Why didn't someone at the hospital warn me

[SassyLou]

As some of you will have read we found out our baby had died on Thursday night, I was induced Sunday and gave birth to our wonderful baby (I was 17 weeks).
I think we've been coping ok until today. I thought my breasts felt strange and then realised I've got milk starting to come. I really can't believe it why didn't they tell me this might happen, it never crossed my mind that it would happen at this stage of pregnancy. Breast feeding has always been very important to me, I fed my boys till they were turned a year old. I can't believe I have milk and no baby to feed.
Then to top it all I'd just stopped crying when my mother phoned, and yet again she was horrible, I truly think she believes that I deserve everything I'm going through as I was stupid enough (her words) to get pregnant again. When I told her Thursday afternoon that the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat or any placenta sounds and that it really didn't look good her first words were 'I hope you're not going to put yourself through this again', then she started crying and told me 'I'm not crying for the baby, I never wanted you to have it, I'm crying for what you'll have to go through'. She's said such horrible things, I daren't write most of them on here as I'm sure I'll upset people.

Sorry for the moan I just feel so shit.

*added a bit more post 3*

 

[2245db01]

oooh hun im so sorry for your loss, your mother is being very mean, no one should go through what your going through right now and when they do they should have their mum there for support, i hope you get through this and come out stronger. rip little beautiful angel, sweet dreams xx

 

[SassyLou]

oooh hun im so sorry for your loss, your mother is being very mean, no one should go through what your going through right now and when they do they should have their mum there for support, i hope you get through this and come out stronger. rip little beautiful angel, sweet dreams xx

Thanks for your lovely reply.

You wouldn't believe it but I'm 39, DH is 46. We had an 'accidental' pregnant in August which for all it was an accident was very much wanted. Sadly I had a MMC at 8 wks. We decided to try again and I became pregnant shortly after with Archie, the baby we've just lost. I never ask my mum for anything (never ask for money, babysitting or anything). We're a very self sufficent family, DH has a reasonably good job which pays quite well and I'm a freelance musician/music teacher which pays ok and I can fit around the kids. You'd think the way she's carrying on I was still at school!

I did ask her when I phoned Thursday night on our way home from hospital if she could look after my boys while I went to hospital the following day and while I went Sunday to be induced, she told me she was got to stay with my half-sister (her step-daughter) for a few days and couldn't possibly cancel as they'd bought food in for her visit. Believe me this is the tip of the iceberg in comparrison to what she has said.

Thanks again for replying it means so much xxx

 

[firstprincess]

Sweetheart. Your mother is being very unfair. Your baby was obviously very wanted and very loved and she needs to understand that. Big Hugs to you and your family. xxx

 

[Aaisrie]

Oh honey how can she be so unfair and rude. She's obviously not going to see anyone [yours included] point of view but her own. It sounds like she is stuck so far up her own arse she can't even see how you might be feeling. I know there is no point telling you to try and explain your side of things to her as it doesn't sound like she'd get it or even be willing to try. I wish I was closer to you, I'd have watched your kids for you.... It's so sad that mothers are sometimes the ones we need the most and they let us down. It doesn't even sound like she's "trying to do what's best for you" it just sounds like she's so set in her ways that she's living life as she wants and no-one else's problems are going to get in her way...

 

[Pippin]

Oh that makes me so sad honey I can't believe a mother could be so unsupportive. Does she know how much she is hurting you right now? I reckon you need to say something hon so she can at least stop until this is all over. I don't think it matters what age you are, DH is 50 and I'm 31 but who is to say when we can't or can have another baby. I hope she gets better hon.

As for the milk I've replied in the other thread hon Try a warm wet flannel in a bath and that should relieve it a bit. xxx

 

[SassyLou]

Thanks everyone.

She phoned today to tell me she was home, and ended up slamming phone down on me. She really has said such hurtful things. I'd just been crying over my milk when she phoned and because I wasn't cheerful when I answered phone she had a go at me. I tried to tell her how much she's hurt me she just put phone down.

Everything is about her and her feelings, when George had his op she turned round and said she hoped it had worked because SHE couldn't stand for him to have to have it done again, her words were 'it had better have worked cos I can't go through this again' I did point out she'd been through nothing it was George who'd been through it. She really is a complete psychopath.

Thanks everyone for your replies xxx

 

[Aaisrie]

*I* want to hit her and I don't even know her.... *seething*

 

[baileykenz]

ohh hunni
i can sympathise with you as my mum can show her very STRANGE feelings in the same way..
i have 3kiddies and yes i am no spring ckicken 34 and i do have problems when preg due to diabetes but i am going through silent m at the mo and didnt even tell her i was preg due to this sh**..
when i got rushed to hosp and she found out and said ' i know i shouldnt be saying this but i hope it comes away as then you wont have to go through it all again' i said well you got your way as i am going to lose it..
if you need to rant or anything hun
pm me i am here for u
emmaxx

 

[SassyLou]

Thanks everyone.
Decided maybe bath and bed is the best option for me tonight xxx

 

[heyyady]

You have had such a positive approach and experience so far- try not to let her bitterness change that. If she phones again, politely tell her that you need a break from her to regain yourself. Politely tell her you love her but can not talk to her now. Then politely tell her to shove it up her bum and hang up. lol- no, seriously, the first two suggestions were real. Then just hang up the phone and if she calls back have someone else answer and tell her you are not available, or just ignore it. She is being plain awful, and not what you need right now. You have your wonderful husband and all of us for support.

 

[LittleAngel09]

I'm so sorry for your loss hun. I can't believe your mother is treating you this way, it's just so sad. As for your milk, the hospital didn't tell me either when I lost Angel, I had to ask about it and they gave me a tablet to stop it (if I hadn't my milk would have come in to).

Rest in peace little Archie.

 

[MaevesMummy]

As some of you will have read we found out our baby had died on Thursday night, I was induced Sunday and gave birth to our wonderful baby (I was 16 weeks).
I think we've been coping ok until today. I thought my breasts felt strange and then realised I've got milk starting to come. I really can't believe it why didn't they tell me this might happen, it never crossed my mind that it would happen at this stage of pregnancy. Breast feeding has always been very important to me, I fed my boys till they were turned a year old. I can't believe I have milk and no baby to feed.
Then to top it all I'd just stopped crying when my mother phoned, and yet again she was horrible, I truly think she believes that I deserve everything I'm going through as I was stupid enough (her words) to get pregnant again. When I told her Thursday afternoon that the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat or any placenta sounds and that it really didn't look good her first words were 'I hope you're not going to put yourself through this again', then she started crying and told me 'I'm not crying for the baby, I never wanted you to have it, I'm crying for what you'll have to go through'. She's said such horrible things, I daren't write most of them on here as I'm sure I'll upset people.

Sorry for the moan I just feel so shit.

*added a bit more post 3*

Lots of love to you. Its awful enough they didnt warn you. I was given a tablet to stop that (i threw it up so it was pointless) but they should have said. Ok TMI now but dont encourage it leave your chest well alone was my MW advice and it will go. How awful you had to go through this.
You need to concentrate on yourself any your family. It might be best if you dont speak to people with idiot opinions. You did not deserve this. It is not your fault. Its an awfull thing that happens, in my experience to the nicest people.
You need to grieve not blame yourself. Best just filter your calls for now.
Lots of love and wishing you some quite peacefull days ahaead. xxxxxxxxxx

 

[Hoping]

I am so sorry that your Mum is being so unsupportive at this really difficult time, and I wish you all the strength in the world to get through it all, big hugs to you and your family

 

[babesx3]

I was given a tablet to stop it ..i really think they should of given u one ..

Big hugs

 

[hayley x]

How is your milk now? its so heartbreaking having milk there and knowing what its intended for

You mum sounds awful. She is making an already devestating experience even harder I dont know how old she is but some generations are so cold towards the grieving process and have always been taught to 'get on with it' but some things she has said are just vile I'm so sorry x

 

[SassyLou]

How is your milk now? its so heartbreaking having milk there and knowing what its intended for

You mum sounds awful. She is making an already devestating experience even harder I dont know how old she is but some generations are so cold towards the grieving process and have always been taught to 'get on with it' but some things she has said are just vile I'm so sorry x

My breasts are still quite sore and there's still some milk (only a small amount) leaking out. At first I assumed perhaps this was as bad as it would get, but then realised that with my eldest son (who I didn't breastfeed) it took ages for it to come properly, whereas initially I remembered getting milk properly on the third day with my boys I breastfed. I know it definitely took well over a week with my eldest as I was in hospital for well over a week and it was the midwife in the community who organised tablets to take it away.

My mum really is vile, I've been so upset about the things she's said I think its distracted me from grieving for our beautiful son. My husband told me to write everything down yesterday in the hope it would help. I did, then I posted it in my PAL group. I think they were really shocked by what they read.

Thanks for replying.

xxxx

 

[spellfairy]

aye my mother dont understand cos she was blessed with three healthy children! she didnt even visit my sons grave! i sent her a text to say she should be up not for me but for her grandson! i was livid... she was good first week then after that she just says move on , wise up, we all have probs. and thats me not even saying owt just looking a bit sad... grrrrrrrrrrr

 

[MrsWez]

Sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Your mother is a very strange and vile woman. I would take a step a back from her so you can start mourning your baby and then deal with her when your ready.

 

[marnie79]

im so sorry hun, what a poor excuse for a mother personally i dont have any contact with mine as she always turns everything to herself too, i havent spoken to her since my sons funeral a year ago and am not planning to any time soon either !