When people ask you how many kids you have/had?

[Mummy of Ange]

A few people have said to me 'is this your first' and I always answer with no my 3rd, but really its my 5th.

We lost twin boys at 24 weeks in 2010. They both lived for a day but we had to turn the machines off as they were not responding to treatment.

Its a difficult one to answer, because yes we have two girls at home (5 and 3), but sometimes I don't want to say no 5th and get into the story about the boys.

What would you say?? x

 

[ricschick]

Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss that must have been the most difficult thing to have to do!
I think i would say 3rd if it’s just a random person just so you don’t have to explain yourself, it doesn’t mean you have dismissed the twins they will always be your children xxxx

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

People's reactions can be vary, so I usually try to match my response to the type of relationship I have with the person, if it is relevant information and the current atmosphere (i.e. I don't bring up my loss at someone else's celebration). I've also found that my reaction/mood also impacts what I say. I basically have 3 "go-to" responses:

For random people or if I'm not up to it I just say it's my 3rd.

With medical personnel I always say it's my 4th pregnancy, with 2 children at home.

When it's friends or family and sometime acquaintances, that may not know our history, I will say 4th and tell them we had another son who was born too early and didn't make it.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

I would only say it was your 5th if it was someone close who knew about the loss of your twins or if it was a medical person asking for medical reasons. This is really my 8th pregnancy (I've had 3 early losses) but I always say it's my 5th when someone asks. Sometimes thinking about them is just too painful to bring up especially when I'd have to say my 8th pregnancy but 5th baby and then go into details about what happened because they usually ask.

 

[laura109]

So sorry for your loss. It must be hard. I would say what feels right for the person. If its an old lady in Asda and you don't really want the questions I'd say three. If it's a new neighbour etc who you feel you will tell more about your life too then maybee you could say I have three and twins that sadly passed away. It's totally however you feel with this one. Sometimes I can imagine it's nice to let people know they were born and they did live and sometimes I guess it's not something that's easy to talk about. Just say whatever you feel OK talking about. It must be hard. Don't ever feel guilty as they are in your heart and you know that you are a family of five xx

 

[LoraLoo]

I dont count my early miscarriages at all. Trying to word this as sensitively as possible but I lost them early and I never have considered them in my children count.

For the most part I say 6, if it's a random person asking. If its someone I've known a while or someone I get an instant connection too, I will explain that we lost Eve to Meningitis and had 2 born asleep.
Sometimes I reply I have '6 at home but I find this often adds to the confusion.

You will always have 5 children, you give birth to your babies. Just answer with whatever feels comfortable at the time. I used to feel guilty for answering 6 but I dont want a strangers pity or to answer awkward questions x

 

[Mummy of Ange]

I dont count my early miscarriages at all. Trying to word this as sensitively as possible but I lost them early and I never have considered them in my children count.

For the most part I say 6, if it's a random person asking. If its someone I've known a while or someone I get an instant connection too, I will explain that we lost Eve to Meningitis and had 2 born asleep.
Sometimes I reply I have '6 at home but I find this often adds to the confusion.

You will always have 5 children, you give birth to your babies. Just answer with whatever feels comfortable at the time. I used to feel guilty for answering 6 but I dont want a strangers pity or to answer awkward questions x

Agreed, I don't count any of my early losses neither, I had two miscarriages after the twins.

I have been saying my 3rd, and people who know my story obviously already know so don't even ask xx

 

[LoraLoo]

It's really difficult isnt it? When I used to include all of my children to strangers id tense up waiting for them to ask 'how old are they?' Because there was no way out of it then. It kills me inside when I dont include them but sometimes i just cant face going into it all and they'll ALWAYS be my children. Hope you're ok, I still have a constant battle in my head when people ask. I think it's Normal under the circumstances x

 

[Reiko_ctu]

I don’t have personal experience with this as my only loss has been very early but I wouldn’t bat an eye if I asked, and someone said, “well this will be my 5th but we lost our twin boys at 24 weeks”. That might make some people uncomfortable but it puts some perspective on how far into parenting you are which is probably what they’re getting at with the question.

But I wouldn’t feel guilty for saying three, it is your personal story and you’re not obliged to let anyone into that unless you want to.

I had a friend at work who was pregnant with her third son, her first they lost in 2nd tri, and she always said she had 3 sons without even saying they lost him.

 

[Sarah369]

I have the same issue too. This is my 5th baby but our daughter was born sleeping at 24 weeks. I tend to go with how I feel at that point. I always feel terrible when I say it’s my fourth. I always want to acknowledge my daughter. But some days I just can’t deal with the pity faces or awkward pauses etc. Amongst my friends and family she is talked about regularly so they all refer to this baby as my 5th.

I think it’s one of those things that we’ll always be a bit difficult. I know I shouldn’t care about others reactions. It’s an odd one

Sorry for rambling