What have you told LO about FOB?

[Zondon]

Ok so I'm wondering, single mums out there who are not with FOB and are not cordial with him because of serious concerns about their little ones safety and cases where FOB has no access to the children, what do you tell your little ones about their father/sperm donor?

Do you try to explain a little bit about why he's not in their lives in a truthful way but in an age appropriate language/manner or do you make up a ''prettier'' story about their dad or what....!?

How did you decide what to tell LO? Did you get advice from counsellors, friends, priests or just thought about it carefully, decided what way to go and stuck with that?

Zondon

 

[Dream.dream]

How old your little one? Honestly unless they are 4-6 they are unlikely to ask , kids younger really don't notice the difference .

If they are older and ask why they don't have a daddy or why they don't see their daddy , you just say that daddy is busy or can't come see them right now , but your there and you love them or if you have extended family that they love them too.

Honestly you really shouldn't say anything about dad being abusive, drugs anger or things like that until the child is in the mid to late teens and old enough to fully understand . Any earlier and you risk upsetting them . Even of their dad is a bad person it's still there dad and they are part him so of you tell them bad things about them then kid will feel bad .

 

[Zondon]

Hi and thanks for the reply!

No, no my little one is very very young still, but it's a subject I'm finding difficult to get a handle on.

You hit the nail on the head really; it's what you said "even if their dad is a bad person he's still their dad". So it might be a matter of finding a balance between the truth and not speaking badly about her dad... It's just a very tricky issue is all, so I wanted to see what other people thought/did!

Zondon

 

[Dream.dream]

It's very hard and honestly I suggest some counselling so you can figur things out before and so you don't have resentment your child can see . My baby's dad was abusive and took me a a while but I've gotten to a point of letting go and forgiveness for my sons sake

My sons dad was in his life , howeve had supervised visits due to safety issues , it was that way for 3 years and then the visits got fewer and fewer and now he doesn't see him.
Of he asks about his dad I tell him daddy is working and can't come see you right now, and usually I don't have to go any further. In my sons I tell him his daddy loves him but can't see him right now. But if dads never been around it will be different

You have a whole yet to figure it out. Most kids won't notice their family is any different until at least grade school and you can prepare before then

 

[Zondon]

Hi again!

It is hard you're right! I did think about counselling for advice, but honestly think every counsellor would have a different opinion on how to approach this so maybe mums who've been there would be more helpful...!

No definitely no resentment here. I am thankful for my child's existence and for her father's genetic contribution to that existence. The only thing I want really is to safeguard my child's psychological and physical wellbeing as best I can in this instance!

Ah! I see! That's useful actually! And your little one doesn't ask more at this stage, if you don't mind my asking of course?

True that yes!! But really interested to see how others in similar situations have dealt with it!

Zondon

 

[Ceejay123]

I grew up without my dad - my mum left him and he ran off to get married.

She found it hard, but she always just told me he was busy with work and that he lived very far away (which was true). I'm very glad she didn't say awful things about him. I think the child should have the chance to make their own mind up. X

 

[Zondon]

Hi and thanks for the reply!

That's very interesting! I grew up without a dad too, in that he passed away when I was little but I still had a gazillion questions about him and asked my mum/relatives/family friends about him. Not constantly mind you, more like I went through phases of having questions as a kid. I guess most children will have questions about their dad.

No, awful things are a definite no no you're absolutely right. The truth however is often awful in itself, but I'm just not sure in this case...

Food for thought perhaps!

Zondon

 

[helen_beee]

I will always tell my LO that his Dad loved him very much but was too young and immature to be a parent. In reality his Dad is a waste of space who doesn't care enough to make an effort to see his son or pay child maintenance, but I don't want LO to know that. I will answer all questions to the best of my abillity - whilst balancing honesty with considering how what I am saying will effect LO. It's not about FOB it's about how your words will effect LO. I still hold out hope that he will mature and be a good Dad to LO but the way he's treat us in the past I doubt it will happen. I have a few years before he'll ask about him anyway xx

 

[Dream.dream]

I will always tell my LO that his Dad loved him very much but was too young and immature to be a parent. In reality his Dad is a waste of space who doesn't care enough to make an effort to see his son or pay child maintenance, but I don't want LO to know that. I will answer all questions to the best of my abillity - whilst balancing honesty with considering how what I am saying will effect LO. It's not about FOB it's about how your words will effect LO. I still hold out hope that he will mature and be a good Dad to LO but the way he's treat us in the past I doubt it will happen. I have a few years before he'll ask about him anyway xx

I have that hope too. For my sons sake I hope his dad will grow up and be a good dad . I don't think it will happen but it would be best of it did , mixed emotions about it

My son never asks where his dad is . To be honest I think that's because he's not lacking on loving supporting people else where . Some kids it really doesn't matter and others it does .

I think in our situations as single moms we worry and worry about things , we make the best decision we can and we hope and pray it was the right one for our children and it won't hurt them. With questions like this there is no right answer

 

[Dezireey]

I used to stress and stress and stress about this in the early stages and this occupied my thoughts more than anything. It took me a while to realise that like Dream said, its a good few years before they even ask any sort of question about 'Daddy' and even then, they have got so used to him not being in their life, at that age they probably ask the question and then go back to happily playing when you answer it.

Strangely enough, the main reason my FOB is gone has a lot to do with his compulsive lying and general mental issues and this information (I believe) will help greatly when explaining to my son, when he is much older, why his Dad is not around. Its the truth, his Dad was ill in the head and after a brain injury at work, just lost the plot and made no sense and said crazy things. But in his early life, I will just say as little as possible but always, always positive things. I will NEVER say anything bad about his father. I will just say when he is very little that 'Daddy is very poorly and can't be with us'. Then, when he is older and says 'Mum, what exactly is wrong with my father?' Then I will explain in more detail and in a nice manner.

I think this is something a lot of women (whose FOB may have just left them) need to push aside in their thoughts. Don't spend ages of your time getting upset about what to tell LO about Daddy not being around when they are still young . You are raw with emotions and FOB has only just left. You have another few years to get over FOB leaving and get happy again before this topic comes up with your child. Try to spend that time healing and building a new life for yourself and your little one.

 

[Zondon]

Hellen_bee and Dream.dream thank you both for the replies! Yes, finding a balance sounds very important! You have a point in that if there's enough loving, supportive people around that helps children feel secure and loved and can help them get through something like an absent dad...!

You hit the nail on the head Dream. Dream! "we make the best decision we can and we hope and pray it was the right one for our children and it won't hurt them. With questions like this there is no right answer". You're absolutely, 100% right...! That's all we can do sometimes is pray and have faith that the decisions we make are the right ones (or at least the least harmful ones) for our children.

Dezireey thank you for your reply! I've thought about what you said too to be honest, saying that a parent is "ill" in some way and that's way he can't be there but that he loves the child very much. The only concern I think I'd have with that, and of course this is all theoretical at this stage and when I say concern I mean for my case as I obviously can't talk about anyone else, is that some children tend to worry about people who are unwell, especially family members or friends.

I would hate to have a child worry about a parent who is "ill" or to worry that they themselves may become "ill" because daddy is et cetera et cetera. On the other hand, children will react to information in very different ways so that might work really well for some people; I'm just saying it's something that I would personally be hesitant to use because of the possible 'child worry' factor.... !

You're right in that we as single mothers need to not stress about things like that. However it doesn't need to be a stress, it can be just a subject someone needs to mull over and come back to again and again through the years before a decision is reached.

Zondon

 

[Dezireey]

I know what you mean hun, but in my case it is the truth and I am a strong believer that with children you should tell them the core truth of something like this but obviously omit or not give the full information because they can't deal with that sort of minute detail or complex emotional data until they are older.

What is more important? Telling a child their Dad can't be here or that he left or that he is abroad etc etc and then your child finding out years later that their Mother has been lying all this time? Or telling the truth? If you just say to a four year old the vague sentence ' your Daddy can't be with us' then 99% of the time that is followed by 'why?' And then if you are vague again such as ' because he is unable to be around' they will again say 'but why?' You have to give children a viable, short answer with some detail, otherwise they are utterly confused and start making their own conclusions.

I would rather tell my child the nice truth rather than a nice lie.

I don't want him saying to me when he is 16 ' why did you lie to me? why didn't you tell me my father left us because he was ill and let me believe all this time that it could have been my fault he left us?

 

[Zondon]

Hi Dezireey,

Yes!! Now that I absolutely 100% agree with; the truth is so so important for children and for our long term relationship with them...!

No, nice lies can backfire and be very harmful for children and for parents alike....A nice truth put in an age appropriate way sounds much better....!

Zondon

 

[blamesydney]

My FOB actually see's our daughter three days a week and is a pretty good father, but I've always wondered what I would tell our little girl when she asks why we aren't together like other mommys and daddys.

Just offering a different point of view!
I plan on telling my little girl that mommy and daddy loved each other very much but we were too young and things just didn't work out.

 

[Mummy1995]

I haven't got a clue what to tell my girl.. her dad isn't ill, he doesn't live far away (10mins car ride), he just doesn't give a damn thankfully I have a long while yet x

 

[xxsteffyxx]

My dad left when I was 10 months old and my brother was nearly 2. My mum had a partner who I knew wasn't my biological father, but she didn't need to explain a lot to me. The fact I knew my father left and my mother never ever spoke badly of him, made me think he was a loser. Therefore I didn't care lol.

As for Harvey. At the moment he see's Steffan as his father, as he wouldn't know the difference between 'blood relations' right now, but when he is old enough to understand I will explain that Steffan is Harvey's daddy, but Harvey has another daddy who helped make him.
It's all very confusing. We'll get to that time when it comes...

 

[daneuse27]

Very good question! I'm not sure what Im going to tell my daughter yet. The situation is that her dad very much cares, but he lives far away in another country (5 hour flight.) I am hoping that he'll one day get a job close to where we live so that he can actually see her. I dont get along with his family, so the chances of me flying there are slim. And money is an issue for us, so we cant afford frequent enough visits for him to see her often. Its a hard situation for sure. To make matters worse, we argue quite a bit. He is much more concerned with his rights and entitlements as a dad, rather than his responsibility.

What I will tell my daughter depends on how things unravel over the next few years. If he continues to reside far away and never moves closer to us, I'll just explain to her that he lives far away. I'll tell her that she can talk to him on the phone some times, and see pictures, and see him in person once a while, but thats it because he has to go home after. As she gets older (teenage) I'll be able to tell her things more in detail, but I'll definitely avoid speaking poorly of him.

 

[babycrazy1706]

stalking this thread

 

[Dezireey]

The fact I knew my father left and my mother never ever spoke badly of him, made me think he was a loser. Therefore I didn't care lol....

I think this applies to TONS of people whose father left when they were young. We look at these innocent babies that don't understand much at all but we forget that they grow up into intelligent adults that can think and make their minds up about their personal situations all by themselves, perhaps without their Mother saying very much about their Dad at all.

Just FOB not being around at all gives them the finite answer they need and a lot of people just don't want to know about their biological fathers anyway because of this sole reason.

 

[Ceejay123]

The fact I knew my father left and my mother never ever spoke badly of him, made me think he was a loser. Therefore I didn't care lol....

I think this applies to TONS of people whose father left when they were young. We look at these innocent babies that don't understand much at all but we forget that they grow up into intelligent adults that can think and make their minds up about their personal situations all by themselves, perhaps without their Mother saying very much about their Dad at all.

Just FOB not being around at all gives them the finite answer they need and a lot of people just don't want to know about their biological fathers anyway because of this sole reason.

This is how it was for me, I never cared. My sister asked questions so I heard answers but I'd made my mind up he was a loser x