Would like a Doula but DH being a d*ck about it

[phrumkidost]

Other than DH, I am completely alone in this country, with no family and no close friends near by. I've looked forward to birth as an empowering experience and always imagined having a team of wonderful women with me when I go through it. Well, it's not possible to have any family or girlfriends with me, so I thought I would go for a Doula. But DH is totally against it! Each time it's come up we fought for an entire day about it. I feel he is being totally irrational!

Anyone been through something similar? How did you navigate?

 

[iwantabub]

I never knew that a doula even existed until reading this forum...

I guess u have to put yourself in his shoes... if he asked if he could bring a mate you only just met to help him through the birth would u be haooy about it? Men are so bad at empathy and puttting themselves in your shoes so maybe just sit down clamly and explain why it means so much to uour... if your that dead set on it and he still doesnt want to comprimise then tell him too baf and your doing it anyway haha..

In all seroousness. I dunno how much those things cost but I would not pay to have some random at my birth... expert or not... however I might pay for a plane ticket for a friend or family member to come if I was in your position... depening on flight costs maybe give that a go?(sorry just re read your post and u said probably niot possible)

Tell dh he has to learn how to do a duolas job if he wont let u have one ahaha

 

[Pielette]

What are his reasons for not wanting you to have a doula?

 

[phrumkidost]

Yeah, the ideal thing would be to have someone I know and trust there. My mom's already said she can't make it. My sister can, but she's never been around birth and doesn't know what to expect.

I do have a good girlfriend who's been through it before, and I could see if she would be willing to come. But it's closer to $2,000 for that plane ticket rather than $1,000 for Doula.

I can understand it's a lot of money for what seems like a little. But from what I hear she makes several trips to your house and gets to know you and what you want in your birth. She'll intervene with the Dr on your behalf if need be. The reviews are all great. But maybe I'm making too much of it?

On the other hand, I bought him a $2,500 pair of binoculars for X-mas two years ago. You'd think this would seem like small peanuts!

 

[phrumkidost]

What are his reasons for not wanting you to have a doula?

He thinks it's a scam -- that it's way too much money and she won't do anything. He says women give birth all the time and they just have to push a few times and it's done.

 

[Pielette]

Personally I don't think $1000 is that a big a deal, and it sounds like you can afford it. If you can afford it with no problems I don't think the money argument holds much weight.

He's right, women give birth all the time. But some women have birth experiences that disappoint them at best and severely affect them at worst. We are at our most vulnerable and sometimes during birth we can forget what we originally set out wanting, some hospitals (SOME, not all) are very much in favour of pain relief and push it on a mother who didn't really want it to start with but can't stand up for herself because she's exhausted and emotional. To have that doula there to stick up for you and keep you calm sounds invaluable to me.

I had my mum and my DH at my birth, both were great actually but funnily enough I think they both helped each other out too. It might be an idea to remind him that she would be an extra support, it wouldn't all be on him when he hasn't been through the experience before. Men can find it very difficult to see their partner struggling and have no way to help.

Keep working on him but stay calm with it. Do some research and show him statistics on interventions, natural births and c-sections. I'd try to involve him as much as possible. You've got some time. It took me a long time to convince my DH to have our home birth but he came round in the end, once I'd bombarded him with research!

 

[Tinkabell1]

Sorry for asking but I've never heard of a doula before what does it mean? Thanks x

 

[sue_88]

Your body, your birth, your choice!

 

[babyhopes2010]

i couldnt justify the cost. plus they would just irritate me

but if its something to help he needs to shut up! his not the one who is going to experience all the pain lol

 

[girlinyork]

If you're using your own money then I'd do it anyway. YOU are the one pushing this baby out and he is VERY naive if he thinks it's "just a few pushes" and they're out. Has he even looked into a pregnancy book? People go through chemotherapy every day but that doesn't make it less scary. Seriously - if it's your money, it's your choice and any attempt by him to control your freedom to do so is abuse. If I didn't have my mum around and could afford it I would totally get a doula

 

[floatingbaby]

Hey sweetie

Sorry this is a struggle for you guys. I think this is a pretty big deal and would try to find a way to discuss it without fighting (hard, I know). The way I see it, this is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. AND the most important; you need experienced and knowledgeable support.

I definitely want someone at my birth, as a birth coach (doula) who has confidence, experience, the time for you and your best interests in mind - but not the doctor (medical professional is necessary, yes, but not the same as a doula/birth coach/caring midwife). I want someone to look into my eyes and tell me I can do this, tell me I am doing great, rub my back when DH is holding me up... you know. And I think it is important to have someone be your voice when you are in labour and struggling and a doctor tries to push an intervention. You need someone who is able to stand up to the doctor. I have heard that many dads, especially first time dads, are not comfortable with doing that, they just want mom and baby to get through it healthy and quickly

I don't think the cost it too much. I think the stress and uncertainty you might go through without a support person is too much of a cost A PP said that they wouldn't want a stranger at the birth, but doulas are only as much a stranger at the birth as a doctor or midwife. Care and appointments begin during pregnancy and reach to postpartum.

I would find positive doula information to share with your DH. And say, "let's just meet the doula, together" and see how he likes her. I wouldn't pressure and I wouldn't say "I'm getting this whether you like it or not" b/c it's going to be very important to have his support for the birth! Just regularly share with him how important this is to you. And if it keeps coming down to $$ I would get productive and earn the money to pay for it. Either work an extra few shifts, or sell some things, or cut back on buying something. It can be totally affordable and will be so worth it Good luck xox

 

[9jawife]

If you're using your own money then I'd do it anyway. YOU are the one pushing this baby out and he is VERY naive if he thinks it's "just a few pushes" and they're out. Has he even looked into a pregnancy book? People go through chemotherapy every day but that doesn't make it less scary. Seriously - if it's your money, it's your choice and any attempt by him to control your freedom to do so is abuse. If I didn't have my mum around and could afford it I would totally get a doula

I agree 110%. Men don't go through pregnancy and birth, so they don't get a say in our choices. Period. My husband is letting me decide everything--hospital vs. home birth, midwife or OB, epidural or no epidural.. As it should be. I actually wish he would be MORE opinionated, but I'll take this over controlling!

 

[Dtswife]

If you have netflix, search More Business of Being Born. There are 4 episodes and one of them is mostly ABOUT doulas, what they do, how they help and it provides statistics for the improved outcomes they help create.

Aaaaand, he needs to watch some birth videos. "Few pushes and it's out?" Yeah, sugar's in for a surprise and, if he keeps thinking and expecting that, you'll NEED a doula!

 

[funinthesun]

I think you should explain to him that you want a female there for support and let him know that labour can go on for days for some people. In the end its completely your decision. He's not the one giving birth, you are.

 

[qpaulina42]

I had a doula at my first birth and will again at my second. Yes, there is some money involved but I credit my doula with the positive overall experience that was my daughter's birth. I don't want you guys fighting but your DH is seriously underestimating what is involved in giving birth, in fact his attitude is sort of pissing me off. I think other ladies had far more constructive advice.