3 days until due date and still unsure..

[kbwebb]

I still aren't sure about feeding my baby. I'll try to explain as best as I can without it getting too confusing.


I wanted to breastfeed because I know its better for baby, It doesnt cost anything and If i'm honest if i didnt atleast try i'd feel kinda bad. When the subject was first approached, OH said he didn't mind but he would prefer me to bottle feed because then he gets to help out, and MIL is very adamant that shes going to be helping us with baby, and wants her to stay over at their house sometimes, so she would need milk to give her.
He has gone ahead and stocked up on formula using the sure start vouchers i get, given his mum a few tubs and even packed some milk in our hospital bags. I said to him 'so i cant even feed her in the hospital/first few days? thats the most important milk she can get'. and he was like well we dont want to confuse her do we, or change her milk all the time she will get a bad stomach' as time has gone on, he has said its up to me how we feed her because I would be the one feeding her, but I can still tell he is heisitant and doesnt really want me to.

some other problems are:

• the fact that I have exams every week from when she is a few weeks old. - one exam might even be 3 days after she is born if i go two weeks overdue. these exams cant be done at another time. OH has said he doesnt want to be left with a fussy baby who wont take a bottle because ive breastfed her, and also i cant pump because my milk probs wont have come in for the exam anyway..
• I have a hairdressers appointment for next month, so how would i feed her there? the shop is far too cramped for me to bring her along. so she would have to be left with FIL.
• I would have to go in another room to feed her. i know many people will go mad about this and say i shouldnt have to, and yeah i know i shouldnt, BUT i spend most of my time at MIL's. FIL BIL and my SIL'S OH are the type of people who would sit there making comments or feeling uncomfortable. FIL saw i brought a breastpump and was like 'well what does she need one of those for?!'. BIL is 14, and still hides if people kiss on the tv.. and SIL's OH has seen a woman breastfeeding before and refered to it as 'flopping her tit out'. I mentioned this to OH and he was like 'yeah but she kind of is getting her tit out infront of everyone, she could atleast go in another room'. I've explained to BIL that sometimes babies dont take bottles, so bf in public is the only option. Ive also said to OH that babies feed every hour for say half a hour if theyre cluster feeding, and said if i went in another room that would mean me spending the whole day away from everyone.. but he still says 'well its up to you how you feed her, but i dont want you sitting there with your boob out'.

so I'm really stuck as what to do

 

[disneydarling]

Oh wow, they are being really unsupportive of you, that really doesn't seem very nice.

If YOU want to breast feed then you should, I don't think you should do something that you don't want to because of pressure from other people.

I have no advice really, I'm in the opposite situation, I am not planning on breast feeding but feeling pressure from midwives that I should, so I know how hard it is to stick to a decision that you know is right for you when others are trying to persuade you otherwise. In terms of the situations where it may be tough to breast feed, I am sure there will be some way or another you will be able to work it out.

Good luck, and just remember what ever you decide is best for you and your baby is what you should do.

 

[MumToEva]

It's a pity your family are being so unsupportive! I'd say give it a go and see how it goes - you could buy one of the breastfeeding covers (or improvise one rather than buying) which you wear around your neck to make breastfeeding more discreet maybe, as if you go to another room to feed baby at the start then you will probably be expected to do it every time. Combi feeding isn't recommended for the first while (6 weeks I think) as it takes a while or your supply to build up and avoids baby getting confused between breast and bottle, but i have seen friends do it without problems. Another option might be to express with a pump so others can feed LO.

I personally found breast feeding very difficult (had to give up because my LO was tiny and couldn't get the way of it) - if my OH hadn't been supportive I wouldn't have kept trying as long as I did. I don't know how you are going to get on with so little support really - al you can do is try and see how it goes?

 

[yoshy]

I agree with what the others have said.
Definitely try and get or improvise a cover (that's what everyone does over here as it's not the done thing to BF in public with your breast exposed), as it'll make you and everyone else feel more comfortable.

At the very least, if it's important to you (which it sounds like it is), try pumping and giving your baby bottled breast milk. If it absolutely has to be supplemented with formula as well, that's one thing, but if you have enough milk, there's no reason for her to be formula fed just because someone else feels like it's more convenient.

My understanding is that in the first few days you'll generally be producing colostrum rather than milk, and that's what the baby needs for those first few days. It's nonsense that you can't pump in the first few days. On the contrary, the third day is (from what I'm told) the day when your milk is the most likely to come in, and you'll be very uncomfortable if you're unable to feed her or express milk using the pump that day.

Regardless, I'd recommend talking to whoever's in charge of the exams you have, and explaining the situation, so that you can arrange to be able to have your OH there with the baby and arrange to be allowed to go out to breastfeed during the exam if necessary.
I know the laws in the UK are unfortunately nothing like as supportive of new mothers, but over here you're actually entitled to a month off university courses etc if you give birth, and if you have exams scheduled in that time, they are required by law to allow you to take them at a later time, even if that means them writing a new exam for you. I imagine England isn't as accommodating as that, but you should still find out if there's at least SOMETHING that can be done to accommodate you.

Good luck, and I hope you end up happy and at peace with whatever decision you make.
Remember, breast may be best, but not if it's going to cost you your sanity!

 

[CatherineK]

The lack of support from your family is horrible. Makes me sick. If it was me, id breastfeed and shove it in their face. My husband is my biggest advocate. I've Breastfed during tests at school even! No matter what you decide, your baby will be fine, but if you want to nurse your baby, nurse. Especially the first few days in the hospital. There are so many other ways for others to bond. God, just reading what you say about your family pisses me off to no end!

 

[OmiOmen]

That is very unsupportive and between making the decision about how you will feed your baby and saying she will be staying with his mum regardless of your feelings he sounds worryingly controlling! It sounds like you have very disrespectful in-laws too. I personally would not be happy about being treated like that at all. The very reason that my in-laws are about the only people I let look after my toddler for a few hours is because they respect my wishes! You should not have your partner and in-laws demanding who you can and can not look after your baby like that.

Firstly I would tell him that formula feeding is more likely to give her an upset stomach, I'm not saying this to upset those who have/are/will formula feed it is just a fact that babies stomachs are mode for breast-milk and react better to it. Have you tried talking to him about the benefits of breastfeeding? Bonds are not just formed by feeding a baby and if he wants to be close to her there are other ways to do that.

As far as exams go you could try expressed milk and although it is not recommended to give breast-milk from a bottle until a few weeks old you can cup feed a newborn breast-milk. The cup is like a little plastic thing you get at hospital which medication is given in. My son had crystals in his urine for the first day or two and thanks to very supportive midwives and lactation consultants they told me that when there are feeding issues like I had to start with that this can be a way to make sure they get some breast-milk in them without causing nipple confusion. This said your partner is clearly not supportive so I would imagine he would just disregard your wishes and use formula instead. I started a degree when my son was 4 months old and my husband used expressed milk while I was out of course it may be a little harder to express much in the first few days. By 3 days old you might be surprised at how much you can get out because at that age their stomachs are so tiny they don't need a lot of it anyway.

If you don't feel comfortable feeding in public that is okay. I agree with the right for women to do it but I didn't feel comfortable doing it either so I would either go somewhere privet to do it or take a bottle of expressed milk out with me. So please don't let that be the reason you get put off the idea.

 

[CupcakeBaby]

How awful for your family to be like that.

I just wouldn't go round there. If they're going to be idiots about it then they don't get to see the baby.

As for the hairdressers, just reschedule - it's only hair, your baby is way more important.

 

[Tami]

We plan on formula feeding and are happy with our decision because it's the best for us for various reasons.
But I have to say, and I don't mean this rudely, while you should never have to justify your decision no matter how you decide to feed I'm not sure a hairdresser appointment should push you into formula feeding, appointments can be moved or cancelled.
You seem to want to breast feed, and I think if you feel strongly about it then you should just do it.
Exams - does the establishment have a creche? You could put baby in the creche and try to arrange breaks to feed baby, usually places are a lot more accomodating than you think they'll be, it's worth asking at least. Or would your OH be willing to wait for you with her so you can feed her before and straight after?
Spending time at your MIL - To me this one is simple, if they have a problem with breast feeding then just don't spend as much time there, I'm not saying freeze them out but realistically you probably wont want that many people around with a new baby anyway. As for going out the room, well isn't feeding baby more important than seeing these people all day?
I'm sorry they're not being very supportive, but it sounds like you need to put your foot down, and as people have said you can get covers to use for breast feeding so no one can see anything. It sounds like they're deliberately trying to make you uncomfortable to get their own way.

I am fully supportive of anyone's decision to formula feed or breast feed but that's just it...it should be your decision! Put your foot down! If you decide to breast feed then let it be for your reasons, and the same for formula feeding.

 

[Eurydice]

Last night an international lactation consultant came to our birth class, and her expert ideas and advice were super helpful. She had all kinds of tips for breastfeeding in the early days, for working moms and pumping, for dealing with the social pressures, for navigating the laws. Everything you mentioned in your post was covered in some way. I know that in the US, there are many resources for mothers who wish to breastfeed: La Leche League, hospital-run "baby cafes," and private lactation consultants. See if you can find out about the resources near you -they will often work with expecting mothers BEFORE the baby is born to help you figure the solution that is best for you and your baby. If you want to try breastfeeding, then you should set yourself up for success rather than failure. I would start by asking your midwife or OB about resources.

 

[qpaulina42]

Obviously I'm a huge fan of breastfeeding so I would like to encourage you to give it a go. To address specific points:
a) feeding in the hospital - I would try to restrict it to breast only so that you can encourage the milk to come in. And the bonus would be that there is no confusion as your husband fears since it will be breast only.
b) if you have an exam a few days after delivery and you just don't have any milk pumped and stored yet, I see no harm in using formula that one time since at least it's something to put in the belly. Many people supplement with formula and though it may lead to some short term digestive distress it is probably going to be short lived
c) once milk is in you can start pumping a bit here and there to store up some milk for when your husband or MIL need to feed the baby, and they can offer that to her first and formula if there is no milk stock available. Again, some people supplement breastmilk and formula and your baby is still getting a lot of benefit from the breastfeeding that you do. You will need to think about needing to pump while away from the baby though. My sister had a baby 2.5 weeks ago and she has already pumped enough milk that her MIL was able to look after the baby one whole night so that my sis could get a full night's sleep. So it's totally doable to pump and store!
d) Going in another room or covering up is something you'll need to decide how to best approach, perhaps with time your family will get more comfortable with the idea of breastfeeding.

I just want to add that I think it's such a shame your family is being so unsupportive. Breastfeeding, especially at the start, is not the easiest thing in the world, and you will need to look inside yourself and determine if this is something you feel strongly about, because it sounds like you may need to go through that initial rough time on your own (though we'll be here for you at BnB!!!)

Also, if at all possible, I would try to avoid introducing a bottle of any kind in the first two weeks, 4 if you can make it, to avoid nipple confusion. Not a problem for everyone but it does happen.

Best of luck!!

 

[USAF_WIFE]

Wow, just wow! I would at least give BF'ing a go I seriously can't believe your husband! In laws I can because lets be honest they give and push a lot of the time on several things. I would do what feels right to you. I BF in public with a cover I BF with my brother in the room covered with in laws and other family over. Sure its not the most comfortable for some people but they can get over it or I would not visit or they would not be welcome! MY baby comes first! If bottle feeding happens its not the end of the world I had to with my first do to lack of knowledge on BF'ing which is why I excelled at it the second time with tons of determination and advice from ladies online and lactation consultants. Combi feeding is not recommended until 6 weeks and I hate when its used as a "bonding" time for baby and dad because seriously there are millions of ways to bond with a baby. This coming from someone who has done both so its not me giving crap to people who FF. Daddy can just as easily sing, snuggle, bath, read, baby massage, dress the baby all can be special things or routines for bonding. I hope you give it a go its amazing and I wish you the best of luck. I would never deal with such a controlling husband and set of inlaws I am to stubborn and would do what I felt right. >.<

 

[kbwebb]

thanks everyone.
I think i'm just going to try and BF, if in laws make comments when i bf in the same room as them, ill just have to strug off the comments and show them that i cant be pushed into another room. Fingers crossed she will take a bottle or milk from a cup when i'm in my exams whether that will be breastmilk or formula, i won't know until the time obviously. All of your comments have made me want to bf even more I've come to terms with the fact that around here, no one breastfeeds and so it is not 'normal' for people to see and they might not know how to act around me whilest doing it, but it is best for baby afterall (not saying anyone who gives formula is bad), and if i can do it then i will

 

[bumski]

im having pretty much the same thing from dh and his family, he knows no one who has breast fed so its unusual to him and he feels he is going to miss out on bonding, mil has told me she expects me to express so she gets her turn to feed her. i just noticed we are from the same place lol, so it must be strange here, every time im asked i get funny looks of people but i dont care, i breast fed my first and i was 18, to be honest i wouldnt have it any other way. i dont make a deal about it to them but i intend to fully breastfeed until I feel the time is right to introduce a bottle. In my opinion its my body my baby and my choice, not anyone elses. Hey gl on the birth, will you be having baby at north staffs?

 

[kbwebb]

im having pretty much the same thing from dh and his family, he knows no one who has breast fed so its unusual to him and he feels he is going to miss out on bonding, mil has told me she expects me to express so she gets her turn to feed her. i just noticed we are from the same place lol, so it must be strange here, every time im asked i get funny looks of people but i dont care, i breast fed my first and i was 18, to be honest i wouldnt have it any other way. i dont make a deal about it to them but i intend to fully breastfeed until I feel the time is right to introduce a bottle. In my opinion its my body my baby and my choice, not anyone elses. Hey gl on the birth, will you be having baby at north staffs?

I never see anyone breastfeeding here, it really is rare. yeah north staffs on the midwife led unit, its weird to hear of people from the same place so hi! another thing is that even though i'm 17, I could pass for 15.. so I will get alot of dirty looks/comments etc when out with baby, which i imagine OH will say is because i'm breastfeeding..

 

[bumski]

lol, i know what you mean, i had just turned 18 when i had my first so all my mates thought it was really weird that i was breastfeeding, i had no intention of doing it at first but the mw persuaded me to try for a couple of weeks and im so glad i did!i ended up feeding her for 7 1/2 months!
i found it a breeze and i just loved that connection with dd. I also looked really young and got some weird looks off people but it just made me even prouder
Your OH will come round to it quick enough once he realises he doesnt have to do night feeds etc
Hope your birth goes as smoothly as poss for you, i have been up to the hosp for the epu and scans etc but not seen what the mw unit is like yet so looking forward to that (completely new building since i was last there) x

 

[readynwilling]

lots of people combi feed!! Try to do mostly bf'ing for the first few days (even the first couple of weeks) then you can pump to give a bottle, or you can use formula. Then your DH and MIL can give a bottle when you have an appointment or an exam. Also babies don't eat 24/7 LOL so with your hair appt, just feed before you go and when you get home! My daughter only fed every 3 or so hours for the first month or two. I warn you that if you are bf'ing and introduce formula it can be a slippery slope into full time formula - but you wont know what works for you and your family unless you TRY.