What's it really like?

[Beany01]

Hi Ladies,
I need some advice please. My DH (36) and I (31) are TTC but I keep having 2nd thoughts. I've never been a maternal type and never really gave having children much thought, but we've been married a year now (together for 9) and just before we got married I came around to the idea of having a baby. So I came off the pill in January, I have a high prolactin so am taking bromocriptine to bring my levels down, the meds are working because I had my first AF last week since January so now it feels real that I actually could get preggo.
The problem is that I can't really get my head 100% around to having one, sometimes I'm really ready for it and other times I'm not at all. My husband is up for having one but he says that he doesn't have a huge urge, so if it didn't happen for whatever reason he wouldn't be totally gutted. However we have both decided to try and we would be totally into it if it did happen.
However, I think the comittment overwelms me, the selfish part of me wants to be able to go on holiday when we want, go where we like when we like, not have sleepless nights, not having screaming tantrums. We earn pretty good money, I've got my own business but even then I think about how much money a baby costs to bring up and it scares me that we might not have enough. I know I could probably wait a few years and see if the want gets any bigger but I kinda just feel if we're going to do it then I'd rather be a younger mum than an older one.
I'd really like some advice if possible from all you new mums and mums with toddlers and teenagers.
Please can you be as truthful as possible on what it's really like to have children?!?! I realise this is probably a difficult question but: If you could turn the clock back would you have made the same decision?
Thank you.

 

[SassyLou]

I've got three sons, 21, 12 and 10. We've also got a little baby, Archie, in heaven who I lost at 17 weeks gestation.

If I had my time again the only thing I would change is that I'd have more children when I was younger (I'm 39, DH is 47). My children are the joy in my life, they are so funny and loving. Even in my darkest moments they make me smile. I've recently come in and my youngest two are sat at the table with DH playing monopoly, its so funny listening to them all, bickering slightly (lol) and trying to barter to stop themselves going bankrupt.

Hope that helps, sorry I couldn't give a balanced arguement, lol.

xxx

 

[SassyLou]

Forgot to say had 1st son at 17, the next two when I was 27 and 29, much as I wouldn't change things I had much more patience when I was that bit older. My dad was 51 when my parents had me, he was so patient, and spent so much time with me, he was amazing. I don't see age as being a real issue when it comes to parenting.

I hope you make the decision that's right for you.

Lots of love xxx

 

[Beany01]

Thanks so much for your reply Sassylou, and sorry for your loss.
I posted the same thread in Babyclub and the toddler section too and everybody pretty much is saying the same, that it's the hardest but best thing in the world. I'm constantly thinking about the hard times of bringing up a child and I sure as hell can't see myself being a mother to a teenager, but I guess you just have to take one day at a time rather than think about the bad stuff that may or may not happen!
I think I'm going to try and chill out a little about it and stop freaking myself out! I completely understand that if it ever happens it will be a whole new life but I suppose the more I relax about the idea then maybe it'll be just a little bit easier than if I kept stressing!
Thanks again.
xx

 

[SassyLou]

You're welcome.

The reason you can't see yourself being the mother of a teenager is because you're not ready for that yet. You're ready for it when you get to it iykwim? I sometimes think thats why babies are so cute when they're born and are adorable when they're little, so when they're driving you insane when they're teenagers you'll remember how cute they were, lol.

It's a huge responsibility and that makes it frightening. But it truly is amazing and rewarding.

You're more than welcome to contact me whenever you're stressing.

xxx

 

[Amarna]

Having children is hard. My daughter can be very challenging at times but then there are times when for example she runs up to me and gives me a huge hug, kiss and tells me she loves me for no reason and moments like those cancel out the frustrating moments and make it all worth it. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep for over four years, even when she's spending the night at a grandparents for example I still wake up worrying because it's too quiet, lol. Taking it one day at a time is the best way to do it imo. You grow with your kids and learn new things with them and that's part of what makes it so rewarding.

 

[smelly07]

All i would say is if your not 100% sure then dont go ahead with it. x

 

[Stargazer77]

It's really bloody hard work. It's all consuming.

It's the most wonderful thing in the world but it will change your lives forever.

If your not 100% sure, don't do it yet.

Kudos to you for not rushing in

 

[hopeandpray]

I think that it's really great that you are looking into this properly. Parenting isn't for everyone and I think that people are afraid to admit that. To get a balanced view I would say try and find some people that never had kids and ask them how they feel about their lives now. Nobody can say that it will definitely make you happier, is it that you are not sure that you want to be a mother or that you are afraid you will be a bad one? Don't let fear hold you back. As for being a mother to a teenager nobody is ready for that But it's obviously a gradual learning journey so don't worry yet about that far ahead

 

[Beany01]

Hi Hopeandpray, thanks for your post. I think it's that I'm not sure if I want to be a mother, rather than be a bad one. But you're right in that it's a gradual learning curve and I think what's been my downfall is thinking too far ahead about all the issues that will arise rather than focusing on the present!

 

[Abblebubba]

hey!
I thought i would give you a teenage mums point of view on things!
I had my first little angel in 2008, my daughter Angel Anne- Mariee
who sadly i lost when she was still in my tummy!
I was only 16 at the time, and would i of changed it? yes very much so as
i dont think at that moment in time i was ready to be a mummy.
When i was 17 i fell pregnant with my rainbow baby Tyler-Jay who i TTC for
out of choice, in the time i lost my daughter to the time i had concieved my
son i had grown to realise- I needed nothing myself in life, i didnt want lots
of holidays, parties, nights out getting drunk like all my teenage friends were
but that I wanted to be a mummy i wanted to share as MUCH of my time
here on earth as i could with my children and thats why by the age of 19 i
am sharing my life with my very active 2 year old!

Parenting is NOT for everyone like my sister she is 22 and living her life with
her girlfriend and has no desire for children, she cannot fix herself down to
something she is a free spirit and enjoys her work too much i dont frown
upon her because she doesnt want children because not every woman does
all i can say as said previously is that if you are not 100% sure then your not
ready yet.

Being a mummy pushes you so far to the edge, it is so very stressful and can
change a person entirely i have my happy days where everything is wonderful
and i have my sad days where you feel you cant go on, i have my stressed
out days where i just want to scream at my toddler- because part of their
growing up is testing their limits and boundaries and it is and can be alot to
cope with.

People that preach to complete a family there must be a baby and a dog are
not on the right track at all because babies can break a family just as easy
now im not saying your OH will leave you or do this but my FOB told me he
wanted Tyler-Jay then when our baby started needing changing, feeding and
it started intefering with him going to work, and being tired and stressed he
headed straight for the hills and didnt come back, so sometimes you can feel
ready and then the reality hits you.

I felt very, very ready but when i got to the hospital and gave birth to my son
who will now need me FOREVER it scared me a bit and i had to take a step
back and consume what had just happened.

The life i had just made will grow with me forever, he will learn what i teach
him and i am the one to mould him into the person he is today, when they
smile at you and cuddle you, and draw you pictures and tell their friends
"thats my mummy" thats what makes everything all worth while.

I hope i have helped somewhat and i have tried to lay out the good points
and bad points of parenting to you.

Message me anytime if you need to know anything.

EDIT- PS-I'm not ready to be a mum to a teenager yet either and i am hoping
that will grow with me and my boy as i learn through the years.​

 

[seoj]

Such a personal decision... I would never tell anyone they HAVE to have kids... lol... as I honestly, was not 100% sure for a lot of years. I was single most of my 20's- so the idea of getting married and having children was not truly in my sights! Plus, after being single for SO long, I was a bit more "selfish" and wasn't sure I would be able to "give up" things I had gotten used to... BUT... with that said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. I have been a step-mom (full time) to my kid for 5yrs. She is amazing and challenges me in ways I never knew possible! lol. And yes, there are days... oh, there are days... she's almost 14 and gotten easier as the years have passed, but when she was 9-10, wow- there were a few rough moments. But I've never regretted it! And I was lucky enough to find the love of my life at age 32 and finally settle down into a new and exciting, if not somewhat discombobulating at times, life... hehe.

Even when we married I wasn't still totally set on the idea of trying for a child together... he had a vasectomy years earlier, and well, I was no spring chicken! lol. But one day, WHAM, like a ton of bricks it just hit me... I saw this little girl walking in the mall and literally, I felt like my heart would melt. So we looked into our options- and 2 reversals, fertility drugs (due to my FSH levels) and 2 IUI's later... I'm prego!!! And I couldn't be happier at age 37!!!!

Being a mom to my kid and a wife just opened up a door for me... something I didn't even know existed for sure. Maybe I was just so used to how my life was before, that I didn't truly comprehend how much better it could be... but it is. And I have NO regrets ever. I feel more ready now than I ever have and very lucky and blessed to be a wife, mother and with another little one on the way

So that's my story... and if you have any inclination to be a mom, I'm not gonna lie, it's hard (and I only know from the age 9 up so far! lol)-- but it's also THE most amazing experience I've known.

Just listen to your heart hun... it will lead you in the right direction Best of luck!!!

 

[jules7]

Hi, everyone aproaches motherhood differently. Myself, I love children and would have happily had more than the 7 I have if not for my husband putting his foot down!! I am very easy going and take the ups and downs of motherhood in my stride unlike my sister in law who has been close to a break down several times over her 1 daughter.
In short your life will change beyond recognition when you start a family but not necessarily for the worse. Bringing up children is extremely rewarding and personally not something I would have wanted to miss out on.

 

[fluffyblue]

Its a hard work thankless task, its tiring, upsetting, worrying.... need me to go on....

However its also the most rewarding thing you can ever do, I have 3 children 18, 10 and just had our 3rd at 39 and he is 43. It is the most wonderful feeling looking at my children and seeing the people I have made them, each has their own tendancies and personalities and I love preparing these little people for the big wide world. I also tell them I love them every day always go to bed with a cuddle and will never ever want anything better in my life.

Im glad I waited till later in life for my 3rd as I have enjoyed Ollie far better than when I had Ben as I am older, more secure etc

 

[Lenny]

iam 22 and i met my OH and his little girl Eva 2 years ago when she had just turned 2 now i always thought about havin kids one day but my OH has full custordy of Eva so i got thrown right in there 2 years down the line shes now 4 and iam her primary carer i work part time i do the school runs and the baths and the bed times and it isnt easy at times lol we are planning our second at the min but there was times when i would lie awake after a ruff day and think what am i doing planning another one i must be crazy lol

i mean she wakes me up at 20 past 6 every morning but if she goes away to visit her mother for a week iam lost i remember going into her room to change her bedding while she was away and sitting crying on her bed hugging her teddys i never thought my life wud be like this but i couldnt and wouldnt change it for the world i love her to bits even thou she drives me crazy at times but as i always say thats kids for ya lol life isnt easy sometimes but they dont have make u smile.

i think its ok to be scared i mean its a big thing i still get scared sometimes thinking about TTC ive never had any experince with babys and i keep thinking what if its to much to handle but you always find a way to cope and it wont be long before the make u forget all the stuff that drives u crazy