18 and WTC

[jaejory]

Hi there! I'm Jory, I'm 18 and currently waiting/trying to conceive with my 23 old husband. We are trying to plan conception date to determine the horoscope sign of our child as they tend to be quite accurate in terms of personalities. I'm hesitant to have a baby at the same time as attending college, but the more we think about it the more we know this is what we want.

I was wonderen if there was anyone out there who attended college while pregnant, or as a young mother? Any advice or guidance? How to break the news to my parents? I understand becoming a mother is something hard to be prepared for at any age, and having a child while in school just contributes to the list of challenges of being a young mother, but I truly think this is what is right for us.

Anything is appreciated. I don't have many people I can talk to about this, as many of our friends are much less mature in the realm of relationships, I married young and am beyond happy with my decisions leading up to this point. I feel many of my older friends (middle aged) would discourage me from conceiving at such a young age, but I truly do intend on going to school and pursuing my career. I believe growing with my husband will be completed by bringing an addition to the family. We both are flexible people whom work through anything thrown our way.

Am I crazy for wanting to start a family so young?

 

[Amygdala]

I wasn't in college when I had my first but in the middle of a postgraduate degree. I also have two friends who had babies while at university. Both of them eventually had to quit because they just couldn't find the time. My honest advice would be to rethink your plans and get college out of the way first. If you do college now, it'll be pretty quick and relatively easy. Throw a baby in there and it gets so so much harder. You're really young so if you have baby after finishing college, you'll still be a very young mum. That way, you can fully concentrate on college and do your best work there and then, more importantly, you can fully concentrate on your baby when they're here. Take it from someone who's been there for nearly 5 years: it sucks feeling constantly guilty to not have enough time for your baby and at the same time guilty and stressed for not having enough time to invest in your education. You've got time on your side, you can literally have it all.

 

[MindUtopia]

I think the thing I would encourage you to think about is how will you provide childcare while you continue with college and is there anything you would still like to do that you can't do easily once you have a baby. Being a parent makes everything in life much harder. You don't have much or any free time to yourself and it's not easy to do anything spontaneously anymore, like go out to dinner or travel. That doesn't mean you can never do those things, but they are harder to do with a small child in tow, especially if you don't have family who might help you, for instance, with childcare. Is there anything you feel you want to do just the two of you as a couple before you have a baby? I would try to think about those things and make sure you do them and have a chance to enjoy those times together. They'll make your relationship a lot stronger and a lot more likely to whether the storm of having a young child. Becoming parents is, I think, pretty rough on any relationship. It can be exhausting and stressful and it can be easy to lose track of each other as a couple when you are so fully focused on your child (and just getting through the day and sleeping!). Do the things now to make the most of your time together as a couple and do whatever you can to strengthen and shore up your relationship so you're ready when the time comes. We did lots of traveling before we had our daughter. We made sure we had lots of nights out for dinner and drinks. We slept in. We had days when we just focused on us. It was great. We don't have many days like that anymore, so I'm glad we made the most of it. I think we go out to dinner about 6 times a year now, maybe every 2 months. Make the most of this time together while you have it because having a baby changes everything.

As for school, I would just say think about how you will find and afford childcare for when you're in your classes and how you'll balance all your work outside of class. If you haven't started college yet, I'd start first, get used to it, and then reassess how much extra energy you have for a baby and how you'll fit college around parenting. It's a bit different because I'm older (35), but I'm doing a PhD. I had my daughter when I was 3 years into it, and I'll finish up this year (my daughter is 3 now, so it's been 7 years altogether). The hardest part really is just affording childcare. Though I had a whole year at home with her (took a year's leave of absence from my program), and then went back part-time while still being at home 2-3 days a week, now I'm back full-time 5 days a week. It's expensive. I pay about £850 (that's about $1200) a month for childcare during the day and then I also use time after she's gone to bed in the evening, which is easier now that she's older and goes to sleep easier. When she was younger, I used to just go to bed when she did because I was so tired or it would take 2 hours to get her to sleep anyway and that would just eat into my work time and then it would be time to go to bed before I could get to it. I'm lucky because I did have a whole year at home and then I was only part-time. I wouldn't have wanted to go back too soon or full-time right away though, so I would say wait until you're at a point when you can take some time off. They're only little for such a short time and if you miss those days, you don't get them back. If that means waiting a few years, it's worth it. Same with childcare. If you aren't sure you can afford childcare to finish college, get a good headstart on it first, see if family can help you, find ways to take online or evening classes when your husband can be home with the baby, but if none of that's possible, I would wait until it's easier and more affordable. I'm lucky to have some family help with paying for childcare (none of our family lives close enough to actually help take our daughter for a day) and that's made finishing possible. Without that, I don't know what I would have done. So yes, it's possible. I would just really know how much it's all going to cost and know how you can fit everything into a day without losing your mind or wanting to give up.

 

[sarah2211]

I agree with the others. It sounds like this is something that you and your husband have talked through, so kudos to you guys. It's far better to have talked through a plan than for it have happened accidentally and you're in a position where you're not really sure about what to do or how you'll handle it.

But in saying that, you're still young. I look back on where I was at 18. I'd been in a relationship for 4 years. I thought I was responsible and mature. I thought that I could have juggled both studying and a baby. I'm glad I thought twice. Looking back, I wasn't as mature as I thought I was, no one ever is. Also, I had a chance to be young, to enjoy being a student, to travel, to have my heartbroken and fall in love with my husband who I love in a way I could never have loved at 18 (or 23). I also learnt about myself, something most 18 year olds can't say they truly do. I studied hard, got my foot into a good job and my husband and I are now in a position where we are extremely financially stable. Now when we start our family, we will be in a position where I can be a stay at home parent and my husband has much more flexibility in his job to really enjoy these younger years with our family.

I don't mean to be rude, but if you're concerned about when your child is born because you think a horoscope is going to shape their personality.. It makes me think that you'd be best to wait and get some real life experience. Take some psychology and human development courses at College and learn a little about nature vs. nurture as a start.

At the very least, I'd suggest taking 12 months and rethink. Allow sometime to get into a good routine at college and in your marriage. If it's still what you want, then plan your budget, plan childcare, plan how you're going to make time to study and go to classes. Your uterus isn't going anywhere, give it a few years and allow yourself time to be yourself, married and young.

 

[OhHappyZ]

My sister had twins at 18. They are 2 months old now and she is struggling with everything, poor thing. She originally wanted to move here to Cali and go to college, but now she is so upset because everything is so much harder with kids. You are so young, when you turn 21 don't you want to go out and have fun and party like the young, fun girl you are? That wont be as fun when you are worried about who is taking care of your kids. College is nearly impossible, so you might as well put that off until the kid is 5 and in school. I wanted kids at a young age too, but now I am 27 and after the wedding will be so undeniably ready. It feels good to have made a plan and stuck to it. I really enjoyed my young twenties and am so glad I waited till I was more mature. I've been with my OH since I was 19 and have gone through crazy baby fever since the first day,but we have waited because the timing wasn't right. We got an apartment together, I finished college, I worked, he worked, we moved to a house, worked some more, saved up and now we have our own business, got engaged and will be married in two months and will be all ready with no doubts. I am so glad I waited. I'm sure you don't want a lecture, but those are my thoughts, take em or leave em ❤❤ xoxo best of luck to you with whatever you decide.

 

[AP]

Just as another thought, you might be lucky to time your conception but not so lucky to time birth - I'm living proof of that ��.
I agree with the above posters though, get the college stuff out the way. I've wanted to do further education but having the kids has made that so much harder.

 

[loeylo]

Don't do it yet. The reason that older friends are likely to discourage you is because they have more life experience and realise what a huge sacrifice having a kid is. It is the best thing in the world, but it is genuinely hard!

At 18 I was just finishing school, I was in a long term relationship and started university. I wasn't particularly into partying, and probably felt like if I got pregnant that I would cope. In hindsight, I really would not have coped!

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 21, still at uni (although not with my ex who I was with at 18, with my current partner) and even then we were terrified and felt "too young" - there is so much I have done with my life since 18 which I couldn't have done with a kid, like the following:

- Been on a girlie holiday
- Been on nice holidays with my OH
- Spontaneous nights out - drinking ones and just out to dinner.
- Become way more financially secure by finishing uni and getting a "good" job (my OH also worked up the career ladder)
- Spend my money on myself. I get such guilt when I buy myself clothes or makeup now, I haven't bought new clothes in over a year (aside a few maternity bits, two pairs of leggings and some cheap t shirts after I had her when I was still bigger than usual, and then a pair of jeans and a top for going out since none of my pre pregnancy stuff fits)
- I got another few years out of a non destroyed body. It sounds vain, but I got stretch marks in more places than I could imagine, and my hips are much wider than before despite only being 5lb heavier than when I fell pregnant. My hair is falling out in chunks and I have a huge scar from my c-section. At 26, I was resilient enough to deal with that, but at 18 I wouldn't have been.
-We bought a house. Theres no way we could have if we had a baby at 18 (not at the age we bought it at anyway)

I love my baby more than anything else, but in the early days, there was so much frustration andwe both felt constantly out of our depth. Our once really strong relationship was tested to the extremes and at times we both came close to walking away. Things are much better now that we are less tired, but it definitely isn't all nice.

As for the personality, I also agree with the PP that if you are worried about this then maybe you are not ready to become a parent yet. There is absolutely no science behind it, my baby is a mix of my personality (determined and needs to be entertained) and her dads personality (serious, headstrong and things have to be on her terms)- I have no idea what her horoscope says she should be likebut I'm sure if she had been born earlier or later then her personality would be no different. Its partially genetics and partially environment which shapes personality (so what my baby is like in a year may be different to how she is now as nurture starts to have a bigger told)

 

[staralfur]

I got pregnant halfway through a 4 year degree and my last two years ended up taking four years to complete. It is so, so hard. Even spacing my classes out big time and not taking too much on, my grades dropped an entire letter grade from what I was getting before I had my daughter. Having a baby took a lot more out of me mentally than I ever could have imagined and the tiredness for the first six months or so made it nearly impossible to focus as much on my schoolwork as I needed to.

I also feel like I missed out on some good university experiences and was in such a different place than everyone else in my classes that I found it very difficult to make friends. It might not sound like a big deal but I found it incredibly isolating.

I would take time for yourself to be young. I felt very mature for my age in my late teens and early twenties too but it doesn't change the fact that it's a time for you to just kind of live life for yourself. Your life becomes centred around a child as soon as you have one and I think unless you know of some medical issue that would make it hard for you to conceive in a few years once you've got your own life on its tracks, I would give it time.

 

[arturia]

Hi there! I'm Jory, I'm 18 and currently waiting/trying to conceive with my 23 old husband. We are trying to plan conception date to determine the horoscope sign of our child as they tend to be quite accurate in terms of personalities. I'm hesitant to have a baby at the same time as attending college, but the more we think about it the more we know this is what we want.

I was wonderen if there was anyone out there who attended college while pregnant, or as a young mother? Any advice or guidance? How to break the news to my parents? I understand becoming a mother is something hard to be prepared for at any age, and having a child while in school just contributes to the list of challenges of being a young mother, but I truly think this is what is right for us.

Anything is appreciated. I don't have many people I can talk to about this, as many of our friends are much less mature in the realm of relationships, I married young and am beyond happy with my decisions leading up to this point. I feel many of my older friends (middle aged) would discourage me from conceiving at such a young age, but I truly do intend on going to school and pursuing my career. I believe growing with my husband will be completed by bringing an addition to the family. We both are flexible people whom work through anything thrown our way.

Am I crazy for wanting to start a family so young?

You aren't crazy. Your life choices are ultimately nobody's decision but your own. Others have brought up good points though.

Money will likely be a huge issue when it comes to this decision. College costs money, as does the childcare necessary to go through with it. If your husband is able to support you both, this will be a lot easier. Between college and a baby, you might not have time for a part-time job. Also do ensure you have adequate insurance, if you are American.

Secondly is the experiences angle. If you don't desire any of that (partying, expensive vacations, crazy experiences, sleep ) and wouldn't choose to experience it anyways, you're probably set here too.

Thirdly are the benefits: Being young, you'll have a far easier time conceiving and keeping up with the subsequent child. You won't need to interrupt your career for a maternity leave. You'll have less of a chance of complications, birth defects, genetic errors, you name it.

If this is the choice you want for yourself and your life, I don't think you should delay. But do go in wide-eyed about the challenges, particularly the money one. It's a big part of why many couples wait until they are older.

 

[kksy9b]

Completely agree with arturia here. There are a lot of reasons to wait, which have been brought up. But ultimately only you and your husband know what is best for you.

I think I would add that its not impossible to go to school and be a mom. But no matter what your age, it is really really hard to do both. Be prepared to spend all free time from baby studying. Be prepared for your program to take twice as long because its just not possible to go to class and study the amount you need to go full time and care for a child. Be prepared to be on a tight budget and make a lot of sacrifices (out to eat, vacations, clothes etc) Its just being realistic. You will never regret the children you choose to have. But it is certainly easier when you are done with school and start working.

I know that pull for children is a strong one. There are benefits to having babies young. I think the reason people older caution you to wait is because we have been through life at 18 vs 25 vs 30 and know the difference those few years bring is massive.

Like I said, you won't regret the children you have and only you know what is best for you. My best advice is to give it a year and get through the first year of school. That will help you see if you will be able to do both and revisit down the road.

My husband and I got together at 16, married at 20 and our first baby born at 26 so trust me when I say i know how hard that wait is because from 20 I wanted a baby. But I am so so grateful we waited until we were done with school and financially secure so I could stay home. Our relationship had time to mature to weather the impossibly difficult adjustment to having a baby.

Best of luck to you hun

 

[babyv13]

I'm in 3rd year of an honours degree and had my DD between 1st and 2nd year (took a year out when I got pregnant at the end of 1st year). I can't describe how difficult it is to be honest. it's not impossible, but it's hard! my DD was planned and we had been trying for 2 years but despite that I still miss things that I didn't think I would miss at all. I agree with a previous poster who said that it can be quite isolating. I'm an outgoing kind of person who can make friends very easily but it's difficult to form strong bonds with people when I can't go out after uni or anything, and it's frustrating because they just don't understand why I can't. they think it's as easy as getting a babysitter they don't get that I don't WANT to leave my DD because I already miss out on so much time because of uni and work.

my course is very full on and I also have to work to pay myself through it, and sometimes I want to just run away because of all the demands on me. I stick it out because of my DD and wanting us to have a nice, comfortable life as well as wanting to be a good role model to her. I don't regret having her and I do see that there are some advantages of having a child while at uni, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone!

ETA: I am 28 - I was 25 when I had my DD