Why is he manipulating us?

[HappilyMrs]

Hi all!! I'm usually over in the baby section of BNB but today I moved over here for a bit for hopefully some help with my DS.

He's turning 8 in less than a week. We seem to be having trouble at school(almost always at school) he is a VERY bright kid and tests above almost every other kid in the 2nd grade in the WHOLE district. He's amazingly smart. And this seems to be becoming our worst nightmare!!!

He's having trouble paying attention, pacing himself, and completing his work(almost daily). His teacher has been nice enough to send me an email every day with how the day went. Most the time I see "had a tough time completing his work on time". Well we are trying to work on this but feel he is just manipulating us. He will do things such as:
*Tell us he didn't understand it(when he does since at home we have no issue getting the work done)
*When rewarded he says he doesn't deserve it
*He is constantly disciplining himself(we've told him he doesn't get to discipline himself that is our job, doesn't seem to work)

Last week, he started hitting himself at school when he didn't complete his work. His teacher has asked for me to test him for ADHD, which is not an option since this is ONLY a problem at school. He doesn't have ADHD he just doesn't want to do the work.

Side note, this is the first year we have ever had ANY problems at school.

I'm lost, I don't know if it's the teacher... which I've asked him and he says no. If he's confused by the work, just too distracted to complete the work, or simply bored at school. He is a smart kid and gives us only the answers he thinks we want to hear... Yeah, I'm in for it with this one hehe. He's just simply, refusing to complete work or stay on task.

He lacks confidence and it's a fine line between punishment that improves behavior and punishment that seems to only make the next day WORSE!

Talking to other teachers, and parents everyone seems to say the same thing. He's a smart kid and if he's figured out he really doesn't "Have" to do the work then he won't. We've tried punishments for bad days and honestly it's consumed out entire life!!!! Every Monday(this the worst day) I dread coming home to find my husband and son sitting down discussing ANOTHER bad day. Our lives have been consumed by this and I need a solution. I don't know if I need to take him to a counselor or if this is "normal" for smart children to behave this way but it's gotten the best of ALL of us.

He's VERY well behaved at home, almost NEVER gets in trouble for anything besides this. He is an only child(as we TTC #2) and he has everything he could possibly want in childhood including very attentive parents, outside activities, toys, dogs, and very often special treats like a movie with mom or an outing with us both for ice cream for a good week at school or report card. I don't understand what we are doing wrong is mostly what I'm getting at.

Any advice would be LOVELY!

Thank you,

 

[alicecooper]

It may sound like I'm stating the obvious here, but have you tried "punishing" him for not completing his work within the allotted time?
By punishing I don't mean smacking him or anything, but withholding something he likes?
For example, my DD is SOOOOOOOO slow to get ready. As in change her clothes, brush her teeth, and so on. As a result my DD and DS1 ended up being late to school 11 times this term, all because we were waiting for her to get ready, and I got a letter home saying that if this level of lateness continues the school will be contacting the Education Welfare Officers.
I've basically told her that if she doesn't get ready in time I'm taking her to school even if she's half dressed. I don't care if she goes in her vest and knickers and nothing else, she's going to be in school on time. But IF a day comes that this happens, she will not be allowed on Minecraft for a fortnight. And I mean it.

So far so good. Since that day we've been getting to school on time. Okay she still needs to be told to hurry up, but at least it seems to be working.

Is there anything he particularly loves doing? Or somewhere he loves going? Make it a condition that he can only do this thing if he gets his work done.

 

[HappilyMrs]

We've tried punishments... he currently is also not allowed on Minecraft(or any games for that matter) do to his school work not being completed. He has since kinda forgotten about it and now doesn't even ask when he can have it back. Maybe going the opposite direction is a good idea. Instead of not giving them back until he gets better maybe it can be a reward system type thing. A good week at school equals 1 or 2 days of playing on the computer and/or xbox. I'll talk to hubby about that one.

Punishment with him is difficult because he goes into the "I don't care" mind set with it. Taking away toys or game time doesn't bother him really... no punishment really does. He is more of the type that says "oh you forgot this one" when taking away legos. Yeah, it's a tough battle! Then when he does earn them back he's less than thrilled! Almost as if it's a game to see how long he can go without them... like we aren't "really" punishing him because he really didn't want them to begin with.

I'll talk to hubby about rewarding for good behavior instead of punishing for bad behavior since he is really not seeming to catch on to that. Maybe even bigger rewards will give us bigger results. If he goes 1 month without having to bring home extra assignments he didn't finish he can go to the amusement park. I just feel like this might back fire on us haha! Thank you for the advice!!!! I really appreciate anything I can get over here!

 

[JASMAK]

I would reward him, and let him face the consequences. Let him not finish and get a couple bad marks. If he does good on his homework, give him 20 minutes on the xbox, or another quick reward that is immediate, or fairly immediate. Plus, aren't you probably going to go to the amusement park, even if there is 1-2 bad days in there? A month is a long time to round up results.

My son gets 20 minutes per homework day, cashed in on the weekend only (no xbox on weekdays).

 

[CandyDay]

you could do up a reward chart and if he does his homework every day that week then he gets a reward. Have a list of things that you know he will like and have him on Sunday pick which reward he would like if he completes his homework for all the week. Having him involved in picking the reward may help him to want to work harder to get it.

 

[suzib76]

What exactly are the school doing to support him? I wonder because with the best will in the world you actually have no control over what goes on when he is there, but THEY do. Sounds like he needs a 1-1 for part of the time, or a quiet space to work in, or even a different method of working (my son uses a laptop/alpha smart rather than writing) can sometimes be all it takes

 

[Kyten1978]

This sounds almost exactly like what I have been dealing with with my son. He is 11 now but we have been having issues since, goodness I can't remember how long. He is very smart, can remember anything that is interesting to him but doesn't want to do any type of work that takes effort. He can get straight A's but he just doesn't want to do the work. And yes the problem mainly occurs at school because when he brings work home I make sure it gets done, maybe not neatly, but done. We are making progress with him but I wanted to tell you even though you have ruled out ADHD for yourself that could be a mistake. I thought my son was just being contrary but he actually has ADD, not ADHD, and depression.
I don't want what happened with my son to happen with yours. My son has mood control problems because of the ADD, which most people don't realize is possible. He finally became so overwhelmed at school that he melted down and hurt himself on the playground, screaming as he was tearing at his skin, saying he wanted to die. He was only 9 at that time. He now see's a counseler and a doctor and he is learning how to control, and use his feelings in a constructive way instead of letting them control us.
I don't want to scare you, and your son is not mine, but I would still suggest that you at least go talk with a doctor just to be 100% sure. I don't want any mother to go through the fear and terror I lived with while we were trying to figure out how to help him.

 

[Foogirl]

We have a similar issue with our 4 year old, although it happens at home more than at pre-school. The thing about giving no answer unless she knows for sure it is the right one is my biggest pet peeve at the moment. We keep trying to explain to her she needs to make an effort whether she gives the right answer or not. I always tell her as long as I can see her trying, I'm happy.

I have no idea how to deal with it and suspect in the long term I will be seeing the same thing as you are!