10yr old clashing with step dad

[DottyLottie]

My eldest daughter is 11 next month, in recent weeks (since we have moved country!) she has become really difficult at home and also with my mum, but particularly her step dad (who has raised her from age 3).

I understand her behaviour is frustrating (it drives me slightly mad of course), but I also understand that she has not had an easy time lately, and she is also at that age where her body is changing and her hormones are probably a little wild, she is a proper little Kevin the teenager, I used to think that show was exagerated, but gosh is it true!

My OH really does not (in my opinion) react well to her beahviour, he can be very antagonistic, sarcastic, often teases her and does very little to encourage or praise her when she is being good. He is not (and in fairness has never been) particularly loving towards my two older children, he has treated them very well and cares about them and loves them in his own way I am sure, but not the same as he does our third (his biological) child.

A lot of my daughters outburts are aimed at him, she has recently said she hates him a couple of times and this has really upset him.
He gets so angry and goes mad and says he won't even bother speaking to her again, and this makes me furious.
The way I see it, HE IS THE ADULT, and he is behaving as badly as her.
Also, I completely understand how my duaghter must be feeling.

We moved her to a foreign country, she never settled, and is painfully shy, and has now had to suffer the upheaval of coming back etc.
She has a new sister who she dotes on, but also has to watch her step dad fawn over and love like he has probably never done for her, I can see how this might make her feel a bit dejected.
On top of all of this, she is at a funny age, she doesnt have the best control of her emotions and is not great at articulating her feelings, frustrating times for her no?

Ever since the new baby was born I have tried to tell my OH he needs to pay more attention to the gils, tell them he loves them more and hug them more, he hasn't taken much notice.
I hate the way he reacts when she is stroppy, he can be very sarcastic and antagonistic and I feel this only makes the situation worse. He thinks I am always siding with my daughter, and gets angry with me.

Ultimately, my kids come first, I love my OH but I think he is being ignorant, and I feel guilty that my daughter is clearly unhappy right now. As adults I feel me and OH should be able to help her work through her strops, but OH feels she should be punished and ignored because she is rude and horrible (and its true, she can be!), but he refuses to try and look at the igger picture, and see if WE can make adjustments to how we communicate with her.

At my wits end! Has anyone else been through this?

 

[louise1302]

im going through it right now

my eldest was 8 when i met dh and everything was fine until he hit about 10 1/2 or 11 and then he turned into a little nightmare

we have had shouting and swearing and even violence towards my dh from my son(not the other way around just incase anyone thought that)

i find ds tries to play us off against each other all the time and he likes nothing more than to see us having a row about him. my oh was much the smae as yours a little sarcastic and antagonistic

what works for us is not discussing things in front of him at all, not falling out in front of him especially about him, dh now leaves all discipline to me and i step in if he gets mouthy(ds lol) also oh is learning to ignore ds if he starts trying to goad him

things arent great still but they are better than what they were xx

 

[Ju_bubbs]

I went through the same thing with my OH, I think really it was one of the contributng factors to our split. Him and my 11 year old were like a couple of teenagers constantly!! I was at my wits end most of the time, no matter how much I talked to OH about it, and explained ways he could try 'dealing' with my son, nothing worked for more than 5 minutes and I was back to being a mum to an 11 year old, and a teenager! Sorry I can't help tho

 

[bumski]

wow! i have just read this and it is exactly how i can feel a lot of the time with DD and DH. DD is 10 going on 16 and DH is 28 going on 6 i think sometimes, dont get me wrong they can get on absolutely fine but i have found that this seems to happen more when im at work or out,
they can constantly bitch at each other and can fall out something rotten, and sarcasm......oh dont get me started
we have just come back from holiday and i found that the more time they spent together the more they seem to get to know each other and so they start to show more respect for each other
but........ we have been back for 2 weeks now and already they seem to be slipping into their little ways, i am starting to think that regular 1 on 1 with just them 2, i.e.. off to the pictures or park, will give them more time to really get to know each other. wish me luck