20 things angel mom's wish you would know...stolen from facebook

[Tatertot]

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.



2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.



3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.



4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her..



5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.



6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.



7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.



8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.



9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.



10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.



11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.



12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.



13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.



14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.



15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.



16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.



17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.



18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is sometimes uncomfortable for me. Some days I'll be jealous and others it will give me hope.



19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.



20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

 

[kiki04]

I love this

 

[Vickieh1981]

This should be on the leaflets they give you at the hospital x

 

[Tatertot]

This should be on the leaflets they give you at the hospital x

You got a leaflet at the hospital? I got nothing. Must be a cultural difference or something.

No that's not true, I got some semi-helpful stuff. A memory box and stuff, but no advice about what to expect feelings wise...

 

[Vickieh1981]

I got a leaflet with useful places to go for support etc. How cruel to give you nothing when he died

 

[Tatertot]

It seems that things in the US are very different from the UK. Everyone I know who had a baby die in the states was given very little support. We were advised to seek counseling, but weren't given a referral. Told to call if we needed anything, but told who to call.

Some of the difference may be related to miscarriage vs. still birth vs. neonatal death.

 

[Rhio92]

Thankyou - My aunt lost a lot of babies, I'm going to giver her a call... x

 

[kiki04]

In Canada I got a ton of stuff. Recommendations for counselling, places of worship and words of healing. I had one lady come in and speak to me after and she said a prayer with me and held my hand as I cried. The hospital took care of all the memorial arrangements and cremation for me. This is a service they offer to all families who have lost a baby. At the service they provided us all with a booklet and in it was a poem I would love to share with you all. It is so touching and follows suit to this thread.....

It is titled:

An Angel Never Dies

Dont let them say I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start

Although my body you can't hold
It doesnt mean Im gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on

I know the pain that drowns your soul
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace

You'll hear that it was meant to be
God doesnt make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache

I'm watching over all you do
Another child you'll bear
Believe me when I say
That I am always there

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand
Stoke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand

Although Ive never breathed your air
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesnt mean I never was
An Angel Never Dies


They read this aloud at the service and I was a bloody mess. The hospital I was at offered tremendous support and for that I am so grateful I am so sorry to the ones who received so little support as that truely makes a world of difference in these situations

 

[kelzyboo]

Agree with all of these, thankyou, i'm passing it to my family so they're not do damn awkward xxx

 

[Tatertot]

Agree with all of these, thankyou, i'm passing it to my family so they're not do damn awkward xxx

Excellent!

Do you feel like its harder on them than us? The look of terror, at this point, as become somewhat funny. Watching them squirm is entertaining. If I'm having a good day that is. On a bad day, its heartbreaking.

 

[Hellylou]

Another one I have had said to me so far to add to this list...

"I know it's not the same as losing a child, but..."

 

[kelzyboo]

Yes i think its hard for them, we know how we feel iykwim, they have no idea and anything they can imagine isn't even close, i can't imagine having to try to support someone through this (obviously before i'd been here) especially my mum, having to watch her child go through this and not being able to do or say anything right?

I just avoid people now, sad but true. The awkwardness hurts, its like i'm not normal, not 'one of them' anymore and i am still a person. Its hurtful.

 

[kelzyboo]

Hellylou, i hate that one, i just shut off when i hear it now or i might punch someone! x

 

[Tatertot]

Yes i think its hard for them, we know how we feel iykwim, they have no idea and anything they can imagine isn't even close, i can't imagine having to try to support someone through this (obviously before i'd been here) especially my mum, having to watch her child go through this and not being able to do or say anything right?

I just avoid people now, sad but true. The awkwardness hurts, its like i'm not normal, not 'one of them' anymore and i am still a person. Its hurtful.

Yup. Me too.


My dad said the hardest thing was watching me suffer and not being able to do anything about it.

 

[kelzyboo]

My mum said the same thing.
She lost her Grandson and her daughter on the same day.

Must be so hard, if i wasn't so wrapped up in my own greif i might realise that before i snap at her because she doesn't understand.

x

 

[kayleigh89]

Love those sayings!! xx

 

[Vickieh1981]

It seems that things in the US are very different from the UK. Everyone I know who had a baby die in the states was given very little support. We were advised to seek counseling, but weren't given a referral. Told to call if we needed anything, but told who to call.

Some of the difference may be related to miscarriage vs. still birth vs. neonatal death.

Maybe so but you would think they would give you something wouldn't you?

Another one I have had said to me so far to add to this list...

"I know it's not the same as losing a child, but..."

Duh!! What do they think that you lost?

My mum said the same thing.
She lost her Grandson and her daughter on the same day.

Must be so hard, if i wasn't so wrapped up in my own greif i might realise that before i snap at her because she doesn't understand.

x

Funny how we get so wrapped up in our own grief we forget that. I remember snapping at my Mum a few times. I have a picture of her holding Missy and she looks devestated. It must be so hard to lose your Grandchild and see your own child in such total pain and not be able to help. I wonder if in some ways that is harder?

 

[Hellylou]

It's awful how a few thoughtless words can do such terrible harm to someone who has suffered a loss. I think the problem is people think they have to say something - they try to rationalise what happened or say what they think is a comfort when it isn't. They say things like 'it's nature's way' or 'it wasn't meant to be' thinking it helps, when it just doesn't.

A hug, a card, some simple flowers, they can all mean so much. There is no reason, or rationalisation to a loss like this, and no amount of reasoning takes away the pain.

In situations like these, all people ever need to say is "I'm so sorry".

 

[ms.hope]

It's awful how a few thoughtless words can do such terrible harm to someone who has suffered a loss. I think the problem is people think they have to say something - they try to rationalise what happened or say what they think is a comfort when it isn't. They say things like 'it's nature's way' or 'it wasn't meant to be' thinking it helps, when it just doesn't.

A hug, a card, some simple flowers, they can all mean so much. There is no reason, or rationalisation to a loss like this, and no amount of reasoning takes away the pain.

In situations like these, all people ever need to say is "I'm so sorry".

I agree with all that you said!

 

[Tatertot]

Yup. I agree too. People always say "I don't know what to say"...yeah, you do, "I'm sorry. That really sucks." All of those are acceptable. I think people try to find something deep and meaningful to say when in actuality just saying it sucks is enough.