Why am I feeling like this now??!

[katy1310]

OK....so as many of you will know, I had Sophie back in March at 27 weeks by emergency c-section due to severe pre-eclampsia. She spent 12 weeks in neonatal, which we somehow got through and coped with better than we had expected, and she has been home for 8 weeks tomorrow. I love her more than I can even describe and I feel as if I have bonded with her really well. So why am I feeling so down?

I've been feeling like this for the past couple of weeks - almost like it's all just hitting me now. When I had Sophie, although it was really hard and upsetting not even getting a glimpse of her for 24 hours after she was born, I was just so relieved that she was ok after 2 weeks of not even knowing if she would make it. But now, I am feeling so upset that I missed out on that whole having her handed to me and getting the first cuddle straight away and being able to breastfeed her right from the start etc. I think it's maybe because a lot of my friends are having babies just now and seeing them go full term then seeing the first photos etc is kind of making it hit home.

I worry in case Sophie feels anything after missing out on those weeks of being inside me, lying on her own in her incubator without cuddles etc. I worry about how she might feel about the whole thing even though I know she was too tiny to even know and she'll never remember. I know I'm just being daft.

Sophie is doing so well, she's happy and healthy and so loved so I don't know why I feel like this. She smiles all the time, rarely cries, sleeps well, is the picture of health so I don't know why I'm worried in case it has affected her. I get scared in case she doesn't know I'm her mummy and in case she thinks the neonatal nurses were her mummies, I know that sounds stupid though. But at the same time I can see she recognises me and looks pleased to see me, and when someone else is holding her, her eyes are often fixed on me, following me round the room. When she first sees me when she has been sleeping or with her daddy while I've been away in another room or something, she goes really wide eyed and stares at me then smiles so she must recognise me!

Sometimes when I look at her I feel heartbroken that she had that start to life, and I could do nothing to protect her from it when I should have been able to. I feel upset that I don't know what it's like to go full term, have a baby that is handed straight to you and you get to bring home straight away and start bonding.

Sometimes I even feel as if we have adopted her, even though I am a bit ashamed to admit that. I feel as if all those weeks and weeks of waiting for her coming home were like waiting to adopt and then bringing a baby home 12 weeks after I gave birth was just like what it would be like if we'd adopted her because it was so long since I'd been pregnant I'd forgotten I was even pregnant at all.

And I get really upset when I see facebook friends complaining day after day about going overdue (or even being 33, 34 weeks and wanting the baby out in some cases!) and even complaining the whole way through their pregnancy about kicks keeping them awake at night etc - I'd have given anything to have my pregnancy go on longer than 27 weeks.

Aaaaaaargh - I love Sophie soooooooo much and I'm so happy having her home and being a mummy, so why on earth do I feel like this now? I coped all the way through neonatal!

 

[AP]

Hey hunny

The minute we put Alex in the carseat and said goodbye to Simon, I started crying. I cried all the way home. Which was mental, because I was finally getting her home, I should have been happy. The realisation of the things we were doing in those last 12 weeks slapped me in the face. We wouldnt have to go to neonatal every day anymore. We wouldnt see those familiar faces of the nurses.

I know what you mean, the adopted part. At first Alex didnt feel like mine. And oh my god, I was a very very bitter woman. I'd hear someone moan in their 3rd tri and i'd be furious, so furious Katy. I distanced myself from the 3rd Tri section because you'd hear members moaning about how big they were, how small they were, why they wanted a certain type of birth - when to us, all it narrowed down to was as long as baby survived then NOTHING else mattered.

As time went on and Alex was achieving milestones, I used to post them on Facebook, only for some twat with a full termer to reply "oh, my LO has been doing that for weeks now". Aye, cheers for raining on my parade with your big mahooooosive baby!

But as she got bigger the feelings went away. We thought of the neonatal with fondness, not with terror, because that place made Alex who she was. Her personality started shining through and I think it was then, when she started doing all the mad things, that I realised "OMG she really is mine!"

And those that are lucky enough to have full termers will never, ever understand, unless they have been where we are. Secretley, our babies are more special than them They will have more fight than they will ever have.

And Sophie will have made u and OH look at life differently im sure, her experience has not only made her what she is today, but made you both who you are today as well.

 

[Anna_due Dec]

i too felt like my 27 weeker wasn't mine. I don't now though, it definitely passes. People often tell me how i "cheated" and i just think "are you kidding?!?!" We have all been ripped off. They are meant to hand you your completely healthy baby seconds after its born while you marvel at it's beauty, not whip it away from us and then have us spend many weeks longing for a cuddle while staring through a plastic humidity crib. I found that no one did the normal birth things like give me flowers or baby presents, like they were waiting to see what would happen and i understand but it sucks. I had a full term baby for my first, so i could really see the difference in peoples reactions. Also people couldn't just say congratulations but if they did, even i felt like it was the wrong word. It is absolutely crappy and we deserve the right to grieve our stolen moments of motherhood. But, it does get better. My son is 4 and as i've said in other posts, it's like a bad dream. I can't relate my beautiful healthy boy to that terrible experience. We missed out on a some important stuff but there is so much more that we haven't missed and we do get to experience. You just have to let it go...but when you're ready xoxoxo

 

[divadexie]

((((hugs))))
She won't remember those early days, they will be long forgotten as she has so much love from you both and all your family.
I feel a bit like that too... a friend of mine was due the day after annas due date and it was weird to look at her and think ''i should be that big'', another friend due shortly after and another one due in a week.


You will always have those memories and pictures to share with Sophie when she is older, to show her how special and strong she was (and is!)

xxx

 

[25weeker]

I think in the hospital we spend all our time wanting them to get well so they can come home. I have found since being home i have thought a lot on everything that has happened and feel incredibly sad and guilty. I guess we are grieving for the pregnancy and birth we never had.

I also have friends who are pregnant and it's hard when they are in their 3rd tri as I never got there. I am also sad of the fact I will never have a normal pregnancy because if I was to do it again it would be extremely stressful worrying if it's going to happen again.

Time is a great healer and one day you will look back and not be sad about it

xx

 

[New2Bumps]

I have found since being home i have thought a lot on everything that has happened and feel incredibly sad and guilty. I guess we are grieving for the pregnancy and birth we never had.

I certainly had this, and so can imagine with such a special early baby as 25wks or around that time it must be tenfold. xx

 

[katy1310]

Thank you everybody - it's so nice to have people understand. People who haven't been in our position just think I had it easy, getting to meet my baby early, not having to go through the final stages of pregnancy, not having to give birth to a big baby.....I actually get complete strangers in the street saying this to me! But 25 weeker is totally right, I am grieving the loss of all that.

I feel like I can't even believe that Sophie is the same baby that was inside me all those weeks ago.

I have had facebook friends saying they want to request a c section because it's the easier option - but the way I had it was so not the easier option - emergency c section, not getting to see Sophie for 24 hours after it, not even a glimpse. And then having to travel 120 miles each day to visit her while still trying to recover. I don't even think a c-section is an easy option at the best of times.

And I have just made the very difficult decision to stop breastfeeding which I think hasn't been helping matters. I've been struggling with it for a while now (25 weeker, thank you for all your support with it, I really appreciated it!) but the time has come now when it's been stressing me out too much. I think I tried to hang onto it so long because it was the one thing that really made me feel like Sophie's proper mummy but it was getting to the point where I was having to top up pretty much a whole formula feed after feeding her for an hour, then eventually I was just expressing morning and night for her and all the other feeds were formula. My supply was pretty much away to nothing but even last night I was still thinking should I try to get it back. I feel a bit happier now I've made the decision to stop and decided to stop beating myself up about it. She's had 20 weeks of breastmilk, even if only about 15 weeks of it were pure breastmilk so that's better than nothing. It's definitely a good start and more than I ever expected to be able to do.

I had a good talk with my mum, and she made me feel a lot better. I was saying about how I worry about Sophie lying on her own in the incubator and that maybe stopping any bonding, but she said that Sophie would hear our voices every day when we spent all day visiting, and would know it was us stroking her etc which she wouldn't have had in the womb so she said we have probably even bonded more. She said you can see that Sophie absolutely adores her daddy and me, and that we have a really strong bond despite everything. She also says she has never seen a happier more contented little baby and she must feel really secure and loved so I feel lots better after hearing my mum say that.

THank you all again for your lovely replies.

 

[AP]

Katy, she was never lonely.

Simon was singing to her and you know it!!!!!

You sound just like me, I was expressing but had to stop after 15 weeks, and do you know what, she got the ideal start!! So don't worry. I felt guilty for a few days but suddenly happier.

 

[katy1310]

Awwww yes, I'd forgotten Simon was singing to her....and stealing cuddles every time he passed when she was in HDU, even when he wasn't looking after her! Mind you, in one of my more ridiculous moments yesterday I said to DH "What if she thinks Simon is her mummy?"!!!!!!!!

I do feel happier in a way now that I've made my decision regarding the bf - I think I keep forgetting that she had breastmilk for 4.5 months, not just the time I've been struggling with it since she has been home...

 

[New2Bumps]

Well done for breastfeeding for so long, wow, what a brilliant start.
Like you, I expressed (Ethan was tried once after birth to bf and then they wouldn't let me try again saying he was in such need of feeds so they bottle fed him, and I had to battle to get them to use my ebm...) and I was expressing then topping up with formula and my supply just didn't get going. I went back and forth beating myself up and eventually had to make a final decision to stop, but he'd had a good start on b'milk and had the colostrum and he's such a healthy boy now, so he's had the most important stuff - just like your little one.

 

[Sherri81]

Quite honestly, I think what you are feeling now is absolutely normal! And keep in mind, you can still be dealing with post partum depression (it doesn't matter that she was born months and months ago), or, as in my case, you could have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Not feeling like she is yours is completely normal. You didn't have a normal birth or delivery, and you do need to grieve that. Other people don't and won't understand what you have been through. You won't believe the sorts of rude/insensitive comments people will make about the birth you had. They will think it was easy delivering a small baby ( I got this too even though I vaginally delivered Greg. I still had to dilate to 10 cm and push people!! ). They will think you must have had a GREAT time not getting up every 2 hours in the night because the nurses were doing your job for you. They don't realize that for those of us who stayed in the hospital, we DID get up every 2 hours, then 3 hours, to feed the baby OR for those that were pumping, you still had to get up throughout the night due to engorgement and to try and establish a supply. People just don't get it. We even had people kind of slyly pulling Greg's blankets aside while we were in line at the store, becuase they heard he'd be born deformed and was missing a leg and an arm!! Seriously?!?!? They automatically assumed that a preemie would have to be deformed, and were surprised to find that he looked like a normal little boy!

Yes, it is aggravating, depressing etc etc when people post on facebook that they wish the baby would just be out already!! And they are only 33 weeks! I couldn't tell you what I would have given to have had my baby safe inside of me at 33, 34 weeks and up. Even now, with this pregnancy, if I make it to 26 weeks... I'll be ecstatic!! What kind of goal is that... really?!?! That is MY reality now since having had such a preterm birth before. When they bitch about going overdue, I just want to slap them... but after 6.5 yrs of dealing with this, I've learned its best to just ignore and turn the other cheek as best as you can.

And if you are ever pregnant again, and on bedrest, you will get all sorts of people telling you it must be great to be able to rest so much!! Yes.... because not being able to feed myself or my child and relying on neighbours and family to do this is just stupendous!! People just don't get it!!

You do need to grieve everything that has happened to you. It wasn't the type of birth you learned about in the school health class. There wasn't a fat cuddly baby being handed to you seconds after the uncomplicated birth. Thereprobably weren't many cards or flowers, because people didn't know whether to congratulate you or send you condolences. You don't get wheeled out after a day or two, with a newborn in your carrier, and people smiling at you. You don't get any of that, and you need to mourn this. You can't expect to feel that this is the norm when for your whole life, you were led to believe something else would happen.

I can't speak for those who've had normal births before having a prem, or those that have had a normal birth after a prem... I can only speak for myself, but this anger and depression and pain over Greg's preterm birth have not disappeared fully. I don't dwell on it every day, and we do get on with our day to day stuff... but maybe because of this issues I've had with trying to have another child... the pain about his birth is still there. I think it is just compounded now because I KNOW that will never be me complaining about the overdue birth and getting handed that fat newborn. I've lost too many babies since Greg was born, and this pregnancy is so high risk... I won't ever get that experience. So perhaps this is why I still feel guilt, pain, depression about it etc.

It will lessen over time, but you have to remember, what you are feeling is normal. But please, be aware of the signs that things are getting worse. Apparently, post partum depression occurs in a higher rate of mothers with preterm babies.

 

[Bec L]

It's totally understandable the way you're feeling hun. My situation wasn't half as bad as yours with Poppy but for weeks/months after she was home I could not talk about our experience of her being early and in Special Care without crying. And like you I would feel so tramatised by the fact she was taken away from us and put in an incubator straight after her birth. I also had major issues with ever leaving her (still do now!) which I think was as a result of those early weeks.

Having Florrie at (almost) term and being able to cuddle her for AGES after she was born brought it all back to me, despite the fact I felt unbelievable lucky that this time round our situation was so different.

One thing that really got to me that I read on Facebook while Poppy was still in hospital, was that I was 'lucky' as she'd be in a great routine by the time she came home

 

[Natalia2010]

Hey hunny

The minute we put Alex in the carseat and said goodbye to Simon, I started crying. I cried all the way home. Which was mental, because I was finally getting her home, I should have been happy. The realisation of the things we were doing in those last 12 weeks slapped me in the face. We wouldnt have to go to neonatal every day anymore. We wouldnt see those familiar faces of the nurses.

I know what you mean, the adopted part. At first Alex didnt feel like mine. And oh my god, I was a very very bitter woman. I'd hear someone moan in their 3rd tri and i'd be furious, so furious Katy. I distanced myself from the 3rd Tri section because you'd hear members moaning about how big they were, how small they were, why they wanted a certain type of birth - when to us, all it narrowed down to was as long as baby survived then NOTHING else mattered.

As time went on and Alex was achieving milestones, I used to post them on Facebook, only for some twat with a full termer to reply "oh, my LO has been doing that for weeks now". Aye, cheers for raining on my parade with your big mahooooosive baby!

But as she got bigger the feelings went away. We thought of the neonatal with fondness, not with terror, because that place made Alex who she was. Her personality started shining through and I think it was then, when she started doing all the mad things, that I realised "OMG she really is mine!"

And those that are lucky enough to have full termers will never, ever understand, unless they have been where we are. Secretley, our babies are more special than them They will have more fight than they will ever have.

And Sophie will have made u and OH look at life differently im sure, her experience has not only made her what she is today, but made you both who you are today as well.

This sounds so familiar...

I felt the same way with my 28 weeker (who is now almost 8). Bonding was very difficult for me because I was afraid to get too close to him as he might not make it.

It was not easy, I can't lie about that, they are a bit behind and will need some catching up, but they are fighters and trust me, that toughness will follow them thier entire life.

My 28 weeker is now almost 8 and has a strong personality, he rarely gets sick and when he does he never whines. He's so tough, his pain tolerance is astronomical. He had an abcess tooth we had to find because he just mentioned he needed to go the Dentist (he wasn't crying, he just said "mom you probably need to make a Dentist appointment for me soon). WoW! My other kids would have been screaming, so would have I.

He has a perasonality to match, it's like he knows things, I really can't explain it. He's so in tune with thoughts and feelings of people. He relates to old people really well.

Anyway, don't be down, our babies have a rough start, but in the long run I think that will help them achieve much bigger things in life.

 

[Miss_d]

I havent been in your posistion just wanted to give u all The ladies who are near the end of their pregnancy and are desparate for their babies to come out really should read what you all have went through and they should just enjoy their pregnancies without the worry you ladies have,

 

[Millnsy]

This post has really struck a chord with me. Maddie was born at 34 weeks which is nowhere near what some of you ladies have been through. But I often feel cheated about the first cuddles and the first feed which just didn't happen. Her first feed was formula from a cup and my first experience of breastfeeding was a bloody machine! I think we go into shock and have a coping mechanism when we are going through it all but once its over and done with and you are back at home you can start to mourn what you have missed out on.

You MUSN'T feel guilty and she will not remember any of it. All she will know is that she is so totally amazingly loved and that is all that anyone needs.

Thank you for this thread, its helped me get some things straight in my mind.

 

[alibaba24]

I fel similar after getting rosalie home i felt gutted i missed all the excitement the labour the build getting to bring my little bundle home but then I just thank god shes here and try and forget her stay in scbu it must have been alot more draining 12 weeks. My bond with rosalie gets stronger all the time and i think what ur feeling is normal xxx

 

[lizziedripping]

Hi Katy. Saw this post late, but just wanted to say I totally know where you're coming from, and even now 6yrs on I feel a sense of loss and sadness at the birth of my daughter at 24wks. She made it and is happy and healthy, but I still feel it - and no one else really understands the sense of missing out on a full term pregnancy.

I recently had twins born at 38wks weighing 9 and 7Ibs, and it wasn't until I held them in my arms that I can truly say I buried some of my past traumas. They were very therapeutic.

No offense to the many women who are 30wks plus and complaining about the discomfort of pregnancy, but I too found that hard to read. I was massive in the twin pregnancy right from 25wks, but not one day did I complain or feel fed up because I was so thrilled to keep those bubbas baking week on week. Each week was a celebration for us, and every ache, pain and sleepless night far easier than anything I had to experience when our baby was in intensive care.

I was probably the same before I experienced a premature baby, so I can't really condemn anyone, but it is sooo hard to see women getting to term, holding their healthy babies when you have missed out on that. What's worse is when those same ladies have been wishing their pregnancy away - but then they just don't know what we have been thru.

DOn't be hard on yourself darlin, you have been to hell and back to bring your little one home - it is bound to take its toll. And take it from me my sweet when I say, your day will come, and you will have your turn at a full term pregnancy. That's what I longed for, snd look what happened to me - 16Ibs of baby!!! Careful what you wish for xxx