WTT#1..Feeling distant from friends

[butterbaby]

I've been feeling lonely/frustrated with friends lately.. I've never had lots of friends, I tend to have a few close ones but I'd say I get along with most people.

Out of my 4 'close' friends I have 2 that are single and very busy with their careers and dating. Another just got engaged and is also very busy with shift work so I see her here and there. The last one is due to give birth in about a month and is obviously very preoccupied with that. I have tried to reach out to her more since I feel like she is closest to me in terms of 'life stages' but she has lots of friends and I feel like I am not as important to her as she is to me.

Ever since I got married I feel like my single friends stopped inviting me out to do anything. I realize I don't have the same interests in going out to meet guys but I see photos of them having 'girl nights' and it hurts. I've tried to tell them without sounding like a whiny child but they continue to leave me out, even with my husband working out of town most of the time!

Sometimes I feel like I should have better friend supports before I have a child yet I feel like if they're not ready for that stage of life then they might not be as present as I'd hope. On the other hand I feel like I can't have a baby soon enough because then I could meet Moms who I'd likely relate better with.

I'm glad my husband is my best friend but part of me questions if the moment we declared that was the beginning of a change with my friends.

Anyone else going through something similar?

 

[ttc126]

Hi Hon, I'm not currently in this situation but I wanted to say that once you have a baby, you'll meet so many new friends. I've met friends at church, mommy groups, even the pediatrician! I don't think you need to already have a bunch of friends in the same life stage before you ttc

With that said, I know exactly how you feel. Right now, i still feel left out and isolated from my friends without kids. I try to keep up with their lives and still go to events and invite them to mine. My best friend from college has very little to do with me now. She's married but no kids yet and likes to still do lots of shopping (I don't have $ like that anymore), go out to dinners later at night (my ds bedtime is 7), have parties all the time (they're not really child friendly and I don't have anyone to watch ds1), and she feels just as out of place when I invite her to do stuff with me...like the zoo or coming over for dinner instead of going out.

We're just in different places. It doesn't mean we aren't friends, but other friendships are more of a priority now on both sides. It's nothing personal.

I know you'll have no trouble making lots of mommy friends and I'm sending you so much baby dust for ttc

 

[callmedan]

i feel like this! i work in a school which is mostly female staff, theres a few around my age and i feel like i get left out of things because im engaged/settling down..
when i did go out with everyone they were just talking about how they need to find men like my OH (wont tell him that one dont want him getting too big headed!)
i know they dont mean to but they do treat me differently and i think its because they see me as settling down too young maybe?..

its really hard but i recently reconnected with some old friends who are in the same position as me and that was lots better! and like ttc126 said, when we have babies there will be loads of opportunities to meet new mums in the same position as us!

 

[MummaMoo]

Absolutely agree from experience with what has been said.

Growing up I lived in a small town with few friends, the one I did have treated me like a doormat most of the time.
Everyone I work with are in their late 40's/50's so no real connection with them outside of work. I moved to a larger town to be with my OH and until we had Sophie, I didn't know anyone socially. Now, I go to a couple of baby groups and have made friends through them, a work colleagues daughter attended one so meet with her regularly, my hairdresser has had her baby so we have play dates with her too.. plus I've stayed friends with one of the ladies that was on the same ward as me.

You'll gain a new circle of friends - but I do understand how you're feeling at the moment.

 

[kittiecat]

I feel a bit like that atm. I'm sort of inbetween with a lot of my friend groups. On one hand are the friends who already have kids and are past that baby/broody stage and the other hand are the singletons who are showing no sign of wanting to settle down any time soon. I do feel like I don't have many friends and hope that when I do have a child I can get involved in baby groups etc and make more friends that way.

 

[butterbaby]

Thank-you all for your support. I think the loneliness is stinging extra hard right now because DH has been working out of town since mid September with only a few days home here and there and I'm used to him always being around. Props to all you ladies whose partners are on the road all the time, I don't think I could do it!

I also just started a new job in September so I'm trying to feel that situation out. I'm the youngest person there (and I'm almost 28) in a group of all women who have kids so it's tough to add to their conversations. I feel so naive about parenting when I listen to all their stories but it still hasn't deterred me so I guess that's good!

I think the best way to describe how I'm feeling right now is 'in limbo'. Like kittiecat described, not quite fitting in with the singles but not quite fitting in with the families. Callmedan, I had to laugh when you said your friends are looking for guys like your OH. Recently when I was talking to my Dad about not seeing my friends, he reminded me that they were simply 'trying to find what I already have.' Ah wise father, you're right but it still hurts.

Anyways I guess it's just gonna be a tough transition period and probably high levels of BnB use!

 

[aidensxmomma]

I keep going through this in different ways. I was 16 when I had my first, so I transitioned into that settled down stage of life really early and obviously none of my friends were in that same stage. Then there was a short amount of time where they were all starting to get more settled which was great because, while I already had kids, our lives seemed to match up much more closely. My two best friends and I actually all got pregnant within days of each other.

But then after my youngest was born, my ex and I started having problems and eventually separated. So I've spent the last two years in another "limbo" stage with my friends because I was single while they were all getting engaged/married and TTC and everything. Now I've got my OH but we're not close to getting engaged or TTC and my kids are school age while my friends' kids are 3 and under. I feel like I just can't win when it comes to being in the same life stage as them.

It's definitely rough and can be really lonely at times.

 

[NZKiwi]

I'm the same, and like you am hoping to make new friends though baby related stuff.

My two close friends moved away at the start of this year for career opportunities, my remaining friends are very most definitely not child friendly, they think people who settle down and have babies are squares and although I'm confident it won't change who I am - it won't matter to them anyway, I don't think they would really stick around and see. But that's okay, I know that if/when I get pregnant (ttc end of Dec) then I will most likely lose those few friends I have left, they don't even know I'm going to try to have one! but yeah, am hopeful to make new ones who are at the same life stage as me.

I love my close friends but being in contact via FB chat, Snapchat, txt etc is just not the same as having someones physical presence. It's reassuring to know it's not just me who feels this way - I guess that's a good indicator that we are likely to meet new friends in the various baby related groups - cos from what I see on this board, other women in them will be feeling exactly the same as us and will be on the look out for new friends too!

 

[butterbaby]

aidensxmomma - that sounds really tough, I can't even imagine. Did you find once your friends became moms that you reconnected?

NZKiwi - I'm glad I'm not the only one looking forward to meeting new friends. I was feeling a bit lame for wanting to make friends at baby groups but it makes perfect sense now that I really think about it.

 

[prettybirdy27]

I get this feeling 100%. Before I settled down and got married, I was president of a sorority, and I had 20+ women that I could call at any time and hang out with, plus lots of friends in other areas of my life. At any given time, there were always a dozen women that I considered close friends. But college ended, and lot of the women (including myself) moved away from the area, got careers, got married, and settled down, and fell out of contact. Now I have two close female friends - one from the sorority, one from work - and that's it. It's terribly lonely to think there used to be 20+ women to hang out with at any time, but now I have two friends, one that lives three hours away and one that is always busy with work. There are no women that I can text and say "Let's go out for dinner!" So I started becoming close friends with my MIL, which is a poor substitute.

Last weekend I went to the wedding of a friend and sorority sister, and I got really depressed during the MOH speech while she was talking about all the things that she and the bride do together. The bride and I used to get monthly manicures and have girl time - now the MOH was the bride's manicure buddy. In fact, the bride and I have barely spoken over the last year or so.

Anyway, enough lamenting about myself, I just wanted to let you know that I'm in the same boat.

 

[aidensxmomma]

aidensxmomma - that sounds really tough, I can't even imagine. Did you find once your friends became moms that you reconnected?

NZKiwi - I'm glad I'm not the only one looking forward to meeting new friends. I was feeling a bit lame for wanting to make friends at baby groups but it makes perfect sense now that I really think about it.

With some of them, we did reconnect once they became moms. We weren't as close as we once were, but we weren't as distant as we had been either. I've also made a few more friends who are moms. Once you have kids, I think it's easier to make friends sometimes because if you're both moms, you've already got a lot in common