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- Mar 24, 2012
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Hi there,
Basically I'm really struggling with what's best here. I'll try and make the story brief;
My ex and I split 18 months ago when my son was just 8 weeks old and daughter 18 months old. I tried to make things work parenting wise and found he was just coming round for a couple of hours each week and I couldn't cope as I had no family support nearby. I moved back to my hometown with my parents which is only half an hour drive away or short train journey from the ex so it wasn't too far for him to still come and see the kids. At first I started driving them to see him every week using my time and petrol, he started messing me about with times then cancelling coz he was "sick" and never once had any petrol money for me. He also was refusing to pay child support. But I didn't want money to be a reason for my kids not to see their dad, after a while though I decided that my kids deserved better and a dad who could make an effort. So I told him we'd alternate, one week I'd drive them to him next week he could come by train and have them at my house whilst I went out. He kept cancelling his visits here but still wanted me to drive them to him the other weeks. So eventually I told him if he wanted to see his kids he should start making the effort to come and see them. He came 3 times and then all the excuses started, that was a year ago.
His mum and dad asked if they could bring him at Christmas so I said yes but on the proviso it becomes a regular thing as I didn't want him just popping in and out of their lives on special occasions just to give them presents and make himself feel better. I also told him no presents as a) they are too young to even understand who brought them what present and b) if he can't afford child support then he can't afford presents.
So after visiting them at Christmas he once again went back to ignoring our existence. Not even asking how they were. He's now text 2 weeks before dd's birthday saying his phone had been blocked (could have used his gf's phone or Facebook messenger surely?!) so that's why we hadn't heard from him and he wants to come and see the kids ON dd's birthday. Not near her birthday, ON her actual birthday. And of course he wants to bring her a present.
My son is currently afraid of strangers, particularly males, so I'm not keen on him coming. I don't want to stop him seeing his kids but I also don't want him thinking that he can just be a father to them when it suits him. They are young now and so don't understand much. But as they get older it's going to hurt them that their father only bothers seeing them on special occasions. What should I do? I want to tell him no because I'd said at Christmas he should be seeing them regularly or not at all, I don't know what's best for the kids.
Everyone else keeps telling me to tell him to get lost, that he can't just turn up when he feels like i genuinely don't know if that's the right thing. Is it more harmful for him to not see them at all or to be in and out of their lives at his own whim?
Basically I'm really struggling with what's best here. I'll try and make the story brief;
My ex and I split 18 months ago when my son was just 8 weeks old and daughter 18 months old. I tried to make things work parenting wise and found he was just coming round for a couple of hours each week and I couldn't cope as I had no family support nearby. I moved back to my hometown with my parents which is only half an hour drive away or short train journey from the ex so it wasn't too far for him to still come and see the kids. At first I started driving them to see him every week using my time and petrol, he started messing me about with times then cancelling coz he was "sick" and never once had any petrol money for me. He also was refusing to pay child support. But I didn't want money to be a reason for my kids not to see their dad, after a while though I decided that my kids deserved better and a dad who could make an effort. So I told him we'd alternate, one week I'd drive them to him next week he could come by train and have them at my house whilst I went out. He kept cancelling his visits here but still wanted me to drive them to him the other weeks. So eventually I told him if he wanted to see his kids he should start making the effort to come and see them. He came 3 times and then all the excuses started, that was a year ago.
His mum and dad asked if they could bring him at Christmas so I said yes but on the proviso it becomes a regular thing as I didn't want him just popping in and out of their lives on special occasions just to give them presents and make himself feel better. I also told him no presents as a) they are too young to even understand who brought them what present and b) if he can't afford child support then he can't afford presents.
So after visiting them at Christmas he once again went back to ignoring our existence. Not even asking how they were. He's now text 2 weeks before dd's birthday saying his phone had been blocked (could have used his gf's phone or Facebook messenger surely?!) so that's why we hadn't heard from him and he wants to come and see the kids ON dd's birthday. Not near her birthday, ON her actual birthday. And of course he wants to bring her a present.
My son is currently afraid of strangers, particularly males, so I'm not keen on him coming. I don't want to stop him seeing his kids but I also don't want him thinking that he can just be a father to them when it suits him. They are young now and so don't understand much. But as they get older it's going to hurt them that their father only bothers seeing them on special occasions. What should I do? I want to tell him no because I'd said at Christmas he should be seeing them regularly or not at all, I don't know what's best for the kids.
Everyone else keeps telling me to tell him to get lost, that he can't just turn up when he feels like i genuinely don't know if that's the right thing. Is it more harmful for him to not see them at all or to be in and out of their lives at his own whim?
