he was at least 20 months old!). Unfortunately DS2 tended to be unsettled around the time of DS1's bedtime and his crying would then make DS1 cry and it would all spiral out of control so we split the bedtimes. We still do bath times together then I take DS2 downstairs for his last bottle and DH stays upstairs with DS1. They watch an in the night garden then he reads him his Thomas the tank engine books and then says goodnight. DS1 is really good and will just drift off after but if he does wake DH goes in. Honestly my DH is an amazing father, he's so supportive and there's nothing he won't do, when he's home we split everything 50/50. Having said that, he sleeps soundly through any night waking's, I have to wake him if DS1 wakes up and I also wake him if DS2 wakes as he goes and makes the bottle. He hears nothing though and even if he does get up he can be back asleep 10 seconds after getting back in to bed, sometimes i just sit watching him sleep while I feed the baby, silently raging!! I don't really mind though as I know if I asked him to so anything he would.

Also wanted to mention, when we started the new bedtime routine and DH took over (I'd always done it before) we didn't think DS1 would accept it. We couldn't have been more wrong. He loves it and its lovely that my husband gets that time with him before bed as when he is at work he works 6am-6pm so it gives him some time with him. DS1 also doesn't mind DH going in during the night and always shouts for daddy in the morning...he's very put out if DH is at work and I turn up!!

 

[lisa1980]

Whilst he was on paternity leave he would do all the night-time nappy changes and settling and I'd only have to do the breastfeeding which made a huge difference. He would also bring the boys downstairs in the morning and do their breakfasts/bath/dressing so I could have a lie in (he still does this at the weekend if I've had a bad night).

Once he went back to work he took over DS1 duties at night. To be fair, ds1 hardly ever wakes at night now, and if he does it's just for a quick drink or the toilet, but DH also does his bedtime routine with him which gives me some evening time to just relax (on bnb ).

The few nights that DS2 has been very unsettled with teething etc I've asked him to take over and he always does without a fuss which I appreciate. I've felt much less resentful towards him this time round because we've both been careful to define what we need the other one to do early on rather than letting it fester.

 

[Zephram]

My OH never helped with our toddler at night when he was a baby, even when I was delirious from sleep deprivation. I also harbour resentment from this as although we made a deal that if he was to work and I was to stay home looking after him, then he wouldn't have to get up so he could function at work. I didn't realise this extended to me never getting a sleep in and him never helping even on weekends where I thought it was fair for it to be 50-50, since he didn't have to get up to go to work in the mornings.

Ha! Our first LO is now just over 2.5 and still wakes most nights around once and if he sleeps through he is up for the day between 5-6am, so I am in third tri of pregnancy and exhausted and freaking out over the prospect of getting up to two kids at night. OH has said he will take over the care of our toddler at night when our baby is born, but I am having to do 'expectation vs reality' in my head, as he says he will do this, but I know what he's like. He is a good dad, but he's lazy and if he thinks he can get away with it he will do as little as possible. So we shall see. Let's hope he mans the eff up when our next one is born!