What's wrong with me? I hate feeling like this!

[Bekkiboo]

Why do I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster all the time?

One minute I'm fine and cheerful then the next I feel really down in the dumps and I can see it in myself but it doesn't help stop me from being like it!

I ponder on things too much, I over analyse situations and I get paranoid all the time mostly about people!

I feel unmotivated all the time and can't bring myself to get up and do anything, and although my OH would disagree with me it's not laziness!
When I have a day that I feel happy and cheerful (which is becoming less and less these days) I do everything that needs doing with no problems!

I feel like I'm losing the plot and wish I could be normal but I don't think I am!

I worry all the time what people think about me and I keep thinking everyone I know talks about me behind my back and I just worry in general about Everything all the time!

It's not that I don't love my children, I love them unconditionaly I can feel that in my heart, I just feel that my heads a little messed up and right now I'm at an all time low and feel like I could explode. I have gotten upset about things I should have just shrugged off today but because I was really down to begin with it bothered me.

I feel this has been building up for many years, I've always been up one day and down the next and I have always been paranoid about everything for as long as I can remember!

I've had panic attacks and think something is wrong with me and I must be dying, I check constantly for lumps etc and if I get a pain or ache I think it's something life threatening and I'm going to die!

I can remember having panic attacks from as young as 5 and I know people don't think 5 yr olds remember much later in life they can if it's traumatic to them.
I remember being in my bed at night and getting up suddenly panicking thinking I was going to die and now I'm older I know what it was but back then I didn't!

Sorry if I come across as a loon, I just need some advice, someone to say they know how I feel, I hate feeling like I'm different to everyone else!

 

[TigerLady]

Have you considered talking to someone about the possibility of being bipolar? That is what it sounds like to me. Both my mom and sis have it. My mom has longer cycling one (generally) with long manic and depressive states (days, weeks, months). But my sister has a short cycle version. She can actually go from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes, several times per day! She was just always considered "moody" until it was diagnosed properly. It also runs in my DH's family. My FIL is severely bipolar and cannot even function without meds. There are huge variations in the degrees and types. It is also very very common for it to be associated with anxiety problems (mind racing, worrying, panic attacks).

Thankfully, I escaped the bipolar, but I didn't escape the depression or anxiety. I finally sought help for it a few years ago and it was the best thing I ever did.

Just keep in mind these are chemical imbalances. No amount of willpower or determination can get your head on straight. No amount of KNOWING what you should be doing or feeling like can make it happen. The chemicals simply don't allow for it.

Definitely seek help, hon. If it truly is bipolar, it is the only thing that will get you on track for the long term.

 

[Bekkiboo]

Thank you for that hun, to be honest I had considered the possibilty but just kept telling myself it must be something else! I did seek help a few years back and my doctor just assumed I was depressed but he only listened to the immediate problems I was having not the long term.
When I do meet up with people, be it my sil or someone else I get really on edge and aggitated (sp?) and can't shut up! I think afterwards they must think I'm on drugs or something, I posted a thread before about not wanting to be lonely and about how I don't have any friends and I think I must frighten people away!
If we're around people when my OH is with me and I get aggitated and babble on my OH will often tell me later, and these are his words "you chat shit sometimes" needless to say I get very defensive but my brain will be ticking away thinking if he thinks that then other people must too! My OH says he doesn't believe in depression and says if you feel down you just need to drag yourself back up again!

 

[TigerLady]

Well, your OH is wrong! It is easy for someone who has never suffered it to say that. I battled it all my life and didn't get medical help for 31 years. When I finally did - wow. I finally knew what NORMAL was. I hadn't even realized I never felt normal before.

And you certainly can't tell me that my FIL, who has psychotic manic phases, doesn't really have a problem and just needs to bring himself down. It is NOT possible. You can't understand that level of "crazy" until you witness it. It is truly an illness.

Docs often tend to misdiagnose biploar as depression. And the treatments for depression can actually make bipolar worse. You need to find a doc that can and will listen to the ENTIRE picture and try to get a good diagnosis.

My sis would be like that -- sometimes she can get going a million miles a minute and be the absolute life of the party. The next minute, out of no where, she would be all sulky and teed off. My mom, too.

Those kinds of racing thoughts are classic biploar. I have another family member (this REALLY runs in my family) that I can tell when he is teetering on a manic phase. He will talk a million miles a minute, not always make sense, ramble on, talk in a high voice. He is now on medication and absolutely knows the difference between that and normal now. He actually gets frustrated when his mind "races" like that now.

Obviously, I can't say you have bipolar from a post over the internet. But it sounds possible. Please try to seek help. If you do have it, it won't get better without meds to balance things. It truly won't.

 

[AppleBlossom]

Why do I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster all the time?

One minute I'm fine and cheerful then the next I feel really down in the dumps and I can see it in myself but it doesn't help stop me from being like it!

I ponder on things too much, I over analyse situations and I get paranoid all the time mostly about people!

I feel unmotivated all the time and can't bring myself to get up and do anything, and although my OH would disagree with me it's not laziness!
When I have a day that I feel happy and cheerful (which is becoming less and less these days) I do everything that needs doing with no problems!

I feel like I'm losing the plot and wish I could be normal but I don't think I am!

I worry all the time what people think about me and I keep thinking everyone I know talks about me behind my back and I just worry in general about Everything all the time!

It's not that I don't love my children, I love them unconditionaly I can feel that in my heart, I just feel that my heads a little messed up and right now I'm at an all time low and feel like I could explode. I have gotten upset about things I should have just shrugged off today but because I was really down to begin with it bothered me.

I feel this has been building up for many years, I've always been up one day and down the next and I have always been paranoid about everything for as long as I can remember!
I've had panic attacks and think something is wrong with me and I must be dying, I check constantly for lumps etc and if I get a pain or ache I think it's something life threatening and I'm going to die!

I can remember having panic attacks from as young as 5 and I know people don't think 5 yr olds remember much later in life they can if it's traumatic to them.
I remember being in my bed at night and getting up suddenly panicking thinking I was going to die and now I'm older I know what it was but back then I didn't!

Sorry if I come across as a loon, I just need some advice, someone to say they know how I feel, I hate feeling like I'm different to everyone else!

Could have written the bit in bold myself. hun I hope you manage to get it sorted x

 

[Bekkiboo]

Thankyou ladies, I just have to hope I'll be feeling a bit chipper on Monday and book myself in to see my doctor, if I'm still feeling like this I'll just talk myself out of it in my head!
I've wished for so long to feel normal I just hope they can help me!

Tigerlady, I do have a father who is also very the same! It's only recently that I've been open and honest with him and told him that I know how he must feel and that we are more alike than I'd wanted to admit purely because everyone had labelled him as 'the mad one' and I didn't want to be labelled like that! My dad has never really been diagnosed and again the doctors only ever give him anti depressants! Pretty much most of his adult life he goes back and forth from laid back chirpy dad to jehovahs witness, seriously that's what he's been like as long as I've known him ( I was raised in care ) when he gets on the JW bandwagon he would send me letters telling me he couldn't see me because I wouldn't convert and that I was going to hell, and how armageddon was coming! In the end I moved house and never told him but my overwhelming guilt about what he might do was too much, so now I have contact with him via facebook only and will not give him my address!

Good gosh, look at me I've started and can't stop!! I'll stop now and seek medical advice on Monday!

 

[TigerLady]

That's okay. I know how it is! When I witnessed my FIL's break a year and a half ago (some stupid doc took him off his meds! ) it was awful.

My mom has struggled to get a proper diagnosis and treatment, too. If you loose the will to seek help monday, PM me! I will kick your butt in gear!

Really, hon, both my sister and I have discussed this. It is so novel and amazing to feel normal. It really took us both by surprise. And we are happier than ever. You can be, too.

 

[Bekkiboo]

I hope so, I just want to be as normal a mummy as I can for my children and I worry tha my behaviour will imprint onto them and that's the last thing I want!
I will definitely take you up on your offer, if I feel low and try talking myself out of going I will pm you for a butt kicking lol!
I am a little concerned that when I go the doctor will cut me short again and jump on the depression band wagon without hearing me out fully and what normally happens is I clam up and become embarrassed to say anything! How do I get round that, I don't think I could! I've considered myself to be a coward for some time but I'm not so sure it is cowardess?
So do I just walk in and say "I'd like to be assessed for bipolar and these are the reasons why"
Thinking back everytime I visit the doctor either it be for me being sick or the kids I rabbit on like with when I meet up with people and I become aggitated again and sometimes when I struggle with eye contact in my head, I'll be worried that I'm staring into their eyes to much so look away then I'll think they must think I'm rude for not looking at them and look back! You should have seen my interview a couple of years ago, I was a fumbling baffoon and somehow still managed to get the job, I work in a call centre and we have targets, I never hit them, my call handling time is tripple that of others and I find that I will take ages to explain a simple query because I cant shut up and explain it at high speed in several different ways! I also have chats with the ones who are happer to and the company doesn't like this, I'm supposed to take control of the call but I can't because I feel guilty thinking I'm cutting them short! So I think looking at things it's affecting my performance at work!!

Again, sorry bur I've got carried away with myself x

 

[Bekkiboo]

Gosh I'm having a monumental paranoid day today... I keep thinking everyones on about me on Facebook and on here!!

1000's of members who could be on about any number of people and I think they've started a whole thread because of me, but I'll guarantee once this is posted I'll be checking posts again to see if someones mentioned my name, think I'm cracking up for sure, I need to stop thinking everyones out to get me but I can't

 

[TigerLady]

No one is out to get you, I am sure.

As for the doc. Can you see a psychiatrist? I dunno how things work over there. Here I would just go straight to a psychiatrist. Can you do that there? If not, you just have to remember that the wrong diagnosis and treatment can do more damage than NO treatment. Seriously. So, fight for what you need.

 

[Bekkiboo]

Over here we have to be referred for pretty much everything by our doctor. I'm just hoping whichever doctor I see doesn't just brush me off and send me on my way because if anything, I need answers for why I feel the way I do all the time. Thank you for the support you've shown over this and I will update you via PM with my progress with the doctor etc, if that's okay of course??

 

[TigerLady]

of course!