Your kids being horrible to others....

[karlilay]

Madi has had a real tough time starting preschool and adjusting. She loves it there now though, and she started just before her 4th birthday so she is one of the oldest.

Shes only been going since Sept, but an old freind who i used to work with started her little girl in the same preschool recently. And Madi has taken a real dislike to her.

Last week when i picked her up, they said 'Madi has been really unkind to M today, M just wanted to play with her'

I was so shocked, its not like her AT ALL. When i spoke to her she said M had been blowing in her hair, and it was annoying her, and she just wanted to play with another little girl. Anyway, all week i have been reminding her how sad she would feel if another little girl didnt want to play with her, and she should be kind to others. I also told her, its fine if she wants to play with the other little girl, but maybe they could let M play to.

Today i picked her up and they said she wasnt nice again. And she had told them that i said it was ok if she didnt want to play with M. And she doesnt because she just wants to play with her friend.

Dont really know what to do from here, my heart breaks for this little girl who obviously just wants to play. But then i think not everyone can be friends with everyone, and im not sure how far i should push it.

 

[hattiehippo]

It's really hard isn't it - I do think it's important not to make kids play or be friends with other children if they don't want to but they should still be kind and not be mean to them. Tom comes home from preschool and tells me about kids he doesn't like and aren't his friends and I tend to say that's fine but that he must still be gentle and nice to them.

I would tell the preschool staff that you have asked Madi to try and include the other kid as its the kind thing to do but that obviously she's only 4 and should also be free to choose who she plays with. They should be keeping on eye on the situation and helping the other kid to find other friends to play with or other activities to do. I personally wouldn't tell her that she has to include the other girl if she just wants to play with other children rather than she is being mean to this girl.

 

[Eternal]

Tough one, I think you are doing all the right things, you can't force her to be friends but can remind her not be to cruel, what did she do anyway, if they are describing it as really mean?

The only thing I would be inclined to do is ask they nursery for their advice, even if they are not helpful it reassures them that you are taking it seriously.

My son is a bit of a live wire, and of course when I am around I can control it but its awkward when he is a at nursery or playgroup, so I understand.

 

[karlilay]

Thankyou both. They have sort of brushed it off as one of those things i think. But i feel so sorry for this other little girl.

They never really told me what she did Eternal. When i picked her up last week two different teachers antt different times came up to me, and said she hadnt been very nice to this other little girl. But i know it wouldnt be physical, she not like that, and they would have told me. I guess it was probably, i dont want to play with you etc etc. Maybe they thought i should know as its very out of character for her.

Parenting is so tough.

 

[seoj]

Sounds like you handled it the best I could advise. If it were me, I'd tell my kid they didn't HAVE to like or play with all other kids- but to try to include them or be nice. It's hard though as kids are just so honest and don't always know how their actions or words may affect others- to them, they are just stating how they feel (matter of factly).

Have you asked the staff to be more specific? It honestly doesn't sound like she's being "mean"- just not wanting to play with that particular girl. It could also just take a bit of time for them to warm up to one another- as this other girl is new and your LO is used to how things were before? Just a thought. But, if she was doing or saying something you didn't feel was Ok- I'd address it more specifically. Like you have been.

It only get's more complicated as they get older- my SD would be BFF's then mortal enemies with the same girl in a weeks time! Then back to BFFs! LOL. That all started so young- especially grade school/middle school... fortunately, it got much better the older she got. Still girl drama- as usual, but not all the silliness. Well...

 

[SerenityNow]

I've always taught my kids that they can make their own choices about what they want to do at playtime and if another child wants to join them they must be included.

Their school is really big on expecting children to include each other but one wrinkle in that philosophy is that sometimes a child will, for example, want their friends to play tag and if their friends want to do something else the child will claim that his friends are excluding him.

So I'm always clear with my kids that everyone gets to make their own choices but by excluding someone you are taking away their choice and that is isn't okay.

 

[karlilay]

Bit of an update with this. On Tue they told me she had been quite mean to a little boy, who is only 2. She had locked him in the wendy house

I have spoken to her in debth about all this. And it is always comes back the same thing - that she wants to be left alone. With the little girl i mentioned, Madi told me she kept following her around and blowing in her hair, and she didnt want her to. So she told her to go away.

With this litte boy, she said he was following her around and she was trying to get away from him, but he wouldnt leave her alone so she locked him the the house.

I have spoken to her teachers and told them, and iv also told her to go to them and tell them she would like to play on her own. Which she apparently did on Fri. But she has been as good a gold again.