jacky24
Mom of 37w2d Angel
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2008
- Messages
- 3,663
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1. I wish you understood that infertility and losing a child changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to my old self, you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the new me
maybe you will still like me.
2. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my loss, my infertility, and to ask questions or if you can help.
3. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isnt because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
4. I wish you wouldnt pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
5. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldnt think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
6. Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldnt shy away from me.
7. I wish you knew that all of the crazy grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
8. I wish you wouldnt expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have children. We struggle to accept the fact that with each attempt at a child, we will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. We will also never forget the pain of losing a dream.
9. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight sleep all the time or not at all want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
10. My birthday, anniversaries of the failed pregnancies, holidays, and the days I find out that this cycle too was a bust, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please dont try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.
11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty.
12. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
13. I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them and our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving.
14. I wish that you will not avoid or stop calling because you dont know what to say. Show me that you care and I can lean on you.
15. I wish that you would not judge the times that I am sad or find it hard to deal with things (like pregnancies and christenings). Infertility and loss does not make us bad people just people in pain.
16. I wish you did not tire of my constant mood swings and ups and downs, but that you would just be there when ever I was ready to talk.
17. I wish you would not judge the decisions I choose to make. Keep an open and supportive mind and respect my thoughts and actions.
18. I wish you would do the best you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that as your guide to support me.
19. I wish that you pray for me to have strength and guidance and that this pain will subside.
20. I wish you would not try to offer solutions. Trust me, we have been searching for the answer with all the effort our souls.
21. Infertility and loss is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something wrong. It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.
22. I wish you could see that the goal is not to get pregnant. It is to have a healthy baby and eventually the family that we crave.
23. I wish everyone knew that I do not judge them. There are many things which are part of life and I understand that life carries on. People face different choices and I will do my best to be there to love and support even if the situation is as far from my own as can possibly be imagined.
24. I wish I had never had to write this and that people already knew about infertility and loss and knew that it is ok to talk about it. If someone had a crisis then you would ask how they were doing thats what infertility is, a life crisis, and just asking doesnt mean you will find yourself in an uncomfortable position, it will just show that you care enough to ask.
25. I wish people didnt exclude me from things just because I am not a Mother. Not having children does not mean that I do not understand unconditional love! I am not an alien because I have lost a child and I am not to be feared or looked at like I have two heads. I did not choose to be infertile and I do not choose to remain childless
2. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my loss, my infertility, and to ask questions or if you can help.
3. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isnt because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
4. I wish you wouldnt pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
5. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldnt think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
6. Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldnt shy away from me.
7. I wish you knew that all of the crazy grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
8. I wish you wouldnt expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have children. We struggle to accept the fact that with each attempt at a child, we will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. We will also never forget the pain of losing a dream.
9. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight sleep all the time or not at all want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
10. My birthday, anniversaries of the failed pregnancies, holidays, and the days I find out that this cycle too was a bust, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please dont try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.
11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty.
12. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
13. I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them and our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving.
14. I wish that you will not avoid or stop calling because you dont know what to say. Show me that you care and I can lean on you.
15. I wish that you would not judge the times that I am sad or find it hard to deal with things (like pregnancies and christenings). Infertility and loss does not make us bad people just people in pain.
16. I wish you did not tire of my constant mood swings and ups and downs, but that you would just be there when ever I was ready to talk.
17. I wish you would not judge the decisions I choose to make. Keep an open and supportive mind and respect my thoughts and actions.
18. I wish you would do the best you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that as your guide to support me.
19. I wish that you pray for me to have strength and guidance and that this pain will subside.
20. I wish you would not try to offer solutions. Trust me, we have been searching for the answer with all the effort our souls.
21. Infertility and loss is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something wrong. It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.
22. I wish you could see that the goal is not to get pregnant. It is to have a healthy baby and eventually the family that we crave.
23. I wish everyone knew that I do not judge them. There are many things which are part of life and I understand that life carries on. People face different choices and I will do my best to be there to love and support even if the situation is as far from my own as can possibly be imagined.
24. I wish I had never had to write this and that people already knew about infertility and loss and knew that it is ok to talk about it. If someone had a crisis then you would ask how they were doing thats what infertility is, a life crisis, and just asking doesnt mean you will find yourself in an uncomfortable position, it will just show that you care enough to ask.
25. I wish people didnt exclude me from things just because I am not a Mother. Not having children does not mean that I do not understand unconditional love! I am not an alien because I have lost a child and I am not to be feared or looked at like I have two heads. I did not choose to be infertile and I do not choose to remain childless
. i can relate to everything you have written. hope you don't mind me showing it to a few of my friends and family. xxxxxx
Jacky, that was beautifully written and very moving. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. 
