What questions do you ask your kids after school?

[Zephram]

My DS1 is just closing out his first week of school (we start at 5 in NZ) and I’d love him to be comfortable talking to me about how school is going and how he’s feeling about it, how things are with friends, etc, but I feel quite lost in how to approach this. My parents were great at providing the material things, but useless at emotional support. They never helped me to understand my feelings when I had the usual kid troubles with friends, and as such I stopped trying to talk to them very early on, since I realised I was just getting dismissed and wasn’t getting any advice or understanding.

I want to avoid this kind of situation with my kids at all costs and I want them to know and feel that they can talk to me about what’s going on in their lives. I just haven’t really got a clue how to approach this and although I feel like DS1 has been open with me about his first few days at school, I feel a bit like I’m quizzing or interviewing him each day after school, instead of just having a natural conversation. I don’t want to put him off talking to me by being too overbearing! So what should I ask him and how do I go about making it a normal part of our day for him to talk about what happened and how he’s feeling about it?

 

[sequeena]

If i ask my son what he did at school all i get is I don't know. He has a communication book and the school has a Twitter page so I get a rough idea of what's going on. Instead I ask things like did you have a nice day? Was anyone sad today? Was anyone naughty today? If he answers those questions I branch out a bit more and ask why was so and so sad? etc.

Sometimes I don't ask him anything and he will just come up to me and tell me something that has happened. Recently he told me that he likes to play by himself. I asked him if children wanted to play with him and he said yes but he likes to play his motorcycle game by himself.

I just try to be very gentle and not bombard him with questions. It seems to be going well for us.

 

[Babybump87]

Like you my parents were the same more so my mum . So we encourage DD1 to talk about her feelings and reassure her . I was doing exactly the same first 2 weeks DD started school felt like I was asking her a million questions (she wasn't settling so well anyway). She seen became annoyed and didn't want to talk .

Now I just ask her if she had a good day and if she ate her lug . Usually now she will just talk about school without prompting on the way home. Sometimes saying nothing is the best thing I've found .

 

[scatteredmusi]

I think you’re right not to push too hard and bless your heart for being such a supportive mom. One thing we did in our family at dinner time was to ask each of us what was the worst thing that happened, what was the best thing that happened today. That made our DS actually think about the day’s events and almost always started a conversation. Good luck!

 

[george83]

I always ask my son who he sat by for his lunch and then who he played with at playtime. Like pp I can ask him questions that I know he knows but he usually just replies by saying I don’t know. I try to wait for him to say something and then turn that into more of a discussion but it’s hard sometimes

 

[twobecome3]

mine is so wired and overdone after school, I ask her a token 'how was school' which she always replies 'good', I might ask if she learned anything cool or did an interesting thing happen, then I leave it alone. I lay with her in bed every night after books so if anythings gone down, she will bring it up during that time shes about to fall asleep, its when we have our best conversations. I also ask what was your best part of today, might start adding the worst part to that as well

 

[Natsku]

I usually ask Maria questions like "What tehtävä(task or exercise, not really sure how to translate it but the learning bit anyway) did you do today?" "Who did you play with?" (answer is always Pietari her best friend!) and "What did you have for lunch?" (in case I had planned on making something similar for tea so I can change my plans)

I've started to ask what was the best part and what was the worst part of the day since I found out she's been getting teased/bullied a little so I can keep an eye on it.

 

[blake12336]

I always ask who he sat by at lunch, what does he know now that he didn't know this morning, did everybody help to tidy up etc. These usually encourage him to expand a bit and I get more of a response than if I ask how his day was.

 

[Bevziibubble]

if I ask Holly how her day was or what she did I usually get very little response! I have found a better way is to ask her what her favourite part of school today was and what her worst bit was. She seems to be more open to answering these type of questions and it gives me a bit more insight in the things she is enjoying and anything negative that's happened.

 

[SarahBear]

It helps for it to be in a quiet, non-distracting, and relaxing setting. Violet always opens up the best when I'm cuddling her in bed. My questions aren't too strategic or calculated. I ask basic questions like how her day went, who she played with, and things like that. Talking about her day is just thought of as part of her routine and she has come to expect it. There have been nights where we haven't had much time because she was wired and didn't relax until late. On those nights, she gets upset that she isn't able to talk about her day. I think the key is to be both non-pressuring and to be able to give 100% attention and acceptance. I think another important thing to do is to discipline with empathy to help them feel like you're someone they can come to.

 

[luci and bump]

if I ask Holly how her day was or what she did I usually get very little response! I have found a better way is to ask her what her favourite part of school today was and what her worst bit was. She seems to be more open to answering these type of questions and it gives me a bit more insight in the things she is enjoying and anything negative that's happened.

I agree, when I ask evie what she's done in school, I get "I don't know" but if I ask her what her favourite things were, she chats for ages! I ask her what she had for lunch, how much of it she ate, and who she sat with. I usually ask who she played with too

 

[kirstybumx3]

Every day when Rio comes out I ask him if he’s had a good day. He always says yes and that’s it. I then ask what he had for lunch. Sometimes he will tell me sometimes he says he doesn’t know. I leave it there.

When we get home I might ask if he played with the sand for example today, if he says no I ask what he played with instead. Then I’ll ask if he did any writing etc. If he responds with ‘I don’t know’ which he usually does I don’t pester him. He’s very secretive about what happens in school it makes me sad!

 

[WackyMumof2]

'Did you get in trouble?' and 'Did you steer clear of Cyrus?' The ADHD tends to get him into trouble and the kid in question is just a pain in my ass and a tattle tale - didn't like him at Kindy and 5 years on, I still don't like the little shit.

But seriously, engage with him about what he's learning etc. Make sure he's happy in his class and with his little classmates. As long as you have those things down pat school should be easy and enjoyable for him. And just remember, the teacher is ALWAYS there if you have any concerns.

 

[Zephram]

Thanks everyone. There are some really good suggestions here. The last few days I’ve been trying the best and worst part of your day questions with my son and he’s quite keen on answering the worst question. Not sure if this is a good thing or not as I don’t want him to focus on the negative, but it is nice to have him talking. I’ve also found asking questions like, “Who did you have your lunch with?” or “Who did you play with today?”, seem to get him talking better than saying something like, “How was school today?”. On the whole he seems to be enjoying school, so that’s good.

 

[twobecome3]

^ yah id always been just asking the best things for the same reason, to focus on the good things. but it makes sense to ask the worst thing so it opens the door of communicating the shitty things that will happen at school, so we can talk about them and move on and she doesn't keep it to herself

 

[c1403]

If I ask my DD right after pick up I don't get much answer, I do ask about lunch and what letter did she learn. We talk about our day at bedtime, how did today go, what did you do, she asks me what so did etc and what we are doing tommorrow.

 

[wildflower79]

I struggle to get my DD to tell me anything about her school day. The usual response is she doesn't know or she's forgotten! 😂