why do i feel like i am stuck on the same day?

[gnomette]

i found out my baby had passed away 12days ago an went into be induced 11days ago i had a little boy an since then i feel like i am stuck on the same day the thought of moving on scares me an on monday he is being moved on to the funeral home he is not going to be in the hospital anymore an thats just one step closer to me not being able to go an see him an hold him an kiss him an to tell him how much i love him at the moment i go an see him 2days running an then i don't for one day cause i have 2 children to look after an i have to find child care an cause he is 20 miles away an i don't drive i have to make the hours journey on the bus me an my husband (he drives) have been going more in the evening when the kids are in bed the hospital dont mind when we go! but once he goes its one step closer to the funeral! but i dont feel any less lost or empty but every one seems to be getting on with things my son is going to school my husband went back to work an my 2 year old has no idea all my friends have been putting happy things on facebook but i am still here i am still stuck on the same day i feel guilty for smiling with my children i still can't eat i feel like i am of no use to any body i don't wanna get up in the morning so we are always late leaving the house (not that my son minds i make him take his scooter so he moves quicker) i feel guilty for feeling so cross at everyone telling me i will have more children or asking me if i will try for another??? really?? its not even been 2 weeks! why don't i feel any better? why don't people think before they say stuff! why am i so stuck? why do i not feel the slightest bit at peace with anything?

 

[mhazzab]

Hiya...I'm sorry you haven't gotten a reply sooner. I hope you are 'ok', well as much as you can be for this horrible time.

By now your son has probably been taken to the funeral home. I hope it wasnt too hard for you. Unfortunately it's just a part of what happens next. I'm sorry he was so far from your home at the hospital but I am so glad you have been given the time to spend with him.

It just seems like everyone else gets on with their normal lives...peoples shock at what has happened seems to fade to them moving on with their lives while you are stuck in this groundhog day...not knowing what to do with yourself or how you are going to survive through this. I had spent my pregnancy being totally focussed on being pregnant and researching what it would be like to raise my twins...so when I lost them i didn't know what to do with myself. Even when I sat on the computer and logged in...I didn't know what to look at online. I didn't know what to talk about, and I was scared to see anyone. It was awful. All I could think about was how much I missed them.

Some people said the stupidist things to me, I even got that maybe it was 'for the best as twins would be hard work' wtf??? Who says that? I think some people just dont know what to say so they say the first thing that comes into their heads. Just ignore any stupid comments and don't listen to them. But dont think that just because people are getting on with their lives, that they are not still upset for you. I was pleasantly surprised by some people remembering and mentioning my daughters many months later, when I thought nobody cared. My due date, October 15th, was actually international baby loss day. I put a message on FB saying that I would be lighting candles for my precious babies...and was so surprised at the amount of my friends who did the same for me and posted photos. I was so touched.

If you find even just a little moment with your children that makes you smile, hold onto it. This doesnt mean that you don't love your angel any less.

The first weeks at home on my own, once OH had gone back to work, were so long. I sat down and made a list of things I could do, learn or relearn a hobby. I taught myself how to knit, to make hats / blankets for other angel babies, and I also started making jewellery. This was just something to give me a project for the day.

Give yourself time...you are at the beginning of a very long journey. It's now almost 11 months since my babies were born and life seems more positive now, but I still miss them with all my heart and often cry for a long time over what should have been.

take it easy on yourself...you are still standing after this horrible loss has happened to you...that's something. it will get better, honestly...it just takes time.

sending you massive hugs xx

 

[dancareoi]

i found out my baby had passed away 12days ago an went into be induced 11days ago i had a little boy an since then i feel like i am stuck on the same day the thought of moving on scares me an on monday he is being moved on to the funeral home he is not going to be in the hospital anymore an thats just one step closer to me not being able to go an see him an hold him an kiss him an to tell him how much i love him at the moment i go an see him 2days running an then i don't for one day cause i have 2 children to look after an i have to find child care an cause he is 20 miles away an i don't drive i have to make the hours journey on the bus me an my husband (he drives) have been going more in the evening when the kids are in bed the hospital dont mind when we go! but once he goes its one step closer to the funeral! but i dont feel any less lost or empty but every one seems to be getting on with things my son is going to school my husband went back to work an my 2 year old has no idea all my friends have been putting happy things on facebook but i am still here i am still stuck on the same day i feel guilty for smiling with my children i still can't eat i feel like i am of no use to any body i don't wanna get up in the morning so we are always late leaving the house (not that my son minds i make him take his scooter so he moves quicker) i feel guilty for feeling so cross at everyone telling me i will have more children or asking me if i will try for another??? really?? its not even been 2 weeks! why don't i feel any better? why don't people think before they say stuff! why am i so stuck? why do i not feel the slightest bit at peace with anything?

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss, but i have been where you are and know exactly how you feel.

i already have 3 kids, 10,7 and almost 2. in oct last year i found I was PG by accident at the age of 40, healthy nuchal scan in december showed all good. At 17 weeks i went to hopital for a check up to find my baby had died at 13-14 weeks.

My Lo was then born sleeping on 12-1-12.

the hospital arranged everything for us and our LO`s funeral service was monday 23rd jan and we laid the ashes to rest the next day in the babies memorial garden at the hospital.

For me time stopped, i didn`t want to eat, or do anything or see anyone, i just wanted to be left alone. Every night before i went to bed i would kiss the photo of my LO and cry. Luckily i slept well, but if i woke in the night i would lie there and cry. i didn`t even want to see my own family.

The days gradually rolled by. I found this site and started writing on here, numerous people told me you will never get over it, but things will get better. At the time you can not imagine that you will ever ever start to feel normal again or that you will ever smile again, but gradually you get there.

i posted on here a while ago and it was headed `two steps forward, one step back` because that`s how it felt. Gradually i would start to feel a little better and then wham, i`d have a bad day and feel like i was starting all over again. Then you go a few more days before it hits you and gradually it does get a little easier.

It`s been 4 months for me now and i can go for quite a few days now without getting upset. What is helping me now is that DH and had a hospital appoinment a couple of weeks ago with a specialist and we have decided to TTC again. That is now helping me as it is giving me something else to focus on.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal and although you can`t possibly imagine it now, things will get better. 4 months ago i was where you are now and people were writing what i am writing now and i would think I will never feel better, but gradually you do.

Take good care of yourself and remember there are lots of lovely ladies on here to help you through this terrible time.

 

[gnomette]

yeh he went to the funeral home monday i went in to see him tuesday (yesterday) an the woman at the funeral home started to say she thinks i shouldn't see him anymore because he has "deteriorated" alot since he was born! so i made it clear i see have seen him most days since he was born an that i will make my own decision as to weather i want to see him but she kept going on an on an i just walked out saying i will be back thursday an i WILL want to see him she wants me to sit in there with the lid on his coffin (it is beautiful) but i don't want to! i have watched him change so much an i am not stupid i heartbroken an i will not leave it i will do as i choose! last i checked no one could tell me what to do! he is my son! his ashes casket only arrived on monday after having to chase that up an my consultants appointment is supposed to be in 2weeks an i still haven't heard anything so i called them an i should have had it by now but no one seems to be in when i call! so i have to try again tomorrow!

 

[gnomette]

i will never see my little boys face again he has as much as i hate the word deteriorated an i don't wanna see that i wanna remember his perfect face and hands an feet! i do still go an sit with him an talk to him but he is covered up an today i sat with him an it hurt more than ever i hate leaving him alone i hate the thought of him being alone i just wanna be with him all the time an i forget sometimes when i am asleep an then i wake up an its like it was only yesterday i was sitting in the ultra sound room then the hospital an he has just been born then i remember why i can't seem to not want cry all the time an why i am holding it all back an then today i just want the funeral to be over an done with cause i dont want him to look like he does an i don't want to not look at him an i can't help but feel like i failed some how! i never planned the funeral to take so long to come around its just because the chaplain is on holiday this week but it just seems cruel to leave him like he is!
i sound like a proper moaner i am so sorry x i know i am no worse off than anyone here but i don't know where to sound off no one understands!

 

[mhazzab]

i will never see my little boys face again he has as much as i hate the word deteriorated an i don't wanna see that i wanna remember his perfect face and hands an feet! i do still go an sit with him an talk to him but he is covered up an today i sat with him an it hurt more than ever i hate leaving him alone i hate the thought of him being alone i just wanna be with him all the time an i forget sometimes when i am asleep an then i wake up an its like it was only yesterday i was sitting in the ultra sound room then the hospital an he has just been born then i remember why i can't seem to not want cry all the time an why i am holding it all back an then today i just want the funeral to be over an done with cause i dont want him to look like he does an i don't want to not look at him an i can't help but feel like i failed some how! i never planned the funeral to take so long to come around its just because the chaplain is on holiday this week but it just seems cruel to leave him like he is!
i sound like a proper moaner i am so sorry x i know i am no worse off than anyone here but i don't know where to sound off no one understands!

its difficult because you don't want to move forward and leave your little boy behind. I'm sad it's reached the stage that you can't see him any more, but remember how much time you have spent with him...you will cherish that forever.

having the funeral will probably help you let out some of your grief...I know it really helped me. Do you have a date for it now?

Don't ever apologise for sounding off...that's what this place is for, and the ladies in here understand this sadness and anger more than anybody xx

 

[gnomette]

yeh its next thursday now! thank you his ashes casket only turned up on monday even though we ordered it an stuff the friday after he was born i went on my own yesterday an felt really guilty for not uncovering him but i sat an spoke to him any way x

 

[dancareoi]

yeh its next thursday now! thank you his ashes casket only turned up on monday even though we ordered it an stuff the friday after he was born i went on my own yesterday an felt really guilty for not uncovering him but i sat an spoke to him any way x

The funeral will not be very nice, but in a way it may make you feel a little bit more at peace and give a little closure. You will never forget you little boy, but you learn to move on and to live with it.

Sometimes are more difficult than others and for you it is still very early days, be kind to yourself and things will start to get better, although at the moment that is not easy to believe.

 

[gnomette]

thank you i will try to be more posative but i don't seem to be much good to anyone anymore my kids have had enough an are playing up big time! even my body is not doing its job i seem to be retaining clots now an i have been given anti biotics cause they don't wanna risk my womb becoming infected! oh yay now even my body doesnt wanna let go!

 

[mhazzab]

It just takes time, you can't force yourself to move forward, it just happens. I remember a few weeks after having my girls, hubby came home from work and I told him I had gotten through the whole day without crying. I was so proud of myself but at the same time also sad that I had managed it if that makes sense!

You just have to do whatever you need to, to get through the day. The healing just takes its own time.

I bled for 12 weeks and ended up on antibiotics so I know how you feel when you say even your body can't get it right, I was so frustrated and desperate for something, anything to get back to 'normal'.

Don't be so hard on yourself take the time that you need to grieve xx

 

[mhazzab]

Ps have you got everything organised for the funeral? Is it this Thursday? X

 

[gnomette]

yeh its this thursday yeh just gotta burn the cd for the music! i am letting off sky lanturns at the beach tomorrow with my son instead of taking him to the funeral i think that that hes too young an although he does understand he doesn't at the same time! i am going back to the drs today as the anti biotics have been makin me really ill! xx

 

[littleANDlost]

Thats not much more i can add then what has already been said but wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and your little boy. Sending you hugs for tomorrow as well.

 

[mhazzab]

Oh i hope the doctors can help and give you something that makes you feel less ill, thats the last thing you need. The antibiotics they gave me just made me ravenously hungry but not ill or anything.

The sky lanterns sound like a lovely idea

I will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow x

 

[gnomette]

mhazzab you said you were bleeding for 12 weeks was that constant or on an off the reason they think i am retaining clots is cause i can stop bleeding for up to 3days an then start again with avengance!
thank you all for replying it really does mean alot to me x

 

[mhazzab]

My bleeding was heavy for about 3 weeks, then it was just spotting for about three weeks, then heavy again for 4-5 days, then more spotting! First AF at 10 weeks lasted about two weeks. It was so frustrating as I just wanted to ttc again. I had a u/s at I think about 9 weeks which showed no retained product, they suggested it was my hormones just being unbalanced and said I go on the pill.

Can you request a scan just to check if there is anything remaining? X

 

[gnomette]

yeh dr has given me some antibiotics i know won't make me ill an she sent a form to the hospital to go an have an ultrasound! an i have got my consultants appointment next tuesday they mistook me trying to find out when it was for wanting it asap an said that i may not have all the results through so may have to go back an i may have to go on my own cause i don't know if my hubby will get the time off work! an i am struggling to get child care so may have to take my 2year old with me oh an i will not be seeing the consultant who i saw when i was in hospital cause they sent the request to the wrong consultant!
so i am going to have to explain it all again an the blokes name does not fill me with confidence that he will actually understand english at all i have nothing against people whos english is not great apart from when i have really important questions to ask! and the last consultant whos name i could not pronounce was to put it politely was a wanker x it just feels never ending an i know i could be worrying for nothing but the last consultant (after i had an ectopic) when i asked him what the chances of getting a viable pregnancy again said to me you have one you should think yourself lucky! it still rattles through my brain now i know i have had my daughter since but it still stings now! so seeing this consultant scares the shit out of me what if hes the same? thank you all xx

 

[littleANDlost]

been thinking about you and your family today

 

[mhazzab]

been thinking about you and your family today

Me too xxx

 

[gnomette]

thank you it went aswell as it could have!
feel more lost than ever today though cause i have nowhere to go keep going to go to the phone to ring up an arrange to go see him an then i remember i can't! but i guess that will be something i will get used to though gotta get back to doing more normal things i am back to work in 2 weeks
thank you for all your messages x
its nice to have people who can understand how i am feeling not too far away!