worst fears coming true

[LadyHutch]

well, not worst, but bad.

I was scared to death how the baby would change my marriage...and it is. My marriage was very strong, my husband and I were best friends, did everything together, so close. Now that the baby is here, he works a ton more and I hardly see him. When I do see him he is distant. Its not the same.

Last night we argued about it. I cried. I was afraid of this happening and now it is.

I don't know how to fix it. I feel trapped at home with the baby, he is having to pick up my slack at work, and part of me thinks he is not happy since I don't look the same, am always tired, cranky, and neither of us sleeps well. I am just waiting for him to find someone else. This is my own crazy, sure, i have no real good reason to believe he would cheat, other than I look like hell, and he's never home anymore.

The whole thing is a hot mess. I love...love...LOVE my little boy. And I am scared he is going to rip my marriage apart, and I'll resent him for it. I can't really see myself doing that, but there is a tiny part of me that wishes things were back the way they used to be before he came.

I miss my husband. I've always been a relatively confident woman but now I am so insecure I can't look at myself. There is nothing attractive about a post partum, squishy, tired, haggard woman with a baby strapped to her all the time.

I love my husband more than the world. I might be sick, but the love I have for him is on par with the love I have for our baby. I get that people think you love your kids most, but I love my husband and my baby equally. I can't live without either. I can't imagine continuing like this...him growing further and further away from me. ANd I don't know how to fix it.

I just want to sit and cry about it but my MIL is here, and I am stuck entertaining her, since DH is not home anymore. I can't really sit and bawl about her son in front of her. She won't understand. ANd she'll panic, blah blah blah...

Just voicing my fears here. =(

 

[AirForceWife7]

First off, I would like to give you some big Having a baby is not an easy thing .. it's a life-altering experience! What is happening with you & your husband is both normal, but yet not so normal at the same time. It is quite normal to be preoccupied with your LO constantly - especially when they are newborns; You are constantly busy tending to your LO's needs. What your husband needs to realize (I'm assuming you have talked to him about this perhaps?) is that your son now comes first not just for you, but for the BOTH of you. It is really hard that your husband has to work extra hours now that the baby is here because I realize it puts a strain on your together time, but that's part of the sacrifice he has chosen to make for you & your family in order to provide If you haven't talked to him about this situation & how you are feeling, I strongly encourage you too .. Communication is key I don't know your marriage on any deep level, but judging by how you have said you two have been very close throughout your entire marriage makes me think that he wouldn't cheat on you Just sit down & talk about it, get it out .. it will make you feel loads better, although I can understand your apprehension to do so. Maybe have someone watch your son for a couple hours or even a whole day while you two can have some couple time? Every parent needs some time off Hope everything works out! x

 

[tiggerpony]

oh hun *hugs* I feel same. I have nasty tear and look like crap and am sure we wont be having sex for at least 6 months.........i feel like he might find someone else. I also love my daughter and him equally......what about asking someone to have LO and orgasning a nice meal, dvd on sofa etc? xx

 

[Ruby x]

aw hun, just remember its not been too long since you had your LO and you need to give yourselves time to settle into your new roles, your lives have changed so much and its hard to adapt. Give it some time and should all get better

 

[jennijunni]

First off, I would like to give you some big Having a baby is not an easy thing .. it's a life-altering experience! What is happening with you & your husband is both normal, but yet not so normal at the same time. It is quite normal to be preoccupied with your LO constantly - especially when they are newborns; You are constantly busy tending to your LO's needs. What your husband needs to realize (I'm assuming you have talked to him about this perhaps?) is that your son now comes first not just for you, but for the BOTH of you. It is really hard that your husband has to work extra hours now that the baby is here because I realize it puts a strain on your together time, but that's part of the sacrifice he has chosen to make for you & your family in order to provide If you haven't talked to him about this situation & how you are feeling, I strongly encourage you too .. Communication is key I don't know your marriage on any deep level, but judging by how you have said you two have been very close throughout your entire marriage makes me think that he wouldn't cheat on you Just sit down & talk about it, get it out .. it will make you feel loads better, although I can understand your apprehension to do so. Maybe have someone watch your son for a couple hours or even a whole day while you two can have some couple time? Every parent needs some time off Hope everything works out! x

While I agree with some of PP statements, I will have to caution about always putting children before spouse. That is the fast track to an unhappy marriage. Yes our new babies need us, but so do our spouses. Men especially. They typically feel loved, by being intimate with their spouses, and when a baby comes, lets face it, we are not always ready to jump back in the sack, especially if this is your first. But to them, it feels like you dont love, and care for them anymore, since having sex is where they felt close to you, and feel loved through that act. And like anything else, if you do not cultivate it, or work at it, it will whither and die. It is hard to keep a marriage strong. It is hard especially when you have a new baby. I agree with the PP have a date, even if you dont leave the house. Put the baby to bed, get dressed, have dinner together, even take out, and maybe a movie, and just be together. I am not saying have sex, but enjoy each others company, and cuddle, and rekindle that love. Believe me he will love it, and so will you.

 

[AirForceWife7]

First off, I would like to give you some big Having a baby is not an easy thing .. it's a life-altering experience! What is happening with you & your husband is both normal, but yet not so normal at the same time. It is quite normal to be preoccupied with your LO constantly - especially when they are newborns; You are constantly busy tending to your LO's needs. What your husband needs to realize (I'm assuming you have talked to him about this perhaps?) is that your son now comes first not just for you, but for the BOTH of you. It is really hard that your husband has to work extra hours now that the baby is here because I realize it puts a strain on your together time, but that's part of the sacrifice he has chosen to make for you & your family in order to provide If you haven't talked to him about this situation & how you are feeling, I strongly encourage you too .. Communication is key I don't know your marriage on any deep level, but judging by how you have said you two have been very close throughout your entire marriage makes me think that he wouldn't cheat on you Just sit down & talk about it, get it out .. it will make you feel loads better, although I can understand your apprehension to do so. Maybe have someone watch your son for a couple hours or even a whole day while you two can have some couple time? Every parent needs some time off Hope everything works out! x

While I agree with some of PP statements, I will have to caution about always putting children before spouse. That is the fast track to an unhappy marriage. Yes our new babies need us, but so do our spouses. Men especially. They typically feel loved, by being intimate with their spouses, and when a baby comes, lets face it, we are not always ready to jump back in the sack, especially if this is your first. But to them, it feels like you dont love, and care for them anymore, since having sex is where they felt close to you, and feel loved through that act. And like anything else, if you do not cultivate it, or work at it, it will whither and die. It is hard to keep a marriage strong. It is hard especially when you have a new baby. I agree with the PP have a date, even if you dont leave the house. Put the baby to bed, get dressed, have dinner together, even take out, and maybe a movie, and just be together. I am not saying have sex, but enjoy each others company, and cuddle, and rekindle that love. Believe me he will love it, and so will you.

I understand where you are coming from, but my DH & I have always put our LO first & I don't see how that is putting us on "the fast track to an unhappy marriage"? I thought when you have kids they always come first. That's how I was brought up, anyway There's no reason to start a debate here, I was trying to give the OP what I thought was helpful advice.

 

[jessie_m]

I know it's hard to find time, but every night OH and I put Aubrey in her swing after she falls asleep (I don't like her being in a room by herself yet, so I keep her close.) and we turn on netflix and watch tv or a movie and cuddle on the couch. If Aubrey needs feeding or changed, we do that and then snuggle her back to sleep and continue with our snuggling. It really helps us feel intimate and like we still have 'us' time (even though we really dont. lol)

 

[Frooty]

Aww love it's hard when your emotions are all over the place. The first few weeks are hard especially when you're breastfeeding too. Give it some time n things will get back to the way they were talk with your hubby not argue tell him exactly how u feel x

 

[jennijunni]

First off, I would like to give you some big Having a baby is not an easy thing .. it's a life-altering experience! What is happening with you & your husband is both normal, but yet not so normal at the same time. It is quite normal to be preoccupied with your LO constantly - especially when they are newborns; You are constantly busy tending to your LO's needs. What your husband needs to realize (I'm assuming you have talked to him about this perhaps?) is that your son now comes first not just for you, but for the BOTH of you. It is really hard that your husband has to work extra hours now that the baby is here because I realize it puts a strain on your together time, but that's part of the sacrifice he has chosen to make for you & your family in order to provide If you haven't talked to him about this situation & how you are feeling, I strongly encourage you too .. Communication is key I don't know your marriage on any deep level, but judging by how you have said you two have been very close throughout your entire marriage makes me think that he wouldn't cheat on you Just sit down & talk about it, get it out .. it will make you feel loads better, although I can understand your apprehension to do so. Maybe have someone watch your son for a couple hours or even a whole day while you two can have some couple time? Every parent needs some time off Hope everything works out! x

While I agree with some of PP statements, I will have to caution about always putting children before spouse. That is the fast track to an unhappy marriage. Yes our new babies need us, but so do our spouses. Men especially. They typically feel loved, by being intimate with their spouses, and when a baby comes, lets face it, we are not always ready to jump back in the sack, especially if this is your first. But to them, it feels like you dont love, and care for them anymore, since having sex is where they felt close to you, and feel loved through that act. And like anything else, if you do not cultivate it, or work at it, it will whither and die. It is hard to keep a marriage strong. It is hard especially when you have a new baby. I agree with the PP have a date, even if you dont leave the house. Put the baby to bed, get dressed, have dinner together, even take out, and maybe a movie, and just be together. I am not saying have sex, but enjoy each others company, and cuddle, and rekindle that love. Believe me he will love it, and so will you.

I understand where you are coming from, but my DH & I have always put our LO first & I don't see how that is putting us on "the fast track to an unhappy marriage"? I thought when you have kids they always come first. That's how I was brought up, anyway There's no reason to start a debate here, I was trying to give the OP what I thought was helpful advice.

Just because I am giving a POV that differs from yours does mean I am starting a debate. And you misread my post. When you put your children, and I am not talking about infants, but consistantly, over years put your children first all the time, your marriage will suffer. This is not my opinion, this is fact. I have been married a long time, and have, lots of children, and have found myself in this same position after the birth of our first. And it was hard. I am not saying "you" generally speaking will suffer this, so please dont take it personally.

 

[LadyHutch]

Seriously, I had enough debating in the third trimester and second trimester boards. Lets not do it here, there is enough drama just being post partum.


Anyway, I am laying here next to him and he is snoring away. I want to punch his face in for being a distant asshole. I have nothing left to say to him. I am so disappointed in him right now. He is breaking my heart.

 

[AirForceWife7]

I'm sorry you're going through this OP Have you tried talking to him yet & explaining how you feel? x

 

[elephant29]

I think you have a case of the baby blues. I had this for roughly about 6 weeks. I cried all the time, I accused OH of not loving me, of cheating, of wanting to be with other women. Then when I wasnt voicing these concerns I sat and thought about them over and over. I almost drove myself mad! I completely and utterly mourned my old life and thought I had ruined OH's life by having the baby. I also think the emotions of breastfeeding play a major part.

Will it help to even know that this will pass? If it is baby blues you will begin to feel better. You will start to realise that life is different but this doesnt have to be a bad thing. When things begin to settle down a little, when you both start getting more sleep you will start to appreciate each other again and be able to talk openly without so much emotion being involved.

Just my opinion but I think for the first few months of your LO's life, you have to put them first. It's not always a choice, but necessity. They are tiny little bundles who can do nothing for themselves therefore you are responsible for making sure they are happy, looked after and safe. Your OH (in general not just yours) should have exactly the same feelings.

xxx

 

[HungryHippo]

I have rough moments where I feel like DH only wants to be around the baby when she's sleeping or quietly entertaining herself. And of course I feel like he doesn't want to be around me when I'm a crying exhausted mess. Most of the time he's reassuring and a calming presence...but I DO know I can be a bit much for him. Like maybe he feels like he has to take care of the baby AND me when I'm in a nuts phase. There's really no magic answer I've found...I just tell myself that these are just moments...maybe a few hours...but it does pass. Your hormones are still going bonkers...not to mention the lack of sleep. And I'm a huge advocate of DH's carrying their weight. I'll call out mine for "hiding". We need breaks, too... I hope it's gotten better since your post!

 

[LadyHutch]

I think things are a little better this morning...somehow we ended up having sex for the first time since the baby was born last night. It wasn't great, but it was sex.

We aren't being so cold to each other so far this morning. I am hoping we can do something together as a family this weekend sometime after we are done working.

 

[AirForceWife7]

Sounds like a good idea to have a family outing & the sex may not have been great, but you've got to start somewhere You're only 3 weeks PP & you've already had successful sex I'm pretty jealous as we didn't DTD until I was a proper 2 months PP!