Why am i broken.......

[hedgewitch]

do you ever just feel like you are broken? i feel like i will never get a baby, i know i sound awful, i am truly greatful for having LM but i wish she hadn't been born sleeping,( gosh i sound so ungrateful) i know i had more than some of you ladies have had, and i am truly blessed to have had the short time with her that i did but to be honest i am so tired of this journey now, 16 m/c between 8-12 weeks, a ten week old ectopic and loss of tube and then to be given LM to only have her taken away due to the hospitals negligence, i just feel so tired, and now the clomid is messing with my ovulation, just as i got it straight they increase my dosage and i have had no positive ov on my monitor but all indicators suggest i have, temp, pain gone, etc, i just wish things were straight forward, 7 years is a long time to have been at this game, is there anyone who has been going longer? how do you cope? i feel like throwing it all in, the docs have given me 2 months before i am deemed infertile and they won't help us anymore, i just feel so broken
sorry girls, feeling sorry for myself.......

 

[mrphyemma]

Sounds like you have every right to feel sorry for yourself my love. What you have just described sounds like Hell on earth to me. You must be a very strong lady to cope with all that has been thrown at you over the years. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you that much longed for baby.
I already have 3 wonderful children and thank my lucky stars but would love to have another to finish of my brood. Sadly it hasn't been easy this time around. We have been trying without success for 14 months, to me this is a life-time so how you must feel after 7 years I can only imagine.
If there's any justice in this world you will get your baby. Sending you bucket loads of babydust xx

 

[sparkle83]

You shouldnt feel bad about being angry, or seeming ungrateful. I can't speak for the others, but I don't feel that you should feel awakward about losing your baby and feeling that we're deeming you ungrateful. At the end of the day, we're all in it for the same thing, a healthy, live child that we can watch grow up. I did read the other day about a woman who'd had loads of m/cs and then had a healthy baby (was on the bbc).
7 years is a long time, but yep, some of us are still at it. I'll be 0 babies for 10 years ttc on march 1st. It sucks, but what choice do I have but to keep going? I have a deadline of getting all my treatment done by the time I'm 30 (sept '13), and then we're moving on to adoption. Having this long term end date has made me a little less stressed about it all.

good luck hon, have they not been able to diagnose why so many losses?

 

[Blue12]

Sorry to hear about what you have been through. We have been ttc for almost 4 years and ntnp for 10. But we have never seen a bfp or experienced a loss - I think that must be much more trying. I have said to dh that after all this time if we ever get our bfp - I don't think I will survive if we had a mc...but like you have said and done - you must go on and keeping working to achieve the dream.

I wish you didn't feel "broken" but I think we all understand it and you deserve to let yourself feel all the feelings you are going through.

Best wishes for better times ahead of you.

 

[reedsgirl1138]

Oh Sam, I am so sorry for all your losses. I will keep you in my prayers daily. With faith and hope all things are possible. Your such a strong woman and believe in yourself and your body so much in just the short time I have spoken with you I can tell that. I know that you will prove them doctors wrong..and soon. Big HUGS to you sweetie

 

[babyloulou]

Oh hedge- I am so sorry! It is so awful that all this has happened to you! You really deserve a break!

As for your cycle- as I said yesterday in the Clomid club I don't think you've ovulated yet looking at your chart. Keep up the OPKs and BDing xxxx

 

[hedgewitch]

thanks girls, i truly feel a shit for moaning and complaining but sometimes i think i just feel weak, i let it get the better of me lol, but i am up again today raring to go lol, back on the horse so to speak
i think that we are an amazing bunch of women, what we have all been through in our own individual journeys, what i have been through is no worse or better than what you yourselves have been through, it just affects us the same, we all have the feeling of hopelessness and weakness from time to time, i think we are entitled to lick our wounds every now and then, but its the carrying on that makes us strong. i think it would be easier to walk away from it all, so we should all give ourselves a good pat on the back ladies, we are strong!!

 

[jojoD]

I think you are a remarkable lady. Your courage and strength to keep going should be an inspiration to all of us. I pray that within these next two months you'll get a sticky BFP. Lots of love and hugs

 

[DragonMummy]

You don't sound ungrateful at all. Ungrateful would be wishing for something unreasonable and wishing your baby had been born alive and healthy is not unreasonable.

Youre grieving hun. Don't feel guilty about it. Let yourself grieve. You lost a child and that is a HUGE thing to happen to anyone, and the fact that you never even had a chance to get to know her makes it even more cruel. Don't underestimate what has happened to you because it was hideous and you have every right to feel shit and empty and horrible.

 

[hedgewitch]

thanks girls, i truly don't know how i would cope if it wasn't for the support i get from you all, you are all amazing!!

 

[puppymom32]

So sorry for all you have been through. What a journey. I totally feel the same way that I have to broken. Best of luck to you. Big Hugs.

 

[BabyChristie]

As the other girls have said, if there is any justice at all you will get your longed for baby very soon. You have had one of the most difficult journeys and have every right to feel down at times.

I know how you feel about being 'broken' - sometimes I hate my body so much that I could quite happily throw it out the window and leave my mind behind because I feel it betrays me every month. It's the constant battle between my physical and emotional self which is exhausting.

It's a long, tortuous journey but I guess we have to keep believing that it will be worth it all in the end. Good luck honey - will keep everything crossed for you. xx