3 weeks post D&C blues

[Kathleen1198]

Hello. New to this site. I am 35, just had my first pregnancy and miscarriage. The pregnancy was a surprise and dad wasn't in the picture. I was fine with that. I was thrilled beyond belief at the thought of being a mother. Sadly, at my 10 week ultrasound the baby was found to have no heart beat and a D&C followed a week later. It has been three weeks since. I am struggling so badly. Another pregnancy is unlikely at best. The doctor is pushing me to not even try again. I feel like I not only lost the baby, but a future....like the rest of my life changed and then changed again and I can't seem to make peace with it.

I know it will take a while, but damn. The pain is unbearable at times. I've cried every day since. Add in a move and job loss and most days I'm amazed I make it through. I just want that baby back SO badly. What I wouldn't give...

Now I just find myself to be so grumpy and irritable and my moods change at the drop of a hat. New babies and pregnant women make me cry and get angry. Even the sound of a baby on TV will take me back to a sad place.

My friends and family, while supportive, I think are tired of hearing about it. I think they all think I should be over it by now. But it doesn't hurt any less than it did that first day.

I can't seem to get past the memory of walking into that ultrasound with so much hope, so much joy...Then 15 minutes later the dreams and hopes and future were gone. Poof just like that, it all changed. I miss my baby and am so sad I will never meet him or her. It's so hard to say goodbye to someone you never got to meet.

Can someone out there please say something to give me some hope?

 

[InTheVerse]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The doctor has no place in your decision whether you try to conceive again in the future, if you want to and feel able and have someone in mind or a method in mind then it's your choice not his.

You will grieve, three weeks is still very very early in terms of losing, added to that hormones and your body trying to adapt back to not being pregnant...you need to not be so hard on yourself and to ignore what people expect of you. Some days you will really struggle, others will be easier, so long as you have okay times along with the not-okay then that's healing.

It won't get 'better' as such but time really is the only healer. You will never forget, but it won't hurt so much to remember and think and speak. There's many ways to try and help, like creating a memorial, having a goodbye ceremony- for myself I found blogging really helps, just getting my thoughts down even if they make little sense to me. Through that I've spoken to others who've had losses and knowing you are not alone and that your feelings are normal is so supporting.

You've had a major shock and heartache losing your baby, adding a job loss and move, massive trauma. Some people don't and can't understand. Grief has no time limit and for them to make you feel that way is very unfair and insensitive. Are they all like that or are some supportive? I found some friends said the really wrong things (there's a post at the top of the miscarriage loss page that might resonate with you, they did with me) while others were great. I distanced myself from the ones who didn't help me.

I found the same with babies, I feel a bit better with some now but I'd recommend going at your own pace and when you feel ready then spend time with loved ones who are supportive and their babies. It's been 2 months now for me and I struggle with pregnant women who are the same as I should be but I've seen a few babies and it's better then it was. I had a cry after seeing them but having cuddles did help. It takes time though, I could not have done that before now.

All I can say is do what's best for you, what helps. Treat yourself, look after yourself, surround yourself with people who help not hurt and don't let anyone tell you you should be over that. If they make you feel that way, then they need to educated.

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp/wp-content/leaflets/Someone-You-Know.pdf

Print this for your family, or email it to them. They need to understand what they can do to help and what doesn't help.

I know and understand the shock and numbness of going in for a scan and finding out your baby has died, I lost mine at ten weeks and it feels like the world has changed and your the last to know, while no one else does. It does get easier, not better or 'getting over it' but you have good days and bad. You will get triggered by things, sometimes things that seem innocuous, but it will get easier.