You're complaining to ME??

[SucreK]

Hey ladies.

Just needed to vent to a group I think will understand. So I have a friend who had her second baby a month ago via C-section. She knows I also had a C-section, so she was texting me to gripe about the discomfort, annoyance, etc. No problem. I am happy to lend an ear.

BUT after the 100th or so text of "I'm soooo uncomfortable!", "I want more pain killers!", "I can barely sleep!", I had to gently remind her that I went through all of that, but was also driving to another state daily (starting day 3 after my C-section) to visit my baby who had been medically transported for multiple surgeries. And that the isolettes were kept at a standing-only height, so I would spend hours on my feet every day. After the C-section. And that I refused the narcotics and took Motrin so that I could legally drive myself to visit my daughter. Oh, and I was also taking care of her TWIN at the same time back home.

I hated taking it there, but she knows my story and I felt like it was really, really tone-deaf of her to complain to me ALL THE TIME. Like, know your audience!!!

Does anyone else have moments like this?

/end rant

 

[LoraLoo]

Not really, just because you experienced a section too and were driving after 3 days doesn't mean that her pain and discomfort isn't valid.
When I'm talking to new mums I'm not thinking or saying 'well least your baby didn't die' - I listen because I'm their friend and because their problems are an issue to them at the time regardless of if was a less traumatic problem than my own.

 

[AngelUK]

LoraLoo Id find it incredibly insensitive of any of your friends to complain about anything baby related to you. You have my very deepest sympathies, I am sure I cannot even fathom the pain you must have gone through.

SucreK, I do get what you mean. I am sure she is in pain, I remember it well from my own csection but of course there comes a point, especially after what you went through, where you just want to say Suck it up sister! But the fact that you are not saying it to her but just here to let off steam is very kind xx

 

[LoraLoo]

I thought she did say it to her? My mistake.

Oh yes Angel, they do, but I think it's just what Mums do. I don't think it makes them any less grateful, they just sometimes don't think. Think all new mums like to moan now n again me included 😊

 

[SucreK]

Loraloo, I can't even imagine. We had many touch-and-go moments, and your pain must be immense. I'm so sorry.

Trust me when I say that for the first 100 text messages I was VERY supportive. Suggested different ways to sleep, things to try, drove over with my twins in tow to leave my post-natal belly binder on her front step (it helped me with the post-csection pain), left dinner/desserts on her front step, etc. (I didn't want to bother her with a visit--I know how it is with newborns). And when I did finally remind her of my situation, it definitely wasn't in a "stop talking to me!" tone. It was in a "I get it--I was in pain, too, plus had other things to contend with" tone. I honestly feel like I would've wanted my friend to say the same thing to me, if the situation was reversed. We all get myopic--that's human nature--but I don't think it's wrong to be (again, gently) reminded that it could be worse.

AngelUK--you hit the nail on the head. I just needed a spot to vent, so I took it here. I'm sorry if that wasn't totally clear from the first post.

 

[SucreK]

A more eloquent way of expressing what I was thinking--this article on the Ring Theory of kvetching: https://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Basically, comfort in, dump out.

 

[AngelUK]

I did get that you had said something to her but I think I would have been far less kind and just told her to go and see her doctor if she was concerned about the pain or otherwise to just suck it up. lol maybe I am a bit mean that way

 

[Topanga053]

I just wanted to chime in as someone from the OTHER side! I have a singleton and didn't have a section. But I have a close friend who had multiples who were in the NICU for awhile. We (obviously) talk about our kids and I mention in passing different issues as they arise (ie LO was fussy, in tired, etc), but there is NO WAY I would complain a lot to HER!!! It's like someone who hasn't eaten in three hours complaining to a starving orphan non-stop that they're hungry.

Your friend's pain is obviously valid and it's great that she can turn to you, but I think complaining that MUCH is a little silly and, frankly, a little insensitive. Instead, you should serve as a reminder of how much harder it COULD be and she should step back and be grateful!

(And btw, I REALLY admire your strength for what you went through. Again, I didn't have a section, but I've heard how excruciating the recovery is, so I can't imagine doing what you did!! You're one tough mama and a very good friend!!)

 

[SucreK]

I just wanted to chime in as someone from the OTHER side! I have a singleton and didn't have a section. But I have a close friend who had multiples who were in the NICU for awhile. We (obviously) talk about our kids and I mention in passing different issues as they arise (ie LO was fussy, in tired, etc), but there is NO WAY I would complain a lot to HER!!! It's like someone who hasn't eaten in three hours complaining to a starving orphan non-stop that they're hungry.

Your friend's pain is obviously valid and it's great that she can turn to you, but I think complaining that MUCH is a little silly and, frankly, a little insensitive. Instead, you should serve as a reminder of how much harder it COULD be and she should step back and be grateful!

(And btw, I REALLY admire your strength for what you went through. Again, I didn't have a section, but I've heard how excruciating the recovery is, so I can't imagine doing what you did!! You're one tough mama and a very good friend!!)

Wow, you literally made my day (I'm sorta tearful over here!). Thank you so much! I realize my first post may have made me sound pretty flippant and grumpy (I was pretty grumpy that day...), but what I was trying to get across was that it was hurtful that she seemed to forget EVERYTHING I went through. I love my friends and of course I want to talk to them about their lives and experiences, and I'm happy to commiserate about things like sucky C-section recoveries! But while she got to recover at home with her sweet new baby in the bassinet next to her, I had to pull myself out of bed (and away from my OTHER new baby who was home), and drive across state lines, usually to hear more bad news about how my daughter was doing. It was the darkest time of my life and I felt sort of invalidated when she felt like it was okay to complain to me for weeks about her recovery. I felt like saying, "What I wouldn't have given to have my baby home and not seen machines do for her what her body should've been doing--I would've had a million C-sections for that."

Sigh. Thank you again. I really appreciate you "getting" me on this one.

 

[SucreK]

But I have a close friend who had multiples who were in the NICU for awhile. We (obviously) talk about our kids and I mention in passing different issues as they arise (ie LO was fussy, in tired, etc), but there is NO WAY I would complain a lot to HER!!!

Also, you sound like a very thoughtful friend. It's awesome that you see where that line is about discussing things. For me, it's like, please tell me about your baby, how he's sleeping, what foods you're trying, how you worry about him not sitting up yet...(you get the idea). But if you try to tell me that you know exactly what I went through (or that you were DEVESTATED) because your baby needed to sit under the blue lights for a hour in the hospital for a tiny bit of jaundice, I'm going to start tuning out.

 

[cherrylips100]

I think your entitled to tell her to cool off a bit if she was complaining to that extent as there are only so many 'I hope you feel better soon' you can say to her. Although I am a little sympathetic as my csection hurt for nearly two months whilst everyone I knew who had one seemed to go back to normal straight away.