When did you realize (and accept) that FOB wasn't going to be around?

Discussion in 'Single Parents' started by mamashakesit, Nov 12, 2011.

  1. mamashakesit

    mamashakesit Mom to Harleigh

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    So I finally got over the idea of my FOB being a father when LO was around 10 months old. It took me being humiliated and emotionally tortured while I was pregnant, moving 1800 miles away from him for my family's help. Moving near him, moving back home and moving back near him for me to finally realize that he wasn't going to be a dad, didn't care about his daughter and that she was better off without him around.

    A lady I work with said something very simple to me that also turned out to be very prolific to me: "Sometimes we think things are supposed to be a certain way and then you realize that it doesn't HAVE to be that way...we all get there on our own time..some takes longer then others."

    It took me A LOT and I'm glad I finally see it...but I think of everything I wasted and how much harder I made things for myself. I had red flags waving furiously in my face the whole time.

    I know my story is on the worst end of the bad Dad scale, but I'm curious about when you other ladies realized and what it took for you to finally give up on the idea of FOB being around.
     
  2. Snowball

    Snowball Resident badass

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    :hugs:

    My ex left me 6 weeks pregnant and our 3 children last xmas and I finally gave up on the idea of him being a father when Louie was born in August. I belittled myself by thinking that after he cheated on me and wanted me to abort Louie so badly that he'd turn full circle and be a good dad to them again. I used to beg and cry to him and there was no emotion in his face, like he was dead inside you know? I don't think I could sit and watch anyone that distraught and just look straight through them... let alone if I'd caused it.

    I think it summed it up recently when I told him he'd been an awful father for a long time and he just replied, "Oh well, I was never great at it" :wacko:.

    I used to feel sorry for the kids for losing him but after Louie was born and he still thought it acceptable to swan in and out when it suited him it stopped me thinking he could ever change and instead I've concentrated on getting him out of their lives because I hand on heart think he causes them nothing but the feeling of rejection (I think this happening in his own childhood is the reason why he finds it so acceptable). Sadly it's got to the stage where they are a million times happier without him around.

    It's taken me a long time so it's not rare (I don't think). Everyday I wake up now I feel a little bit happier and I know it's because I'm not allowing him to drag us down anymore. He doesn't love the kids... not really and I've accepted that. I'll be quite happy the day he just decides to move on and leave us alone.
     
  3. Laura2919

    Laura2919 Team Twilight!!

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    FOB still has Chloe and Jaycee but they aren't top of his priorities! I think I am still trying to fight for them to be top but I suppose I am starting to realise that they never will be. He knows deep down he only has them because his mum makes him do the family can still see the girls...
    I wouldn't say that he is the world worst parent cos he isn't but he hasn't a clue how to place his priorities. He thinks that posting on Facebook about how he feels and stuff will get him somewhere in life but it won't.

    I don't actually even want to speak to him anymore but I haven't got a choice... I just normally retaliate but I am learning to ignore the idiot however hard it is for me..
     
  4. SophiasMummy

    SophiasMummy Mummy to Sophia

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    FOB has his last chance this friday, if he cancels on us again at any point then thats it im done trying to make my daughter a priority in his life, he's seen her 16 times in a year, didnt see her for 5 months straight, never paid a penny for her or bought her anything. So this is his last chance, he blames me for him not being there because I broke up with him but ive never stopped him from being in her life, he is the perfect dad to his gfs daughter who isnt his and does everything for her.
     
  5. Mally01

    Mally01 Well-Known Member

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    I gave up on my FOB really the moment he turned around and said he didn't want to be a father to his child. It was sinking in then that this man was not the man I thought he was. He had kept a HUGE secret from me about a child he had when he was younger that died and he couldn't go through with having another child again. He doesn't contact me anymore, he is gone. I will tell him when the baby is born and that is it. I am done with a person like that. He has no family around him at all so this child would be his only blood relative close to him. He really has cut his nose off to spite his face, he is only truly hurting and destroying his own life in the long run because me and my baby will be happy as happy little bunnies together and they will get a proper Daddy when I am ready and that will be all they will know in their life. They will hopefully never know, nor want to know the loser sperm donor that bailed on them before they were even born.
     
  6. Lemonflower

    Lemonflower Well-Known Member

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    I think mine is just gonna come with time which sucks!!!!!
    I am getting stronger though!!
    xxx
     
  7. Mally01

    Mally01 Well-Known Member

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    I think having no contact with FOB is doing me good. Very difficult for lots of us single Mums who have to have contact with their ex's but I think time will help and each day is better and makes us stronger. Best thing about breaking up when you first find out you are pregnant - you've got 9 months to properly get over the FOB before baby even arrives! LOL
     
  8. Snowball

    Snowball Resident badass

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    I had that amount of time but had to see him because of the others. I must say it's more normal for a man to have a complete crisis BEFORE he has 3 children already :lol:
     
  9. mkm1083

    mkm1083 Well-Known Member

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    I think I finally 100% accepted it when I stood before the judge to finalize the divorce. I had requested sole physical and legal custody but mostly because that was the rational decision. The judge asked me if he had made any attempt or had any desire to be a father and I wanted to cry. The only answer I could give was no.
     
  10. jessrabbit

    jessrabbit Well-Known Member

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    My situation is a little bit different, as we were never really together and I honestly think this is making things easier as there are no feelings involved other than for LO.

    Only time will tell, but at the moment he seems sincere about wanting to be involved with LO once he arrives. I'm not holding my breath though and will go it alone if I think for one second he isnt doing his best for LO.
     
  11. Snowball

    Snowball Resident badass

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    That is so sad :(. I bloody hate some men and how they can detach themselves like that :hugs:.

    My ex asks how the kids are everyday but it's only to tick a box. He sees seeing the kids more as a competition than an actual desire. I actually think he is still partly convinced that our youngest isn't his :wacko:
     
  12. mamashakesit

    mamashakesit Mom to Harleigh

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    I agree...very sad. I'm sure when I start getting child support, mine will be trying for custody. And I will have to say the same thing. And the only reason he would want custody is to hurt me because he'll be pissed that he finally has to help with the bills.
     
  13. Laura2919

    Laura2919 Team Twilight!!

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    You dont know how much this rings true to me!

    FOB only asks because his mum and sister ask him how they are (instead of me) so he has to have a reply.
    He posts on FB all day long about his new life and stupid little comments, when he doesnt have the twins its 'oh had a fantastic weekend but now back to work' or 'what a lovely day with you, thanks baby' but never 'I had such a lovely weekend with my kids, I am gonna miss them cos I wont see them until next week' or 'girls made me laugh this weekend, love spending time with them' Just makes me sick because I know having them is just something he does for his family rather than himself...

    I suppose maybe I should wait for the day I start to get all the let downs. :shrug:
     

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