gnomette
mummy of 2 an 2 angels x
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2008
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So this time last year I was rubbing my little man's foot out my ribs I was worrying about putting my daughter into pre-school (i decided to keep her at home in the end) I was looking forward to my 20week scan in just under a week putting up fb status saying how excited we were, how happy we all were my son couldn't wait he wanted a brother as dd was/is always wanting to play with his stuff an follows him every where he wanted a brother he could sit an play computer games with an he could teach him to fix things like daddy taught him x I arranged for my son to have the day off school x something I regret now we all walked up together kids excited jumping around sat in the waiting room I knew when we got in the room I knew when I heard silence from the machine something wasn't right but no picture came up so put it down to the woman being a dozy but I got a feeling a sick feeling in the pit of my heart that's when she asked if the tech could take my kids out to play an she said my baby had passed away x the rest of the day was a blur my dad came though an looked after the kids my mother was next to useless drunk already I was induced the next day things went really slowly pains on an off all day it got to 10.30pm an my husband was going to come home to get some clothes an a shower an something to eat but he hung on I think he knew something I didn't at 11pm the pains were getting stronger than they had been all day my son was born at 11.30pm on the 1st of May it was a bank holiday I held him until 1am just stared at him cried I couldn't imagine having to let go he was perfect he was 360g he was tiny he had the same wonky toe me his sister an his brother have i went back as often as I could I held him an spoke to him at least every other day we arranged his funeral we kissed him good bye we told him we love him an I still feel as much love for him now if not more than I did then so that was then an now I feel like I haven't achieved what I wanted that was to be pregnant by the time it was Elliott's 1st birthday it didn't happeniI still feel like I am just muddling through I still miss him an my heart still feels like its got something missing an today I can't stop crying or really believe its been almost a year x I know I don't reply much an I am not good at giving advice an I am sorry for that x tbh I am just lost an feel so lonely they both my best friends are pregnant an stear clear of me I don't talk bout Elliott all the time x an I actually am ok with them being pregnant not as excited as perhaps I should be but ok an I love spending time with them x but they just don't spend that much time here anymore x so I don't know what else to say an I have just realized this is a massive post sorry x
How I wish I had my little girl here.
