2014 April Rainbows

[Lisa85]

Beautifully said Morgan. I can't even imagine the pain you went through. Your strength is an inspiration.

For me i am much past where i had a mmc and while i still think about it all the time i had to make a conscious decision to focus on this pregnancy and to not let the worry consume me. I decided that what will happen will happen no matter what i do. All i can do is make sure i eat right and take my vitamins but other than that its out of my control. I choose to think that everything will be ok until such a time that it is not ok and then i will deal with that. I know its not that simple to just think that way but it is possible. Also try to stay strong for my OH... he worrys much more than i do so i put on a strong face for him and and little niggles or pain i try not to make a big deal out of it coz he think i should rush to hospital if i have a head ache.
Our angels will always be us but your growing LO needs you and your love and he or she will make you feel better if you let them.

The time i feel most upset about my mmc is when people ask me... is this your first??!! Of course i have to say yes but it upsets me that our angels are forgotten and just make other people uncomfortable to talk about. I tend to try and talk about my angel as much as i can as i hate the way everyone is so secretive about mc. I didn't even know what a mmc was until i had one. Thats not right... women need to know that it is very common and that its not just mc, theres also mmc and other issues that all happen very early on. I wish i knew before!

Sorry if that comes across i little tough but that is how i deal with it and I'm sure its not for everyone but it works for me.

 

[Kasey84]

Karina your post brought tears to my eyes because I can totally relate. Please know that your not alone in how your feeling and never hesitate to express your thoughts and feelings here. That's what this group is for

This pregnancy had been so different for me. The excitement, joy and attachment I felt with my last pregnancy has been replaced by worry, fear, anxiety, guilt and a ton of other emotions that seem to be pulling me in a million different directions. It can be very overwhelming.

I also feel uneasy talking about this pregnancy (except within this group), though I can't really explain why. I agree with Lisa too, it's so hard when asked if this is my first baby. I always say yes, though I'm thinking no and then I feel guilty for not acknowledging my angel outloud.

Just about a week ago I was crying to my oh that I must be a terrible mother for not feeling the excitement and attachment with this baby that I felt with my last. I feel guilty about this, but the reality is I felt that love and attachment before and then my world came crashing down when I lost the baby. I think it's fear and self-preservation that keeps me from feeling excited and attached like I wish I could. I've come to accept that that this is life with PAL. I don't think there's any way to experience mc/loss and not be impacted in subsequent pregnancies.

As Morgan said, I do think my anatomy scan helped. Seeing my baby in beautiful detail, healthy and growing did change things for me just a little. It made the baby more real and the possibility of holding him/her in my arms seem within reach for the first time!

That's not to say I won't still struggle with my emotions. For everytime I think of this baby I'm carrying, I think of the one I lost. How can I not? That's what us mommas do...think of our children no matter where they are.

I'm hoping the excitement and attachment I desperately want will come when I have my baby in my arms, but for now I'm trying to to be too hard on myself.

I can also understand your concern about post partum depression. It's crossed my mind as well given the complex feelings I've had. I just know I have to be very aware of my feelings after birth and be honest if I'm depressed so that I can seek the help I need.

Sending big hugs and hoping your next scan brings some relief and reassurance

 

[Karinama98]

You guys are awesome. Thank you for your open, honest thoughts. We all are dealing with our losses the best way we can in our own ways. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I also agree I hate when people ask if this is my first since literally my MC happened a day before I was going to announce it at work, and was 5 days after we announced it on Facebook. With those at work this time around, I have explained to them we did have a loss (to bring attention that MCs do happen). At that point they then can understand why I don't have the excitement in my eyes that they're expecting.

Morgan, everytime I think of what you've been through, I tear up. I could only imagine what it would have been like, but I am also grateful to know that you are doing so well and are excited about your LO.

Kasey, I cried on my DH's shoulder about a week ago about things as well. His mother has been texting me weekly asking questions, and I asked him if he could tell her to stop because I just don't want to talk about things.

Lisa, I give you props for how you're handling it. I wish I could feel that way at times. Hopefully one day in the future I can.

 

[Lisa85]

Kasey and Karina i hope the excitement will come for you soon. Its such a shame that the excitement is taken away because of what we have been through.
I definitely agree though the i feel much much better after my anatomy scan. Knowing that its a girl and that she is healthy has made me relax all the more and i am definitely more excited that i was before. Feels more real now i know its a girl.
I still worry of course and this low lying placenta does concern me. Im going away this weekend to a small town so I'm concerned about something going wrong while I'm there and i can't get to a hospital as quick as i would like.

to you ladies! we will have our rainbows in our arms soon enough!

 

[Lisa85]

Vietmamsie, you should leave work early if you are able to. Im not working and i love it. Honestly i don't know how i could work during this pregnancy. Between the tiredness and back and round ligament pain i think it would be near impossible.
I love your bump! You look absolutely beautiful!!

 

[Brieanna]

Karina- I think the scan will help, but so will feeling the baby everyday. It makes you realize there really is a little person in there.
Morgan-I agree with Karina. You are truly an inspiration!
I agree mc's shouldn't be kept secret. When I had my first and started googling I was surprised how common they are. I assumed that people saw the two lines and 9-10 months later there was a healthy little baby!

It is sad that we are jaded and can't be as obliviously happy about our pregnancies as many of our friends. I had a mc then dd then another mc before this pregnancy but this one is so different than when I was pregnant with dd. after the first mc and then getting pregnant again, the doctor made me feel like it was a fluke (the mc) and that that chances were I would never have another mc. So when I had another mc after dd I was like "what???" because of what the doctor said. Of course I have since learned that having 2+ mcs is not unusual but I was just going by what the doctor said (I'm sure he said it to make me feel better and not stress)

I have had to almost make myself happy. I write in my journal and take bump pictures but even though after the first scan for a few days I was optimistic and even bought a few things I haven't since and it still doesn't really feel real and that in a few months I could be holding a baby.

 

[Brieanna]

Is anyone else still exhausted? I never really had any other symptoms with dd except being tired but i thought that went away by now. I don't really know though because when I was pregnant with dd I could take a nap a lot easier!

I could sleep for 20 hours (no exaggeration!). I wake up with dd and then i am already ready for a nap. I guess I am glad that I missed all the horrible symptoms but I am pretty sure OH is tired of scrambled eggs or grilled cheese for dinner, lol.

But, seriously I do feel guilty for not playing enough with dd or keeping the house clean because I am just soooooo exhausted. I also put myself on bedrest anytime I feel a big cramp or something (or even when I have a bad dream). OH has been very sweet and lets me take naps and he takes dd to the store to get groceries!

 

[Kasey84]

Vietmamsie- if you can take a step back from some of your duties or leave work early, I say go for it! You have to do what's best for you and baby

Morgan- I agree with the others, your strength is amazing!

Brieanna- I've been waiting for my energy to return but it just hasn't happened yet! I'm still sooo tired. I feel like I'm totally neglecting housework too. Fortunately oh is great

 

[morganwhite7]

Thank you girls.. but in my opinion, I'm no stronger than any of you. When a mama is faced with having to let an angel go- we are forced to move on with life! Not that we forget or don't think about that child every day of the rest of our lives, but we are faced with either never getting out of bed again or living life to the fullest, making that angel proud! It also takes a lot of strength to have a rainbow and come to terms with the fact that it is ANOTHER child.. not one to "replace" the other.. I hate having to explain to people that this baby will help to mend my heart where it was torn.. it won't fix it forever but a mother just wants a child to take care of, and that means being strong and having faith that things will be okay next time. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to try again and not give up and be mad at the world.. but what good would that do for our lives? We'll see those angels one day.. just have to keep that in mind and keep trudging along

As for pregnancy pains/fatigue.. I feel much better than in 1st tri.. I'm sure once I get a huge belly that all will change but I have OK energy these days. On the weekends I get nesting urges and clean the house top to bottom (have to force myself to keep going) and then crash all afternoon haha! I also enjoy going to bed early after work.. And like one of you said we've been doing lots of grilled cheese and soup or crock-pot dinners so that we can quick get to snoozing after. I am enjoying my lazy time.. last few months of getting to mozy around before I have a little squirt to chase around!

I do have sciatic nerve pain starting up again (had it last pregnancy) and my lower back/hips are very sore from the hormone "Relaxin". I read it loosens all your joints and whatnot, but I already feel like I'm waddling.. actually who am I kidding- I am! Sometimes I can feel grinding in my lower back, so going to talk to doc about that but I'm sure there's not much they can do for it. Also having another US to monitor my placenta and the Quad-screen BW for abnormalities this Thursday! Hoping all goes well and just really enjoying things as of now. Like I said, it's so nice knowing "it's" a SHE and being able to bond with her. Makes it all the more real.. even Daddy is over the moon to have a little girl to swoon over. I'm very content and happy

Hoping you ladies are too! Enjoy it while it lasts, teheehe

 

[Karinama98]

Really tired of the ligament pains already. I notice they hit me usually in the earlier part of the week - almost like it's on a schedule. While doing some of my pregnancy pilates yesterday I realized one of the exercises I use to do with no problems started hurting because of the muscles stretching in my lower abdomine. Had to stop and modify it.

As for being tired, I go in spurts of being full of energy (usually in the morning on weekends) and then all of a sudden have no ambition to do anything (early afternoons). Luckily for me, I have a desk job, so sitting here isn't too exhausting at this point. I do take about 15-20 minute walks during my lunch hour and then do the 5 floors of stairs back up to my work space. We'll see how much longer that continues.

I do find it funny that today a coworker from an area I use to work with approached me this morning and told me she had a dream about me out of no where last night. Said that she predicts we'll be having a girl, and that she was beautiful in the dream - full brown hair and eyes.

6 days and counting...Just afraid I'll be crying my eyes out during that Ultrasound. LOL I'm definitely going to warn the ultrasound tech ahead of time. I'm sure DH will be tearing up too. He said he started tearing up during our last OB appointment where he heard the heartbeat.

 

[Lindsay109]

Morning ladies. I will update properly later, but just wanted to let you know that we are officially team !!! Hubby and I are soooo excited. He looks healthy and is growing as he should be

 

[Karinama98]

Wahoo Lindsay.

 

[Lisa85]

Yay! Lindsay!! Congratulations on your little boy! so exciting!

Brieanna, i got my energy back for like 2 weeks but its gone again now. Im back to having a nap most days and i get a solid 9 hours at least every night.
You can only do as much as you can do!! I'm so lucky I'm not working and i couldn't imagine having to chase after another LO during this time.

Morgan, I'm quite uncomfortable with the the pains as well. My back pain is really bad so i do prenatal yoga which helps a lot. Also the round ligament pain is pretty bad as well. Some days i can't walk for longer than 10min without needing to stop and rest coz the pain is so bad.
My OH doesn't seem to understand and i feel like he just thinks I'm being lazy.

Karina, your appointment will be great. Im sure you will start to feel more excited afterwards. I love it when men get teary... so cute! My OH never cries.

 

[Lindsay109]

Lisa, I love the clothes you picked out for your little girl! Of course she needs dresses and hair clips I can't wait to go baby shopping. DH is much more practical and says we should wait a little longer, so I'm planning to take someone else shopping with me until he's ready, lol.

Vietmamsie, beautiful bump pic!! I shall have to post a bump photo now that I actually have a little bit of something to post, lol. Still tiny compared to everyone else's though - can't wait for it to grow!

Karinama, I understand exactly where you are coming from as well and the other ladies have put it beautifully. I too, am not feeling as excited and attached this time around as I was last time... I think subconsciously to protect myself in case things don't work out. I'm trying to just enjoy the moment/hour/day being pregnant, and not focusing too much on the future just yet... I'll probably be completely shocked when someone puts a baby in my arms! To be honest, the scan on monday has definitely settled my nerves a little bit and I hope that your 20 week scan will do the same. Seeing a healthy, wiggly, growing baby in there has made it seem all the more real. Don't be too hard on yourself, there is no right or wrong way to feel and you are doing the best you can . I think all the emotions you are going through are normal based on your past experiences, and I am sure that you will bond with baby when he or she makes their arrival. I'm really looking forward to hearing about your scan next week!

Morgan, I love that quote! This thread is making me all teary today!

Brieanna, I'm still feeling tired too, my energy comes and goes. DH has been doing most of the cooking and cleaning as after the day at work, I'm usually too tired.

As for me, the scan was wonderful. It turned out being the mother of a girl who I went to elementary and high school with who did the scan and she gave us the full guided tour! She also printed out about 15 photos for us and we didn't get charged (usually they give 3 for $12). They are sending me for growth scans every 4 weeks and the next one will be on December 11 (one day after the due date of our ). Anyway, here are a couple pictures of our little guy (kinda blurry as he was wiggling around a lot!), and my first bump photo (taken at 20 weeks).

 

[morganwhite7]

Lindsay- Love the belly and pics of little guy.. I love that we can have a peek on them in our bellies, really so amazing if you think about it.

Lisa- Urghhh tellllll me about OH not understanding haha. I WISHHHH he would vomit every morning for 16 weeks and then have terrible pains so that he couldn't walk.. haha mine thinks I'm a big fat hypochondriac too Lol just looking forward to finishing my job and being a SAHM and then laughing at his pains of waking up early to be miserable! Lol ttly joking but really.. they act like GROWING A HUMAN is not that hard haha I'd like to see them try!

 

[Lisa85]

Lindsay, i went shopping with a gf also. She was far more excited to me looking at clothes than my OH would have been and i probably would have got in trouble for buying expensive hair clips! haha (i took the tags off them before i got home! )
Thats great the scan tech was someone you knew. I bet you got a wonderful scan. Is that last pic his little willy?!? so cute!!
You have got a bump happening! Its strange how different all our bump sizes are even though a lot of us look quite small.

Morgan, I would LOVE to see my OH pregnant for a day! haha He acts like the world is ending when he has a sore throat... lets see him feel sick and uncomfortable for 21 weeks and counting!! He really is good most of the time but then sometimes he says you should be out exercising more or cleaning more!! grrrr makes me mad!

Bump update!

 

[Kasey84]

Lindsay- Awesome pics!! Glad to hear all went well at your scan

Lisa- Your bump sure is growing

Wouldn't it be great if our oh's could REALLY know how we feel. My oh really is good, but sometimes I have to "gently" remind him that it's hard work to grow a baby

Oh finally felt the baby move today! He was so excited

 

[vietmamsie]

Another Boy! Sooo exciting! I am so happy for everyone!

About not being excited: PAL is tough. I can't imagine recovering after having a loss later than I did (my longest was only 9 weeks). Every loss I have had replays in my head from time to time. However, I have really worked to just block out all the negative thoughts and just go with it. As I have with all my pregnancies, I let myself get excited (cautious, but still excited) and just tried to stay positive. I am finally at that sweet spot that I feel like this is really it. With movement comes a lot of relief. My little bean lets me know all is well several times a day. I actually have my 4D scan next week and for the first time I'm not even nervous, in fact I haven't really even thought about the time between appointments since I started feeling movement. I hope you start to feel more soon, I know that will help you get excited.

Backache, super tired all the time, in need of at least 10 hours a night, but only getting about 8... oh the woahs of a pregnant lady! Hope everyone is doing well!

 

[Karinama98]

My problem is that with the baby's room, all of my stuff when we moved is in there, and OH is wanting me to go through everything and toss as much out as possible. Until I go through all of that stuff...the baby's room is kind of at a stand still. Guess I need to get myself going.

OH also had a bad dream last night about the pregnancy, which kept him up for a while this morning. I was wondering why he was holding me more than usual this morning. As soon as I woke up he had to ask to make sure everything was okay. Told him we're good so far. No issues.

He gets so excited every time I tell him I "think" I felt the baby move. I'm trying to figure out when baby is more active than not. I just hope they're like me after they're born....I slept all night for my parents after a month. My husband I guess was a colicky baby for a while. I pray that doesn't happen to us. lol

 

[Lisa85]

Karina, my bub seems to wake up as soon as my OHs morning alarm goes off! She starts wriggling around. I love it.