When did you tell loved ones?

[ChocLover]

Hi guys,

Any thoughts on when to tell my parents? I'm seeing them tomorrow and I'd love to tell them then but is it too early? I don't want then to feel sad if it doesn't work out.

It will be 14 DPO tomorrow..

 

[first]

Hey….congrats

For me telling people was about who I would want to know if I had a miscarriage…..I figured I would want to tell my parents and my sister and brother and one close friend so I told them all pretty early (before 8 wks). I'm going to wait until I'm out of the first trimester to tell more people as I'm not really comfortable with people I don't know as well asking me how I'm doing in a few months if I miscarry…

It's a personal decision, my advice is just to think about whether you would tell your parents if you had a miscarriage, if yes then go ahead and tell them! If no then thing about it some more

Just my two cents.

 

[Mrs Dragonfly]

It's when you're comfortable telling. We told my in laws sooner than I wanted, but happy that we did because if something did happen I would need their support. So our parents/siblings know and we're waiting on everyone else until the 2nd tri

 

[Selaphyna]

Tell them when you feel comfortable.

I told them, the next day after finding out. I called and talked to my dad first, only because he's easier to get ahold of than my mom. And then I called my mom on her lunch and told her. She was so mad at my dad because he had her thinking it was something horrible, but was so happy to hear of my pregnancy.

I was about 6-7 weeks along at this time.

 

[Nina83]

I told my mom at 5 weeks. She obviously knew about my previous MC, and I needed her support. We told DH's parents after seeing the HB at 7 weeks. We wanted to tell them earlier, but in person, and couldn't before that.
With our previous pregnancies we decided to wait until x weeks to tell them, and we only got to tell them bad news. It was horrible. They deserved a little happiness, even if it would end badly again.
At work, and other family, I decided to tell people who knew about my MC, I would obviously tell them if something happened again, and again my thought was, why not spread some happiness, and I need support, and them being positive and happy for me, will help me feel more happy and positive.
I am so glad I told, I don't know what I was thinking waiting before.
Not everyone knows though But I am not hiding it or denying it. I'm not showing yet either so that makes it easier to just not tell.

 

[ChocLover]

Thanks guys, this has been really helpful. I think I will tell my parents tomorrow - yay!!!

 

[victoria1987]

I waited until after I had my 12 week scan to tell people. Although I saw a HB at my 7 wk scan I was terrified to tell due to a previous mc. My first pg, DH and I told the world as soon as we found out, only to lose the baby at 6 weeks. I did not find all the condolences helpful, but only served as a reminder of what had happened.

It is totally up to you whether you feel that the support would be helpful or hurt more in that very difficult time if you were to suffer a loss. Very personal decision whether to tell. I would say wait until you have AT LEAST seen a HB on ultrasound if not waiting the full 12 weeks, but that is my opinion coming for a bad experience.

 

[messica]

I waited until week 12 to share with anyone with my first two.

Shared with our parents and siblings just this past Monday at 8w2d only because my belly has already popped and it was getting hard to hide. They knew we had done IVF and were just on pins and needles waiting anyway. Swore them to secrecy and so far so good. We will wait until 12 weeks to share with the rest of our extended family and friends.


I think it's all in what you're comfortable with. I'm a super private person and the last thing I'd want is to try to grieve through a loss with well intentioned but otherwise intrusive support and questions from others.

 

[ChocLover]

Yeah I def won't tell friends until I absolutely have to but my worry with my parents and my in laws is that they may feel hurt if we sit on the knowledge for nearly three months before telling .. But with my own parents my bigger fear was telling them and then having to make them sad if anything goes wrong.

So perhaps I need to stop worrying how they will feel either way and try and think about whether I want them to know. Hmm i probably don't. But I'll never get away with keeping it from my mil for 3 months either - she'd def be offended.

Argh!

 

[SteffieLee]

I told my family at 9 weeks with this baby. Only because my grandmother fell extremely ill and we didn't think she would make it. So after she recovered is when we spilled the beans.
But I will say, with my miscarriage, I was thankful that everyone knew. I had a great support system. It was extra hard for me because my sister was pregnant at same time I was and I lost my baby but she didn't. So it was a difficult time to say the least but I am glad they were by my side. My sister sat in the hospital with me and my mom was there to comfort me.

 

[messica]

OP - I'm glad you're considering the feelings of your mil but seriously, if she's going to be offended by you waiting until when the doctors typically advise women to share.....then I'm sorry but tough cookies for her. She'll just need to build a bridge and get over it! I'd be willing to bet she waited to share the news of being pregnant with her own and bottom line is - who cares! This is not her baby anyway!

Please don't let that pressure you into doing things one way or the other. I've never heard of someone getting butt hurt over a couple waiting to share their news, the thought just blows my mind!

 

[Mild Mango]

I told my close friends at 5 weeks, only because it was my birthday, and they would want to know why I wasn't drinking. Plus, one of my best friends is pregnant, and I wanted to talk about pregnancy things with her.

We told our parents at 10 weeks. We wanted to wait for 12 weeks, but I couldn't keep it to myself. Plus, at this point, I'm so attached to this baby that if we lost it, I would need their support.

They tell you to keep it to yourselves until 12 weeks, but that doesn't make sense to me. If I miscarried, who could hubby and I lean on for support besides each other? I couldn't imagine going through something so traumatizing and not being able to tell anyone about it. Just pretend to be fine? How is that supposed to work? I would want my friends and family there to support me.

But everyone else is going to have to wait until after our 12 week scan!

 

[britgirl82]

I agree with messica - whether other people being offended is pretty irrelevant in this situation.

Will she be offended if you don't invite her to the scan? If you don't tell her the gender? If you don't let her be at the birth? This is not her pregnancy: it is yours and you are entitled to keep the news private for as long as you want. Please don't feel under pressure to share: it can actually be quite fun keeping the secret!!

Personally I think telling at 4wks is way too early. You're past the very risky part (implantation) but the miscarriage risk at 4wks is still much higher than at 6wks - only two weeks away. I don't want to worry you - your odds are still really good - but it seems very very early to be spreading the news. If nothing else, it'll make the pregnancy seem very long!!!

I don't want to tell people early since, if something bad happened, I wouldn't want to feel that people were expecting us to try again: I would want to be able to deal with it and move on in my own time, rather than knowing people were expecting another announcement every time we spoke with them.

With #1 and #2 we told family after a healthy 8wk scan - the odds then are pretty much the same as after a 12wk scan so we were happy with that. We're telling people this time around next week (I'll be 9wks) since we no longer live close to them and this is the first time we're seeing them in person (plus I have a very obvious bump which is getting impossible to hide!!).

 

[MollyNorwood]

My personal feelings on this is that as long as you look after yourself and try to keep healthy that's all you can do to prevent miscarriage. If the worst was to happen and you lose it then you know you did all in your power to prevent it happening. Which is why our decision to tell our parents/siblings the day of our positive blood test was an easy one.
I can totally understand those women who have had multiple losses and their hesitation to tell anyone.
For me it was either I will stay pregnant or I won't.
All the rest of our family and friends found out by 8 weeks.
Do what you feel comfortable with
Congrats!

 

[granolamama]

Thanks guys, this has been really helpful. I think I will tell my parents tomorrow - yay!!!

 

[granolamama]

Thanks guys, this has been really helpful. I think I will tell my parents tomorrow - yay!!!

 

[silmarien]

I had a MC in late May 2014. Only told 3 close friends and my partner. I ended up feeling isolated and thinking my Angel would never be remembered.

I got pregnant again in June 2014, and this time I announced on FB at 5w4d. If the baby dies, I'll have more support. I have at least 20 people praying for me for a safe healthy pregnancy. If the baby lives, well, who cares when I announced? Another MC will hurt anyway. Why not have support of friends if it does?

I hope we all have H&H pregnancies and take home babies.

 

[sandandsun]

We told different people at different times:

My mom/dad/sister - The second we saw the positive pregnancy test! I am SUPER close with my family, and they would be there for me no matter what. We share everything with each other. As long as you wouldn't mind telling them out a miscarriage, then why not share?

In-laws - 7 weeks, only because we saw them in person and wanted it to be a fun surprise. I had already heard the heartbeat at this point.

A couple close friends - 8 weeks. Chance of miscarriage low and we were too excited!

I will be telling my coworkers/boss after my 12-week scan next week, and I will be waiting until my 18-week scan to share with extended family and facebook/social media.

Basically, it's all up to you and when you're comfortable telling certain groups of people in your life.

 

[Phoenix82]

Hey Ladies

I'm 4 weeks + 2 days and the oh wants it kept secret until 12 weeks scan is done
I understand it as I spotted b4 AF was due and am now waiting for my 6 week scan to check everything.

I think do it when you are comfortable xxxx

 

[skyesmom]

good luck with telling them!

i also had losses and got only to share the bad news. it sucks, i find the entire "keep it a secret until x weeks" a really damaging thing that keeps you isolated and totally without support when the things go wrong. having to break the silence and ask for the help to cope with the loss of the baby no one ever knew about was among the most difficult things ever for me.

when i get pregnant again, i'll definitely share the news with my closest family and friends immediately, those who knew of my losses and who supported me through. they also deserve some happiness, even if it doesn't last, and we also deserve for the people to share our joys and love of having a new baby instead of just having to imagine it once it's gone.