What Should I Do?

[flamingpanda]

My eldest brother has just told me his wedding plans. It's 2 years away and abroad. The room will be £1500 and flights £350 each. I was very honest and told him we really don't earn enough to be able to afford such an event. He said he'd asked Mum & Dad to help us out which honestly I found a bit annoying. First of all, I wouldn't take that money because Mum and Dad don't earn much beyond what we do and my brother is absolutely loaded (his salary is 2x what we earn combined). I think he has a cheek telling them to help us out.

So I told him realistically we won't be going.

But I feel dreadful. Like I don't want to miss my brothers big day. The problem is we don't have much spare each month as it is, whilst if we scrimped we probably could afford it but we would have to make a lot of sacrifices. With an 8 month old I feel that's really unfair to my little family.

We had lots of plans over the next few years, like clearing our debts and hopefully saving towards a deposit for our own home. I know that "no" is the sensible answer but I just feel terribly stressed about it all.

Has anyone ever missed a close family wedding because of cost? Should I just bite the bullet and put our lives on hold again until this wedding is over and done? What would you do?

 

[Pearls18]

Having just done a quick calculation you would need to set aside £100 a month-ish to save up for it within 2 years, if this isn't do-able which understandably it wouldn't be for everybody you could just say you don't have this much money spare every month on top of needing to save for your own holidays/debts etc. At least if you can show him you have tried to financially work it out you can show you haven't just written off. Perhaps look into maybe just you going, cheaper rooms etc, I'm not saying you should go on your own but if you can just demonstrate you have looked at all the options he should be more understanding

What I would personally begrudge is while we could technically save that up there are other things we would want to save for like family holidays, house deposit etc and think it's a bit unfair to expect someone to pay that much for a wedding. If he is so adament who he wants there he either needs to stump up more money to help people get there, or he has got to accept not everyone will be able/happy to take on those costs.

 

[Creative]

When people decide to marry abroad they take a risk that the people they want to be there simply couldn't afford to be and therefore won't be able to celebrate with them on the day.
I don't think that any one should assume that "you should pay" or that "someone else should"
I hope that modern technology will mean that you can share the event from here and that they throw a celebration party when they return.
What ever happens, there is no way that you should feel bad about not being able to afford to go. And please don;t get in to debt to go!

 

[C_baby]

I think you've told him the right thing. You can't afford it. Has he actually booked the wedding or is it still ideas? Because they may change their minds when they realise that important people simply can't come. Maybe when he's had more time to think about it you brother might offer paying some of the cost towards attending if he really wants you there.

I know it's really tough but if it was my brother I wouldn't go, you have your OH and child to consider and its a LOT of money. I would be pretty upset with my brother that he was pricing me out of attending to be honest.

 

[flamingpanda]

Thanks for the repies! I think that's it. If we were all set up and just living month to month that would be fine. However we'd discussed wanting to try for a second child when our little one is 2. So before then we want to pay off all our debts and try our best to get some sort of deposit together for our own home. Not to mention we have just booked a trip away for my 30th (a UK holiday and our first in 4 years - we're so excited), which we are already scrimping and saving for. Going to this wedding we would have to make huge sacrifices for our family and it seems such an unfair position to be in. Of course I want to be there, he's my brother. But at what cost to us. I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

He has suggested we could go for 3 days instead of 5 but from what he was saying it's not a huge difference price wise.

£100 doesn't sound like much but having just come off maternity leave I know how things can look good on paper but fail when the tires go on your car, or there are 3 family birthdays that month, or it's Christmas!

Ugh I need to stop beating myself up over this but I just feel so stressed out about it all.

 

[flamingpanda]

I know it's really tough but if it was my brother I wouldn't go, you have your OH and child to consider and its a LOT of money. I would be pretty upset with my brother that he was pricing me out of attending to be honest.

I think that might be why I feel stressed. My other brother is well off and will attend with his family, my parents will go because they feel they have to (although they have also complained to me about the cost) and her family have said they will go. So we will literally be the only immediate family missing. That hurts.

 

[flamingpanda]

Does anyone know - are flights similar prices for toddlers as they are for adults?

 

[C_baby]

I think that might be why I feel stressed. My other brother is well off and will attend with his family, my parents will go because they feel they have to (although they have also complained to me about the cost) and her family have said they will go. So we will literally be the only immediate family missing. That hurts.

 

[Pirate]

If I were in your shoes I would feel hurt that I was priced out of the wedding too, but on the flip side of the coin, your brother and his fiancée deserve the wedding of their dreams. Just be honest with him. If you can't afford it, it's not the end of the world. Also, personally, I wouldn't sacrifice my medium term financial goals to attend the wedding. Would it be possible to save a little money by just you going? Not ideal, but you could save a lot of money, particularly if you could find someone to share the room cost with. Just sit your brother down and explain to him that you want to be there for him but there isn't enough wiggle room in your budget to make that a realistic possibility.

 

[Nela]

Sounds like he backed you up into a corner though. I don't see how he can realistically expect you to spend so much when it's money you don't have to spend. If he wants you there that badly, he'll see to it that you are there. I wouldn't pay for my parents to come to my wedding here, but that's only because they spend all their money elsewhere on stupidities and never bother when it comes to their own kids. However, I intend to fly in my bestest friend because she would do anything in the world not to miss it, and yet, she really cannot afford it. It's nice to want to do something special for a wedding, but I really do not understand why it's become such a big thing to wed abroad (unless she has family there?) and expect everyone to pay their way. I know you want to be part of that special moment, but I mean, why should it cost you so much and put you in such a tight position just to get there? Bah to him!

 

[flamingpanda]

There's no one to share with as so few people are going. I would actually feel worse spending so much money to go and my partner and little girl not going anywhere at all. I would be spending a huge chunk of our money on something entirely selfish and that just feels wrong to me. So I'm very much feeling it's all of us or non of us.

I should also add that this is my brother's second wedding. We weren't invited to the first as his mother in law was dying of cancer at at the time. So as to not have her miss out, they basically didn't invite anyone. So I really felt due to this he would desperately want everyone there this time. It hurts a lot that actually the location is valued above and beyond his family being in attendance. It's just so not me, I can't imagine my immediate family not being there, that I find it hard to understand.

 

[flamingpanda]

Sounds like he backed you up into a corner though. I don't see how he can realistically expect you to spend so much when it's money you don't have to spend. If he wants you there that badly, he'll see to it that you are there. I wouldn't pay for my parents to come to my wedding here, but that's only because they spend all their money elsewhere on stupidities and never bother when it comes to their own kids. However, I intend to fly in my bestest friend because she would do anything in the world not to miss it, and yet, she really cannot afford it. It's nice to want to do something special for a wedding, but I really do not understand why it's become such a big thing to wed abroad (unless she has family there?) and expect everyone to pay their way. I know you want to be part of that special moment, but I mean, why should it cost you so much and put you in such a tight position just to get there? Bah to him!

No, all of her family are local, they just desperately want to go abroad. When I asked if her brother could afford it he just said "they said it's more than they'd normally spend but they wouldn't miss it". Not sure how I'm meant to compete with that.

 

[cherrylips100]

Why is the room so expensive? If you really want to go, maybe look into cheaper accommodation.

 

[emyandpotato]

The room costs £1500?! What the actual hell?! Is there nowhere cheaper to stay? I think your brother is being out of order or just plain stupid making such arrangements when his own family are going to struggle to attend. A wedding abroad is one thing but making guests go to such extremes is quite another.

 

[Ceejay123]

When people decide to marry abroad they take a risk that the people they want to be there simply couldn't afford to be and therefore won't be able to celebrate with them on the day.
I don't think that any one should assume that "you should pay" or that "someone else should"
I hope that modern technology will mean that you can share the event from here and that they throw a celebration party when they return.
What ever happens, there is no way that you should feel bad about not being able to afford to go. And please don;t get in to debt to go!

Definitely this.

My friend has asked me to go to her wedding in Florida in 2015, it'll cost £2500 for the hotel and flights, then spending on top as the hotels booked for a week. I'm tempted to save up, and scare the life out of her by turning up but at the same time, I'm sure she expects most people won't be going x

 

[flamingpanda]

Thanks for the replies. It's a very fancy hotel, and it's all inclusive. Which I suppose is good.

What I've decided is this (I've calmed down a bit after speaking to mum)...

I will use my ISA to put a little money away, if it's available. We will not scrimp and we will stay pay off what we had planned off the credit cards. But we will save and see how far it gets us. If it looks like it's not going to happen then we will take the money and do something fun with it for our little one. I don't think I can do much more than that.

 

[Mummy May]

Thats a good idea, I wouldn't sacrifice either - he probably knew the cost would be difficult to you when he booked it xx

 

[suzib76]

Is it possible to source your own accommodation? You wouldn't have to stay in the same hotel, yes it wuld be ideal, but at that cost I wouldn't even consider it.

 

[binxyboo]

I love it when people tell me where I have to go on holiday!!
I hate hot countries and really don't like flying, so on that basis alone, I would be saying no.
If you book a foreign wedding, there will always be people that can't/won't go.

I like your idea of saving but not sacrificing. At least that way you are proving that you are doing your best, but not putting your debts in jeopardy.

 

[Eleanor ace]

Your plan sounds good. I'd be upset too in your position.