What would you do?

[aidensxmomma]

I'm having a major name crisis at the moment. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

My OH and I have had a horrible time finding baby names, especially boy names. He will agree to absolutely nothing. Over the year we were TTC I have sent him literally hundreds of names, most of which were vetoed for one reason or another. Before I found out I was pregnant, we had agreed on Philip, however, I told OH that it wasn't set in stone because I absolutely hate the nickname Phil and I think it's quite risky to name the baby something where the most common nickname is one I can't stand. So we've still been looking for boy names.

A week or so after I found out I was pregnant, one of my good friends told me she was pregnant as well. She's due around the same time I am. We had discussed baby names and everything and always had an unwritten rule about stealing each other's names. To be honest, shortly after she told me her name choices, I completely forgot what they were. And I had never told my OH what her choices were.

So OH and I were discussing names yesterday and he was going through list after list, not finding anything that he liked. Finally, he turns to me and asks what I thought of Everett. It was a complete ah-ha moment - I instantly fell in love with it and felt it would be absolutely perfect. OH brought it up because it was his grandfather's middle name, so there's a strong family connection there.

I was talking to my pregnant friend about the name and then she said that Everett was the name her and her husband have had picked out for 3 years if they have a boy.

So now I feel like sh*t because I fell in love with a name that my friend has had picked out forever. Quite frankly, I wouldn't even think twice about us both having sons named Everett. If I were to end up using the name, I would not be upset in the slightest if she ended up using the name as well. Unfortunately, she doesn't feel the same way about it. My OH talked to her about it because he really wants to use the name and she told him that she would be really upset with us if we used the name.

I've been crying on and off all day about this because I feel terrible that I didn't remember she had already "claimed" the name and now I want to use it. And on top of that, I seriously doubt OH are going to find a perfect name for a boy if we don't use it. Trying to find any names he likes is a serious struggle, so I'm not even sure we'll find an "okay" name.

And of course, I could be worrying about all of this for nothing since neither of us will know our babies genders until March or April. I'm just so devastated over this situation and I don't know what to do.

So what would you do?

 

[Witchrose]

Honestly, I think it's ridiculous that people think they can own a name. I would try sitting down and speaking to your friend about it yourself, and in person. Adult to adult.

While I imagine I might get slightly annoyed if someone close to me chose the same name as my son, i would never think for a moment that they didn't have the right to do so. And you know, if both of you ended up with sons named Everett, there could be a really sweet and funny story there that you share throughout the years.


I hope you are able to work things out with her. This is not something that should hurt a true friendship. Good luck!

 

[Take2]

I think it's best not to discuss name choice with anyone except your OH obviously. If one of my friends has their baby first and chooses the name we have chosen that's my bad luck and I would find something else but I would know they didn't do it on purpose and it was just chance they had picked that name! If I named my baby first then they used the same name I would be really annoyed that they hadn't chosen something else and I feel if it were a close friend it would make me view the friendship differently. I know you can't claim a name for yourself but a good friend should respect that you want your child to be unique at least in your own small circle! So I guess I'm wondering is she due first or are you?

 

[Amygdala]

So you're both finding out the gender? I'd wait until then at least and definitely keep looking for boy names in the meantime. If you have a girl, you won't have anything to worry about. If she has a girl, would she have any more in the future or would that mean that Everet is fair game?
I definitely wouldn't start a fight about it now, as it may turn out to not be an issue.
If you both have boys, I personally would back away from the name. It may not feel like it but there are other nice names and I don't think it's worth risking a friendship over. Some people wouldn't care about you using "their" name but she does and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings.

 

[AngelofTroy]

I personally would back off. She told you the name even if you forgot, and you had a rule about not using each other's names, right? You've talked to her, and OH has talked to her and she's made it clear that it would make her unhappy if you used it. So in this circumstance I think she's made the answer clear.

There are millions of boy names out there, if you even have a boy.

Here are some suggestions that spring to mind with Philip and Everett:

Emerson
Evan
Dominic
Cillian
Warren
Lawrence
Marcus
Peter
Benedict
Nicholas

 

[LoveCakes]

I agree if you're finding out the gender there's only a one in four chance you'll both have boys so it's not worth loosing a friendship over.

You say you wouldn't mind her using it too but you may have felt differently if you had said first.

Personally having two with the same name when you're so close will end up confusing when you're together.

Maybe leave it for now, it's amazing how you find names as you go on and the baby may look like a completely different name.

 

[Starlight32]

I wouldn't bring it up again until you know gender as it could be a non issue. Or she can just find out what you guys decide on when baby is born. You don't want to ask her permission, as that makes it seem like you think she needs to approve of you using the name. She doesn't.

No one owns a name, and I don't think you should feel guilty for wanting for name your baby Everett, if that's the name you and your husband both agree on. Naming a child is not just your decision; it's also your husband's decision. If your husband wants to name baby boy Everett and you like the name, why should you deny your husband the name just because your friend said she thought of it first? It just seems silly to me. I could possibly understand of an issue if you were family or had the same last name, but there will be a bunch of other Everetts out there with different last names, families, etc.

 

[wannabemomy37]

I'd also put it on hold until you both find out genders. You're still so early...you have plenty of time to continue name searching, and who knows, maybe something better will pop up!

I also, however, wouldn't hesitate to use Everett if I knew it was a boy, regardless of your friends opinion at all...

I've finally found my perfect name and no others compare. If a friend said they wanted the same name it wouldn't bother me as I feel my son's name is definitely chosen already.

I grew up with another girl with my name and thought it was awesome really

 

[Boo44]

If she finds out she's having a girl please use Everett for your boy. What on earth is the point in her bagging a name that she may never get to use. It's such a waste. I really can't stand it when people think they have rights to a name. If she told you it and you agreed to not use it then that's different, but to claim rights to it if she doesn't have a boy is something else. I hope you get to use the name you love and everyone is happy

We've chosen our boys name (well about 80%) I have a cousin due 8 weeks before me. If she has a boy and used it I'll find something else. I definitely won't tell her it beforehand though I don't want to put ideas in her mind!

 

[pippi_89]

I wouldn't use it personally but that's me. I get the whole 'she can't own the name' argument but if she discussed the name with you in confidence I would feel it's really not fair to break her trust. It's not her fault you forgot the conversation. Of course, the choice of your child's name is for life. It could be one of the most important decisions you will ever make. It's between you and your OH and ultimately your opinions are all that matter, it just depends on if that one particular name really means more to you than your friend's feelings on the subject.




EDIT: that sounded judgemental. I actually think it's completely fine if the name does mean more. If you're really in love with it you have to use it or risk regretting not using it. Nothing's worth that.

 

[staralfur]

That's a tough one. If we have another kid and it ends up being a boy then we will have had his name picked out for several years as well and we told our close friends what it was when we were pregnant with my LO. I would admittedly be kind of irritated if I were to get pregnant and be excited to finally use the name (potentially) and then have a friend that I had told pick the same name. I know that no one can own a name but if you have a strong preference for one, tell a friend, and then they decide to use it, too... I dunno, it just seems a bit disheartening.

That said, if I did find myself in that situation I would for sure get over it eventually, I wouldn't let it ruin my friendship with someone. So if it's worth a bit of tension for a while, then that's your call.

But I agree, don't stress about it until you know the sex of your babies. If she's having a girl and you're having a boy then use the name guilt-free as she may never have a boy to use it on.

 

[aidensxmomma]

Thank you for all of the advice, ladies. I really appreciate you taking the time to weigh-in on this dilemma.

I talked to her about it today. She had text me and asked what we had decided about the name. I told her we hadn't decided anything and that at this point, I didn't want to worry and stress about it. She explained why she was upset and I explained my position on the issue as well. I told her that I would try my best to find another name, but at this point in time, I couldn't 100% promise that I wouldn't use it if I had a boy because it's not just up to me and OH is very set on using it. I also told her that right now I didn't want to argue and fight about it because it might not matter anyway. I didn't want this issue hanging over our friendship long before it would ever even need to (if it even needs to at all). She decided to end of friendship. So I guess now it's a non-issue.

 

[Take2]

She made it pretty clear how important it was to her, I kinda feel like you should have been the bigger person here, I think she has slightly over reacted this early in the situation but I also feel she is probably upset on principle and I think rightly so. There are billions of different names that are all beautiful and wonderful and you really couldn't try and come up with something else? I hope this name is worth the loss of a good friend..seems crazy to me! You will feel pretty silly if you never end up having a son!

 

[staralfur]

She made it pretty clear how important it was to her, I kinda feel like you should have been the bigger person here, I think she has slightly over reacted this early in the situation but I also feel she is probably upset on principle and I think rightly so. There are billions of different names that are all beautiful and wonderful and you really couldn't try and come up with something else? I hope this name is worth the loss of a good friend..seems crazy to me! You will feel pretty silly if you never end up having a son!

Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about the friend. She ended the friendship before she even knew if it was going to be an issue! How incredibly ridiculous. The friend should feel silly, not the OP.

Op, I'm sorry to hear that she ended the friendship. That is truly over the top to me. I can definitely understand being upset, as I already stated, but not being friends with someone over naming a child is absurd imo.

I think it's also a VERY fair point that your OH gets to weigh in on this as well and he presumably knew nothing at any point about the name they had picked out, so why does he have to lose out on the name he loves because of it?

 

[Take2]

I do agree that it was rash and extreme to end the friendship but the friend has had her heart set on that name for years the OP has only just fallen in love with the name! If the friend did truly disclose this name as their chosen name right from the start she may be doubting the OP forgetting this and may feel she has just stolen her chosen name. I think the whole thing is a bit nuts, don't get me wrong, I love so many names I'm sure I could find another name to fall in love with no matter which side of the situation I was on, but I do like to be unique and would be irritated if I felt a friend had swooped in at the 11th hour and taken that from me!

 

[Starlight32]

She sounds like a drama queen. She's probably out of your life for the better (sorry if that sounds harsh; I personally stay away from people who are that dramatic though). Like I mentioned before, your husband also gets a say in the name, and your husbands happiness has to come before a friends desire for you not to use a name. Glad it's a non issue now that her drama is out the door! (It's not even like the name is unique. I think it's pretty common!)

 

[Dime Cuando]

I was in this situation - except I was 'your friend'. I'd confided my chosen boy's name to a good friend who was a month further along than me and as soon as she found the gender, she announced the name to the world....so there was no going back nor was I going to use it since she 'got in there first'.

I was actually really upset but I never confronted her about it because I realise how petty it can sound but in my opinion, she abused our friendship because I'd told her in confidence. What we need to bear in mind here is that everyone is pregnant and hormonal too and things that may seem 'minor' ordinarily are suddenly a huge crisis!

However, I found out a month later I was expecting a girl so there was no issue; and thankfully I hadn't made a big deal out it either. But honestly - I see her around now but I wouldn't count her as a friend anymore as I feel, even now, that she betrayed my trust.

 

[pippi_89]

I think completely ending the friendship is extreme and perhaps after some cooling off time she may realise that it was a bit of an overreaction, but I do see where she's coming from, she's obviously really upset.
It's not only about the name. I'm guessing she feels like you betrayed her trust. She told you something important to her (even if she didn't make it clear just how important) and you either forgot it or didn't forget, then lied about it. (not saying you did, just from her POV)
As far as the name goes, look at it for her perspective. She has obviously really loved the name for a long time, and she's already discussed it with her OH. She's probably spent three years fantasising about her son Everett. She probably had a nn for him, planned painting his name in his nursery or whatever. It's become personal to her, and as far as she can see it's just another name in a long list for you. It's really special to her. Even if it turns out she's having a girl and it's not an issue, you still spoiled her fantasy. As someone else already said, we all know with all the hormones flying around these things become a major crisis.
Like I said before, if it's THE name, there's nothing you can do about that but if you're just going with it because it's the only acceptable name OH will agree to right now, maybe it's worth rethinking.

 

[aidensxmomma]

I do understand why she is upset. I completely get where she's coming from and I know why she's upset. I don't think that she's in the wrong there. I also realize that we are both hormonal and everything is a huge deal right now.

That being said, I don't think it was unreasonable for me to ask her to drop the issue until we knew if it would even be an issue or not. It was really stressful and I just didn't want to deal with it right now. I figured that if it came down to it, then we could discuss it further, but in the meantime I would continue looking for names and trying to find another one OH would agree to (and I told her that). I just couldn't 100% promise her that I wouldn't use it because I'm not going to make a promise that I don't know for sure I can keep. If it were just up to me, I'd find something else and avoid this whole drama, but it's not just up to me. It's OH's child, too, and he gets a say. As an added note, he wasn't aware of what her name choices were before this happened.

 

[wish4baby]

Wow, she definitely sounds like a drama queen! How long were y'all friends? If she can so quickly drop you, before even knowing the genders or your final decision, she obviously didn't value the friendship much...(IMO)

Personally, I wouldn't of care at all if someone "claimed" a name, that's absurd! If my DH & I liked the name we would use it.
My BIL & SIL got pregnant 2 years ago, told us if hey had a boy, they were using my oldest sons name...I just rolled my eyes, and thought its a little silly - since they'd be cousins with the exact same name, but hey, what can I do about it, not worth any family drama...luckily for me they had a girl LOL (and don't want any more)

Shoot, Everett sounds like it could work for a boy or girl, maybe you should consider it either way