Will there ever be a point...?

[Tasha]

I'm laying here after waking up again. Orion is a little star when it comes to sleeping, but it's me. I wake up multiple times a night thinking he has died. It is a real panic. It's horrific truely believing he is dead. I feel sick from it.

I know it probably comes from my loses (sixteen miscarriages and a stillbirth recurrently before him and another stillbirth previous to that) and the fact that I still don't believe he's here to stay, but he is almost five months now and I thought I'd be better than this by now. Will there ever be a point that this doesn't happen? That I go to sleep and sleep as long as he does?

I know it seems silly to be so upset over something that hasn't even really happened, it's just a worry. But for those moments I really think he's gone

 

[sil]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to send you massive hugs. I can only imagine how truly frightening it must feel.

 

[His Princess]

I know how you feel! Throughout my pregnancy I was convinced I would miscarry, during delivery I was convinced he would be stillborn, and since he's been here, I've been terrified of SIDS. I think my anxiety stems from the fact that we tried for so long, went through IVF, miscarriage etc.

The thing I found that helped me was to invest in a video monitor with a sensor pad. I've had some heart stopping moments even with that (i.e. mistaking the low battery beep for the sensor alert, although they sound nothing alike!), but it's definitely helped me sleep a little better.

 

[SoBlessedMama]

Tasha, I'm so, so sorry. I've seen your posts in multiple other threads, and you're always so kind and supportive. I can't imagine all that you've been through, and I don't have any words of advice. But I just want to offer you loads of virtual hugs and support. I truly hope you can reach "that point" and have the peace and security that you deserve.

 

[_Meep_]

I second the sensor pad. Ours ticks with every breath, so if you do wake up, instead of having to get up and check, you can just listen for the ticking and know your baby is still breathing. And obviously, if they stop breathing, the alarm goes off, giving you the chance to do something ... though I'm never entirely sure WHAT I would do. :/

We have the Angelcare one. It's the only reason I've managed to get any sleep at all since she was born. We still use it now, even though she is 16 months lol.

 

[calm]

I've never had a loss and I still worry about SIDS. Mine don't sleep well, but when they do I always hold my breath when I go to look at them, or wake up in a jolt. They are 13 months and I still worry

 

[Tasha]

Thank you so much for the replies girls.

I stopped using the angel care one as it didn't help but I'll give it another go.

I'm sorry that some of you feel the same. I think I'm going to book a gp appointment. I'm scared they'll say PND when I'm happier than I've ever been, it's just purely anxiety surrounding him dying?

 

[calm]

I feel happy too, and pretty sure I don't have PND. I did wonder the first couple of months, but I've been fine for at least 6 months. I'm sure its anxiety in my case, I'm very protective of them. We are built by nature to put their lives first and protect them whatever happens, and I think in my case that instinct is heightened by stress and the fear of losing something so precious X

 

[Boozlebub]

I felt exactly the same. DS is our rainbow baby after a miscarriage and I was petrified. At first we used a snuza which helped a bit and his cot was right next to our bed so I could reach out and touch him when I woke. I even had to check he was breathing when he was sleeping in someone's arms. Now at almost 22 months old we still use a baby sense breathing/movement monitor under his mattress and I still get up and check on him a lot. For me I don't think my fear will ever go and I even wake up in a panic that DH or the dog are no longer breathing and have to check them. I've been this way about sleeping and dying ever since a small child and used to be scared to sleep in case someone would die so I think for me it is a very deep rooted thing.

When I saw the doctor about it she basically said he's not going to stop breathing don't worry. and I just thought but some people's babies do.

I hope you are able to get some rest and start to worry less but I know it's a hard one especially after how much heartbreak you have been through.

 

[Willow82]

Thank you so much for the replies girls.

I stopped using the angel care one as it didn't help but I'll give it another go.

I'm sorry that some of you feel the same. I think I'm going to book a gp appointment. I'm scared they'll say PND when I'm happier than I've ever been, it's just purely anxiety surrounding him dying?

Postnatal anxiety is as real as PND. I've read that it often manifests itself around fears of something happening to the baby. I think it's really good that you're going to the GP as they might be able to refer you for some talking therapy.

I had postnatal anxiety after the birth of DS, although in my case, it manifested itself as a worsening of my previously mild health anxiety. Seriously, I was barely away from the doctors, it got that bad. I was referred for CBT and have been much better since. It's not gone completely but is no longer at a point where it dominates my life.

Good luck, I hope you start feeling better soon.

 

[Rainbow82]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I don't think there is an easy answer, DS is six months now and I still wake up every hour or so with the same feeling, he still sleeps in the living room with us till we go through to bed too so I can check him constantly. He is our rainbow after 3 miscarriages between me and my wife and it is hard to believe he is here to stay.
You are incredibly strong to still be standing and carrying on after everything you've been through.
I don't think for me this is related to any sort of PND but I do think it's possibly a little post traumatic stress from a long time ttc, loss and a difficult pregnancy (daily ctg at one point with nobody believing something was wrong when DS wasn't moving) followed by a traumatic early induction and emergency section. It is starting to get a little easier with time (I no longer set an alarm every 30mins in The night to check him) but I guess it will take a lot longer.

 

[LoraLoo]

I wish I'd kept my monitor to send you but they swapped it for a mat at 6 months which I never got along with.

I don't think it ever goes when you've been through a stillbirth or neonatal death like we have. Losing a baby in that way changes you forever. What is every parents worst thing to imagine, is our reality. We know babies die because ours did, and as much as sands was a lifeline back then, I think we also know too much what can go wrong.

I still check on mine through the night. Some nights are easier. Some nights I convince myself it's happened again and I have to send aaron to check. If they sleep in its awful.

But I do think it gets easier in time. I noticed it lifting a little bit around the 12 months mark.

If we go on holiday and its a change of setting or routine my anxiety goes through the roof.

Id contact coni again xx

 

[londonangel]

Please see your doctor. It is normal to worry about your baby, especially if you have suffered losses. I am not so sure being convinced the baby has died is quite so normal though and waking up multiple times a night believing this must be dreadful for you. The doctor may be able to recommend some sort of counselling or other therapy that may help you. I do hope this anxiety goes for you so you can enjoy your baby.

 

[too_scared]

I'm so sorry I felt the same with my son. I didn't sleep until we moved him into our bed at 12 weeks. I would literally sit awake all night watching him. I had horrible intrusive thoughts on top of that too. It was awful.

Have you thought about bed sharing? That helped me immensely. We also got a snuza monitor. It monitors breathing and clips into their diaper. It helps so much. I'm not nearly so bad with my daughter but I still have nights where I have to watch the light blink green on the monitor for a little while before I can sleep.

I have horrible anxiety. A lot of it stems from a phobia I have (emetophobia) but with my losses I worry a lot too. I was convinced Finn wasn't mine to keep for a long while. I think it eased a lot when he was about 6 months. I still have anxiety from my phobia (expecting them to throw up and choke )

Sending you lots of virtual hugs. I know exactly how you feel.

 

[Tasha]

Firstly thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me, it can't of been easy but I do appreciate it.

Calm, I'm sure mine is anxiety based too. I used to wash my hands in bleach because of ocd and anxiety, after Honey until about eighteen months ago. PTSD was also suggested when I was assessed after her but o never reached out further for help.

Booze, I'm so sorry you have similar fears. They were so dismissive of your very real fears.

Willow, thank you. I've never heard of postnatal anxiety before but I've looked it up and it does sound like me. I'm so sorry you had and have anxiety.

Rainbow, you sound very similar to me. Even down to the emergency induction, Orion was born at 36+3 due to lack of movement and low heart rate. He didn't cry at birth and in fact didn't cry until they injected him with vitamin k. They said he was okay but I needed to hear him cry and then I sobbed like a baby when he did. It may well be ptsd for me too, we tried for seven years before he came home, all those loses, and like you daily monitoring, admitted to hospital and even daily scans. If I'd not been admitted at that point and happen to be on a ctg. He looks so much like Riley Rae when he's sleeping too, so I see her as well and obviously she was dead so it is all mixed up. I'm sorry you're going through it too.

Thank you Lora. I agree, I loved sands and the friendships it gave me but you're acutely aware of not just what happened to your baby but all the different things that happened to all your friends. I also think that multiple loses makes it different again, like you know bad things happen and they do to you but you can sort of delude yourself that you've had your 'fair share' but when it happens again you think, it happened twice, three times, whatever, so why not three times, four times etc. I still get upset that the girls grave is full and so is the cemetery so if it does happen he will be alone

Thank you London. I will do.

I'm sorry too scared. My ten year old has the same phobia, and it's awful for her. It must be very hard as children do tend to vomit. We do bed share from 3-4am, completely safely but I wake in a panic that I've crushed him or he's suffocated etc.

 

[minties]

I wouldn't be at all surprised if you were suffering from some sort of post traumatic stress disorder. You have been through nightmare after nightmare. I was diagnosed with this after Sophie was hit by a car. We walk every day and every day I see people getting run over in my mind, every time we cross a road I expext to see a car smash into us, and every time I close my eyes I remember seeing Sophie struck and my screams echo in my head. Sophie was fine and I'm still greatly effected, you've lost babies, you've had pain no parent should ever have to endure. It makes you hyper aware of all the dreadful things that can happen in life.

 

[Loozle]

I honestly would give the angelcare monitor another try. My personal experience is that I've had 5 miscarriages. During pregnancy with my dd there seemed to be issue after issue. Problems with her growth - dropping percentiles and towards the end reduced movements on a number of occasions. I was terrified that I was going to lose her. They decided to induce at 37 weeks. Since bringing her home I have worried that something will happen to her and I was constantly worried about sids. The angelcare monitor is the only thing that lets me sleep at night.

 

[_Meep_]

It certainly sounds like so many of you are experiencing post partum anxiety. It DEFINITELY exists, for whatever reason - some women are pre-existing anxiety sufferers and others will have experienced losses or gestational/labour complications. Some suffer for no obvious reason at all.

For me, a combination of lifelong anxiety and the loss of my first child when I was 17 and totally unprepared/emotionally unequipped to cope with any of it has definitely contributed to my severe anxiety over my baby's health and development.

We also experienced several abnormally early nursing strikes and horrible difficulty breastfeeding, which threw me off balance for the longest time.

Up until two months ago, I was convinced my little girl had cerebral palsy. It seems stupid now, as she's perfectly normal and healthy, but occasionally I can still get bogged down by those thoughts if I let myself be consumed.

I guess what I want to say is however your fear manifests itself, while it is not 'normal' and certainly not nice, that doesn't mean it isn't real. Others sometimes can't get their heads around that, and it can be so isolating when you're struggling to function and nobody understands why, but rest assured that there are so many women and even some men out there dealing with the same thing.

There are also people who genuinely want to help. Never be ashamed or scared to ask for help. Before N was born, I suffered completely alone with my anxiety as I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, but after she arrived, for whatever reason (probably desperation) I felt able to break that barrier. It started with me crying in our HV's office, two weeks after the birth. Since, we've seen a paediatric ophthalmologist, a cranial osteopath, a lactation consultant and tongue tie specialist (turned out a posterior tie was screwing up her nursing), a craniosacral therapist, a paediatric physio and a SALT. All parents themselves. All kind, sympathetic people who really wanted to help, and who really did help.

My point is, whatever your issue, there are people out there who will listen to you if you can get past the initial hurdle and just come out and say what it is that is getting you down.

Our first year was so hard, but I rarely worry about my baby's development these days. It's weird to wake up and feel my mind groping for something to worry and obsess about, yet finding nothing - I just remind myself that there's nothing there any more and enjoy my little girl's silly, smiling face looming into view as she gives me her customary morning kiss.