What would you want from your partner

[MightyMouse]

hi All

My wife was 8 weeks into our pregnancy but had spotting on a Saturday. We called the nurse on that day and she advised spotting can be normal, but if it gets heavy contact the E.R. at a hospital immediately.

There was no spotting on Sunday at all so we were not worried

Come Monday morning (8 weeks and 2 days into the pregnancy) there was spotting and flesh when she wiped herself.

I got her into a scan place a couple of hours later where they advised that they could see the sac but no baby inside. We are heartbroken. She will have a D&C in the next 2.5 hours, but my question to the ladies here is .... what would you want your partner to do? I know the generic responses like "be there for her, hug her, cry with here" ... I'm more after specifics. I've taken over cooking, taking care of our dog, cleaning where I can (but not to her standards unfortunately .. think of my wife like Monica from friends), laundry etc

Thanks in advance ....

 

[ReadynWaiting]

For me we lacked communication. I felt broken and so sad and we kind of just shut down. I think it would have been better if we cried together and talked about how we were feeling. She will need time to heal physically and emotionally. If she needs to stay in bed for days make it as easy as possible for her. Don't tell her how to be or feel just try your best to go with it. In saying that, you are also going through the loss and need to be gentle with yourself and mourn the loss with her.
Hugs to you both!

 

[MightyMouse]

Thank you very much for the advice, we're definitely communicating opening and grieving alot. It's just tough as I know that she's angry but she doesn't have anyone to get the anger out on so I'm bearing the brunt. But i've been patient all my life; I can handle these outbursts but 10 minutes later she'll be sad and crying and i'm there for her

 

[ReadynWaiting]

If you have someone you can talk to that may help and if not journaling as been good for me. As the person that is pregnant and miscarries you feel very alone and isolated. I'm not sure where you are but it may be wise to see if there is a Pregnancy and Infant Loss support network for support. The grief is real and sometimes overwhelming, it's important to take the time to experience all of the emotions that go with it. Being strong for your partner is important and good on you for looking how you can help her but take time for yourself too.

 

[lesondemavie]

Yes, communication was my first thought too. I was 8 weeks when we had our first scan. There was a beautiful little baby there, but he or she was too small and had no heartbeat. I took cytotec to induce the mc, and we met our little baby in the folds of the tissue paper three days after that. My husband was strong for me the first two weeks after, but then he needed time to process everything himself. As hard as it was for me to see that sadness in his eyes, it also helped me to know that I was not alone in my grief. He took care of me and I him, and we're even more in love now than ever before. Talking about my feelings was difficult, so I'd often just write and then let him read what I wrote. We're just now back to our first cycle trying again. I broke down crying today in the middle of dtd. I'm told this is pretty normal after a mc. He was perfect. We took a time out and he let me talk and ask him questions about how he was feeling. He seemed so eager to make another baby, and I was worried that he was just trying to replace the one we lost. Talking to him today, I realized that's not it at all. I know communication doesn't seem like a clear tangible thing to do, but it is the best thing to do. This is not something you can change or fix. It's something you will have to face head on together. There will be good days and bad days. Let her be alone if she needs it. Find distractions for her when she's ready. Let her feel what she needs to feel be it anger or sadness. Take care of yourself too. Be vulnerable and open. Answer her questions genuinely. Let her see that your heart is breaking right along with hers and that she is not alone. Let her be there for you when the time is right. Hope that at least makes some sense. Perhaps it's all a bit generic, but if you really think hard about it you'll see that it's more important than anything else. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. It's awful that any of us have to go through this.

 

[mrs unicorn]

So sorry for your loss. We were in a similar position a couple of weeks ago. Scan at 10 weeks showed an empty sac, I had an ERPC (D&C) a week later. I agree with the ladies here. Communication is key. I needed to talk and talk about the many things I was, and still am, feeling. I mainly spoke to my mum and the ladies on here. I have so many questions and worries, but speaking to people on this website has helped me so much. I don't know if your wife uses these websites or has people she can talk to, but you could suggest these maybe? My husband and I do speak too, but I felt it might be a bit much for him to take. I feel now that I'm emerging from the dark cloud but I'm not sure my husband is. He's very down but won't or can't open up to me. I think he's struggling to make sense of what he's feeling - so please try and open up to your wife. In terms of other things, cooking is good. Neither of us have felt like cooking and if my husband or mum hadn't gone out to get food I probably wouldn't have bothered eating. The 2 days after the ERPC we just hung out at home, watched some dvds and did nothing. I needed that time. It's very tempting to hide away though, but maybe in a week or so try and get out even if it's just for a walk together. Also, we told our families about the MMC and we had a lot of phone calls. I was happy to speak to everyone as I found it helped. My husband on the other hand does not want to speak to anyone. It maybe be the other way round for you, so offer to take on the phone calls if you feel you can do that. If not, maybe let people know you need a bit of space or something, and you'll be in touch soon. Also, remember you need to grieve too. It's so lovely that you came on here to ask what you can do to help your wife through this, but this is happening to you too. Sending you wishes for a quick recovery.

 

[momwithbabies]

I agree with the ladies above. My husband and I fight a lot, almost a year after our miscarriage. It goes back to when I think he doesn't care anymore or has forgotten that I still cry myself to sleep or cry in the shower.

This past Saturday, we had a break through. He held me and cried with me, being honest about how he was afraid he was going to lose me. He's also afraid he can't get me pregnant again (our loss took us 5 years to conceive). I feel like I can breathe again. I love him so much and need him. I'm sure your wife feels the same.

Way to go for doing the cooking, cleaning, etc. That's the last thing a woman wants to do after losing her baby. Also realize that she might not want people over to the house for a while. But it comes down to communication. And a lot of extra love and support.