3.5 year old daughter claims she sleeps in bed with my ex MIL

[tripleccc]

* I’m sorry if this is the wrong thread to post to! Wasn’t sure where to post!*

Long story short, I have full custody and dad is no longer in the picture. I allow one overnight a week with her dad’s mother (not court ordered, just a personal thing). My daughter told me that my ex MIL moved her bed into the room they have for my daughter over there so that she can cuddle and hold her whenever she wants. I didn’t think anything of it until my sister starting telling me how she would feel if that was her child.

Now I’m questioning, should I say something? Should I pause overnights for a little bit? It is kind of weird that she MOVED her bed into the room. It wouldn’t bother me so much if she respected me as a mother and didn’t try to take on the mother role when the ex and I were together and my daughter was a baby. But now I feel like it’s odd. It also bothers me because when she comes back from being there one night, she wants to sleep in my bed with me. I’m trying to teach her to be a big girl and sleep in her big girl bed. I feel like ex MIL is throwing that all away in that ONE night. Should I say something?

 

[Kiwiberry]

If it bothers you a lot then maybe have a talk with her before canceling the weekly visit, it probably means a lot to her & your daughter.

For me personally, I don't find it weird or odd but everyone feels differently. My kids sleep in my bed with me quite often & my oldest is 6. I would let them sleep with me every night if my bed had enough room lol. My oldest also sleeps in bed sometimes with my ex MIL when she's staying at her dads. The only time I suggested for her not to is when her little sister is there so she doesn't get scared sleeping alone (my girls share a nice big bed at my house & their dads in their own rooms).

 

[DobbyForever]

This is tricky, but I agree that if you are uncomfortable then have a conversation first. You might not need to hear this, but just in case be sure to keep the conversation about how it makes you feel versus what she is doing. If that makes sense. Know your boundaries. Do you want the bed out of her room but DD can still go into her room? Do you want the bed out AND no sleeping in her room/bed? I’d also ask is it just because it’s frustrating when DD comes home and has trouble falling asleep in her bed or is it something else? Because honestly kids and people associate rules with locations. She just has to be taught what they are so that teaching period might be short or long, smooth or bumpy. Take school. They know there are classroom rules, playground rules, home rules... so on.

As for cosleeping. I cosleep. My son is 3.5, we’ve been cosleeping for two years. My mom has napped in bed with him when she’s fallen asleep putting him to sleep or I’ve come home and she’s in bed with him because he used to wake up every night in a panic. But my mom is one of two people I completely trust and we have a good (albeit dysfunctional) relationship. If I walked in and found my stepdad in bed with him, heads would roll.

But ultimately, you are her mother and she should respect your rules. You have full custody and you allow her visitation. Depending on the state there are grandparents rights, but it’s not like you two are fighting in court. It’s very gracious of you to have them bond and get time.

Maybe suggest that they have special daytime cuddles or maybe your daughter doesn’t feel safe alone in the room at MILs because it’s not home. Maybe she can have a special stuffie or night light or help decorate the bed. Idk. Or even they can cuddle until she falls asleep then grandma goes her own way. Lots of ways for her to compromise.

ETA you need to trust your mother’s intuition. Never ignore your gut for fear of being rude. Our instincts evolved for a reason. If you feel it in your stomach that you want it to stop, it should stop. You don’t owe her an explanation, but one would be nice lol. End of day, DD is your child.

 

[Bevziibubble]

It depends how you feel about it. My kids Co sleep with us and when they have sleepovers with my MIL from time to time they sleep in her bed, no one would get any sleep otherwise! They only have sleepovers with my MIL though who I trust 100%.

As Dobby said though, follow your intuition and don't be afraid of offending or being impolite if you feel something is off in some way.

 

[autumnal]

I would ask her to stop, because it's interfering with her sleeping in her bed at home but more importantly she didn't ask you if it is okay first. To me that feels like she is trying to hide it from you which kind of creeps me out

 

[storm4mozza]

First off I would say that your sister is not you, take her opinion on board of course if you wish, but don't allow it to force you to jump into a decision or a mindset. My sister always advises things and I know it's easy (especially as a younger sibling) to take it all on board and allow it to sway a decision but you're her mother, not your sister it is your child, not hers =)

If it bothers you then by all means say something, maybe you could go along the route of telling her that you are trying to teach her to sleep in her own bed and that sleeping in bed with your ex MIL isn't helping, explain that your daughter has begun wanting to sleep with you and you need to show a united front as not to confuse her and to encourage her to sleep alone.

It sounds as though (and I could be wrong so am not assuming) that you have some underlying resentment towards your ex MIL due to her trying to take over when your Daughter was younger, your not that person anymore and are independent now, try not to dwell on the past, I know it can be hard but she will not take over this time because you will not allow it.

Talk to your ex MIL and come up with an agreement so you can both work together to ensure that your Daughter sleeps in her own bed =)
Good luck x