Who was at your birth?

[MrsK]

Now that I'm in third trimester, the reality of having to give birth seems to be hitting, and DH and I have been talking a little more about what we want/expect from labor and birth. I had sort of envisioned sitting in the birth pool, surrounded by my midwives, hubby, mom, sister, and two of my close friends-- just having some people around to help pass the time and distract me from the pain a bit. I really wouldn't want people around if I were on a bed with my legs up in the air, pushing, of course, but I thought that wearing a bikini top in the birth pool would save at least some of my dignity

Well, turns out DH was imagining the whole thing completely differently. He says he would feel awkward if anybody other than the midwives were there-- in his words, "It's like having people watch us have sex."
I thought he was being rather strange-- but apparently his point of view is more common than I thought-- because my midwife assured us that they often leave the room to give the couple privacy while she's laboring (of course they come back in as soon as they are called or when the pushing starts)..

Anybody have any insight? Now that I think about it, a quiet, peaceful labor with nobody around DOES sound pretty good... but at the same time, home birth is such a novelty to both our families and all our friends, that I really wanted to expose my mom and close friends to it a bit-- to show them how amazing it can be, and that hospitals are NOT the best place for an uncomplicated birth.

Of course, I won't know how I will really feel about all this until I'm in labor. If it happens in the middle of the night, I certainly wouldn't be calling a bunch of people up-- but if I'm in labor all day and it's going pretty slow, the way first-timers usually do-- then having people around sounds pretty good to me! I was at my BFF's birth a few weeks ago-- granted she gave birth at the hospital with an epidural, so she basically just relaxed on her bed all day, waiting to be dilated enough to start pushing-- but she had family and close friends coming and going all day, talking to her and just hanging out-- which I loved!

So, for those with some experience-- WIHOUT an epidural, is it impossible to enjoy those hours leading up to active labor? Did you feel like talking to friends?

 

[chuck]

My Mum had come to visit to help me look after our toddler, so when I was in labour she hubby and Dewi were around.

I did a fair bit of labouring without letting on, just getting on with my evening cooking/putting toddler to bed/tesco online shop/sent hubby to pub to watch footie/had a bath got into my PJ's etc

But when we called the MW's I got hubby back so I did the majority with my Mum, hubby and MW(s).

I transferred to hospital in the end and it was hubby (in and out of the room feeling sick or sitting with his head between his knees) and the MW(s).

I couldnt imagine having more than that around, having the 2 MW's, hubby and Ma was crowded enough.

Oh and up until 8cm when the MW arrived and examined me I was happy to be relaxing in my own home and doing normal things between contractions. Having distraction is brilliant I didnt even want any pain relief until well after the MW arrived and then dealt without a while as she didnt have a mouth piece for the gas and air LOL.

 

[sophisticat]

I spend most of the beginning of my labour alone. It was the middle of the night and although I woke my OH up to tell him what was going on and get him to bring me some cereal I sent him back to bed because I wanted to be alone. My mum was staying over the week as well and she came down in the night to see what was going on and I sent her back up as well.

I was fairly easygoing once active phase began. We were moving house the same day (seriously!) so my OH was busy sorting things out, and passing in and out of the house. We live with a lodger also who was moving with us and I was able to chat with them a bit between contractions but I had to insist on silence when I had a contraction. My mum was my main support through labour and I wanted her there once I stopped being able to talk/walk through contractions.

My mum and OH went to hospital with me (I had hospital water birth) and although i wanted my OH there, I knew he wouldn't be a great pratical support (he had no faith that I'd give birth without an epidural - ha, I showed him!) so I had invited my mum for that reason. My mum was good at giving me instructions such as to relax my shoulders and told me to get a grip when I panicked!

My OH doesn't get along with my mum and I knew he wouldn't be happy about her being there but I invited her anyway. He later told me he hated having her there and felt like she was "pushing in" but I don't regret ignoring him not wanting her there at all. I wouldn't have been able to have the birth I wanted without her.

 

[chuck]

^^^ I struggled with people trying to talk to me during contractions for a while. I didn't mind people talking quietly in the room but couldn't bear trying to concentrate on what they were saying to me,

I needed to go within and concentrate on my contractions when they came.

 

[lynnikins]

i had my DH , Mum , flatmate around during the day when i labor first time till i went into hospital then it was me and Mum and a student MW who followed me round like a pet lol DH arrived for the last 5 hrs or so it was nice having mum there to talk to but distracting too

for my second i was alone 90% of my labor and loved it, i read my book and just got on with it (in the hospital no epidural ) then after they checked me ( at my request ) i called the babysitter to take over from DH and let him come to the hospital and it was DH me 2 mws for the birth lol,

this time if i get my homebirth i'll be doing things around the house probably while in labor lol wanting to be left to deal with it lol and only involving MW's and DH when nessacary

 

[Mervs Mum]

Birth IS a sexual act. It's the culmination of a sexual act so it's right that it needs to feel intimate and private. What that means can be different to different people. Depending on how the couple want supporting I am often in a different room. To labour effectively y have to shut down the neocortex - the thinking part of the brain. The primitive part of your brain is where all the hormonal, instinctive stuff comes from and to labour instinctively ie like a mammal with no preconceptions or pre programmed fears, yu need to get into that primitive brain. Talking, light, observation etc stimulate that new, thinking (neocortex) part of the brain which increases adrenaline levels and adrenaline inhibits oxytocin, the labour hormone. So to have the 'perfect' labouring conditions, you should set the scene for love making! Low lighting, hushed voices, a feeling of being with those you completely trust and who will not observe/judge you. Adrenaline is infectious too!! The length of a labour is proportional to the adrenaline levels of those in the birth space ie mws, doulas, fathers, mothers and other birth companions. If they are excited, stressed, concerned, finding seeing yu working hard difficult, then THEIR adrenaline will affect the labouring woman.

 

[Mervs Mum]

As far as who was with me at my births, with all three it was just me and my husband. He felt exactly as your OH does and my sister/mum/friends would want to 'fix' things for me....well, for their own comfort really........and it ain't broken.

 

[NaturalMomma]

For the actual birth just DH, my mom, MW and MW assistant.

 

[MrsK]

thanks for all the replies and insight, girls! I still can't decide what I want.. and know that whatever I decide now, I will probably just change my mind later ;-)

 

[Mervs Mum]

And don't forget you can even change your mind on the day

 

[Bournefree]

I Think it is Wonderful and comendable you want to share your positive birthing experience with all those close to you.. keep in mind that once labour establishes itself you might have a real need to be more intimate; and not only with those around you, but with yourself. Many women naturally find a inner sense of themselves in labour and experience this going into yourself could be hindered by lots of distraction.
Also though, distraction can be brilliant in early labour, before your body totaly takes over - so you may welcome the distraction of those around you at that time.
It's just a case of seeing how you feel - and don't be afraid to tell people to leave, when it feels right.

I had with me for early labour, my OH, my mum and MW. I told my mum to leave (not that she was being a pain or anything), and even the MW for a few hours because, just as MM said, it is a very intimate experience and I felt better being alone with OH. I only called the MW back when I felt I needed to.
For the birth.. we perhaps had too many MWs (4) but his was because at home they like to have 2 MWs present at the point of birth and there was a shift change happening when I was so close to giving birth, so take over MWs were called in advance > not that I noticed! had my eyes closed and was deep in the birthing zone! - an amazing feeling!
XxX

 

[Kess]

OP, have you considered filming the birth? Then you can show your friends and family the video afterwards and share that way, if you decide (either in advance or on the day) that you don't want anyone but your DH there.

My plan is to have my DH, my Mom, and my sister (and the MW, of course), and my Dad will hang out upstairs. I have prewarned my family though that depending how I feel on the day they may be unceremoneously kicked out of the room/house lol.

 

[MrsK]

Filming is a good idea-- although that was another reason I wanted my sister there-- she's a photographer, and it would be nice to have a person there completely dedicated to pictures/video.
Although, I think DH would appreciate having something to do (filming/pictures), because he's worried about feeling out of place and helpless.... he's so afraid of seeing me in pain and not being able to do anything about it! I guess a typical male fear..

I think for now, I will probably let my mom, sister, and two friends know that they're welcome to come out to our house when I'm in labor if they would like-- but that they might not get to stay in the same room with me when it gets too intense or when I want to be left alone. I think I would like several hours of alone-time with baby before allowing other people to distract us, so I'm planning on informing people of that, as well.

 

[lynnikins]

i did tell my mum to F -Off while in labor she was bugging me lol she didnt take it personally

 

[Nikki_d72]

Can your DH come to some classes with you? Or learn acupressure or something, to give him an important job to do and then he can feel he's helping you? I think you're right, men usually want to fix it for you and may find it hard watching you in pain, but if he knows more about birthing naturally and has somethig to do that he feels will make it easier on you he will probably be fine on the day.

I agree with Merv's Mum, it is desirable to have some feeling of intimacy as the hormones you produce are the same ones as during sex, but it is a lovely thing you want to share your natural birth too.

As for a family member being a photographer, I think that would be hard to resist! If your sis was taking pics and your hubby was busy holding you or doing accupressure or similar then he shouldn't feeel shunted. A film would be lovely to have, too and he may be so absorbed in the moment he may not be able to film it.

Do you think your Mum would get upset seeing you work so hard, or would she be cheering you on? A mother figure can help to calm a woman down during labout too, but it depends on how you think she'll be, as MM said, adrenaline is infectious. I couldn't have my Mum anywhere near me - I showed her a bit of film of me just sitting up in hospital last time and she asked us to turn it off, she could see signs of pain on my face (actualy it was more fear - hospital - but there you go) and couldn't handle watching it! so I know she would stress the hell out of me and hinder me.

It all depends on how you are as a person too - my friend is a homebirther and natural birth advocate, and always has a bit of a party going on when she's birthing - lots of friends supporting her and all sorts, but she's not at all inhibited in daily life. I, on the other hand, am quite shy and inhibited at the best of times, so I know that wouldn't work for me at all, I'll need as much intimacy and privacy as possible. You will know where you sit normally and yes, you can change your mind at the last minute, as you won't really know how you will feel till the day.

Enjoy!

 

[lozzy21]

I had my mum and my OH. My OH at first was very much like yours, just wanted it to be me and him but i did put my foot down and asked him how many times he had given birth and how many births had be been to. I was the one having the baby not him so we were going to do it how i felt comfortable.

In the end he was glad my mum was there and so was i. I went into myself but enjoyed listening to them chat and have a laugh. It was a nice distraction but it wasn't irritating. If it had just been me and him i would have felt like i needed to talk to him or something. My mam for me was like having a doula, suggesting positions when i couldn't get comfortable, helping me stay relaxed and giving OH ideas on things he could do to help me relax too. None of which he wouldn't have been able to do in his own not because he was a bad birth partner, just because he had never been through it before.

 

[Saljae]

Well I for one, did not like being just me and my husband. So having been through it a couple times and knowing how I respond to it, I know that this time I want my mom, sister, and cousin who is my best friend to be there. I like having people that I know really well and feel safe with being there to remind me I'm not going to die. haha! It has been very painful for me and this is how I feel most comfortable. It doesn't feel like having sex in front of people to me. But everyone is different.

 

[Celesse]

If LO hadn't been a drama queen and had been born at home there would have been 2 midwives, OH, MIL and my mum there. As it was she had a high heart rate, and I ended up transfering and having a c-section..... so there was my mum there and a team of about 8-10 people in th theatre.

This time I'm aiming for OH, 2 midwives, a doula...and possibly LO, MIL, my mum if appropriate on the day.

 

[silver_penny]

First birth, don't know who or how many were in the room. It was a hospital transfer due to undiagnosed breech. MW didn't make it to the hospital in time (she missed the turn) and they refused to let DH in the room during delivery, though I was begging for him to be there. I felt alone although there were probably 5-10 people in the room, all strangers.

Second birth was just me and DH (that's right, no MW). Couldn't have been more perfect.

 

[Kess]

First birth, don't know who or how many were in the room. It was a hospital transfer due to undiagnosed breech. MW didn't make it to the hospital in time (she missed the turn) and they refused to let DH in the room during delivery, though I was begging for him to be there. I felt alone although there were probably 5-10 people in the room, all strangers.

Second birth was just me and DH (that's right, no MW). Couldn't have been more perfect.

Re. the bolded, WHY?? That's awful!