Why am I not sad?

[AlwaysPraying]

I'm a little weirded out at my own reaction. I just had a D&C two days ago after a fatal chromosome diagnosis at 14 weeks. I've cried over this time and been sad and upset, but now that its' all over I don't feel sad. I feel like I learned so much from this baby that it's made me stronger. I feel like this baby deserves to be honoured and remembered, not pitied. I almost feel like I'm glad that I went through all this because it was so incredibly powerful in every way.

I am relieved it's over, that baby is in a better place, I know that's a lot of it right now. But I also know that this was babies life and there's no changing that. He was here for 14 weeks, so I don't feel sad that he won't be born in November, or have a first birthday. He was never intended to do that.

It's just so NOT what everyone else is saying. I feel like I should feel this horrible grief and sadness. That I should want him to live, and of course I do! I wish that this baby was healthy and could have lived a full long life. I wish I wasn't carrying a sick baby, of course. But what happened to me and to him, happened, and it was the way it was.

Am I making sense, or has this experience made me loonie?

 

[Pops]

It made perfect sense to me and I totally understand what you are saying.

Don't let what other people say make you feel bad for feeling differently to them or how they think you should feel. You have lived this. You are the one that went through it and how you deal with it is your choice.

I am very sorry for your loss and I think you are an incredibly strong person

xxx

 

[Sovereign]

I'm so sorry for your loss hun. But people cope in different ways so don't worry that you think you should feel different. Like Pops said you seem an incredibly strong person x

 

[borntobeamum]

Please dont feel like you are a loonie, you are not at all.

Everyone reacts differently to everything that happens to them.

I totally know what you mean though, Yes I am sad that I wont have my Gillian with me, and would do anything for things to have been different, but I know that it was not meant to be.

It may hit you when you least expect it, or it may not, there is no write or wrong way to get through this, take each day as it comes, and feel every emotion no matter what they are.

Lauraxxxx

 

[orange-sox]

Sweetheart

Everyone reacts to this sort of situation... and while for some people a miscarriage is a sudden thing, it might be that because you've already cried for your baby, and had time to grieve, that you're feeling a lot of peace knowing that your baby is now at rest.... if that makes sense.

No matter what we're all here for you xxx

 

[soulsister]

I agree with what the personn above said. It may hit you at some point, but it just goes to show how strong us girlies all are in the end.

You did the ultimate act of motherhood by letting you lo go and not putting him through a life (if he actually made it to term) of pain.

After my tx for fatal genetic disorder I actually felt sooo relieved for quite a while. No more hospital appointments, or worry about what the next scan would say etc. My body did what it should have done and let him go to a better place.

I'm not sayiing there wont be moment, or even days or weeks ahead where you dont feel sad, but for now take each day as it comes. Allow yourself time to grieve as and when it is right for you.

You are amazing and never forget that...you are not a loonie - lol

Laura x

 

[AlwaysPraying]

Thanks guys. Strangely enough, I dreamt all last night about it and the emotion in it was of sadness. I don't remember the dreams but just remember it was about the boy and it was always sad. I guess maybe my mind is doing what it needs to in it's own time.

Your bang on soulsister, no more appointments, no more fear of another devastating test result, no more horrible information to come on the next scan. I didn't think of it like that, but your totally right. It's so much nicer and calmer now knowing that he's fine now, healthy and doing his thing.

I think that the sadness might come in time. The more time that passes maybe. Kind of like, it was just a sad situation all around, for baby, for me, for his dad, for my family, for everyone.

 

[Las78]

Hun, I think everyone deals with it differently. I think maybe you grieved a little before hand too, maybe it was the fact you were preparing for what was going to happen or maybe it's yet to really sink in.

Whatever it is I think you're being really strong and quite amazing, just take good care of yourself x

 

[susan_1981]

Everyone experiences different emotions after a miscarriage, you are obviously looking at this in a positive light which is fantastic. I felt sad but not as sad as a lot of girls on here feel. I felt more sad for the fact that I wasn't going to become a mum in July and I felt sad for my husband. I did feel absolutely awful for a while but I just started to focus on trying again and I always believe everything happens for a reason. My baby just wasn't meant to be.

Glad you are feeling positive. It's a good way to be xxx

 

[babytots]

it makes total sense hunni. i felt like you did after my 2nd loss which was also a d+c.

my first loss was horrible it was a natural misscarriage and i hated it but with my 2nd it was so much more peaceful and when i woke up from the general i just felt at peace with myself and my baby. i did grieve alot dont get me wrong but like you say i knew my baby was in a better place.

with jessica it has been completely different and i cant seem to stop grieving and i dont feel at peace with myself or jessica as i had gotten so far this time. i guess what i'm trying to say is each loss is different and what you are feeling is perfectly normal. theres no set rules on how you should or shouldnt feel and i am glad that you are feeling ok sweetheart. x

 

[Maria8505]

I too had a m/c at around 9 weeks. I felt very sad...but after learning about why it happened, it has helped me cope with it. There was absolutely nothing you can do to prevent a m/c. I undestarnd the feeling of feeling guilty for not grieving like people expect you too. You know you did what you could to keep your baby safe...and nature decided that it wasn't time. You can't argue with nature.

 

[Foogirl]

I felt the same way both times I miscarried. It was unpleasant and there was some sadness, but the overwhelming feeling was, nature had deemed each of those pregnancies to be "faulty" and in my mind it was better they not continue.

I spent a while wondering if I was heartless and uncaring but realised in the end, both myself and my husband are logical, scientific type people and that was why we were able to rationalise it the way we did. There might also have been an element of self protection involved. I do think though, having had a child now, I may feel differently the next time round. But perhaps not.

None of this is to say people are wrong for being more emotional than we were, just that different people deal with things in different ways. Don't feel guilty for not feeling bad about it, it doesn't make you a bad person, and you certainly aren't alone.

 

[Lara+sam+bump]

I havent had my d and c yet, its tomorrow. But I found I was a wreck for 3 days after finding out, but now I figure I just have to get on with it, ive got a 2 year old, my own buisness and a new puppy all to deal with and although the baby was so wanted and I was so excited and baby was planned and it would have been so perfect had it all gone right. But now I dont feel the deep deep sorrow I orginally felt, its now a sense of grave disapointment, to the point of it being a physical ache. But I worry everyone thinks I dont care because im not sobbing all over the place or ringing people in tears. Although I find it all easier to talk about, than think about, when your alone and its quiet is when it hits me xxx

 

[Jenna1984]

I havent had my d and c yet, its tomorrow. But I found I was a wreck for 3 days after finding out, but now I figure I just have to get on with it, ive got a 2 year old, my own buisness and a new puppy all to deal with and although the baby was so wanted and I was so excited and baby was planned and it would have been so perfect had it all gone right. But now I dont feel the deep deep sorrow I orginally felt, its now a sense of grave disapointment, to the point of it being a physical ache. But I worry everyone thinks I dont care because im not sobbing all over the place or ringing people in tears. Although I find it all easier to talk about, than think about, when your alone and its quiet is when it hits me xxx

I was exactly the same, the first three days were pretty horrendous (I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks) but now it's like a calm acceptance. I kind of regret telling all members of our family, because now people are constantly calling and texting. It may seem to them that i am a bit cold about it but really i am just done with talking about it. I also haven't had management of the mc, I was hoping for natural mc but it's been 5 days and the wait is
horrendous.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you will get through this and be rewarded in the future xxx

 

[sassyclassy]

I'm a little weirded out at my own reaction. I just had a D&C two days ago after a fatal chromosome diagnosis at 14 weeks. I've cried over this time and been sad and upset, but now that its' all over I don't feel sad. I feel like I learned so much from this baby that it's made me stronger. I feel like this baby deserves to be honoured and remembered, not pitied. I almost feel like I'm glad that I went through all this because it was so incredibly powerful in every way.

I am relieved it's over, that baby is in a better place, I know that's a lot of it right now. But I also know that this was babies life and there's no changing that. He was here for 14 weeks, so I don't feel sad that he won't be born in November, or have a first birthday. He was never intended to do that.

It's just so NOT what everyone else is saying. I feel like I should feel this horrible grief and sadness. That I should want him to live, and of course I do! I wish that this baby was healthy and could have lived a full long life. I wish I wasn't carrying a sick baby, of course. But what happened to me and to him, happened, and it was the way it was.

Am I making sense, or has this experience made me loonie?

Hi. I really appreciated your post because you are describing pretty much how I feel. I recently miscarried, and sometimes I feel like a bad person because other people I know seem sadder than I am about it. My fiance and I were looking to get married, and re-locate to an area where we both would likely be gainfully employed. Then I found out I was pregnant, and I was told previously I couldn't, so I was shocked, and very overwhelmed. He doesn't have a FT job and I am currently supporting both of us. I've a good job, but knowing that was stressful. I did my best to do all of the right things while I was pregnant, eat right, relax, etc., but it didn't work out. I'd never been pregnant, before. Even when I was pregnant, I didn't feel like I was feeling the same as others' do in my position-like how you're supposed to. It's difficult to be a woman w all of these expectations as to how to feel/act, etc. Even getting engaged was interesting, bc people seem to be disappointed w my reaction. I'm more inclined to be quietly contented than excited much of the time. My sisters are very girly, and I am not. I've often felt like my entire life I'm disappointing people as I am not showing people what they want to see in terms of reaction. I feel like although I don't know for sure what happened, there was probably a reason you're describing as to why the baby didn't survive. I do feel like it made me stronger as a person, and what happened has made me more mature and compassionate.