What would you do?

[Kellysmom]

Ladies... I really need some advice!

We've been trying for #2 for 19 months. We have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, and despite the fact that I ovulate normally on my own, I started Clomid 50 mg this cycle. I really thought this would be our lucky month... but I'm feeling 100% discouraged at the constant let down and really don't know if I can continue. We have not had one single BFP since we started.

We've learned that my hubby will be going abroad in 9-10 months, and will be gone for one year. I desperately want him to bond with this new child, as he was gone with our daughter for nearly all of the first two years of her life. However, after everything we've been through it's time to get a referral for an RE. Stopping for that amount of time will pretty much put us right back to square one. Not to mention adding that extra year to our aging bodies. Beyond that, my hubby will take this as a sign that we are too old to try again and will most likely put a stop to it completely (he can be rather pessimistic when things don't go his way)... despite the fact that he desperately wants another child.

What would you do in this situation? I already plan to talk to him about it (he's in the field for the next week), so please don't suggest that. I'm hoping one of you ladies will direct me toward a path that I haven't already thought about. I'm worried I'm not being objective enough.... so maybe someone can provide some third party insight. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this lengthy post....

 

[vkj73]

i'm going on my first, gut reaction to your post, keeping in mind of course that i don't know you. so again, this is just my first thought.

it seems like if you both really, really want a second, and are worried that when he returns you will be back at square one, or that he'll just want to give up, that you should go for it.

i guess you have to weigh:
would you rather have your dh miss the first year of bonding, or take the chance that you'll have to start over when he returns?

another way to look at it:
will it be worse for you when he's gone knowing that you didn't try, or not having him there to bond?

i wish you all the best. i know what it's like to want a sign, to choose the right path, etc. talking it through with close friends and family will help.

btw, what's a "referral for an re"?

 

[ladybaby]

I've read a few forums on different sites of women not getting pregnant with clomid but trying a natural vitamin called vitex, also raspberry leaf tea is good. There's no harm in giving it a go if you really want another child

 

[Kellysmom]

i'm going on my first, gut reaction to your post, keeping in mind of course that i don't know you. so again, this is just my first thought.

it seems like if you both really, really want a second, and are worried that when he returns you will be back at square one, or that he'll just want to give up, that you should go for it.

i guess you have to weigh:
would you rather have your dh miss the first year of bonding, or take the chance that you'll have to start over when he returns?

another way to look at it:
will it be worse for you when he's gone knowing that you didn't try, or not having him there to bond?

i wish you all the best. i know what it's like to want a sign, to choose the right path, etc. talking it through with close friends and family will help.

btw, what's a "referral for an re"?

Thanks.... that is exactly the type of insight I was hoping for. I really think that being unable to bond with his daughter actually hurt the relationship they have now. I'm not saying he's a bad father by any means, but he's still in that "all about me" mode and I think not being there for her first few months really makes it hard for him to understand what she needs. He couldn't be there for her, he didn't wake with her, bottle feed her, change her diapers, suffer with her through her illnesses... so he just doesn't know.

But you're right... if we have to start over when he returns he will be over 40 and I will be 37. Add to that another year of trying and endless fertility appointments.... I could be over 40 before we succeed again. You're absolutely right.... and I'm so happy you allowed me to see it this way! If we wait until he returns, it will be too late for both of us. Thank you so much!!

Also, I was referring to getting a referral for a reproductive endocrinologist, which is our next step because the OB/GYN can only do so much.

 

[Kellysmom]

I've read a few forums on different sites of women not getting pregnant with clomid but trying a natural vitamin called vitex, also raspberry leaf tea is good. There's no harm in giving it a go if you really want another child

The thing is, my cycle is totally normal. It hasn't changed by more than a week in 20 years! I have ovulated on my own since my very first period, and so far every herbal remedy I take (except green tea extract) ovulation gets delayed by several days. Even b-6 screwed me up! If we decide to keep trying, I think I might try maca since it works with the pituitary to strengthen hormone production. Thanks for the info!

 

[CaliDreaming]

If it were me, I would continue with TTC even if it means dh misses out on your baby's first year. You both really want a second child and since you'd be working with an RE, there's a very good chance you would get that BFP. Two years is a long time to wait to try and a lot can happen in that time. I know it's normal to want everything to be completely perfect, but sometimes if you keep waiting for things to be absolutely perfect you miss your opportunity. When you get to be 35 you also have to take your age into account and things can be riskier. It's one thing if you don't have a choice but to wait, but if things happen to where you're not able to have #2, then I think you'd probably regret waiting.

FWIW, my dad was deployed in Korea when I was born and didn't return until I was two. I wasn't as bonded with him at first, but as I grew older we became very, very close--even closer than I was with my mom. I don't even remember that first two years he was away.

 

[Kellysmom]

If it were me, I would continue with TTC even if it means dh misses out on your baby's first year. You both really want a second child and since you'd be working with an RE, there's a very good chance you would get that BFP. Two years is a long time to wait to try and a lot can happen in that time. I know it's normal to want everything to be completely perfect, but sometimes if you keep waiting for things to be absolutely perfect you miss your opportunity. When you get to be 35 you also have to take your age into account and things can be riskier. It's one thing if you don't have a choice but to wait, but if things happen to where you're not able to have #2, then I think you'd probably regret waiting.

FWIW, my dad was deployed in Korea when I was born and didn't return until I was two. I wasn't as bonded with him at first, but as I grew older we became very, very close--even closer than I was with my mom. I don't even remember that first two years he was away.

Thank you so much Cali.... I really needed to hear this! After everyone's amazing insight, and talking to other close friends, I agree that waiting may carry too many risks. It is far better to have a healthy child than one who may have to wait a year to bond with his father!

Thanks so much.... you are amazing!!