3 months post partum - desperately miss pregnancy , birth envy . Am I normal ?

[Ghost]

I think from the week I had my baby I've missed being pregnant. I put it just down to hormones but three months on and I still get pangs of jealousy when I see a pregnant woman. It's so bad that when a character on tv recently had a baby I started crying on the way home where I missed my pregnancy . I miss knowing there's a life inside me , growing , the kicking and bonding with my bump . I feel like I'm just a saggy mess now. I've always had depression but when I was pregnant I felt whole like this was what I was made for .

I had always convinced myself I was unable to get pregnant so much that when I found out I was pregnant I thought it must of been an error , even at hospital I thought I must just have pains not be about to give birth and was always wairing for something to ho wrong. I feel like I missed out by being convinced something bad was going to happen .

I also feel down that my birth didn't go to plan . I had every intention of beginning the birth at home , with massages and my excercise ball. But when I was five days overdue my blood pressure shot up and they decided to induce . It took three inductions before I went into labour properly ( having just had contractions that lasted a few hrs that stopped when it wore off ) I managed til I was 4cms before I was ok to go into the labour sweet and try gas and air which did nothing , so when the midwife said he was back to back and that I should try an epidural if I was in that much pain , I accepted it at half four in morning . Zack arrived at 8pm by forceps which I barely remember as my eyes kept closing where I was exhausted . I remember them putting him on me and me asking my mum to hold him as the episiotomy they did had tore to a 3rd degree tear, and I could feel every stich and was terrified I'd drop him with all the jumping I was making . They took me into surgery to stitch me and I didn't truly hold my boy until ten .
I feel like I failed when I hear stories of my friends who went through labour in three hours , with no forceps and just have gas and air .

What can I do ?, I'm so happy to have my baby but I feel like my heart breaks when I see my pregnant photos because I want it so bad again.

 

[MrsClark24]

Sweetie I am so sorry for you. I don't really know what to say or suggest but I didn't want to read and run.

You can't control the way you give birth, it happens without your consent so don't feel bad about it. And being pregnant is such a wonderful special time, but mostly
I find that it's only afterwards that you realise it. Because while you're pregnant you're too busy worrying about baby. While you're wishing to be pregnant remember all the worries you had, all the times you were concerned and unable to do things, all the questions uou had. Now your baby is with you and all that nurturing has lead to him being in your arms, regardless of how he came into the world.
Good luck sweetie! I hope you feel better soon!

 

[lilesMom]

hugs xxx i had failing induction too, it took 2 days to hve him and all my hypno birthing plans fell away after a day and a half only got me to 2 cms
i too feel like i would love to be preg again but its far too soon for num 2 for me xx
i do know how u feel my ds is 3 months too so lots of similarities xx

 

[Butterfly89]

Omg, me too. It has gotten a lot better now. I'm 6.5 months PP and I still feel those things the odd time, but I keep reminding myself that the important thing is that I'm (mostly) healthy, baby is healthy, and we experienced that beautiful time together and now it's time for new things. I really miss being treated more politely by strangers, the feeling of never being alone, the drive to take really good care of myself, the cute belly, lol. But I sometimes remind myself of all the horrible parts too; nausea, leg cramps, aches all over, weight gain, bloating, gas, etc etc etc.

My birth went against my plans due to pushy doctors and the baby getting stuck and a bunch of other problems. I wanted a home water birth, or at least upright position, with gentle music, etc etc... Instead I had 36 hour labour, mostly in the hospital being monitored, forced to have an epidural (which failed and leaked out during my 3 hour pushing stage) lol, and was only allowed to half sit up. Surprisingly no serious damage other than painful 2nd degree tears that healed... And then breastfeeding didn't work out. So I had some feelings of failure and wanting a "do over"... I'm learning to accept that things are fine, so I try not to think about the "what ifs". Life with a baby is always unexpected and that's just part of the ride.

I wish I had better advice but I think time does help! The more you focus on being here now with your little one, the better it is, I think anyway.

And he is ADORABLE!!

 

[9jawife]

I almost could've written your post. I LOVED pregnancy. Other than some nausea here and there, I had zero complications and felt awesome. I was planning an unmedicated waterbirth and was so excited. Even went through the Hypnobabies program where it was drilled into my head that "birth is natural, your body knows what to do." So when my water broke on July 23rd and I never went into labor, I wondered what was wrong with me. I tried all the tricks to bring about labor naturally. Nothing worked, and at more than 24 hrs (my Midwife thought it was 12-I'm lucky I didn't get an infection but that's how bad I wanted a natural birth.) I was upset about needing to have Pitocin, but that was only the beginning. After 24+ hours of agony, I was still stuck at 3 cm. My little boy wasn't distressed, but clearly there was no point in continuing. As they prepped me for the c-section and during it I can't describe how terrified, devastated, and hopeless I felt. He had a nuchal cord (around the neck) two times, which was explained to me as most likely being why he didn't descend. But I know nuchal cords are common, even multiples, so I don't know that I buy this explanation. It kills me that I will never know why this happened to me. I felt even more guilty when people would say "you know, you should be grateful you have a healthy son." So patronizing. Of course I'm grateful. That doesn't negate the loss of what could have been a beautiful, intimate experience that turned out terrifying and as medicalized as can be. I've stopped talking about it with people other than my hubby because they just don't understand. I am scheduled for counseling, though, which was highly recommended by my Midwife. Is that something you would consider? And yes, I also get the feeling of envy for women who are pregnant. It makes sense because pregnancy was such a joyful time for us. I was naive and truly believed that because I was low-risk, educated about my birth choices and working with Nurse-Midwives who support natural birth, it was in the bag for me. I wish I had listened to the people who warned me not to get my hopes up too high. Anyways, if you ever want to chat with someone who understands, my inbox is always open. I know in time we'll both get thru this.