I didn't want to BF. Ever. As a child, I was on the recieving end of some very unfortunate things, and having people, even my own babies, that close to me these days really makes me uneasy. Obviously, being the mom of two, I can learn to come to terms with intimacy and space issues, but the idea of BFing really twisted my gut. Jonah was FF, and I fully intended for Evie to be as well. Evie had other ideas. From the first bottle, she wasn't taking much on or nearly as often as I knew she probably should. She was born on a Thursday morning, and by Saturday morning I was in the midwifes' lounge on the maternity ward feeling very unhappy about it all. Evie was bringing up almost as much formula as she was taking in, and she was constantly fussy and refused to settle for more than a few minutes at a time. I asked the midwife, could it be that the formula isn't agreeing with her? Is that what is making her bring it all back up? This never happened with Jonah, he just latched onto the bottle and never looked back. The midwife told me it was too soon to tell, and to just stick with it. That was it, apart from reminding me that babies can have a lot of mucus that they bring up the first day or so, and yes Evie did have problems with that as well, but I credit myself with knowing the difference between mucus and milk. So that afternoon we went home, and I gave her a bottle, which she promptly threw back up. The next bottle she didn't bring back up nearly as much, but by the time 3am rolled around she had hardly anything in her stomach from what I could tell, and she was screaming her little lungs out. I'd been thinking about BFing since late afternoon when she was still throwing up her meals, but with my mental block issue I wasn't sure I could do it. I knocked it back and forth in my head until that 3am feed when she brought up pretty much the entire bottle of formula. That was the point where I pushed myself up over the wall and said enough. I wasn't going to let her go to bed hungry to cry herself to sleep. I figured, it couldn't hurt to try and see if it helped her, it could only benefit her if it worked out... so I pulled together what meagre courage I possess in these areas, and started going through leaflets to see how I was meant to do this BF thing. I hadn't had any advice at the hospital because I was bottle feeding, so we were on our own. I read the leaflets, but still wasn't sure... but Evie knew what to do, and she latched on right away and ate. She settled down and slept after that, and she didn't throw up any of it. She dribbled a bit, as babies do, but she kept it down and looked so much happier for it! That was a week ago, and she is still having only breast milk. Not once has she brought it back up like she did that formula. We do a mixture of breast and bottle as it is easier for me to deal with mentally, and Evie is an impatient little lady who has little time to wait for her meals! She enjoys being at the breast while she dozes off, and while it unsettles me still, I must admit I love the closeness I feel with her emotionally.
She is happier, isn't sick after every meal, and sleeps... well, like a baby! Seeing how she is thriving on the breast milk, I wouldn't go back to FF, even if right now she enjoys the on the breast feeds so much more than I do... I'm working on it, and keep reminding myself that she is my daughter, not some stranger, and we're determined to see it through and BF as long as possible.
haha!! xx
