What's your partner's views on birth???

[KandyKinz]

So what's your partner's views on birth? Do they correspond with your own or are they in conflict.

My husband really doesn't have a care in the world. He's a live each day in the moment kinda guy and doesn't seem to comprehend that the decisions and actions one makes influences what happens down the road. He lives a dreamy life and if something is going to happen it is because of fate and it will be destined to happen regardless of what you think or do.

So when it comes to birth choices and plans etc he really doesn't see the point in even thinking about those things because what ever is meant to happen will happen and you just have to accept that. So given his attitude he has absolutely no problem with doctors or medical interventions and he's one of those naive individuals who thinks that if a medical intervention is used there must be good reason for it (again ). At the same time he has no issues with me choosing a midwife (doctors are the norm here) and electing to have a homebirth, etc etc. He's not at all concerned about safety or anything like that because again whatever is meant to happen is meant to happen. So essentially whatever I want to do is ultimately fine by him which isn't too much of a problem. I can live with that

But lately, I've been a little upset about Baby Peanut's reluctance to settle into my pelvis and assume a good position. My husband however isn't being a very good support about it. He doesn't understand the significance of a unstable lie and shoulder presentation at term. Utlimately, I'm not looking for any solutions from him I just need him to listen when I vent and essentially the only response I get from him is "Don't worry about it. So what if you have a baby at home or a c-section in the hospital or whatever. It's all the same either way." And that's really not the response I want.

And I certainly know there's hope for baby to settle down between now and the time I give birth and I certainly haven't given up hope. But I'm well aware of the potential risks of the potential management plans and the fact that since baby is not cooperating now the chances of me requiring valid intervention is higher then if baby were cooperating right now and I'd just really appreciate if my husband was on board in supporting me. The hospital here is quite small and has many old school practices eg following the birth the husband and baby must actually leave the OR..... So getting them to place the drapes low enough so baby could go on my chest would probably not go over well...... But there's no way in hell that I'm agreeable to them taking the baby away from me during the surgery if it were to be required (and hopefully hopefully hopefully it won't). Then another thing is the vitamin K and erythromycin.... I'm fine with both (I'm actually quite agreeable to such things) BUT both are to be delayed until after the first feed and we have time to "bond" first whether it be after a vaginal birth OR after a cesarean under GA and many many many hours afterwards.... Apparently there's been other women who have requested the same and their wishes were respected by the hospital staff. Two of my midwives (ones just a temp who's here this week and will be here this week and between march 13-20th and the other is my student) is quite supportive in my stance regarding such issues and I know they will advocate for me to a point but the midwives here are still trying to establish ground in the hospital and they can only do so much... And I'm not to fond of my actual midwife and I don't trust her willingness to advocate for me one little bit so it's really up to my partner to be able to advocate for us during times when I'm unable to (eg if I'm on the OR table). I NEED him to put his foot down when it comes to such things and he just doesn't get the point or my reasoning which is really upsetting me. Should things go astray and I end up in hospital in the OR the little things are all I have left and they're important to me.... It's not even that I'm requesting things that go against medical guidelines or that involve great risks..... If baby is well why the hell can't it stay with me following the birth???? The thought of dealing with things like that is just upsetting me right now... Blah!

Guess this turned more into a venting post then anything else.... Feel free to vent as well if you have reason!

 

[pinkmonki]

Sigh.

I think men are generally pretty useless when it comes to such things. My OH is fabulously supportive, but not because he actually reads up or researches any of the things that I want.. More because I want them therefore they should be, you know?

(Incidentally he writes a blog and recently wrote his thoughts on my birth plan.. It's in my sig)

I try my best to drum into him exactly what I'll want during my labour and birth, and to make him understand that he'll be my voice when I can't speak.. But I'm somewhat afraid that he's simply going to go to pieces when faced with speaking up for me. I am praying that I'll have a birth like my last one, and his input won't be required because I suspect that if anything goes wrong I'll be shunted to hospital and rammed full of drugs if he's left to make the choice!

 

[chuck]

The words 'I dont understand why you dont all have elective C-sections and be done with it' have left my hubands mouth before.

Oh and when I was saying a few months back before I was pg that I still felt awful about Dewi's delivery he said 'well there miust be something wrong with you'.

Lets just say hubby does not and I dot think he ever will see birth as anything other than a procedure to just get through.

 

[KandyKinz]

The words 'I dont understand why you dont all have elective C-sections and be done with it' have left my hubands mouth before.

Oh and when I was saying a few months back before I was pg that I still felt awful about Dewi's delivery he said 'well there miust be something wrong with you'.

Lets just say hubby does not and I dot think he ever will see birth as anything other than a procedure to just get through.

I don't think I'll ever understand how people can think that way.....

 

[KandyKinz]

Sigh.

I think men are generally pretty useless when it comes to such things. My OH is fabulously supportive, but not because he actually reads up or researches any of the things that I want.. More because I want them therefore they should be, you know?

(Incidentally he writes a blog and recently wrote his thoughts on my birth plan.. It's in my sig)

I try my best to drum into him exactly what I'll want during my labour and birth, and to make him understand that he'll be my voice when I can't speak.. But I'm somewhat afraid that he's simply going to go to pieces when faced with speaking up for me. I am praying that I'll have a birth like my last one, and his input won't be required because I suspect that if anything goes wrong I'll be shunted to hospital and rammed full of drugs if he's left to make the choice!

I read your OH's blog. It was a pretty good read! Seems like you caught yourself a decent man

 

[chuck]

Meh he's very black and white about things and obviously Dr's know best right?

He only knows the typical hospital experience that people talk about - I don't think he's ever been exposed to anything else.

 

[KandyKinz]

Meh he's very black and white about things and obviously Dr's know best right?

He only knows the typical hospital experience that people talk about - I don't think he's ever been exposed to anything else.

I used to be the Dr's know best type..... Then I got to know some of them and realized they were just ordinary regular people! Silly me shoulda known

And my man only sees things in black and white as well and can't comprehend that HUGE grey area in between or atleast in his eyes the grey area is nothing less then me just trying to complicate things

 

[chuck]

I find it very frustrating as its the one time that emotions can rule and he really doesn't get it at ll or at least dosen't seem to!

 

[NaturalMomma]

My DH is against pain medication and hospitals if they both can be avoided. He doesn't like the affect the Epidural had on myself and ds1 and after learning more on the risks (more than what the hospital told us) he's pretty against it. Although he knows its the woman's choice, but that is his view. After we had ds2 at home he said "I don't want to have any more babies in the hospital if we don't have to".

 

[faun]

My hubby does as he's told joking aside he has been very supportive of all the choices i have made about my births. In his words women have been doing this(having babies) for thousands of years so whatever you want or feel its my job to support you as best i can

 

[Celesse]

My OH wants me to have an epidural with the next one as he didn't like it when I was in labour and wouldn't let him touch me. He wanted to comfort me with hugs and strokes and I wanted to be left alone. He also didn't come in with me when I had my section (my mum did) and has said if I need another section he wont want to come in this time either. ...

... So he doesn't want me to have a natural birth, or a C-Section. So his plan is for me to have an epidural vaginal birth.....but will probably decide he doesn't like that either. Maybe I should teleport the baby out?

Since we haven't even made baby #2 yet I have plenty of time to work out who I can have as a female birthing partner for when OH faints/looses it/generally stresses out.

 

[PeanutBean]

Mine is rising to the challenge. In his own words, he will do anything to prevent the depression for two years I've had since my first birth. He has even been reading which I'm impressed with. Took months to get him to read the Birthing the Easy Way book but I think it had quite an impact on him. We've ordered the Birth Partner book and when I was reading the Wesson homebirth book he said something that showed he was expecting to read it too. I had said I want him to have the same knowledge as me so I guess he's decided he wants that too.

He's been interested in all the facts I've imparted. He's said he so wants to make sure no-one interferes with me that if I choose to be transferrred I might have a fight on my hands! lol

I'm very impressed with him. Pink - I asked him to start a blog and he said he'd happily contribute to magazines or other blogs or whatever but he's too busy blogging about horror comics to kick start his career to fit in another blog. So selfish...

 

[KandyKinz]

Mine is rising to the challenge. In his own words, he will do anything to prevent the depression for two years I've had since my first birth. He has even been reading which I'm impressed with. Took months to get him to read the Birthing the Easy Way book but I think it had quite an impact on him. We've ordered the Birth Partner book and when I was reading the Wesson homebirth book he said something that showed he was expecting to read it too. I had said I want him to have the same knowledge as me so I guess he's decided he wants that too.

He's been interested in all the facts I've imparted. He's said he so wants to make sure no-one interferes with me that if I choose to be transferrred I might have a fight on my hands! lol

I'm very impressed with him. Pink - I asked him to start a blog and he said he'd happily contribute to magazines or other blogs or whatever but he's too busy blogging about horror comics to kick start his career to fit in another blog. So selfish...

I'd love it if my OH would blog... For the most part his thoughts and opinions remain an mystery to me! But he's not the writing type at all and it's probably been over a year since he's changed his facebook status though he goes on there daily!

And I'm very impressed with your husband too PeanutBean. I haven't even bothered trying to get my man to read this time around..... So I've just compiled some cole notes including algorhythms for him to refer to should he need them Wish me luck! lol

 

[PeanutBean]

Good luck!

I'm surprised he's reading too. He is a writer (and reader) so always has a million things to read at once plus he's just secured a regular position in a magazine reviewing comics so that's more reading and with a deadline. We both thought he'd not fit it in but really so far the books I've read have been fairly light reading so he's been reading them on the bus to and from work. If he had endless time he'd blog about anything and everything I think. I think it's really down to his feeling hugely protective. This seems to be something that's developed behind the scenes. We don't even talk that much about things, other than chats relating to threads on here or things I've read in a book, snippets, but he's clearly been mulling everything over internally.

 

[pinkmonki]

I'm very impressed with him. Pink - I asked him to start a blog and he said he'd happily contribute to magazines or other blogs or whatever but he's too busy blogging about horror comics to kick start his career to fit in another blog. So selfish...

Bloody writers for you I'm incredibly surprised mine has kept it up considering he writes all day as his day job, and blogs daily as part of that too.

Oh says he'd love another mans input on his blog though about the guys view of our birthing plans if your man fancies it?

 

[rachiedata]

My OH is a massive support. I think it's a mixture of just wanting to go along with what I want, so I'm happy with what's going on, and being a bit of a hippy inside and wanting to do things (everything, not just to do with childbirth) the natural way. He is well up for cloth nappies and breastfeeding, so I think for him giving birth in a way that doesn't "use up resources" (trying to get into his mind here, maybe not phrasing this properly!) appeals to him. He's also scientifically minded, so any studies I've read about home birth having better outcomes for mother and baby have been explained to him, which has helped. He is possessed of a lot of common sense and is very well house trained, so I think I've been lucky in general, he's a man in a million really.

 

[PeanutBean]

I'm very impressed with him. Pink - I asked him to start a blog and he said he'd happily contribute to magazines or other blogs or whatever but he's too busy blogging about horror comics to kick start his career to fit in another blog. So selfish...

Bloody writers for you I'm incredibly surprised mine has kept it up considering he writes all day as his day job, and blogs daily as part of that too.

Oh says he'd love another mans input on his blog though about the guys view of our birthing plans if your man fancies it?

DH's problem is it's not his day job so as well as his 37 hours a week at the library he's taking care of the house and doing SO much to get his career started. I do not know where he gets his energy! Anyway I am sure he would like to contribute to your OH's blog. Wanna PM me some details and I'll pass them on?

 

[chuck]

Well me and mine had a big barney about a few things this morning at it turned to this pregnancy and birth again and he will not change his mind about hypnotherapy being hippy bullshit, home is not the best place, I should be on hospital with an epi at least and that there must still be something very wrong and very selfish about me if I still feel bad about the EMCS and not bonding with Dewi for months.

<facepam>

I just have to accept that I have to do this alone emotionally speaking that is.

There will be no emotional support there for me no matter how it goes, birth will never be more than just an obstacle to get past to him and the process of birth/labour is as unimportant to him as picking up milk from asda.

If things dont go well and I get transferred and end up having a traumatic birth it'll be very much a case of I told you so.

 

[PeanutBean]

Oh chuck.

 

[pinkmonki]

PB - PM incoming.

Chuck - I'm so bloody angry for you. Not the same thing at all, but if you're feeling in need of emotional support, at any time, you can give me a bell. Sigh.. I'm going to stop now before I start ranting