When TTC? Finishing grad school and old

[vickywhite]

I am currently in my 5th year of PhD and entering 6th in STEM. My advisor played favorites and neglected me for the last few years and that is why I am so behind. Add the personal and health problems on my side and there you have it. Advisor just told me I can graduate by the end of 6th year! That is WAY too late.

I am 30 years old now and I don't want to graduate when I'm 31 female. I wanted to have one kid during PhD but the health issues were the problem and now I am fine. Since my health issues were related to reproduction, I worry that if I wait another year or two, they might reemerge and then it's not advised to become pregnant or worse - you might not be able to at all. I had high grade cervical dysplasia and had conization - whoever knows this, the risks in pregnancy increase after one cone. Then the dysplasia can return and it's not advisable to get pregnant because it can end up with cervical cancer! When when you are
pregnant your dysplasia can re emerge and there could be a need for another conization, which increases infertility, more risks for mom and baby and risk of cervical cancer.

So now I have a dilemma - try to get pregnant now, and give birth around the time of graduation ( I will be 31 and I want to have one more child after that), but then when I graduate nobody will hire me with a baby, and I have zero paid maternity leave. Husband is currently not making enough money to support us on his income alone.
Another option is to graduate and find a job and get pregnant then (and give birth around 32 years old to first kid). That seems old to me and quite irresponsible to start a new job and abandon it for maternity leave so soon. And then of course I want another child soon, so how the employer would look at me?!

I feel so old and I am afraid that no matter what I do, I have to sacrifice either my PhD (not finish it?! - I had my doubts for years) or sacrifice my life and risk having kids later in life. We all know that after 30 it takes much longer to even get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. I couldn't handle kids with disabilities (I am sorry it sounds horrible), so I am planning to get all the possible screenings when pregnant.

I know not everybody has to have those issues but I don't want to risk my chances and later in life regret that I waited to have a healthy child.


Please help!

 

[tverb84]

Plenty of women have had children after 30 years old so I don't think it's a big deal.

 

[vickywhite]

Plenty of women have had children after 30 years old so I don't think it's a big deal.

I know, but I also had dysplasia in the past and thus my recent anxiety over the future. I can't predict if dysplasia will return or not and the longer I wait, the more chances that it will return with age.

Anybody in similar experience?

How bad is it to have a baby when you don't have a job and are on a budget?

 

[jessmke]

I haven't had the medical issues that you had, but I was pregnant in my final year of my education. I graduated and got a job when I was 6 months pregnant and worked for 3 months before going on maternity leave (I was 33 years old). I plan to start TTC baby #2 this month so when I go back to work in December I will hopefully be 4 months pregnant. It is none of my employers business when I choose to have a baby and I don't have to work my family planning around my employer's preferences. If all goes to plan I will have baby #2 just a few months before I turn 35. Lots of women are having babies into their 30's and 40's these days.

When you are looking for a job there is absolutely no reason why you would tell a potential employer that you have a small baby at home. And it is illegal for them to ask you about your family life. So there is no reason why you couldn't get a job shortly after graduating and having a baby.

Newborns don't really cost much money, especially if you plan to breastfeed and cloth diaper, but you should still make sure you are stable and able to afford essentials and unforeseen costs.

 

[MindUtopia]

Is there any chance of taking time out from your PhD to have some time off, or what about if you do what you were thinking of and try to time your baby for around the time of graduation like you said, assuming you're pretty confident you can finish by then? I'm sure you know that academic jobs are few and far between so it's likely you'll be on the job market for a bit anyway, meaning you might as well make the most of being unemployed while your baby is small.

I was in a similar position at about your age. I'm now just entering year 7 of a PhD (finishing in 2 months! hooray!). I had my daughter when I was 32 and in the middle of my 4th year. I also have a history of cervical cell issues, though mine was the low grade kind, I had it removed by biopsy and I've not had any issues pop up since (that was about 6 years ago now). It honestly wasn't really even something I thought about when I got pregnant, though I know of course, it could always come back, but I didn't really worry about it. It's a little bit different because I was also working and I'm in the UK (though my university is in the U.S.), so I did qualify for 9 months paid maternity leave. But I had my daughter and took time off before I started my dissertation data collection for a year, and then went back to my PhD and work after that. I just took a leave of absence from my program which was perfectly fine to arrange and lots of people do it at my university. The only challenging thing about having a baby in the middle of your program is that you then need to be able to afford childcare to return and childcare is expensive. I've been fortunate to be able to manage it through a combination of my research grant funding, teaching work, and generous help from family when we had a few tough months. My daughter is 3.5 now and I've been back working on my PhD for 2.5 years now, with an aim to finish up in a couple months.

We plan to have a second baby in the next year or so (I'll be 36/37 then). I had planned it so I could use the time I was likely to be unemployed after I graduated as a maternity leave (my husband and I also run a business, so I would still be working up until baby arrived and I would still get maternity pay, again different, I know). But then I planned to use that 9 months at home to apply and interview for jobs with the aim to take up a full-time academic position after that. It's now turned out that I've been offered a job right away, so I'll be taking a postdoc position starting in October. We plan to TTC from December and then I'll just take off work for a year when that baby arrives. I know obviously maternity pay is an issue and you have to be able to survive, but don't feel guilty about taking time off at a new job. In my case, I'm taking a postdoc that is a 3-5 year commitment and I'll be away for a year right in the middle of it. I don't really care. My family comes first and it will still be there when I come back. It's my right. It's also your right and you've earned it. Lots of early career academics have babies and take time off and come back. You can even use that time to work on publications if you want (I have grand dreams of this, though I didn't do anything I'd planned on my last maternity leave). I wouldn't feel pressured into rushing things if you aren't ready, but at the same time, don't feel put off by the pressure to work, work, work, either. I know STEM is a slightly different boat (I'm in the social sciences), but even there, things are changing and becoming more family friendly. You'll find your way when the time is right.