Hi I probably am going to sound like the worst mother in the history of planet earth. Im around 9 weeks pregnant & ive been on Xanex for so long i cant even remember when i started. I take it not when i have anxiety but i take 4mgs daily to prevent a seriouse full blown breakdown. I have PTSD & sevier anxiety/panic attacks. I was told by several doctors that i would never get pregnant due to SEVERE trama done to me when i was younger & 2 weeks after my 21st birthday i was rushed into the ER for horrible cramps and vomiting, later i found out i was pregnant. I was shocked, scared, happy & just about everything every women on this page felt at the time they found out they were pregnant. I dont drink i dont smoke & i dont do drugs, but I am perscribed 16mgs of suboxone a day because i am an ex heroin addict (clean for almost a year) and if the doctors told me i could go off the suboxone without harming the baby i would in a heart beat but the withdrawls would kill the baby almost instantly. But my biggest problem is i cant get off the xanex. Ive talked to my OBGYN & they have told me to talk to my therapist about the xanex but i cant bring myself to do it so its causing me to sometimes take even more then im perscribed because im so scared & it causes me to have paralizing panic attacks. I want this baby more then anything & i know i sound like a selfish piece of shit but the reality is i feel almost as if ive already done the damage to my baby & that makes me barely able to look myself in the mirror. I see all the other post about mothers worrying about taking .5mgs 3 or 4 times while they were pregnant and that makes me feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I go to the best hospital on Long Island & ive told them my xanex intake & all they have told me to do is talk to my doctor perscribing the xanex to me. So ive decided to call my doctor (xanex dr) tomorrow & tell her everything. Id tell her in person but im in Florida taking care of my elderly great grandparents. Im not sure if im looking for a response to this post because if i were to read this idk whether i would have sympathy for the person or make it my mission to let them know how much a piece of shit they are, i guess i just needed to get out how i was feeling & at this point idc if im judged for it i should be, if my baby is hurt in any shape or form it is directly my fault & i cant live with myself if thats the case. so there it is out on the internet for anyone to see how pathetic & weak i really am.