22, single and pregnant

[Sophie123]

Hello,

Im new to this forum and really needed some advise. I know that no one can make the decision for me, but there's no one else for me to really talk it through with.

Me and my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago but never stopped seeing eachother. We do love eachother, but are just not very compatible. The only birth control i was using was the rhythm method, and it had worked for the whole year and a bit we were together. However, a few weeks ago i got it wrong (i really honestly thought it was safe) and i have fallen pregnant. I am now 5 weeks, and found out on xmas eve. The second i found out i was pregnant my immediate reaction was 'i need to have a termination' - there was no doubt. But then slowly the thought of having the baby started to come into mind and the news sunk in. I told the father - he desperately wants me to have a termination, as i know my family will. Also, it doesnt seem to make sense for me to keep a baby when im not with the father, would be a young single parent who would rely on the government and our family for help, i live with 2 flat mates who definitely dont want a baby around and theres no way i could move back in with my parents as they have no room and my mum would be totally against it. I have dreams to go to Uni and be a midwife, and am not sure how possible this would be with a young child.

But despite all of this, i have always wanted a baby (obviously in differen t circumstances). I think its a beautiful and very special thing. I had a termination when i was 18 and it killed me,. The circumstances were different (the father left me and said he wouldnt love it at all), and i felt pushed into it by my family. I know they'll push me to do that again and without my family i am nothing, i wouldnt be able to do it. But there is still a apret of me that wants this baby, its like ive been given an opportunity to change my life and make something with it. I am an administrator for a lettings company and its a dead end job, my life is not what i want it to be, and i feel like someones given me a reason to make it work and a reason to grow up and sort my life out. But i cant help but feel like that would be an extremely selfish reason to keep it, i would be 'ruining' my ex's life, he's a year younger than me and trusted me when i said it was ok, this was my mistake and i feel like because of that i should have the termination so he doesnt have to go through not getting to live his life how he wants to. He wants to go travelling and get a better job, he wants to have a baby when we've either sorted out our relationship and its been another few years or he's settled down with someone else. He doesnt want this and its my fault. He said he will stick by me whatever.

I hope i've made sense. I would be 23 when i have the baby, i dont feel this is too young, its more the fact i would be destroying everyones life by having the baby. And what if it destroys mine.

IM so confused and could really do with some advise or just someone who has had a baby on their own.



Thank you so much

Sophie

 

[firstprincess]

Oh hun. I was in a very similar situation, but me and my partner planned to have a baby then seperated when I was 3 months pregnant because I fond some stuff out about him that wasnt right. I was 22 too, 23 when I had my little girl... I coped really well, had a lovely pregnancy with lots of support and I cope better now than lots of older mums I know because I have the energy to keep up with her. Its a hard decision to make, try and talk to someone close to you.

You can return to uni after having a baby, you can apply for funding for childcare and many unis have nurseries. And a career as a midwife.... at least u will have experience!

hugs xxxx

 

[gemabee]

hey hun my situation was pretty similar to urs... i was 23 when i found out i was pregnant nd the fob left me when i was 3 months because i refused to have a termination.
my son was born 6 weeks ago... i've done it all myself nd it was hard... but soooo worth it!
i'm so happy... my life has completely nd utterly changed... i've never felt love like this nd i'm 100% happy with the decision i made.
i know no-one can make the decision for u... but havin a child can be such a positive thing nd give life a sense of meanin.
u can do it by urself... all a baby needs is its mum.
hope u sort things out
xxxx
(ps. u can't discuss terminations on this website so no-one will be able to offer an opinion regardin it).

 

[whoops]

Only you can make this decision, hun.

I wasn't with FOB either and when we found out, he asked me to consider having a termination. I thought about it but knew that I'd never be able to live with myself if I did so chose to keep the baby. It means that I've been without the support of FOB all along, for various reasons, but while it's been tough, I'm glad I made the decision I did.

I'll be honest - I'm terrified about what the next few years will bring. I worry that having a child will restrict my career and even though my family are wonderfully supportive and I've moved back home, I miss my independence. I worry about the future and I'm scared that my child will suffer because her father is not around, but having said that, I'd make the same decision again in a heartbeat. I haven't even met my daughter yet but she's the most important thing in the world to me - my whole life is already revolving around her.

A lot of unis provide childcare so it's not impossible for you to continue studying and even though you might have to put some dreams on hold for a couple of years, you can still fulfil them.

Send me a PM if you want to talk more or have any other questions. And best of luck with what you decide to do.

xx

 

[18singlemom2b]

i say all these things with the best intentions of helping you, but i won't try and put things nicely, since i value honesty.

how is this your mistake? sorry but you guys choosing to use the rhythm method as your type of birth control was a bit foolish on both of your parts. i mean, i clearly knew when i was having unprotected sex that i could get pregnant and that it was always a possibility. i know even with birth control it's a possibility but the rhythm method is definetly a possibility. you need to stop looking at this situation as your problem, your mistake, your choice and more like something that happened with the help of both of you.

you mentioned having a termination before, i'm very much against abortion myself and can only imagine the pain associated with having gone through that once, do you really want to go through that again? i advise you not to. once, that can be looked at as being young, being pressured but if you do it again, there isn't an excuse for that in my opinion. what happens if you terminate this second child and turn out to be infertile or unable to carry a pregnancy by the time you meet the right person? this is your child. a calling to straighten out your life, to start a new chapter. it isn't a matter of choosing.

yes, it can be hard being a single young adult with a child but many have done it before and are choosing to do it now. i'm younger than you, my ex left me after we planned our child, and i'm taking responsibility for my decisions. you aren't that young, lots of time in life to better your career or education. do what's best for your daughter, and that's life.

 

[Sophie123]

Thank you for your replies, i think i needed someone to tell me i can do it because all i seem to hear from other people is that i cant. I also want to say you're all an absolute inspiration to me. Also, 'im sorry for bringing up termination, i didn't realise i wasn't allowed to talk about it on here!! I guess i feel like i have to do it because i feel so guilty about getting in this situation in the first place for the father and his and my family. but this is my life and my chance to make something good with it. It sounds silly, but i need someone to tell me im not a stupid or bad person for wanting to keep it.

Thank you all again : )

P.s im also sorry i put this in parenting! i dont know if thats the right section!

xx

 

[gemabee]

ur not stupid or bad for wantin to keep ur child.
u are actually very strong nd pretty awesome.
u will be a good mum with a happy child
all the best.
xx

 

[Anababe]

Im 25 and this pregnancy was unplanned, FOB isnt interested and is now with someone new. He told me if i didnt have a termination id be ruining his life.. hes 2 yrs younger than me.. and quite frankly i couldnt care less if im ruining his life, his new relationship or whatever. I was irresponsible enough to allow myself to get pregnant and know i could never live with the decision to end the pregnancy so i decided to go for it. Ive brought my other two up alone (By choice - both planned through donor) and not done too bad of a job so this baby deserves a chance too.

Personally i dont think 23 is young at all, i was 21 when i had my first and i coped just fine.

I hope you make the right decision for YOU and your child, not what you think your family/friends/FOB want you to do. Your the one carrying the child not them.

 

[angelpkj]

im 22 and 25 weeks pregnant and single
the FOB finished me 2 weeks before xmas

its hard but it gets easier
i can deal with me and him splittin up but i dont think i could of dealt with the regret of not keeping baby

FOB tried makin me feel it was my fault we split
and i should of got rid of baby
it was only once we split i finally learned to accept and bond and love my baby and realise none of it is babys fault but its the dad