Why did I think this pg was going to be different?

[dairymomma]

So this isn't my first time at this particular rodeo. When it comes to spotting and bleeding in the first tri, I've been there, done that too many times to not know what this could mean.

BUT that doesn't mean I'm not nervous and anxious and trying to convince myself of every possibility in the books that could explain this watery brown discharge I'm having at 5+2.

My history is such that bleeding in the first tri is pretty much a regular thing. I've bled with every pregnancy I've ever had except DSs but I'd hoped the year and a half break, the hormone cleanses, the special vitamins, the dr visits, the new meds, the everything would mean this pregnancy would be complication free. I knew better though.

So I guess I'm just venting more than anything. I don't need all the tried and true facts trotted out because goodness knows I've said them often enough to others as well as to myself (eg. 'it could be IB coming out' or 'it is normal to spot in early pg') so please don't say them to me. I already know them all and in this case, I'm hoping/praying/FXing that this really was just IB coming out. And I also had this exact same thing happen with LO's pg. Watery brown discharge at 5+2 and I bled daily after that for 6 weeks. So I know this literally could be nothing.

I also know it might not. Eleven other times, it wasn't and this might be twelve.

I'm just needing to get this off my chest in the one place I know women will understand my fears. I've told my sister and my sil that I'm spotting but they both don't 'get it' because they haven't had 11 miscarriages and bleeding in their successful pregnancies like I have. DH knows but he's clueless as to what I need from him aside from him telling me to take it easy.

What I need most is someone to tell me it's okay to be scared and nervous and fearful but also hopeful. What I need is someone to understand that I'm feeling a whole range of emotions right now that make it hard to make sense of any of this. What I need is someone to lend a listening ear and simply let me get this out. What I need is someone who can understand why I'm struggling to stay hopeful and excited even as I'm prepping myself for another loss. What I need is someone to know why this is such a hard place to be in-Limbo Land where I do not know if I should hope or not.

And I know I'll get that here. PARL is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and with my history, it's even more nervewracking because bleeding really doesn't mean the end. I guess I'm just wanting to get this out of my head and get it out there because I don't have anyone who truly understands what I'm feeling right now IRL. A vent in a place with women who know that all I want is some encouraging words and a few hugs.

 

[ReadynWaiting]

I think everything you are feeling is normal and natural for someone who has experienced as much loss as you have. It's scary as f*#% to be PARL even when there is nothing scary happening. The fact that you are having spotting of some sort would cause anyone to freak out.
On another note I think hope is all that we have. It's what keeps us on this crazy ride because we know what could be at the end of this journey. I have felt pure devastation for the past 2 weeks and miss my son desperately but I can't help but think I will ttc again and believe I will have a happy ending.
I hope for you a happy ending because my goodness you have had a long road to get here...again. You are not alone and there is always a sympathetic ear to listen.

 

[dairymomma]

Oh goodness, Ready. I'm SO sorry about your son. MASSIVE

And thank you for your kind words. They mean so incredibly much to me, especially when you took the time to respond despite your own grief.

Mostly, I just needed to vent. DH wasn't supportive, my family doesn't understand, and all I ever get from those around me is 'since you can't know what's happening, why worry?' type suggestions. I am well aware that it will either happen or not but knowing that doesn't help me relax. And I just needed to get that out because there is literally NO ONE in my real life right now who truly understands the mental strain this means for me.

But thank you again. I know you haven't had it easy either and I'm hoping, wishing, praying we both have our dreams come true soon. again and I'm sending prayers to you and your family.

 

[StillPraying]

Hey hon I just want to give I know how you're feeling. I feel like there is no "safe point" in pregnancy for me anymore. But I decided I would take it one day at a time and I would enjoy it. For as long as I have this little bean I'll enjoy it. I'm sorry you are stressed and that you don't have people around who can understand the fear and the not knowing, it's such an awful Rollercoaster that no one wants to be on. I started a Fall rainbows thread if you'd like to join

 

[dairymomma]

Thanks. I did see your thread and I've started a 'Hi, I'm Dairymomma' post about eight times but I'm a bit gunshy about joining threads until I've had at least one ultrasound to confirm viability. I've had to un-join so many I'd rather just wait a bit longer til I feel more comfortable and then pop in. But FX I'll be there in a few weeks.

I've had more spotting and bleeding today and it's red and dark brown. Feeling uncomfortable and not sure what to make of it. It's very similar to what I had with LO's pg (so similar I'm starting to bleed the exact same way at the exact same gestation as I did with her. Weird...) so I know this doesn't necessarily mean the end but it's hard not to try preparing for it anyway.

I should get another set of betas and progesterone levels tomorrow morning and if they are high enough, I'm calling for an emergency scan. I need to know if there is a viable pg here or not.

 

[StillPraying]

I think it's definitely justifiable to request a scan with the amount of bleeding. I know I'd be a hot mess with any bleeding! I'll be praying your betas come out perfectly tomorrow

 

[dairymomma]

My betas are more than perfect. With a 48 hour doubling time from my last beta, I should have had 3000. My beta was 6874!!! I've NEVER had my betas double every 48 hours beyond 5 weeks so to see it that high is incredible.

And so far, the bleeding has stopped. This is going very much like LO's pg where I had spotting/bleeding/cramping for a few hours nearly every day from 5+2 to 10+6 and if that's the case, I can deal with it. It's the not knowing that scares me but I see my naturopath in a few hours and will be calling for a scan right after that appt.

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Dairy that is amazing! I am praying this is your rainbow.

 

[StillPraying]

Yay I'm so happy to hear your numbers are so good!!!

 

[dairymomma]

They got me in for a scan today. Gestational sac measures 5+5, yolk sac is visible, and there is a little flicker of something too.

She couldn't get a good enough angle to get a measurement and the flicker was hard to get a read on because my pulse was showing up stronger but there was def the start of a fetal pole.

I'm fine with this because I knew my dates and when bubs implanted and I could have been anywhere from 5+4 to 6+2 today (based on measurements). Whew...

 

[ReadynWaiting]

Amazing news! Do you have another scan booked?

 

[dairymomma]

Yep. Next wednesday. I'll be 7+2 according to my dates but we'll see what bubs actually measures.

 

[StillPraying]

So exciting to get an early scan!

 

[dairymomma]

SO pissed right now. After almost two weeks of no spotting, the pink staining is back. I'm feeling some discomfort too. I'm not happy.

I was finally feeling better about things.
I was finally starting to hope again.
I was finally thinking 'Maybe, just MAYBE, things will be okay the rest of this pregnancy.'

And my uterus decides to throw me a curveball.

Seriously, SO over this whole early pregnancy rollercoaster crap I have to deal with.

I'm currently feeling sick, cold, pissed off, and slightly crampy/feeling pressure down there. Pink staining has shown up two nights in a row and it took most of the day to go away as it was. I was FX it was gone but it's not.

It's like if this is another loss, then let's just get it over with.
If not, then why does my body keep doing this to me?!

 

[StillPraying]

our bodies are cruel and pregnancy is mind boggling. I'm sorry the pink has shown up again. Fx it goes away soon. When is your next appointment?

 

[dairymomma]

So last night I had a bit more pink, then clear goo with brown streaks in it and a small dab of a darker colored red. Then it eased off and was almost gone by bedtime.

This morning there were pinkish brown drops/stains when I went bathroom the first time and little bits of oldish looking light brown goo then next time. They were clear and not clots so I'm thinking it's just old cm that's coming out. Still doesn't make me feel better though.

And my next appt isn't until March. Since things were going so well, we scheduled my first 'official' OB appt for 12 weeks but if I feel I need any other tests or scans or appts, I just have to call the dr and he'll get me in. I sort of want to go in and see bubs today just to know there is a hb at least but I also know if I can wait til the end of the week, that'd be better since that's closer to my last 1st tri loss milestone. Plan is I'm going to take it easy today and see how the spotting goes. I see my naturopath tomorrow morning and I want to see what he finds first before I run off to the dr. If the naturopath can confirm the baby is fine and the spotting is just benign, then I don't think I'll need the scan at all. I just want someone to tell me why I'm spotting so much now and if this pg will go to term.

 

[StillPraying]

Good to hear that it's more brown and pink,not red. Hopefully you can get some answers soon. I know what you mean about those 1sttri milestones. I've had two mc at the 8/9 week marks so I'm at that same point now.
How are you feeling otherwise?

 

[dairymomma]

Numb mostly. It's hard to drum up hope when I know I've got spotting happening every day and yet I can't fear the worst totally because I had spotting/bleeding with LO for 2 more weeks yet and she's hung in there.

Right now, I think I'm just trying to avoid thinking of this-hence the numbness-and I'll take this feeling over the anxiety. when that kicks in, I'm a basket case.

But I have a phone appt with my therapist this afternoon so I know she'll help me sort out some of my topsy turvy feelings.

 

[dairymomma]

Not feeling quite so confident.

The spotting is constant now. It's not to the point of hitting my pad but it's there every time I wipe.

So far, it's brownish pink but it's there and there's a fair amount of it coming out.

Though so far, no clots and no real cramping. I do have a mild backache though.

Starting to consider a dr appt just to check the hb at least...I could request a full on scan, which would tell us more than just the hb, but I think the dr would be more compassionate if the hb is gone. Waiting for DH to come home so I can talk to him. I can't think straight right now.

 

[StillPraying]

Oh no I defintely think going in for some reassurance makes sense. Are you resting?